[chickieboom]

Okay, I have a dilemma regarding how hard to push for reuniting sibling under one roof (mine). I have 18 month old girl and her 6 yo sis is in therapeutic foster care (TFC) across town (big town).

Background, 1.) Stated desire to have sibling in home in July. Told to wait for TPR trial scheduled end of July. 2.) TPR trial cancelled. Told sister couldn't be moved to my home because I wasn't TFC home. 3.) Found training in Sep and Oct which would qualify me for TFC license. 4.) Haven't applied for TFC license because that would put me out of compliance for child I have. 5.) Sept. TPR trial continued to Nov. 6.) I have arranged monthly visits, usually overnights, some single days about once and month. Other FM has made no attempts. 7.) GAL call and reads me riot act for wanting to send judge letter about fd's asthma; accusing me overstepping my role as foster parent and of pushing too hard to get sisters reunited. 8.) Nov. TPR cancelled.

So, since there is no date for the next TPR trial I asked again about transitioning big sis to live here over christmas holidays when I have two weeks off and will be home. Therapist says she is too hesitant because if TPR doesn't occur it would be too disruptive for big sis. However, there is currently no visitation with bioparents so why if that is the case are they worrying about if tpr doesn't happen. I think that the only sure thing in this whole picture is that the girls will eventually be together and we should facilitate that as soon as possible.

GAL told me earlier that it was bad idea to change placement before a tpr trial. that was in that conversation where she read me the riot act, so honestly I am a little afraid of her.

I know I shouldn't be afraid of her it is just that sometimes I feel as if I am crazy. Everyone I deal with is mired in the "system" and take this craziness like it makes sense. I have even been told by someone to "trust the system". I just don't.

It would obviously be the better long term placement to have bib sis moved here where she can developed normalized bonds with her sister. The two of them will be together for a lifetime. Why is the therapist worried about the short term bond with a non-adoptive foster parent that has shown little regard to the sibling bond. (there is another long story in which I will only say that in the past 6 months she has not made a single attempt to have visits. It is so frustrating.)

So, I guess I am going to try talking to the therapist. The GAL is not going to be supportive, the CW would like them together I think.

But, my main question, finally, will changing placement sway the outcome of the tpr trial, specifically perhaps indicating that big sis has the emotional capability of transitioning placements so really isn't damaged by the abuse so the abuse could't have been that bad?

Any insights will be appreciated.

[vernellinnj]

Is the sister in a good foster home? I have had my fc for well over a year and I have never facilitated sibling visits but I would challenge anyone who said I was not a good foster parent. In my case, the children see each other thru visits facilitated by the state.

IMO, it is not always in the best interest for siblings to be together. All things being perfect, perhaps but let's face it, if things were perfect would they be in foster care?

Good luck - praying that all goes as according to His plan.

[mama2-8]

If you don't speak up for this child who will? You are doing a great job, I was told to be careful many times, too bonded!!! Yes I was too bonded too an abused child. I understand you being scared of the attorney, but remember thats their job so to speak. They have to be firm when they speak in court and so they get used to pushing their clout around. Don't let it scare you, just arm yourself with knowledge. Read some family codes about siblings and ask CPS about procedures concerning placing siblings, and get it in writing so that you have something to stand on. You just have to really fight for everything for these kids. CPS is never in a hurry so you are going to be have to be the squeeky wheel that gets the oil.

[chickieboom]

Originally Posted by mama2-8

I I was told to be careful many times, too bonded!!! Yes I was too bonded too an abused child.

YES! I don't get that allegation. I thought that was goal of being a good parent, foster or otherwise.

Vern, yesI have doubts about big sis's current foster placement. There was one really strange bruise. I reported to cw and therapist said it was ok because foster mom reported it to her and had a story for it, but I've never seen a kid get a big bruise/laceration on their buttocks from falling down. Latest episode was fm stood us up for a visit sunday after I planned all day sunday around it, missed my church service and drove 40 minutes to get there. She has now told cw she won't negotiate visits with me and as a result kids are to be transported to office visit every other week for sibling bonding. I had been doing monthly overnights with normalized activities. The fact that she stood me up and has somehow flipped it around as if she is the victim is so strange to me. Also, I don't want Lil"A to be in state transport so now I am going to have to take more time off work.

