[lovecreatesafamily]

Our 6 year old fs, who has been with us for over a year and is in the process of getting adopted by us, wets or poops his pants about once every 3 weeks. When you ask him, he will tell you that he knew he needed to go potty but he will make the choice to wet his pants. We have talked with him and it seems like he doesn't care. We have explained the importance of not wetting his pants to him. He will do this in Walmart, at the neighbors house, outside (because he doesn't want to stop playing) and tonight in my husbands truck. There is not any medical issues. We have tried everything. We have grounded him, had him wash his clothes, wear a diaper and get treated like a baby, and he has told his friend that he couldn't play because he pooped his pants and lied. Tonight, while driving home, my husband asked fs if he peed his pants (fs got really quite so dh knew something was wrong). Of course, fs said NO. When fs got home, he got out of the truck like nothing was wrong. DH found the pee in the back seat and sent fs inside. We are at a loss. We always remain calm, love on him after his punishment, and encourage him that he can tell us anything. He acts like he doesn't care. We are open and seeking any advice. Please help us!!

[Boulderbabe]

Kids who wet at an advanced age have complicated emotional problems. Punishing him in any way is only going to increase the trauma associated with toileting and make the problem worse. Please, do not punish him! And especially, don't call him a "baby" or make him wear a diaper. You're humiliating him, and that can leave lasting emotional scars.

Call your pediatrician, and get a referral to an eneuresis (inappropriate urination) clinic. Make SURE they have experience in dealing with kids who have been abused or neglected. Your fson cannot help what he is doing. He is not doing it on purpose. You guys need help to help him overcome his trauma and learn to control this himself.

[AmyAnne]

Make enforced potty breaks? Offer stickers for "dry days?" (When he has, say 10 stickers you do something like go out for ice cream). Focus on the positive...when he DOES go to the bathroom. Not the negative.

[heidibay66]

I have 5 and half years of psychology and microbiology and I have 7 kids, two of which wet the bed up thru 5th grade. It is not necessarily and emotional problem or a physical one. Sometimes when kids get busy or when they are sleeping TOO deep, the signal just doesn't get to the brain in time. If there is a lot of stimulation that the child enjoys and is not used to then he won't want to stop to go to the bathroom.
The best thing for you to do is try to figure out if it is a certain time of day, are there other people around, is there some sort of stimulation he is enjoying.
If he is adopted recently within a couple of years then his situation has changed and it is very common for children to have that kind of behavior when situations change and they have no control over it. They can control their bodily functions when they can't control the situation kind of thing.
Don't panic, coming from a professional point of view, this would not even throw up any red flags for me in therapy. I would just tell you the same thing I told you above and add, "Just Love Him anyway." He'll need to know you do and it should stop within a year or two. Don't panic, it is more common in boys than in girls. We girls have muscles that make it easier to keep it in.
Good luck and like I said, relax, don't panic. It will all be ok.
Heidi

[withopenarms]

has he been checked for diabetes or other health issues

[hkolln]

Don't punish him for going in his pants. Do not make it such a great big deal when he does. Say "Ok we'll change you" and leave it at that. Don't constantly nag him about how wrong it is. He's doing this because of emotional issues...maybe he's nervous about the upcoming adoption?

Our niece wet the bed a few months ago. I told her it was no big deal and we changed her sheets. That was the last time I mentioned it.

I would get him tested just in case it is something medical. To me it sounds like you should have potty breaks every couple hours and when he does go in the potty give him a reward. Focus on when he does go and not when he goes in his pants. Encourage him to use the potty. Maybe you'll have to sorta potty train him over again.

[JJemail1]

I have to agree with the majority. I tend to think that one of the classic psychology effects of abuse and neglect--even instability--is regression. Bed-wetting, for example, is prominent in the foster child population. These are things that have to be worked through. However, attaching shame, punishment, taboo, or any negative reinforcement to an act that may or may not be voluntary is the worst thing one can do.

Having wet the bed myself, I can assure you that a 6 year old child feels an immense amount of shame the way it is. He may say he knew he had to go to the bathroom but he may not be being completely honest about that. Perhaps it's easier for him to assert that it is a choice he is making rather than something he cannot control. Regardless, any type of punishment on top of the shame he no doubt already feels (if only deep inside) is not only counter-productive, it exacerbates the problem in my opinion.

