[lilboo2326]

Ok im new here and Im so lost right now. We were approved to adopt in April of this year. Our intention was to adopt a newborn - 3 months either straight adoption or foster adopt. We have 1 bio daughter who will be 3 this month. We 2 weeks ago we got our first placement, but it was an 11 month old baby boy. Basically his mom does not want to be his mom, thats it and wants to put him up for adoption, but it is foster right now. He is a sweet baby and everything but the bonding is just not happening and he and my bio daughter are both jealous of each other and both want ME only all the time. I feel like my world has been flipped upside down. I care for the boy but do not feel like he is mine or if I could even adopt him. My husband was the one having issues in the beginning and now I am more than him. I mean everytime her cries which is ALL the time, I just dont even fell the instinct to go pick him up, I mean I do pick him up and try to make him fell better but I just dont feel like its working.
I think my daughter is having a hard time because all of a sudden there is somone talking ALL her stuff, toys, mom and dad everything. She says she loves hime but when I am holding him and has to sit with me. Im only 4'10 and she is 36lbs and he is 20lbs. Its hard for me. He hits her when I am holding them both and if Im just holding her he screams and tries to pull her off my lap. He is strong for 11 months like super strong.
I just dont know what to do. I talked to my case worker and she said that sometimes things like this happen and that she does know of one home is our town that would be a good match for him if we change our mind.
I just feel like if we had a new born it would be easier for me to bond and not so hard on our daughter. But then everyone makes me feel guiltly like oh you just want a newborn blah blah blah. I didnt until I saw how things were with lil man. I need advice help somthing.

[jllambert]

Sometimes you fall in love right away and sometimes it takes awhile. So don't feel bad. As a mom of several kids I can tell you it would not mater if the baby was 1 day or 11 months your daughter will have issues! She has had all the attention, and no little kid wants to share their mommy & daddy at first! She will come to love him and understand how to share you. It just takes time!
Maybe you are worried that if you take him you are settling, and that if you wait you might just get a newborn or one you bond to faster or love more, but really you might get the same exact thing. It is so hard to adjust to a fussy child if you have had one that is super easy. He may just need a little time and a little extra loving for a few weeks. He has been through a huge transition, and who knows what he went through in the last 11 months. Don't beat yourself up, but please don't give up on the little guy yet!! Not without giving yourself a chance to really fall in love with him!!

[posh]

even bio kids do this. it is jealousy. they do get over it. perhaps let your daughter help you out with him. bring you diapers, get the wipes, maybe let her give him a bottle while you are feeding him. that seems to work well with little ones going thru this. good luck with whatever you decide.

[shy_bear]

I personally could not foster when our kids were young. We had tried the f/a route when our oldest was 5 and our youngest daughter was 2. It did not work for us. It was too much. These kiddos have issues; whether they are newborn or older. There is a reason they are in care. For me I wanted to be the best mom I could be to ALL of the children in my care, and the time was not right when my girls were young. They are now 9 and 6; we were placed with our son in June. He was placed directly from the hospital. I love him more then I can ever express, but he is not an easy baby. He has PT and OT weekly, we have a home nurse that comes in once a mth. Plus all the cw's and lawyers that pop in once a mth. He is a full time job!! I would take a step back and talk with your husband and decide what is right for all of you. It does take time to bond and love a child that has not been with you since birth; if you feel this child is not meant to be yours forever there is a family out there that can provide that for him. Good luck to you

[Boulderbabe]

I agree, sibling rivalry is REALLY common. And you've only had the little guy two weeks, which isn't very long for your daughter to adapt to what is a major life change for her. Give it some time.

As for "bonding": I really hate this word, because so many people think it means love at first sight. It really is about the development of a relationship over time, as the child has his needs met and the parent learns to perceive the child's cues and meet them. So no surprise you aren't "bonded" yet---you just met the little guy!

