[flyawaynet]

I could really use some advice. I know 3 yr olds are ... well.. quirky to say the least, but I'm a single gal that's never had kids before and don't remember my niece or nephew having these issues at 3.

Little One has been with me over 3 months now, she's been doing great until last week when it seemed like all she did when we were alone together was cry for mommy. If I could get her out or around people she'd be distracted some, but the car ride to places, and once we were home, it seems like 90% of the time was tearful "I need my mommy" over and over.

Someone told me it was attachment issues, and I understood that. She's bonding to me and that confuses her so her emotions go a little bonkers. Ok. I understand.

This week has been better, BUT, I'm noticing that her emotions are turning on a dime. Tonight was the perfect example. She sitting in my lap after reading a story and singing, and talking, I told she it was time to hop into bed and she started crying "I need my mommy", then she giggled and smiled and said "look puppy!" (stuffed puppy on a shelf nearby) then proceeded to cry again immediately. I laid her in bed crying and she was on top of the covers so I told her she needed to be under the covers and bounced her out of the way so I could pull the covers back. She giggled and laughed the whole time until I got the covers up to her chin at which point she began crying again.

It feels like the twilight zone.

Is this kind of thing "normal" or should I be as concerned as I am right now? It will be documented and reported, but is this a serious sign of something or maybe something that, just like last weeks constant tears - will end?

I appreciate any advice you might have. I'm really concerned for her. I know emotions are hard to figure out and certainly hard for little ones to process. But I don't want any permanent damage if I can help it!

[midwestaimee]

How do you refer to yourself? Are you a "Mommy Someone" or Mama? She probably is crying out for you.

The story made me feel sad - I imagine it is worse for you.

Is bio around? Does she see her mom? Can you say, "you'll get to see Mommy on Wednesday?"

We initially started out by calling ourselves by our given names but immediately switched to "Mama Aimee" and "Daddy Steve." We needed some authority with the kids that didn't come with our given names.

Good Luck. I am thinking about you and your daughter.

Peace.

[flyawaynet]

I am 'Net". Kids everywhere have called me Net for the last 10 years, so it seemed fitting to just stick with it. I went back and forth on the 'mommy' title, but since she was still very attached to her mom I didn't think it would be appropriate.

I wonder if it really would make her feel better to switch her from "Net" to "mama" or something just so she'd feel she had a mommy figure around. It's a thought.

She does get to see mommy once a week for an hour. And I've responded so many times that she'll get to see mommy next week, that she now tells me she'll see mommy next week.

[mama2-8]

Poor little one, I sense that she probably is truely just missing her mommy. Often times abused and broken hearted children still love the bio parent even the really bad ones who have hurt them. When she seems very emotional I would just continue to comfort her, not that you are going to see mommy so much, because you don't want to set her up for failure if mommy doesn't show up for visits, or worse TPR. I would tell her its ok to feel sad, or scared but you are going to be there to give her hugs and kisses, and that you will be there to help her, she's three so the words may not mean anything at first, she will begin to feel it with your devotion. Comforting her, caring for her and loving her. I would request play therapy so that she can have a safe place to vent her feelings. Hang on, and with time she will begin to heal.

[Hadley2]

If she's calling you "Net" and she is this attached to mommy, I wouldn't mess with that.

I am sad for this little girl. She misses her mommy. I think it shows a pretty strong and probably fairly healthy attachment, not an "issue." It is what I would expect if my DDs had ever been without me.... Actually, it is what happened one year when I went alone to take care of my dad during an illness. DD1, 14, told me that DD2, home with DD1, FD and dad, cried at bedtime and sporadically here and there on occasional days.

You sound like a caring, compassionate person. I'm glad she is with you.

[tvs4]

I agree it sounds pretty "normal" for what the child has endured. She is probably very torn and does miss mommy and cries for her but is also bonding to you and enjoys time with you so she will likely continue to flux between happy and sad.
Also, I have a three year old girl and she is a very "normal" kid from a "normal" home and I can tell you that three year olds are pretty quirkly little things and that - especially when she is tried - she can go from laughing to tears and then be laughing again in seconds. Also what causes the laughing and tears can to adults seem like very very unimportant details but are clearly very important to a three year old. All of their emotions are so close to the surface!

Do you have some pictures of her and mom or of just mom. Even letting her draw pictures might help. With our FS we made a book about "his story" some with picture we had and some I had to draw (and my drawing skills are not stellar) but he loved it. Kids this age love books about them especially if you start the story with "there once was a little girl named ..." and then fill in her name and write a story aobut what has happened/ is happening and talk about her missing her mom but also being happy to be in a safe place too.

good luck.

[hubbyswife]

If you don't have any pictures of bmom. Ask the sw if it would be okay to send a disposable camera to the next visit so that the lil girl can have some pictures of bmom.

We did this but we did it b/c TPR was going to happen and I saw how my DD is when she gets to see a picture of her bmom. I wanted my FD to have a picture of her bmom.

[jen0ue]

I agree - you sound like a very caring person and your fd is very lucky to have you!

I think her emotions are very normal for her age and what she is going through... It makes sense that as she is bonding with you it might be confusing her.

