[ONRGARCIA]

I have a question regarding siblings visitation, I volunteered to pick up S siblings for a visit and take them out to eat or to a park and then drop them off (I of course asked approval first from caseworker and S siblings foster mom (D)). Well D told me today that 1 of the siblings would not be attending because she had been lying to her and that she knew punishing her this way would hurt her. Is this okay, I mean I would never punish any of my foster kiddos by telling them they would not be allowed to visit with siblings, parents and etc? I can only imagine how much it hurts S sister to know she's going to have to wait another 2 or 3 weeks to see S at the parents visitation! I've sent an email to S caseworker asking if this is allowed and if it is maybe I would just reschedule for another day when S sister is not punished that way she can visit with S to. Am I overreacting?

[etaag]

No, I do not feel that this is appropriate punishment. You are not overreacting. You may should mention it to their caseworker.

[vegaschristina]

Denial of family is never an appropriate punishment. Ever.

[stevenstwin]

Not only inappropriate, but we were told that it is absolutely not allowed. You can't cancel visits, phonecalls, with-hold letters, or any other approved communication with the family for any reason - not even if you think it is harmful to the child, and certainly not as a punishment.

[ranoutofnames]

Yuck... that sounds awful. Poor kid!

I have no idea what your workers are like but the workers in my area wouldn't get involved in this situation. We aren't allowed to deny regular, scheduled visits but when it comes to the extra visits arranged between foster parents our workers don't get involved.

How old is the sibling that is being denied the extra visit? Do you know what the exact lie offense is (i.e. is it a little white lie or something that is BIG).

[ONRGARCIA]

The sibling is 12 yrs. old and the lie was a little white lie, nothing major! The only thing I have a problem is that D is withholding a visit, isn't hard enough that these kids are in foster care but now they are denied a extra visit to see there baby sister? In our area we were also told we could not withhold any type of communication as a punishment, I guess it's up to now what the caseworker says and does about it!

[lovingeyes]

I am curious to hear what the CW says. This seems quite out of line. Sounds like this FM needs some new tools in her bag of tricks. I hope it works out.

[tvs4]

I agree it is not a good punishment and how does it keep the kid from lying? It is not a very logical concequence for the lie told to not see a sibling. There are probably about 1000 other more positive ways to teach a kid that lying isn't ok. I'm sure everyone on this board could come up with something.

I hope your CW persuades the foster mom to let the visit happen. And I hope the foster mom can find a better way to teach about lying.

[HappyMommy106]

This is directly against written policy in my state. You can not use withholding of any visits or family contact as a form of punishment.

This is not good for attachment issues. I would speak directly with that foster parent, if I were you. Say something like "this punishment choice punishes ALL the kids, including the ones who did not break a rule. Please chose another punishment for the infraction, not withholding a visit." I mean, DUH!!

[ranoutofnames]

It sounds like this other foster mom is out of ideas on discipline for lying and has resulted to something that she feels really hurts. I must admit that at 12yrs old they are too old to stand in the time out corner!

With Pre-teens I've had them:
take on extra chores ,
write two page report on why they shouldn't lie (or do other naughty things) ,
ground them from the phone ,
have them read books to younger kids in the house every evening for a week ,
pay me from their own earnings for every lie ,
go to bed an hour early ,
put up the Playstation 2

I tailor them specific to the level of offense and increase the number of days for certain things depending on the severity.

You might offer her some alternative discipline options. I can understand the frustration of trying to get a child to stop lying. When M was between 7-10 she would LIE about little and big things. It was frustrating because it was all the time so even little lies when added up felt more big than one big lie.

[Lorraine123]

Is it court ordered visitation?

[mom2behappy]

this seems to be a visit that the fosterparents agreed to outside of the regular court ordered visits. and as mean or bad as it seems. this foster parent is not obligated to do "extra" visits but was willing to do them. im not saying that its a right punishment. im just saying she has a right to say no since its not court ordered she is really under no obligation to allow the child to attend. i think personally i would be upset that the original OP went to the caseworker on this instead of voicing her concerns to me first, and would be reluctant to do any outside non agency supervised visits in the future.jmho

[Lorraine123]

I agree with mom2behappy. Thats why I asked if they were court ordered.

If they were not court ordered, then the other foster mother has no obligation at all to agree to the visit. I would be VERY upset if another foster parent called my worker because she didn't like my discipline method. Why the child wouldn't be attending the visitation is no one's business. The foster mom makes that decision.

We all have different discipline methods. I doubt anyone here would agree on everything. We chose what we think is best for our child.

Maybe this child has a really bad problem with lying. My daughter does and extra chores will not help it. Sometimes the parent needs to be extreme.

I find it surprising that we parents are so quick to jump on another parent's choices. I think its sad.

[committedsoul]

I'd have to agree with you, mom2behappy. I, too, do outside visitations between the kids in addition to the court ordered visitations. My 8 year old knows that it takes a really grave offense for me to take away his weekly extra visit, and I have never had to do it, but if need be, I would. That extra get together is something special that me and the other foster mom put together. We are in no way obligated to it and if Ks behavior warranted a cancellation, then so be it.

Its not within our abilities as foster parents to cancel any court ordered visitations though. I'd never do that. These extra visits are always to fun places like Chuck E Cheese's, Jokers, and places like that. I DO NOT reward bad behavior and if K were to do something that warranted that extra "fun" visit to be taken away, he would indeed miss out.

JMHO.

[mom2behappy]

parents to be parents of the children they are raising wether or not it conflicts with our parenting. wether we agree or disagree.... my sons older sister and brother are being raised by their grandparents two seperate grandparents. who allow me to pick themup on the condition that i not tell them that he is their brother do i agree with their way of thinking NO but do i respect it YES, Y because they are the parents and as such i have to respect whatever parenting decisions they make for their children period. I just think going to the caseworker was so wrong on so many levels.it would say to me that you believe your ways of parenting are better than mines. or that you believe you should have a say in the way i parent my child even foster child cuz any child living in my home is my child as long as they are there . and thats not to undermine any bio parents.