[excited2adoptsoon]

My 3 yr old FD was told she had to call her mom twice a week. I have called the biomom at a certain time, twice weekly for a long time now and I honestly think it's a waste of time. She has a 5 hour visit weekly, so the phone call doesn't mean much. The SW's never asked me how the calls are going ....or even if they are going. Biomom has not answered the last two calls. Does this matter? Or are phone calls a very tiny thing that the SW's don't really care about? I am totally FOR RU overall, but I don't see the calls being beneficial for my FD nor her mom. It's just an inconvenience that we all have to make sure we are home at a certain time twice a week for annoying TWO minute phone call!

[LibbyHawkins]

I think if I were a parent and only saw my child once a week, I would be very appreciative of the chance to speak to them on the phone, I would want daily.

However, that is me, apparently not as important to your kids Mom.

[Natnclay]

We have DAILY phone calss and I hate them!!!
And, we have one with each parent- parents that do not know how to carry on a conversation with a 4 year old, so of course I do all the prompting. The parents are very insecure, so of course they act weird about anything she is excited about that has to do with being here, which at this point is her whole life!

Yes, and I hate that WE have to drop whatever we are doing every day when the clock strikes, but they can choose to be available or not- which is about 50/50 for us right now.

Be careful. We stopped phone calls because parents were calling us back, which they were told NOT to do. So, it was their doing that ended the calls. Then, a few weeks later my husband went to court and the laywers are screaming about how the foster parents aren't following through with COURT ORDERED phone calls!!! Hello! Our social worker didn't tell us that! She said it was ok to stop. So, now we call every day without fail.

My husband was so mad. Who is there to stick up for us and tell the real story? Nobody!

My advice- keep calling. You don't really have a choice if it is court ordered.

The worst part is that my girls never ask to call, didn't notice when we stopped calling, BUT when I tell them we are going to call and then bios aren't home, they are sad. Also, sometimes we are doing something fun. Like a few times we have called from the pool. So, after a few minutes the girls are like, "I am done!" Hey, I am not going to stop our whole day to go home and make a 10 minute phone call. I used to start worrying about what we were doing, how the girls were feeling, etc. Now, we call at the time. If one of them is asleep, oh well. If they are distracted, oh well. I feel like it gives the bios a realistic view of what our days are really like and that the girls are not waiting on pins and needles to talk to them everyday, never cry on the phone, and don't tell them they want to go home. Which, IMO, should be a red flag that there is something seriously wrong!

Ugh, sorry for the vent. But, i hate calls. Maybe for older kids it works, but not for our little ones.

[Gryph]

For kids that young, I would agree that it's a waste of time. For our teenagers, it's important. The part that gets me is the collect calls from prison. Sometimes it's over $100 per month and no one is interested in reimbursing us, not agency nor prison. This contrary to the mission statements of both and places us in a very difficult position. What makes it even worse, because we have kids with out-of-state conenctions, we have unlimited long distance service. Yet, we have to pay when a parent is in jail 2 miles from here.

[Natnclay]

Originally Posted by Gryph

For kids that young, I would agree that it's a waste of time. For our teenagers, it's important. The part that gets me is the collect calls from prison. Sometimes it's over $100 per month and no one is interested in reimbursing us, not agency nor prison. This contrary to the mission statements of both and places us in a very difficult position. What makes it even worse, because we have kids with out-of-state conenctions, we have unlimited long distance service. Yet, we have to pay when a parent is in jail 2 miles from here.

That is absurd. I also hate using up my cell phone minutes, and I hate that the bios have our phone number, which is supposedly not allowed here. If we are supposed to do phone calls, I think the state should give us a disposable phone and the bios in prison a calling card!
They think because they pay us slave wages that we should be thrilled to spend money on whatever is needed.

[eomaia]

I'm a bio, and I would love to be able to talk to my kids on the phone.

Actually, I talked to their new foster mother, "Aunt D", and she suggested having a good night phone call. My daughter is only 2, and my son is 5 but has a verbal delay, so it wouldn't be a long conversation, maybe just reading a book together (I have their favorites memorized) or something like that.

A friend of mine is divorced, and while he only sees his kids every other weekend, he does talk to them on the phone every night, which helps him stay involved in their lives.

[stevenstwin]

I think it is probably like visits or anything else. If you've got committed, involved bios headed for RU and willing to put in some effort, it can be really good for all. BUT if you have bios that are inappropriate, unavailable or just not interested it is an aggravating waste of our time, and possibly even hurtful for the kids. I know when I'm away from home on business I do call every night to say good night to my kids though..and my fs when he's away from home (and even right now when he isn't even my fs anymore!) phones every night.

[Natnclay]

Originally Posted by eomaia

I'm a bio, and I would love to be able to talk to my kids on the phone.

Actually, I talked to their new foster mother, "Aunt D", and she suggested having a good night phone call. My daughter is only 2, and my son is 5 but has a verbal delay, so it wouldn't be a long conversation, maybe just reading a book together (I have their favorites memorized) or something like that.

A friend of mine is divorced, and while he only sees his kids every other weekend, he does talk to them on the phone every night, which helps him stay involved in their lives.