Her emotional "outbursts" are going to be a lot more dramatic (and probably "real") then others her age, but it is also normal for her emotions to turn on a dime. It is a toddler/preschooler thing. I have worked in daycare and have a two-year of my own and have noticed that just as quickly as something can upset them - something can make them happy. She can be genuinely missing mommy, see a puppy and be filled with joy. She could be really missing mommy at bedtime, then find an opportunity to "play" by bouncing out of the way of the covers before bed and feel happy.

Emotions are a tricky thing, even for us adults. Children really have a hard time understanding them, throw in a tough situation, and it is very normal for her to act, well quirky! Try talking with her about how she is feeling (yes, this may be a very one sided conversation), but let her know it is ok to feel sad, or mad or happy or silly, and that she can tell you that. It is ok to feel sad and miss mommy. It is ok to feel happy and still miss mommy.

There are some great books for toddlers that talk about emotion. One in particular is called The Way I Feel - I love it!

Wishing the best for you and the little one! Keep being that consistent caring force in her life and it will get easier!

[jen0ue]

oh yeah! another thing you may want to try is having biomom sleep with a stuffed animal or blanket (that way it smells like her) and giving it to fd. It may help her feel more secure or close to biomom to have something in her new home that reminds her of mom. Children at that age think very concretely - she may say she is going to visit mom next week, but what she KNOWS is mom is not there right now. Having something that reminds her of mom, may help her emotions a little.

[hubbyswife]

When my DH was away for a week, my 3 yo DD had a hard time so I made a calendar and we checked off each day until it was the day daddy was coming home. This seemed to help her.

I would try this with her if her visits are consistent. If not I wouldn't.

W my FD her bmom had to call by noon on Thurs to verify that she would be there Friday afternoon so we never knew if there was a visit til late Thursday evening.

[lovingeyes]

I am curious how you react when she does this (especially at the beginning)? I may be way off track but I wonder if some of this could be a smidge of manipulation? It was bed time and right after you mentioned going to bed she started and then quickly changed to giggling. 3YO's definiatly are figuring out how to push buttons especially if she has abuse and neglect in her short history. This may not be the case, but you may want to watch when these episodes start and how you react. Even if it is not the case now, it could turn that way if your reactions are "oh poor baby" no matter the situation (ie if she is being disciplined or required to follow a request: bed time, nap time, etc.) I suggest a consistant response that doesn't let her out of any requirements but honors some true feelings if that is the case.

[flyawaynet]

Thank you all for your advice!

The visits are very consistant. Which is a great thing. And one of the suggestions is actually already being done just by coincidence. She comes home from nearly every visit with a new stuffed animal, and so she spends that week dragging that animal everywhere (church, every car ride, bed).

I think she would really get into the calendar idea, so we'll give that a shot and see what happens.

I wasn't really too concerned over her tears for mommy. It's hard to not be able to 'fix' it, but I didn't worry about it too much. It was that crazy jump from hah ha ha waaaaaaa ha ha ha that freaked me out. I'd hate to think that some serious personality issues were developing that she'd have a hard time working through.

You have definitely reassured me! Thank you.

[tvs4]

As a calander idea... my 3 year old had a hard time with a montly calander ...it was just a little to abstract. so what I did was take a piece for poster board and cut a long horizontal piece (maybe 2 feet long - but small enough to fit across my fridge) then divided it into 7 days. Each day got a different color (we just used crayons) so Monday is pink, Tuesday is blue, etc. Then for each day we glued on photos of things that happen that day. For example, preschool is on Mon, Tue and Thurs so we glued a photo of her at school. Friday we always have donuts so we glued on a picture of donuts. I stuck the "week" on the fridge. I also made a magnet of my daughter (i glued her photo onto a cheap fridge magnet). That way, she can move the magnet of herself from day to day. And she can see, today is monday, the pink day, I have preschool and we go to swim class. I think it really helped her to grasp an abstract concept of time and make it more "real". It might help you little on "see" how many days until a visit or what happens on Thursday so she has some more concrete concept of "you'll see mom next week".

[hubbyswife]

Yea- I used just a week not the full monthly calendar. I simply created my own and printed it out using Word. We didn't do anything fancy we just used a marker and put a big X thru the day and counted how many more days left.

Next time I'd probably use stickers.

[ranoutofnames]

Something I've done with my foster children that were between 3-5yrs and missing significant people in their life was give them a play phone. When they were missing Mommy, Daddy, or anyone else I would let them "call" on the play phone so they could talk to them.

I did this for A1 when she was 4yrs old. My husband was driving a truck cross country and did that for over a year. One day she screamed "I get to see my Daddy NEVER!!!" I knew she'd had it. He was in an area he didn't have cell coverage so we pulled out the play phone and she "called" him. I told her "ask Daddy what he's doing", "tell Daddy your favorite things" and other things to help her engage in the play. She would tell me what she thought Daddy was doing. It really helped. I found out how she was feeling about a lot of things because she was able to tell Daddy all about it.

I've had children say "mommy said she's in jail", "daddy's poking himself with pins", "grandma is going to give me a big hug", "Please don't be mad at me because I killed you"... yeah, that last one was hard. It was a child who was forced to help abuse his brother and while his brother spent a month in a burn unit and then rehab the little boy in my home couldn't visit because it was a sterile environment. He thought the reason he couldn't see his brother was because he was dead.