[midwestaimee]

Hello all.

We have 3 FKs, (5, 3 & 19 months). They have been with us for four months and the goal is for reunification with bio mom (although I am not sure this is going to happen).

Bio dad showed up to one court date and has been MIA since (three months ago). The 5YO talks about bio dad a lot and we always tell him that it's not up to us if he gets to see the dad, rather the Judge. Yesterday, I slipped and said something to the effect of, "well, it's up to Dad and the Judge." He was confused. I was confused - I changed the subject.

But we hold these kids accountable for every action. And we are not holding bio dad to same standard. By all accounts, bio dad is out of the picture permanently. This is going to make me little guy so sad. And FWIW, the bio dad was gone before the kids came into care.

He does see a play therapist, and I am going to mention this to her. But do you have any suggestions about how to deal with this subject.

The bio mom is doing her visits but not much else with her plan. Initially, she was telling them that the bio dad was going to come to the visits as well but I think the parent aide has put a kabosh on that.

Thanks in advance!

[HappyMommy106]

Are mom and bio dad still together? Or does she only hope they will reconcile?

[swanzie]

I think the important thing here is that you tell this child the truth on his/her level...just because you changed the subject doesn't make this confusion go away with your foster child. I never fibbed at all with my fks and they were 6 & 13 when placed. I just brought it down to the 6 years olds level. For instance I would say its just like rules here at home...lets say you eat your dinner - you get desert. If the judge tells your dad that he needs to do certain things he expects your dad to do them - and when he doesn't he doesn't get to visit. and so far your dad isn't following the rules so the judge can't let him see you right now until things are safe. Let him know once his dad follows the rules that the judge will allow visits...but that is up to his Dad. It makes sense - its the truth - and it doesn't give the impression that the judge is this big bad meany and put his dad up on this pedestal. Remember someday - that child might have to be in front of a judge to be adopted...and that is going to be one scarred kid if you give him the impression that the judge is a horrible person taking away someone he loves.

I used to say that there are all kinds of rules we must live by - no running in the halls, bedtimes, all kinds of things - this judge is just making sure your parents are following the rules so you will be safe. Things like that I always found to help my little one when she questioned missed visits or why she was in foster care etc.

Good luck

[Mkuhlmann06]

I agree with Swanzie in acknowledging that the biodad and biomom are not following rules or are not make good/safe decisions. If biodad is MIA, then I would say something along the lines of, biodad needs to contact the county in order to schedule the visit. Once he does we'll schedule it. Showing that he won't be seeing his dad, til his dad does a certain action.

I sheltered a lot of info from our 2 foster sisters when they were with us. Although we blamed the county for the rules, we made sure they knew their biomom/dad wasn't following them... as to not blame us or the county for their biomom/dad's lack of action.

[straightblues]

We just said things like sorry your Dad is continuing to make bad choices and you are a great child it isn't you.

On another subject, if the bio dad is gone, he will have to be notified of the court dates so he can have his rights terminated. Check with the court and your social worker to see how they do this in your state. In California, they put notices in the newspaper for three consecutive months to try to find missing dads. This ads time to the case. If they are heading for TPR get this process started early so you don't have to wait around at the end of the process.

[midwestaimee]

Are mom and bio dad still together? Or does she only hope they will reconcile?

No - I think she maybe wishes but he is long gone out of her life. She developed brain cancer (we think) six months before the kids came into care. She wasn't physically able to care for them. And supposedly he jumped ship when she got sick.

and that is going to be one scarred kid if you give him the impression that the judge is a horrible person taking away someone he loves.

Very good advice. I don't think we make it out to be too scary but I should watch it. I am a lawyer and the 5YO has been to court with me on several occasions and the judges just drool over him, so I don't think he is scared of the concept of judges in general.

The dad has visits in place including a parent aide that will pick him up & take him to the visits - he just hasn't returned any of her phone calls.

If they are heading for TPR get this process started early so you don't have to wait around at the end of the process.

I mentioned something to one of the social workers about the case against dad - there isn't one at this point. Although he was in court that one time, he was not a named party. Still isn't. I have read the statues, and I believe the State will be able to TPR after 12 months of no contact.

We just have to figure out an appropriate way to start conveying all this information and advice. I really appreciate the input.

[Sam-N-Tony]

I'm not too familiar with MIA parents but in my fkids case, right now they have adoption as a goal. Mom and Dad pretty much have 6 months to get the ball rolling if they want to get the kids back. My 7yr old asks all the time when am I going home? I simply tell him "Mom and Dad need to work on some things before you can go home, you might be here for a little while or a long while, it really depends on your Mom and Dad and if the Judge feels its safe for you to go back home"

We haven't started talking about possible adoption only because as we all know they say the goal might be adoption but that doesn't mean that the kids cannot go back to the parents. If they actually start working on their case plan, they still may have a chance. So i don't want to scare them and telling them they may never go back but leave it open ended.

I think since this is his 2nd time in foster care he just thinks within time he will go back, which may or may not be the case. He constantly tells me that he's going to call the Judge, because the Judge is going to send him back home. I explain to him that that's not the way it really works.