Maybe that would be ok with your kids, but as a foster parent, I would NOT like to have phone calls right before bed. It could be upsetting, disturbing, etc. and prevent the kids from going to sleep.
Then again, my girls really have no emotion before or after the calls, so maybe for them it would be fine.
After a week of calling, one of the girls now whines and cries when it is time to call her mom because she hates sitting there talking to a woman she hasn't lived with in almost a year. Then mom wonders why she isn't excited to talk to her.

[stevenstwin]

Another thought on calls, in situations where they ARE beneficial and where this is possible. This is a little different, but could apply. My FS is supposed to have weekly phone calls with his siblings, but they are only 2 and 3 and not good on the phone, and can't seem to really connect "who it is". So we started doing them on MSN instead - with a web cam. That way they can see each other while they talk, and it seems to really help the little ones. Mind you, they still get bored and distracted and wander off, which really upsets my FS who is on pins and needles all week waiting for "his hour" (come on - a toddler talk to someone who isn't in the same room as him for an hour??), but not as quickly as when it is just a phone call.

[Hadley2]

After taking calls for a really long time, I have a lot of tips. It's pretty late, so, I'm not trying to be bossy or abrupt, but I'll just list them

1. Neither the court nor the ss agency can force you to make or accept calls in your home. They also cannot force you to supervise calls if you do accept them. You can only be ordered to make the child available for calls. If it is unacceptable to you for any reason to have phone contact with the parents--especially if it is not safe and I do not consider prison calls safe--you can and should, for everyone's sake, insist that the agency do its job and facilitate visitation even if it means bringing the child in as if for a face-to-face.

2. Even if you accept phone contact, you do not have to supervise it, you can insist the agency be the gatekeeper. In our case, this happened a few times. The agency scheduled a time for the parents to go in and call from the agency office on speaker or with the cw listening in. For obvious reasons, this is much healthier for your relationship to the child. It does, however, mean giving up knowledge of the content of the calls and whatever control you feel you have over them now.

3. If you do agree to supervise calls, get the agency to write up guidelines as to what is and isn't appropriate conversation. The guidelines should state clearly that you have the authority and responsibility to terminate any call that is inappropriate, that the child declines, or that you believe is causing the child distress.

4. The parents should be doing the calling, not you! ESPECIALLY this is NOT the child's responsibility! Shame shame shame on whoever put that on the child! A cw that would do that should be fired. At the least, the cw's supervisor, director, GAL, CASA and judge should be made aware of this ridiculous and damaging demand. It is TOTALLY backward! I would be howling to the universe on that one.

Visitation and regular contact is a part of the parents' case plan, their responsibility. Just as neither you nor the child are responsible for their therapy, substance abuse counseling, medical care, or any other part of their case plan, you cannot be made responsible for their visitation and contact.

You absolutely should not be paying for it, either, regardless of whether you are reimbursed fairly and timely, no one can order you to pay for the parents' phone calls. If they must call collect, then have them call the ss office--at most, make the child available there or ask for a driver to bring the child to the office for calls. The state cannot order you to loan the state money.

5. Never force a child to make or accept a call. Keep the phone speaker open so that if the child resists, the parents (and, hopefully, the cw as she should be on the line also) can hear it.

6. Politely terminate any call that is inappropriate, that the child declines, or that is causing the child real distress. Break in, state the reason in short, simple terms, calmly, then hang up whether they are answering you or not. Do not discuss, do not argue--it will only escalate and/or come back to bite you. Let the cw sort it out with them later.

7. All calls should be scheduled for a specific date and time. If the parents' preferred time conflicts with the child's schedule, especially if it conflicts with a necessary thing like a regular therapy appt., etc., and they are not willing to adjust, let the cw know.

8. Keep a record of all calls scheduled and missed by date, time, and length. Write a factual summary of the content of the conversation. Document anything inappropriate or any signs of parental impairment. Document if the child refuses the call or if you have to terminate it and why. Try to jot down direct quotes of inappropriate remarks if possible.

Likewise, document any other contacts with the parents--letters, notes, packages, gifts, contacts directly with you (that is, if they are calling to talk to you and not the child or starting up a dispute with you, etc.).

Keep your original handwritten notes in a safe place--they may be all that is admissable in court if it comes to it. Submit a clean, typed copy with your monthly report to the cw, GAL, and prosecutor.

As one of the pp said, a case going well toward RU poses fewer problems with this kind of duty. One that is problematic can open your family to serious risk and do real harm to the child. There is a big difference between supporting RU and enabling the parents and/or getting enmeshed in their problems. Sometimes overworked cws looking for help to get the job done forget that.

[akcskye]

If it's part of the plan, though it seems useless to you...do it.

Otherwise, birth mom could use the lack of doing it against you later (such as a TPR appeal if the case went that way), and if you were ever "in the running" to adopt your FD...that wouldn't be a good thing.

Just my .02

Originally Posted by excited2adoptsoon

My 3 yr old FD was told she had to call her mom twice a week. I have called the biomom at a certain time, twice weekly for a long time now and I honestly think it's a waste of time. She has a 5 hour visit weekly, so the phone call doesn't mean much. The SW's never asked me how the calls are going ....or even if they are going. Biomom has not answered the last two calls. Does this matter? Or are phone calls a very tiny thing that the SW's don't really care about? I am totally FOR RU overall, but I don't see the calls being beneficial for my FD nor her mom. It's just an inconvenience that we all have to make sure we are home at a certain time twice a week for annoying TWO minute phone call!