I would remodel your approach. Also, maybe you should replace your child's underwear with pull-ups--that may relieve you of the stress of untimely accidents and make it easier to handle the situation using positive reinforcement rather than punishment. The cost of the pull-ups will be worth it.

Having said all of this, I'm not in your shoes and can't imagine how frustrating it must be. But as an adult who was once a child with a similar problem, I'm sure I would have done better had I not been punished for an involuntary act.

[Hadley2]

It sounds frustrating and hard to deal with. DD2 had secondary bedwetting, also, and so I know firsthand that it is one thing to know and want to be patient and kind and another to pull that off in every moment.

As for what to do, ditto most of the above. It may or may not be emotional. If you haven't taken him to an eneuresis/encopresis specialist and/or ruled out food allergies directly, I don't know how you can say it is not a medical problem. You just really can't know that without a lot of investigation.

Definitely get the referral and go. In the meantime, cut out ALL dairy, at least a month or two and see what happens. This includes "hidden" dairy in breads, crackers, candy, etc., other processed foods. Read all labels, you would be surprised where dairy lurks and under what names ("lact- any suffix is dairy; check out vegan websites for more nonobvious clues to dairy content). Understand that even if this is the problem, it won't resolve right away. My friend's son had dairy allergy. What you sometimes see on the outside--flushed cheeks--is multiplied many times over in the soft tissues on the inside. She and her husband thought they were "reasonably" careful about not giving him dairy foods, but on playdates, school, and occasionally when out and about, he was getting some small amounts in processed foods. It was enough to cause tremendous problems. Her son initially had pain when passing and began to withhold. Withholding, in turn, caused more nerve and muscle damage, including desensitizing and weakening. It got to the point where he didn't feel it when he needed to go and couldn't stop it when it started. All of this came up as "secondary"--that is, after having been potty trained earlier.

Everyone, including at first his pediatrician, teachers, other parents, and even his mother who is now a therapist, thought he was doing it on purpose. It took failing with that theory for about a year before investigation into the dairy problems created the solution. It took about another year for all the effects of even tiny amounts of dairy to wear off for him to have complete success.

Because this is something that is so second-nature to most of us and because we are so tuned, as parents, to seek and detect oppositional behavior, I think it is hard for us to really get, sometimes, that the child who actually wants to do this on purpose and who can actually follow through on that desire is extremely, extremely rare. It goes against strong instincts--most people, even children, over the age of four would actually have a very difficult time doing it on purpose in an inappropriate place. We are hardwired not to--just look at how distressed your mature dog is when he can't go out; we share, with him, the strong instinct to keep ourselves and our "nest" clean. Try an experiment: wait until you really have to go, while sitting on a chair or in your car, then think about trying to go right there. You probably couldn't, not for a long time, anyway, until your muscles just let go.

It also obviously goes against social conditioning and social and personal expectations as well. For a grade-school kid, this is social suicide--I would think he would have to be showing other extreme signs of antisocial behavior for this to fit as a willful act.

Good luck to you and the boy. I hope that whatever is causing this can be resolved soon for him.

[pogonorms]

My 7yr old FD wet and soiled herself. The therapist said to make her responsible for it... she had to take the bed apart, wash out the feces from her underwear, etc. It never bothered her either.

I acted very casual about the whole thing... made it very "matter of fact" (ok, go clean up). Never made her feel bad or embarassed. I would tell her that she really needs to work on it because the kids in school will notice and tease her.

Her poop issue was medical (she was all backed up) and was getting better by the time she left. I gave her Poise pads to wear and made sure she went to the bathroom before we left the house, before we left where we were going, and when we got home.

But really, she didn't care. I'd find pads in my son's toy box, peed clothes on the floor...

In some cases, it's a control issue. This is one thing they can control. If he knows it makes you upset/mad he'll do it to get (negative) attention.

It's very complex and I wish you the best in sorting it out but do not punish. Stickers and rewards... stickers and rewards.

