[skylark_25]

A little history first....I did not go into foster care with the intent of adopting but always thought if the right child came into my life I would pursue adoption. That being said, my current FS was 17 months old when he first came to live with me, but at the age of 2 he was place with a relative out of state. At the time I thought it was a good placement. Fast forward 14 months...He was removed from the relative for neglect and I was contacted about taking him back again. Of course, I said 'yes' and he has been with me for the last 5 months. He is now 3 1/2 yrs old and about to go up for adoption.

Now the problem....I don't want to adopt him! He is absolutely gorgeous (he could be a child model) he doesn't have any medical problems, no attatchment issues, and no developmental delays. Everyone, especially my family thinks I'm nuts for not wanting to keep him forever. I DO love him, and want what's best for him, it just doesn't feel like he isn't meant to be mine forever. I feel terribly guilty for putting him through another transition, but I don't think it would be right for me to adopt him for this reason when I know that there must be dozens of families out there that would truely LOVE to have this child become a part of their family. Is my family right? I'm I crazy to not be pursuing this adoption?

Becca

[seekfirstthekingdom]

you are not crazy at all, what would be crazy is if you did adopt him when you really dont want to.

I was in a similar situation, I had 2 little girls that were absolutely perfect, I said I only wanted to adopt 1 child because of financial reasons, so they were moved to an adoptive home, I have missed them so bad it still hurts when I think about them.

I later found out about all the services that they continue to provied even after adoption is completed, our main fear where finances were concerned was more medical, if something serious came up we would not be able to afford medical expenses. found out way too late that they can still get medicaid after adoption is final.

Just make sure this is a decision that you will not regret the day he moves out, I still regret letting my little girls go.

good luck on all you decide to do and remember the decisions we make are OUR decisions not our moms, sisters, ect...

[stevenstwin]

What are your reasons for NOT wanting to adopt? You haven't really said what it is that puts you off about this child, other than a vague feeling that it isn't right. I'm wondering if there is just some sort of a disconnect due to losing him for those 14 months, kind of a reverse attachment disorder. Is this something you can maybe work through? I'd really hate to see him lose his family AGAIN if it isn't necessary - nor have you regret it later. Could the two of you go to some sort of counselling? Certainly if you dont' want to make a permanent committment to him it is best to let him go as soon as possible, but you might want to really explore your feelings first. About your theory that another family would love to have him.....well, yeeess, but I'd have to think they'd be running a pretty high risk of getting a child with rejection and attachment disorders starting to develop. I don't want to offend anyone, but I don't know how many times we can move a child without knowing that's what is going to happen - especially ife he's developed a significant bond with you.

[skylark_25]

Stevenstwin, I can't really say that anything about this child puts me off. I just can't say that I feel the desire to parent him permanantly. I don't think the separation has anything to do with my feelings b/c the relatives kept in contact with me during the time they had him. I've been fostering for a little over 2 years now (mostly infants) and seen numerous placements come and go. I did just recently lose a fc that had been with me since birth and was 10 months old when he left. I was very attatched to him and if he had been available for adoption I would have pursued it. Maybe with the loss of my baby I'm just not ready to consider another child. That being said, my worst fear is my 3yr old having permanant attatchment issues b/c of putting through another move, the reason I took him back in the first place was to prevent him from going through so many changes. I don't know what to do.

Becca

[athikers]

If you love him and wants what's best for him then I think you should really evaluate your reasons. It will certainly harm him to be moved.

[sdiedre]

Becca, I would seriously think about talking to a therapist before making a decision. I know that letting go of my foster kids can do a number on me at times that leaves me feeling a little disconnected/numb.....is there a chance that a part of you has been holding back because you lost him once, what if it happened again? Now that there is a chance to make it forever, maybe a part of you just hasn't made that transition yet......

Anyway - don't do something you may regret. Take your time and do some thinking/talking with someone who miht be able to help you pinpoint those feelings a bit better.

[flyawaynet]

I don't like that. Not one bit.
I'm a single gal, hard working, and I've chosen (and feel that God chose me) to put my life towards giving children a home during troubled times.

I hate, absolutely hate, the idea that I'm going to be judged or considered to be 'harming' a child by not stepping up and saying "You know what, instead of a year to 18 months or so, I'm going to keep this child for the next 18 years of my life."

For all that is said, for all that I do, for as much as I treat this child, as my child... it's not my child. I didn't bring it into the world, and it isn't my fault that a child will see another placement.

It's the parents fault, plain and simple.

I'm in this as a foster parent. A temporary parent. I'll parent with everything that's in me, wholeheartedly, my sweat, my tears, I'll mop fevered brows and hold a crying child - probably cry with them - and clean up their puke, and other bodily messes. I will love them until it is time for their new life to begin.

I'll be the stranger that teaches that anger isn't always hitting, and love isn't touching you in bad places. And then, when the time comes I will cry and weep because a part of me has walked out the door and gone to live with a new 'mommy'. And I will celebrate that MY JOB, and my privilege is over.

I urge you, don't let guilt make you become a parent. How many young girls are guilted into sex that ends up making a baby? You care enough to be here, loving this child during a hard time of their life, just because you happen to be there doesn't obligate you for the rest of your life. YOU choose that. And often, God chooses that right for you. Obviously, when the right child comes along you'll know when to pursue it.

Follow your gut, not your guilt.


That's my 2 cents.

