[MomInAL]

Just wondering how many of you have maintained a relationship with foster child after they have been returned to birth parents. Has it worked / not worked? Do you have any suggestions or insight?

The birth family of our 5 month old FD is very open to us maintaining contact and I really feel that we could help mentor this young couple. I know that FD needs time to bond with them without my interference, but just wondering who else has been down this road before and what advice you may have?

[stevenstwin]

No experience with this, but it sounds to me like this could be a great idea, if it is something you are willing to do! I think with everyone on the same page, these folks could really use a caring mentor. I'm assuming this would only be a bad idea in a case where the foster parents expected to adopt and then lost the child - or where the birth parents are truly dangerous.

[Hadley2]

It's nice that you have that thought, but I would be very careful of what you propose and what you do beyond possibly maintaining a tie with the child herself.

Our fd's former foster parents did this after RU on her first removal. It was a disaster and only prolonged her suffering years now beyond what it would have been. They "helped" enough, that the next removal was a year later, starting the foster case clock anew with all new players--new judge, new cw, new GAL, etc., nobody up to speed or particularly caring whether they were up to speed on how these parents really were. Had they not interfered, we are convinced she would have been removed within the six month overview period, on the first removal clock, and TPR would have been in 2004, not 2007.

Frankly, I was a bit bitter about that when fmom made a big deal of telling me how much they had helped the parents that year she was home as if it were a good thing. It really, really wasn't.

That said, it is a nice impulse. If there is a way to mentor parents without keeping them artificially functional, then it would be great if they could grow into the responsibility and keep their family intact. I would advise strongly against any tangible help--no babysitting or weekend respite, no housekeeping, no meal planning and cooking, etc. Again, it just creates the appearance of functionality, enough to fool a CASA or cw during the overview time.

[mrstkg1]

I had two boys a baby and a kindergartner, they went home about 3 years ago and the older boy still calls me. They went with their grandmother, who is very young and an experienced mother, but we stay in touch and see them often.

Mentoring is okay in unique circumstances, such as helping out to babysit once in a while or giving advice, I think every situation is different, certainly you would not want to prolong a child being in a bad situation, but maybe yours would be a case where a little added support could make all the difference in the world.

My experience is generally with a baby, once the child goes back, the family doesn't want to stay in touch. Perhaps others have other experiences.

Best wishes

[shaylynn]

For me, most of my kids-we have not had contact after reunion-the few parents we sorta suggested it to kinda act like No, you are the fault that our child got taken away or No, because if we screw even one little thing up, you will report us immediately to DHS. But on the other hand, I have had a case where it was the second time removal and when see each other a couple times a year, just to see how the kids have grown/doing and another case which I had the kids almost two years (they are now being adopted by a M aunt) and she says that since they have a bond with me and my kids that she wants that to continue since that is a big part of their life. So with that being said, it goes both ways. I am hoping that when the little one I have now goes back, that mom will let me see him from time to time-say at a park or something.

[chevyjewel]

We have contact with the sibling group of three we had. It's fantastic! Granted they weren't RUed with family but rather with another foster family that had taken care of the youngest. We have a very strong bond with the oldest and it's great to hear from all of them!

We don't "mentor" their current foster parents per say but definitely act as a secondary support system for them all.

[sillypooh12]

We have maintained contact with some children who have been returned home or to other family members. We leave it up to the family what they are comfortable with. In some cases it is a phone call a couple of times a year and in one case we keep the kids for a weekend about once a month.

Honestly, for the kids we have one weekend a month it is as much for us as the parents. It does us good to see that they are doing OK. It also gives their parents a break. I think it is a decision that you have to make for yourself and each child in your home could be different.

[MomInAL]

Originally Posted by sillypooh12

Honestly, for the kids we have one weekend a month it is as much for us as the parents. It does us good to see that they are doing OK. It also gives their parents a break. I think it is a decision that you have to make for yourself and each child in your home could be different.

It looks like we may be able to maintain contact about once a month or so like you have mentioned. The parents are very open to us staying in contact and it is comforting for us to know that the baby is doing well. In this case the parents really seem to have gotten their act together and are doing what they are supposed to do!

[Withay]

Just know that just because the family is, at this time saying that they want to maintain contact that it doesn't always happen that way.

I had a little girl from birth until she was 17 months old. The family out and out insisted, in front of the cw, that she spend weekends and anytime they came to town with me as it would 'be easier' for them.

She was ru'd 5 months ago. I have seen her exactly twice. The last time I called to see how everything was going and give the mom moral support she informed me that she didn't want her staying with me at all anymore and that we could 'maybe' have a picnic in the park, but not until after school started. We left it that they would call when they were ready and I haven't heard anything since July.

Another foster child was with me for 14 months and was ru'd 2 years ago. I saw her regularly until the dads new job took them to the other side of the country. The grandmother is now my hairdresser so I do get updates. I was invited to her birthday party last May.

Another little guy was adopted by relatives after he had been in my home for almost 11 months (I am so happy for this family). They live in another state and about 6 weeks ago came through town and stopped by for 3 hours. I am currently foster the 1/2 sib to this little guy and the same family is going to adopt him. What a blessing for these boys.