[eomaia]

It seems like nothing happens for a long time and then things happen too fast to deal with!

Last week, my husband had a major change in attitude, like something clicked into place. He's getting counseling, and admits that he needs counseling. Time will tell, but meanwhile I'm staying with friends until the SW says it's okay for me to move back home.

We got an updated case permanency plan, and our counselor went over it with me, told me that reading it he suspected that DHS would eventually change our goal to TPR and he pointed out that the main concern now is that "domestic violence may be continuing". In other words, they think he's abusing me and I'm lying to cover for him. Last year when he actually did physically assault me and I called the cops on him, a worker from an agency (a DHS sub-contractor) had just happened to be stopping by, and she convinced the cops that I was hysterical/off my meds/making the whole thing up. So, I felt very frustrated that it seems like nothing I say is listened to and believed and started trying to figure out how I could prove that he wasn't abusing me.

Months ago, we'd started making plans to do holiday stuff with the kids and the foster parents, and the SW had seemed fine with it. Then on Wednesday, the SW emailed me that DHS policy changed to NO foster parent supervised visits ever under any circumstances. (Like most policy changes, it is due to people who had completely abused the system- rumor has it that f-parents were handing kids back to the b-parents, telling DHS they still had the kids and collecting the checks.) Since the facilitator is only available for one visit per week and has holidays off, this policy effectively cancels Christmas.

Then tonight, the f-mom called my husband and told him that the GAL had petitioned the court for the kids to be returned to us within 10 days. I'm going to talk to her tomorrow and find out more details.

So, my head is spinning and I have no idea what is going to happen or how long it will take, or if the light at the end of the tunnel might turn out to be an oncoming train. Meanwhile, I'm knitting mittens for Xmas- alligators for Beast Boy, ducks for Eeyore, both are double knit for warmth and will have googly eyes. Knitting is a good way to keep busy to keep from going completely nuts.

[AngelArrow]

I read your post I like to wish you happy holidays. I admire you for posting on a forum that has more opposing few points on how birth parents should live or not live his/her life. As well on how foster parents should and should not foster. They is rummor about birth parents they is rummor on foster parents, and case managers in a system that has so many people involved what is to expected. The good ones take the blunt for does who are good overall. The judge will look at the overall sitution in your case. Be as positive as you can be take one day at the time and see what happens. Do I need to give you advice? Do people need to give you advice overall? In generall, you know what is best for you overall. If a person would ever harm me I would not tolerated such behavior, but you are not me and I am not you. We all humans we all make mistakes, but where do we draw the line? peace out or love out LOL

[Chancey]

Eomaia - I'm hoping that it works out in your favor.

I do recall all of us about a month or so ago being very concerned for your because your husband had hacked into personal email and stuff. I surfed this board every day after that looking for you - worried about you. It took you a while to post again. I'm thankful you are ok.

Your husband is someone with serious control issues. I would just recommend that you keep a healthy reality check and know that he can not just change overnight -- even though he may be telling you (and himself) that.

Remember the cycle of abuse:
1) The build up - tension
2) The explosion
3) Remorse
4) Hearts and flowers - swearing I'll never do it again and the relationship is great for a time.

Abusers and victims in an abusive relationship get addicted to this cycle. Especially because the hearts and flowers are great when it happens.

My thoughts on why the counselor is telling you that it may go to TPR is not only because of his anger, control and violence issues, but your inability to break away from him and break the cycle of violence by doing so.

Wishing you the best!

[kxl164]

Eomia I would start looking for your own place to live instead of waiting for permission to move back home. If the SW'ers are worried about DV and returning the kids to that situation and possible TPR because of it, then you just waiting to return to it doesn't look good for you either.

Failure to ameliorate circumstances leading to the need for foster care is a reason to TPR, you going back to a realtionship know for DV could be enough reason to TPR.

You took the first step, you got out, now get on your feet yourself and get your kids back!!

Good Luck to you and I hope you get a Christmas visit, maybe your lawyer can petition the judge to help make it happen, or even the GAL since he is very supportive of reunification for the children!