The main thing is that she is not an in an adoptive placement and the current fm has a big grown family and is committed to church activities (why she stood me up and I'm the only one to see the irony in that!) and big sis is just sorta there on the side. In my house she would be the center of attention; well, she would have to share with her sister who is now the center. I'm not trying to say I am perfect or others should be like me, I am just really committed to giving these kids all I can.

If they are tpr'd I'd be the likely adoptive placement. i say let's move toward permanacy. Even if they are RU'd the sister will benefit from the bond.

Mama, 2 eight. I think I will keep advocating. It is just so hard because I think I am trying to do the right thing, but have just gotten flack from a lot of people in the system that just want you to accept the system. I guess I have beginner's mind and the system just doesn't make sense to me all the time.

[Chancey]

We had a FS who was with us for 7 months, and was 11 months at the time of the TPR trial. Approximately a month prior to the trial they asked us about adoption, but we said no. They then asked us our opinion about moving him to a legal risk home. My opinion was that since the trial was so close and a trial is NEVER a guaranteed a outcome for termination, that I thought it was best to stay with us until after the trial. The CW and ad-litem agreed with me! THANK GOODNESS!! The jury returned him to mom. If that little guy had been moved a month prior to trial, then moved back to mom it would have been twice as traumatic for him.

I have come to realize recently that I can't force things all the time and that if I sit back and relax, they happen normally. Something to think about...

[lilraskels]

It could mess up TPR they have been known to talk about the many placements in court many times. Sees as though it can be ammo if they are desperate. Although you would think the bio parents would be acceptable of this. How is the sis with the little one? Do they want them seperate for a reason? Or are they seperate do to homes not being avaliable?
Sometimes we have to over step our bounds as fosterparents. If we don't we wont be heard. It is really what you feel is best for both children and your family. Good luck.

[ranoutofnames]

Your story sounds similar to my scenario with A1.

My A1 came into foster care at 9months of age. When she was 18months old her older sister that was 6yrs at the time finally came into foster care. I fought to have her older sister placed into my home. I was fairly new foster parent and still idealistic of wanting siblings to live together, eventhough they had never lived together before. (Sister was living with relatives for the 9months A1 lived with bmom. Once they lost A1 into foster care they had the 6yr old move home a couple months later. She wasn't part of the original petition.)

We really wanted to adopt A1. The bmom was more bonded to the 6yr old. Because they were both in my home the DA was reluctant to pursue TPR because the sister had just came in.

We were unprepared for the level of care the sister needed. I've worked with MR/MI children in the community but never had to live with one that was MR/MI and severely emotionally disturbed. I needed help if I was going to make the placement work.

The agency workers were jerks. They refused to help. They stated I wanted the 6yr old so bad and wouldn't listen to them I could just suffer.

In the end the 6yr old disrupted and after a couple more disruption she ended up in a therapeutic home where she's the only child. In that process I was so afraid A1 would be moved too in an attempt to keep the siblings together. It was decided by that point A1 was so strongly bonded to me that it would not be in her best interest... but I kid you not, they were all so stinky about the whole thing I did fear they would take her too out of spite.

My A1's TPR trial was delayed a whole year because of the placement. In the end the bmom agreed to sign over voluntarily to get more time to RU with the 6yr old. TPR happened on that case nearly 2 yrs later but part of the reason it delayed with the 6yr old was the argument that her several moves made it difficult for her emotionally to participate in RU efforts.

I share my story as a cautionary tale... sometimes it is better to stay calm, relax, and give time for things to happen.

[athikers]

I would vote to leave the biosib where she's at until AFTER termination. Moves are hard on kids. All the worse if they are already in need of therapeutic services.