The short answer is, you aren't going to "bond" with a newborn any faster, and your daughter won't be less jealous. If you are sure you want to adopt, why not give this relationship some more time? Two weeks is not a very long time, and it's no time at all in terms of making a decision that may affect your whole life. Let things settle out, regain some peace in your home, and see how things feel then. (If you give up this child, you may want to think about whether this is the right time for you to adopt---maybe it might be better for all of you to wait until your daughter is older. Things really aren't likely to be much different with another child.)

[sdiedre]

I have three foster boys right now - one has been here for 7 months and DEFINITELY feels that I am HIS Mama and when the next two came along (all are 2 and under) it really hit the fan. At dinner I got to listen to the two 2yos yell "MY Mama!" at each other until I finally got them distracted.

But that is NOTHING compared to the 15 month old who will push, scream and cry his way to me anytime the others come for a quick snuggle. It is insecurity. We represent security for these little ones who have had so little and they are grabbing on for dear life - which seems to me a lot more healthy than if they showed no interest.

Kids are selfish and getting int the 2's means they are also NOT inclined to share, whether it be toys, time or attention.

I would vote to see if you can spend some time with each of them one-on-one. Can your husband take turns taking one of the kiddos out for a short time? It could be that your feeling a lack of connection with your new little one is simply due to a lack of ability to get to know him.

I am single, so one-on-one time is tough around here. M goes to see his Mommy on the weekends, and I have begun to really look forward to those times as I have a chance to get to know the new boys a bit better and have some bonding time with them.

Good luck!

[CaddoRose]

Your 3 yr old is old enough to understand what's going on. f you haven't explain the situation to her in a way she can understand what you are doing with fostering.

As others have said, the jealously is normal but you need to do things to help change that behavior. Make sure you set aside time just for her. Make her part of helping you with the baby.

Try to find ways to give her time with only you and/or Dad and then let her know that there are times when the baby needs his time with you. Let her know you don't love her any less, it's just a matter of the baby needing your time too.

Perhaps you could work out a special thing for daughter to do while you hold baby; like maybe this is the time she gets to play with her puzzles or watch a show on TV, and that's the only time she can do that thing. That makes it a special reward for being good.

[tlmerrie]

It took me several months to bond to our great niece even though I wanted her desperately and fought very hard for her. But with some effort it did happen.

Amy

[lilboo2326]

Thanks for all the advice. I dont want to give up on this lil guy just yet. I am trying so hard, but I just feel like I cant force myself to love him in that way. I guess a lot of it is stress to since my husband had lost his job and everything happened right before the holidays and stuff. I was also feeling like this is my only choice and that I was stuck. My agency told me that they see this all the time and if it doenst work then it doesnt work. They also had another family in mind that would be able to take him and they do not have any other children, which I though might be best for him. However last night wasnt too bad and so far today has been good. Im just going to take it one day at a time and see. I want what is best for everyone. Oh and i do try to trade off with hubby, but both just want ME. We had to move his crib in our room and he wakes up every night and if I dont hold him for the rest of the night he flips out. So I have no clue what to do with that either.

[hkolln]

It can take many months to bond to a child. Our niece has been with us for 6 months now and I'm just now feeling bonded with her and understand her and what she needs much more. You have to give it time. It is definitely not an instant thing...at least to me it wasn't.

And another thing you may wish to consider. If you want to have a baby and your daughter is having a tough time maybe you should wait til she's older? She probably isn't at that age to understand all this. She just sees it as someone coming into the home and stealing her mommy away from her.

We had major sibling rivalry with our 13 yr old daughter upon bringing our niece into the house. She would clearly state she wanted her to go back to Idaho and never come back, etc...We had to be firm telling her she isn't going back and she's staying with us. It took her a good 5 or so months to get it...and they are very close now. They hardly fight and when they do it's not major stuff and our daughter doesn't want to 'send her back' anymore. It's a MAJOR life change for everyone involved. I thought it would never get better but it has! I can't believe it! LOL

Give it alittle bit of time and let your daughter have "mommy and me" time alone with you and her only. We do that with our girls. They get to go to the movies with Dad or Me and we switch and spend one on one time with each equally. Not sure if that would work with little ones but that's what we did. See if your husband can help out and take the baby for awhile and vice versa. Do special things one on one.