[Tunay4754]

I would also be concerned that if you quickly move home that his tune may change again. It might be a control move to see if he can regain control over you. Only you know the real situation but you could be helped by a counselor to keep you thinking straight on issues with your husband.

Merry Christmas and I'm so sorry you won't get to spend time with the kids for Christmas. Our fs has a supervised visit on the 28th and his family will celebrate then.

Heather

[eomaia]

I am considering moving to a new place if DHS says I need to leave him to keep the kids. Obviously, they know way more about family violence than I do, and if they think there is no hope that my husband will ever be able to be a good non-abusive husband and father because of his history (abused child, ODD, group homes etc), then they should just TELL me. If there is anything they can do to help him get over it, then they should have told him that a long time ago. I suspect that the reason they didn't push for him to get counseling is that they had given up on him and just hoped I'd dump him but wouldn't come right out and tell both of us that we need to get a divorce for the sake of our kids.

For that matter, they should have been supportive back when he actually did get physically abusive, instead of telling me that I was lying and needed to take my meds.
If they had been helpful back then, I would not have let him come back. Instead, they pushed me to let him come home, and when I tried to set reasonable expectations of him, they told me I needed to focus on taking responsibility for my actions and stop blaming him.

I'm just getting really sick of the manipulation and having everything I say warped and used against me, and having to deal with their view of me so much that I start doubting myself. If the system is this difficult and confusing for me to deal with, I can't imagine how impossible it would be for someone who wasn't as smart, educated, and determined as me, or who didn't come from the kind of family I came from.

[Boulderbabe]

Eomaia,

I am so glad things are looking up! Your commitment to your kids is astounding.

Can I make a suggestion? What if you worked on getting the kids back first, and then worked on the marriage second? Move out, get some stability, and get the kids back. Meanwhile, your DH can be in counseling, and DSS can supervise his visits with the kids. As soon as DSS is out of the picture, you two can re-evaluate whether or not his therapy has made a big enough difference to make it possible to live together.

What I'm worried about is that you're running out of time. Even if DH is in therapy, it's going to take months and maybe years to address his issues. If you wait for that, you'll be TPR'd. So focus on getting the kids back and escaping TPR first, and then work on DH.

[lakin11]

Originally Posted by eomaia

I am considering moving to a new place if DHS says I need to leave him to keep the kids. Obviously, they know way more about family violence than I do, and if they think there is no hope that my husband will ever be able to be a good non-abusive husband and father because of his history (abused child, ODD, group homes etc), then they should just TELL me. If there is anything they can do to help him get over it, then they should have told him that a long time ago. I suspect that the reason they didn't push for him to get counseling is that they had given up on him and just hoped I'd dump him but wouldn't come right out and tell both of us that we need to get a divorce for the sake of our kids.

I hate to come off as rude, but they can't tell you that! They expect YOU to see whats going on and realize its not a safe environment to be in for you or the kids. Their job is NOT to make the decisions, its to give you a plan to work on to make safe choices for your children's sake. They can't push him to go to counseling. If I recall, he was refusing to go. He has the right to choose, but not going will definitely lead to problems in getting the kids back. Although its been said on here many times that you need to leave him and work on getting your kids back, you keep getting sucked in by him.
This is what we as foster parents see all the time. The bio mom choosing to stay with the man, and not getting their children back. You are more than likely going to have to choose. He doesn't sound like he's willing to go above and beyond what they've asked of him.
I'm sure you love your husband, despite all the 'bad'. However, you need to decide soon him or the kids. The courts are not going to wait forever for you to decide.