[lovecreatesafamily]

Thanks for the advice. Last night when I wrote this post, I was crying and feeling like we didn't know what else to do. I will say that we have tried positive reinforcement with this issue and others and it dosen't seem to work with fs. We are usually very patient parents. Things do not surprise or upset us when misbehavior is involved. We pray for wisdom and try to respond in a Christ like way. This, we will continue to do and today I am calling the doctor. We have consulted him before and today I will be requesting a specialist. We realize that he does have emotional issues and we do not want to add to them. We want to help him overcome ALL his past. We love him so much. We really feel this is a control issue and that fs makes the choice to wet and soil his pants. Especially, when we have regular potty breaks through the day. The only thing we have not tried is ignoring it. We are going to try just handling it like it doesn't matter, seek the specialist, and contiune to pray for our son. Thanks again to all who responded. It helped us realize that this is common and gave us things to ponder.
Blessing to all

[jen0ue]

I may be jumping in a little late here, but I agree with most and wanted to add that you may consider counseling for him. As it has been said - it probably is a control issue. His life has been one situation after another that he can not do anything about, and so he holds onto what little control he has. If he wants attention, he knows how to get it. Counseling may help him sort through some of that. If he learns that he can control his emotions, or learn how to work through them, I believe he will improve. Of course you know, you have to be so careful with the counselor you choose. Consider "interviewing" different ones and choose who feel will be able to reach him. You and your husband are close to the situation and it make take an "outsider" to really help him work through this. Praying that God gives you continued strength!

[Lorraine123]

My daughter came to us at 6 years old and she was still wetting her pants.

Heres my take on it - I believe it is a control issue. Once the child feels settled and in control of his life, the wetting will subside. Until them, nothing you can do will stop it.

Take him to a doctor, but once physical issues are ruled out, don't dwell on it. That gives him more control and reinforces that by wetting he is manipulating you.

You need to let your son have total ownership of the issue. Not as a punishment, but as a natural consequence. If I peed on the floor, I would clean it up. If I peed in my pants, I would wash them. Do the same with him. Don't think a 6 year old can't wash clothes. They can. Make him change the sheets on his bed and wash the dirty ones. Thats just what happens in real life. No one cleans up after you.

I had my daughter carry a plastic bag around with her and always sit on. That way pee or poop does not get on the car seats or furniture. Again, not a punishment, just respect for things.

When my daughter would pee, I would just say, "Hmmm, you know what to do." She knew how to change the sheets, or wash her clothes or whatever. I taught her how to do it. That way, it was her issue, not mine.

Just a note - I did not have a 6 year old use the washing machine. I had her rinse her clothes first in the toilet, then wash them in the bathtub, then hang them outside to dry, then clean out the bathtub. I rewashed them in the washer, but I didn't have to deal with the grossness.

Oh - and put a plastic mattress over on the bed.

[kimb1005]

My bio son, who is 10, wets his bed. It was happening far more often when he was having a stressful school year but, even wiht everything calm, still happens. No medical problems--he just sleeps really deep sometimes. Though I know your situation is different in that it happens when he is awake, we deal with it by :him telling him with no consequences (he tried to hide it after I got irritated once --not with him but because I had to do yet another load of laundry). He has now chosen to just strip his bed and leave the sheets on the floor or by the washer so I know and he doesn't have to say anything, reminding him to use the bathroom before bed, limiting his fluid intake before bed and finally, if he really seems to be having a problem,asking him to wear his "GoodNites" to bed for a day or so. The less stressful solution for him has been the Not talking about it because he really does feel emabarrassed by it.

[AmyAnne]

I should mention that my son would deliberately wet the bed when he first moved in with us. He was in the 7-8 age range and we had this issue on and off for about 18 months. He was doing it because he resented bedtime and was trying to prolong it.(Literally, FIVE MINUTES after we put him in bed he'd have peed the sheets. And it'd be the sheets and the pillow and the blanket, so obviously he was going for distance or something) He would also make himself vomit in the bed so he could get out of bed and take a shower and get our attention.

We really had to buckle down. We had to make him clean it up himself, etc. But at the same time we tried to show no negative reactions.

This week he did accidentally pee the bed for the first time in over a year. He stripped his bed, and took a shower while I remade the bed. Then I tucked him in and kissed him and he said "thanks Mom".

[shaylynn]

It is hard not to want to punish the kid but it doesn't really help. I too have a 11 year old adopted son who sleeps so sound that he pees the bed usually about 3 times a week even with medication. I give him to choice to bring his bedding down so it can get washed or if he dosen't want to bring it down, then we shut his down so the smell stays just in his room. If he goes to bed upset about something-that is an automatic wet night! but he also does it on other days too. The doctor says that his bladder just hasn't grown enough yet-WHEN THEN? Also since you are in the stages of adopting, he might be giving you the final test, to see how much he can do and you won't give up on the adoption. Just my theory!