[marykath]

You sound like me two years ago!
We had just gotten the placement of our 17-month old daughter, my oldest (adopted at birth) was recently 3...and all anyone did cry for mom and scream their heads off night and day. It was an awful first few months. I told my husband every day that I was ready to give up.
I didn't, and now she's a bright, delightful - and very busy - 3-year-old. Here's my two cents:
1. The good news is it sounds like he is bonding to you. I know, it's not easy...but the preference for you as opposed to your husband means he is seeking comfort in you. If you read the RAD posts here, you'll realize it is a good thing that he is seeking someone. It's healthy.
2. I didn't feel connected to our daughter, either, for a very long time. It's hard to feel love for someone who NEVER stops crying. Don't beat yourself up about it - after being on these forums for more than a year I think it's pretty normal.
3. About the sleep issues (we had them, too...waking and calling for me 5-6 times a night). You have to respond to the calls, but you want to facilitate good sleep habits - it's tough! We got one of those cribs with a collapasable side that hooked on to our bed. She would cry, we would roll her into our bed, sooth her to sleep, then roll her back. She's been sleeping in a big-girl bed, all night, for the past year now.
4. Being a big sister isn't all it's cracked up to be. I stopped the naps for my oldest, and dedicated those couple hours just to her. We also did this thing she called "Two Babies." She would put her old baby clothes on and I would carry both of them around the house. Pretty strange, and back-breaking, but it made her laugh and seemed to help her need for attention.
5. If I could change one thing about my first few months, I would change my expectations. I expected everything to be like it was with my first. I wanted to forget about the abuse and neglect and start from scratch. It doesn't work.
If I could go back in time, I would have ordered more take-out and held both kids more; I would have gone less places and stayed home more; I would have kept the relatives away; I would have given her more slack and not expected her to behave like a "normal" kid, etc.
6. If you decide to stay the course, realize that everything is going to be very hard for a very long time. I am discovering it is a slow road.
If it doesn't work, then it's OK. But if it does, it's very fun and rewarding.
Hope this wasn't too long - feel free to pm me.

[sweetsal]

I agree with the other posters. This is very stressfull on you and the rest of your family, but give it a little more time.

Remember that there is another family out there that has NO children, and that if you do decide this isn't working, you could give them the greatest gift of their lives. I know. I am one of them. I have no kids, little hope, and I would gladly take your place.

Perhaps you need a more laid back child. Different personalities fit with different people. The foster son I lost was awful. He screamed constantly and destroyed his crib and ripped the blinds off the windows, but I adored him to no end. So this may just not be a good fit. I assumed all little boys were like this, but then my friend has the most laid back little boy ever, and I can't stand him.

So to each his own.

[diane beth]

I have 2 bio dds that are now married. When my oldest was 2 1/2 my youngest was born. I was pretty young and dh worked alot so I had to deal with it. 2yr old was so jeolous I could not leave the room. She bit baby in the nose and it was bleeding. From that time on I took 2yr old in the bathroom with me even for that short time. One day she was eating her lunch by the table and she said, "Mommy when can we take her back to the hossipal?" We still taese her about this to this day!
Spend lots of time with the older one if you can. Maybe buy her some new things to keep her busy when you feed baby. Ask her to help with feeding and such. It should get better with time.
I agree with the bonding issue here. It can take time. When you see him happy and doing cute things you will probably fall in love with him. Sometimes though it just may not be a good fit.
We had a preemie 4 weeks early. She was without her mom for 3 weeks in the hospital so the nurses were her mother. She would not make eye contact with me until she was almost three months. Dh and I were her only caretakers from 3 weeks on. It still took a long time for her to bond with me. I just kept loving her and I only put her down if she was sleeping (preemies sleep alot) or I when I had to . I took her everywhere with me. It was summer so I didn't have to worry about cold.
I have made up my mind to love these babies even if they don't love me back. It really isn't their fault. M was left alone for 3 weeks. Your little one has gone through his short little life with a mother that didn't really want him so this may take some time. I hope it works out for you, but if not there may be another family that he is meant for. ~di