[hesabanana]

I have to agree with Lakin. You seem to want DHS to take control of this situation and tell you what to do, when in fact YOU need to take control of this situation. You refer to yourself as smart and educated, and yet you have relinquished all control to your husband and DHS.
I admire your courage for bringing your story to this board, and am pleased you have gotten so much support here, but you need to see the writing on the wall. You said you want someone to tell you if your husband is capable of changing despite his history. I will tell you: He may be with years of commitment and therapy, but not in time for you to keep your kids. You need to make a choice, and fast, if it is going to be the kids you choose. You need to demonstrate your commitment to them to DHS in order to get them back by getting your own place and ending the relationship with DH. Period.
I don't mean to be overly harsh, but I know my DS's bmom would have appreciated it if someone would have been this direct with her.
Best wishes to you and your children,
Brenda

[AngelArrow]

A social workers job is not to hold people by the hand and tell them what to do. It is their job to show people how to become self sufficant. What do you want your case manager to do? Do you want CPS to return your children to the same life style he/she was taking out of in the first place and when something happens again back and forth in an out of the system which is not the greatest for the kids. What do want CPS to do for you? What do you want people to do for you? Is it hard to follow your case plan? I just like to know out of curiosity. What is it that you can not to for yourself? Social workers, foster parents can only to so much how it is received on the other hand is a different story. You said they sould have been more supportive, but how much more support to you want from everybody when you to the opposite. I am not trying to be insensetive, but what is it? You seem like you know what you want but you dont know how to do it. What state are you in if I may ask just curiosity again. We where asked in class the other day how can we break cycles? Well the person has to admit and has to be willing to break the cycle inorder for the cycle to be broken but it is easier said then done sometimes you just hit a brick wall.

[Chancey]

Eomaia - remember.... I told you the last post - a month or more ago about this exact same type of issue with one of my kiddos parents?

The CW specifically told me that she can NOT tell the dad to leave mom, but she hopes he does because he would get the kid back if he did that!!!!

Same goes for you - CPS can NOT tell you that. They want to see that you do it on your own.

[reddeer]

I can see eomaia's point (I think). If there is a requirement for her to get her kids back, the SW should tell her what it is. In fact, it should be specifically stated in the case plan. Otherwise, if the plan is too vague, whatever she does could be interpreted subjectively and not objectively. Does she move into her own place? Well DSS could say that she "has moved three times since the kids were taken" (once out of the unsafe house, once in with her friend to get away from DH, and once into her own place.) Its got to be hard to know where she stands when they won't tell her. Expecting her to be a mind reader and figure out what they think is safe is wrong in my opinion. If her definition of safe matched theirs, then she wouldnt be in this situation. Her definition of safe isn't going to magically morph into theirs if they don't tell her what theirs is. If they had told her, she would have done it and the kids would be safe at home with their mother. Instead they are playing mind games.

[stevenstwin]

BUT I think they would be in a whole whack of legal trouble if they said "Dump your husband or lose your kids". I think that would sound coercive and threatening, wouldn't it? I may be wrong, but I'm assuming they have to tread a fine line between pointing her in the right direction and telling her what choices she HAS to make. But E, my friend, I really DO think that if this drags on any longer you need to ditch they guy NOW, no matter what. I know that nothing in the world is as important to you as V. and L.!!

[jackiesbooks]

I have had a birth mother that was told that the children could nogt be returned to her as long as she lived with an abusive boyfriend. The judge stated in court and it was part of her case. He stated he would not return them to any home where the abusive boyfriend lived.

[hkolln]

Originally Posted by jackiesbooks

I have had a birth mother that was told that the children could nogt be returned to her as long as she lived with an abusive boyfriend. The judge stated in court and it was part of her case. He stated he would not return them to any home where the abusive boyfriend lived.

Similar thing happened to my SIL when our niece was taken the 1st time from her care. The ending may not be the same but she too was ordered to leave her abusive husband at the time. Part of her case plan was to leave the man that was physically abusing her to make a safe home for her daughter (our niece). She did just that, got it all together with a job and a place to live, and then got her daughter back at age 2. Then she just went right back to the same abusive man after everything was closed. That led her to losing her daughter again at age 6. Just be careful..remember to protect the kids. Focus on yourself and get yourself together. That will give him time to get himself together and hopefully he's truthful and honest about all that he is doing.