[stevenstwin]

Yes, it sounds like you've certainly spent some time on this. I guess ultimately a happy family can not be made by adopting a child that doesn't feel like "yours" and never will. That would hurt him more than another placement. But I do wonder if the loss of your other child is causing some conflict for you. I agree with the poster above that you can't let guilt force you into keeping him, BUT it is an absolute true fact that it
IS going to hurt him. I wish that wasn't the reality, but we both know it is. So if you know in your heart that you have to let him go, it's got to be done as soon as possible, and with a therapist actively involved to help mitigate some of the difficulty for him (and you might need some validation, too, since I know you ARE going to worry and feel guilty, even if you do decide you have to do it). I wish you the best - it sounds like you are faced with a choice that is going to hurt either way.

Originally Posted by skylark_25

Stevenstwin, I can't really say that anything about this child puts me off. I just can't say that I feel the desire to parent him permanantly. I don't think the separation has anything to do with my feelings b/c the relatives kept in contact with me during the time they had him. I've been fostering for a little over 2 years now (mostly infants) and seen numerous placements come and go. I did just recently lose a fc that had been with me since birth and was 10 months old when he left. I was very attatched to him and if he had been available for adoption I would have pursued it. Maybe with the loss of my baby I'm just not ready to consider another child. That being said, my worst fear is my 3yr old having permanant attatchment issues b/c of putting through another move, the reason I took him back in the first place was to prevent him from going through so many changes. I don't know what to do.

Becca

[skylark_25]

Thanks everyone for the responses. Knowing I have everyone here as a sounding board is a blessing. While I do plan on examining my feelings for my fs a little more deeply, I think flyawaynet has summed up my feelings better than I have.....I love my fs and will do all that I need to do for him in this difficult time, but I do not feel called to commit myself to him for his or my lifetime.

Becca

[stevenstwin]

Originally Posted by flyawaynet

For all that is said, for all that I do, for as much as I treat this child, as my child... it's not my child. I didn't bring it into the world, and it isn't my fault that a child will see another placement.

It's the parents fault, plain and simple.

I don't think that anyone wants to make this about fault or blame. But you have to acknowledge that EVERY change in placement DOES hurt a child. And if you've ever seen attachment disorder up close, it is absolutely heartbreaking, for the child and for the parents that eventually end up with the child. We all have to take the responsibility of knowing that our decisions ARE going to affect another life. Profoundly. And that is why we better make darn sure we act with great caution and consieration of this responsiblity that we take on when we first agree to foster a child. I guess my main point would be that the child isn't going to CARE 'whose' fault it is if they are hurt - they are just going to be hurt.

[Sam-N-Tony]

Just putting my 2 cents, follow your heart, as it will lead you to where you need to be.

I know of someone who was a foster mom, her 2nd placement, he was about 5 months old, eventually got down to adoption when he was about 2, and all along her husband loved this child, his family loved this child, her family loved this child, but she didn't. As being someone from the outside and seeing her discuss her feelings towards this child, and knowing her husband had threatened her with divorce if she didn't adopt him, was one of the saddest things in life. I don't know why she never really attached to him but just expressed she wanted her "own" baby (she's also expressed to only loving babies under 1). All along she fought in court to have this child TPR'd but when it came down to it, she didn't want to do it and technically was forced to adopt him. Don't get me wrong she put up a good front but it was all a lie and my heart goes out to that child knowing that he has a mother that may never love him and I pray that in the event they do get divorced, that he goes with his father because he trully loves him.

Though it may hurt the child to be moved to another home, and may hurt him more to remain in your home. By no means I am saying you don't love this child, I am sure you do and saying you want the best for him, shows how much you trully do love him, but you cannot force yourself into something you don't feel is there.

Make sure you are honest with yourself before committing to anyting that can affect your life as well as your foster child.

[mom2behappy]

Im confused as to why the OP took this child back, did you @ onepoint believe that this could be your forever child? if not then why have him reconnect to you knowing if theopportunity came for you to adopt you wouldnt? wouldnt it have been better to allow another family to take him once he was removed from the family member? as it seems know this lil guy will feel confused and maybe even rejected from you twice. imho if you have these feeling you need to let him go NOW. rather than hold onto him for the next weeks months or what have you while you ponder your feeling on why or why not to keep him in the long run this child will suffer the longer you take to mkae up your mind.

[professor70]

flyawaynet has taken the words right out of my mouth. Like you stated you are not in fostering to adopt so don't feel guilty. You can not save every child out there. You can only do what you agreed to do which is to care for them and love them until the state finds someone who is willing to adopt.

It is heartbreaking to see these kids go thru so many moves but it will be more devastating for both of you to take a child into your life forever that you do not really want to adopt. It will very likely become an issue later in life.

[skylark_25]

Thanks for all the continued replies. I continue to think it all through and have even spoken to a counselor I work with about the matter. I am still leaning towards not adopting my fs, but I'm trying to really study my feelings so that there won't be any regret on my side or unneccessary hurt on my fson's side.

Mom2behappy, I took this child back b/c at the time the cw was did not think that he would be going up for adoption. There was a possiblity of him going to another relative, and I didn't want him to be placed with 'strangers' while in foster care if it could be prevented. Foster and foster/adopt homes in my area are scarce and it was unlikely that he would have been placed in a home that was looking to adopt.

If he does go to a new family for adoption, I would like to make the transition as successful as possible. I've never transitioned a fc to anyone but a relative before and I can't say that CPS provided any kind of 'real' transitions in those cases. It was more like "The family is here...Could you please come drop off the baby?" Some one here mentioned having a therapist involved. How do I do that and what other things should I be urging the cw to do to make the transition go well, if the time comes.

Also I forgot to mention, I'm not 'holding up' his adoption while I try to make up my mind. His cw is getting together the needed info for him to be considered by other families, he explained to me that I had 'a little time to consider but they have to keep things rolling for him' and of course I understand this.

Thank you
Becca