[oldenough]

We have our niece here and she's been here since May. Lately, she'll say, "I love you, Mom" all the time. While at first it was endearing and I always responded, now it's like she doesn't know what else to say.

She climbs me and wants me to pick her up a lot. I don't usually pick her up-only on rare occasions. I don't normally mind about the climbing. I know she just wants to be close and is comfortable giving and recieving affection and I always reciprocate (sp?)...but, the constant, "I love you, Mom" is wearing thin and I'd like to not be so frequent without hurting her feelings.

Anyone have an idea why she does this and what I can do to help?

[AmyAnne]

Has she been evaluated for attachment issues? OR maybe it's just she's saying it because she need to hear YOU say you love her.

[oldenough]

I DO tell her a lot during the day. How many times does she need to hear it!? LOL My Mom and other family members are growing tired of it, too.

Now, she's saying it infront of other people and she gets the "Awwh's" and "Oh how sweet"...I'm afraid this is only going to continue.

She doesn't normally call me Mom, BTW. She calls me Aunt Lori most of the time.

Any ideas how I can curb this without hurting her feelings? I feel like she's trying to be nice...but sometimes I feel it's anxiety driven as well. Oh, and she's soon to be 5.

[Familynotcomplete]

I think it may be an age thing. My 4 year old bio daughter says it ALOT too. We've had to put boundaries like she isn't to touch peoples faces (she used to touch everyones face.. kinda hard to explain in public)

[oldenough]

That's funny you mention about the face thing. Our Sugar Pie always wants to give me eskimo kisses!

[fostermomintx]

My 4 1/2 year old has been saying that alot lately too. I wonder if it is just an age thing. He'll be 5 in January...

[Kristin7]

I think it could be more than just an age thing. How long has your niece been with you? is she adopted/foster/guardianship...or just visiting. Sorry if I don't know your situation.

I have a very similar thing happening with my young niece..she is 8. She has been living with me most of her life...but she has had a very traumatic existence and I know she is very insecure and has attachment issues. One of the ways she shows it is her constant clingyness and repeated questioning if I love her.

She asks me several times a day. Then when I respond she says "oh i know you love me mommy". She says she loves me repeatedly throughout the day too. And she loves to be held and loves to be in my lap and will climb on me to get closer to me all the time.

She is desperate to have me near her....to tell her I love her and always will etc. Permanency here is not established yet and I know that weighs heavily on her...she needs my contact/tell her i love her to reassure her.

I think it is alot to do with her insecurity and lack of trust.

I'm not saying that is how it is with your niece...but it could be.

It gets tiring saying over and over again...but I do so to hopefully help her know that its true and that she can always count on me to give her love.

K.

[Lorraine123]

I see it as an attachment issue. A couple of things could be happening - she could have a very insecure attachment, or she could be using this to control your responses. Either way, you should look into attachment therapy. She will not stop simply by you reassuring her. The trauma is too deep for that.

[Tudu]

I agree with Lorraine, it sounds like an attachment issue.

[oldenough]

Thank you all for your responses.

One of the things I've noticed is she is NOT shy when it comes to other women. She'll talk their ears off if they let her...and just today at her soccer game, she was hugging her coach. She's only see her (the coach) 2 times! I was shocked because I didn't think she would do that!

At school, her teacher told me they give her "extra" love. They have her sit with them, and pay, what I assume-more attention to her. To ME, I don't want her having special treatment because I don't want her thinking that people are going to feel sorry for her because she's not with her mom or that there's something wrong with her life.

She's the daughter of a friend I've had all my life. She's been passed between her mother and father all her life (she'll soon be 5) and she came to me because her mother couldn't handle her anymore and was yelling at her all the time and started spanking her more and more. She asked me to help her out by bringing Sugar Pie here. She's been with us since May.

She adjusted very well. A lot better than I ever thought she would. She has always been outgoing, never shy. A few times she would go sit with women we (or she) didn't know and we'd tell her to come back to us...I didn't know what to make of it then.

We can get her therapy. I'm not sure I can find Attachment Therapy. We're in a rural area, etc. But, in the meantime, what do I do?

[Lorraine123]

Sounds like attachment disorder for sure. Therapy that is not attachment therapy would be harmful. In the meantime, I would keep her by your side at all functions. Do not let her hug others. Tell the school personnel not to give her extra attention and definitely not extra "love". She should only receive affection from you. Tighten the reins.

[professor70]

Sounds like an attachment issue to me also and I agree with the school thing. Tell them not to encourage the behavio or give her "extra" love. As long as the charm works on someone it will continue. Then it can turn into manipulation.

[An_A_Frame_House]

Originally Posted by oldenough

She climbs me and wants me to pick her up a lot. I don't usually pick her up-only on rare occasions.

I think that's exactly what she needs from you! She should not get that special attention from anyone BUT you! I know some foster moms who believe that carrying the child on your hip, rocking, snuggling, and swaddling older children it very therapudic for children who have been neglected. I've read a lot and done months of research (I am not a foster parent) and she may or may not have attachment issues but may just want to experience something with you that she feels she missed out on. I can tell you one thing, it is impossible to give her TOO MUCH ATTENTION AND LOVE! Knowing what I know, I would pick her up and hold her, rock, her, sing to her, and snuggle with her as much as she wants. Teach her that there are appropriate times for that kind of contact and don't allow her to get it from her teacher, coach, or strangers!

[Kristin7]

I definately think it is attachment issue.

We may think the kids are doing well and are adjusting and settling in....but then we see these signs that they have bigger issues underlining.

Take my niece for instance. She has lived with me most of her life...and she is 8. She and I are very close....spend alot of time together and we are very loving; hugs/kisses/ carrying her, sitting on my lap etc.

I thought everything was going great...until I heard her call someone/almost a stranger, Mommy. Then I noticed her hugging teachers and daycare people and running and jumping in other peoples arms and telling them that she loves them.

And I began to question her attachment to me. Was/is she really attached to me....if she is...is it a healthy attachment?...is it conditional?? what???

She was in a very abusive and neglectful home during the most critical stages of developemnt....birth to 2yrs. She would stay alot of that time with me....but would always go home for a few days and then back to me. She didn't form a healthy bond with her mother and was i guess was afraid to bond to me because she couldn't trust that it would stay. I think that is her continued issue today...she can't trust that her healthy bond/attachment to me today, will continue...as permanency hasn't been established yet.

These kids don't trust....don't know who will be there for them long term....no matter what people tell them....because they learned early on that they coudn't trust that their needs would be met.

I would guess that your niece is having similar issues as mine. She definitely needs attachment therapy. So does mine...but we can't give it to her yet until we know for sure what is happening with our case.

Love on her to no end....reparent her...is what I've been told to do. Spend as much one on one time with her as you can.

Take Care
Kristin

[pogonorms]

My bio 5 1/2 yr old son has been telling me he loves me a lot since my FD left 2 weeks ago. Not to the point of annoyance but at least 2 or 3 times a day.

I think he does it when he's happiest. Happy we're watching a movie together, happy that I allowed him an ice cream sandwich.

Maybe she's just happy?