[WannaBtheMommy]

I have an odd suggestion...
I have found that I can do anything for 15 minutes. When dd is wanting mommy and ds is wanting mommy, too... and both crying and you're wanting earplugs and happy children... give yourself 15 minutes (set a timer if you have to) with your daughter, have dh take your son outside or for a ride or??? When her 15 minutes are going on, hug, hold, rock, sing... whatever... then when that 15 minutes is up, take 15 with your son (foster or bio, they are both yours right now), same thing... rock, sing, play.
THEN, take 15 minuets with just you. Shower, read, lay in bed, go for a walk... whatever you need to do for 15 minuets to keep your sanity.
When that 45 minute stretch is over, both children will have had mommy alone, and you will have had time for some tylenol and a cup of coffee... and you can play together or read or have a little Big-Bird assisted quiet time.
It sounds like you just need to give it a little time. All children occasionally get jealous, and all of them want one on one time... Yours just need to learn to work together and you all need time to become a family. You'd probably be going through this with a newborn, too. Have dd help give ds a bottle, or help get his diaper stuff for a change, or help put toys in the tub for bath.
The other thing you need to keep in mind is that if you give him up now, today, your dd will probably be confused and probably miss ds. You do not want her erroneously thinking that you give away your children when it gets difficult... Bear with it for a few months, give yourself a date to sit down with dh and discuss weather it is working or not. If it doesn't work, make it CLEAR to dd that there was another family who needed to raise ds, and that it was not because he was "bad" or because you all just couldn't live with him... Put it to her like this other family just couldn't live without him...
Good luck with this challenge!
Oh, and I'm one of 7... bio and fost-adopt mix and while we didn't all get along all the time (and sometimes still don't...LOL) I wouldn't trade any of it for anything, and love them all... and we ALL love my mom and want her to ourselves sometimes... and we are all in the 27-45 years old group... LOL BTW it DOES get easier to share, and it does get easier to sleep.

[Mystik]

I'm glad to hear things are going a little better. I just wanted to agree with previous posters in that bonding is not something that always happens right away. I personally think the bonding process can be a bit more difficult when it's not a child you've had the privilege of carrying inside you for 9 months (I know not all parents of natural children bond right away either, but I do think this plays a role in making it a bit more challenging.) As well as being placed with a child that you have missed out on the bonding experience with from the time they were a newborn. This adds to the challenge as well. However it's true that even being placed with a newborn doesn't equal an instant bond either. Bonding happens through the process of watching your little one grow, seeing their personalities blossom, meeting their needs and understanding them better.

Our first FD was placed with us at 3 weeks and it was our very first child ever and although we were ecstatic to finally have a baby in our home it took time to get to know her and she was a very fussy high maintenance baby which was incredibly frustrating to us as first time parents but it also helped teach us how to understand her and meet her needs in the way she needed better and now that we understand each other better the fussiness has gotten less and less.

Our second FD was placed with us at 3 days old and this is where the real bonding issues for me came in. I have no idea why, her case was the easiest we could of ever asked for and we just knew from square one she was going to be our forever child. She is now 4 months and I finally feel myself beginning to feel truly bonded as I watch her turning into a real lil person, learning to do things like roll over, and the way she giggles when I talk to her now or tickle her under her chin, but I found it really hard to feel connected to her when she was just this lil blob of baby that didn't do anything other eat, sleep, poop, and cry, while our other FD was so much more interesting with learning to sit up and express herself in new ways. That's what got me to realize the bonding stuff isn't instant, but it does happen and it's a process of growing over time with each other just like any other relationship.