[teacher2mommy]

I am sooooo frustrated and ticked off right now. Last week I dropped the kids off for thier two hour supervised visit and I guess the kids told the bio parents that they didn't brush their teeth that day, which was untrue. The bios called the worker and told her we were not tending to their needs. So then today when I dropped them off again the 3yo had two bug bites on her neck. I treated them with meds of course. And again the bio parents called the worker and complained again that we were not properly providing care for this kids.
I am just so upset. These parents couldn't take care of their children which is why they are with me and they have the nerve to complain about me!

[pogonorms]

It's a control thing. Pay no attention.

[fostermomintx]

teacher2mommy,

I feel your pain

I went to a PPT meeting for my foster son who has been with me for 2.5 months and met the parents. I wish I hadn't gone. The father ripped into me for bug bites on the baby, but of course the fact that the baby tested positive for methamphetamine when he was removed I guess is not as important as a few mosquito bites. I asked if I could say something and proceeded to defend myself...it was getting quite heated when the moderator changed the subject.

I left there wanting to strangle this jerk and I wish I could have told him what I was really thinking. This guy is in such denial about his illegal and immoral activities that he was trying to lay blame on everyone except himself. I don't think he made too many friends with his attitude about the situation that day. Very much blaming all in the room...

It is frustrating but you just have to shrug it off otherwise you'll drive yourself crazy...

Hang in there...

[MrsD]

One of the things our social worker told us was to be prepared for these types of accusations. First, some of the parents seem to think that if the foster family can't take "proper" care of the kids, the kids will be returned home. Of course, we know this isn't true, but many of them are living in their own reality. Second, as somebody else said, it's about control, and projection. They are trying to "minimize" what they did wrong by calling attention to things they think you are doing wrong.

Know, in your heart, that you are helping these kids. The social workers know what is a real accusation and what is a desperate attempt by parents to make the foster family look bad.

[teacher2mommy]

Thank you everyone. I know that the worker will know what is real and what is not but it is still so frustrating for these parents to be telling me what I am doing wrong when I am the one that is taking care of their children because the can't or won't.

[StephanieMB]

I know what you mean... I've been a mom for almost 14 years and have taken care of babies for years before that. The very first visit after i got my two fs, the birthmom complained that I couldn't diaper properly!

My first thought was, "Really! How would she know?? Her kids' butts are blistered, so she obviously hasn't changed diapers too often!"

My cw told me to ignore it, that foster moms can't do much to please most birthmom's.

[la vida loca]

Ugh...I went through that a few months ago. When the social worker took over the transportation duties and the parents stopped seeing me at the visits the complaints stopped. Their complaints were beyond bizarre and completely unfounded. It was very frustrating.

[Boulderbabe]

It's TOTALLY a control thing. Try to ignore it as best you can. Have you spent any time chatting with the bfamily and making nice? Sometimes a few minutes spent doing that can really change the dynamic.

[teacher2mommy]

Yep, I sure have spent time chit chatting with them trying to be nice. I inform them of things when they happend etc. There really is no reason, I think MrsD might be right that they think if they complain enough about foster parents they might get the children back.

[mijojosmom]

From your other posts I gather that the bios are close to permanency and probable TPR. They are grasping at straws and DHS is unlikely to care much about their tiny little complaints.

Hang in there!

[eomaia]

It's tempting. We've had every move we make and everything we say analyzed, frequently by people who seem to be trying to find something wrong. While we know that parenting is tough, there are going to be some nicks and scratches along the way no matter how great a parent is, we haven't gotten much understanding or compassion, which is why I think many bios are unwilling to give any understanding or compassion.

Monday night, my kids' foster caregiver "C" was making dinner, and opened the pantry door. Somehow, L's finger got caught in the door. She was taken to the ER, but there were no broken bones and she didn't need stitches. It obviously hurts a LOT (it's painful to look at) and I'm pretty sure the nail will fall off eventually.

I know it wasn't intentional, and that she did everything she could for L. If it happened when I was taking care of her, I'd feel horrible about it, and I assume that C must feel the same way. I know it could have happened to anyone, it was an accident.

My husband is upset about it- his baby got hurt, and he wants to blame someone. Sure, it could have happened to anyone, but nothing EVER happened to L that required a trip to the emergency room when she was in our care, and she's had 2 accidents resulting in gory wounds while in foster care. He feels that if he was there to protect her, his baby would not have gotten hurt. He's angry that he's not being allowed to protect her, and has to project that anger at someone.

I understand, but I know being angry and placing blame isn't going to fix anything. If I want to receive compassion and understanding from others, I have to be willing to be understanding as well. So, I try not to be judgemental and try not to assume the worst, and hope that eventually someone will do the same for me.

[Boulderbabe]

I hate to say it, but if your husband wants the kids back, he'll keep his thoughts about the foster parents to himself. An angry respondent parent is a parent who gets to spend another six months in the system...

[HappyMommy106]

Originally Posted by eomaia

He feels that if he was there to protect her, his baby would not have gotten hurt. He's angry that he's not being allowed to protect her, and has to project that anger at someone.

Is your DC in foster care because of something you did and not DH? How come she did not remain in his care? Sorry I am new and your post confused me.


Teacher2mommy, sorry you are in that position. I can imagine if you are close to TPR things would indeed get more confrontational. Hang in there.

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by StephanieMB

I know what you mean... I've been a mom for almost 14 years and have taken care of babies for years before that. The very first visit after i got my two fs, the birthmom complained that I couldn't diaper properly!

My first thought was, "Really! How would she know?? Her kids' butts are blistered, so she obviously hasn't changed diapers too often!"

My cw told me to ignore it, that foster moms can't do much to please most birthmom's.

With my infant placement, it was summer time & really hot. The baby did better with room temperature formula. Her stomach was really sensitive. If formula was too warm or if she was bounced around too much after eating, she would throw it up. Through trial & error we came up with a pretty good system. But at the visit, the Birth Mom said "It's too cold. You can't give her cold formula". I explained it wasn't "cold" and if it's heated she'll get sick. The birthmom was acting like I was the most stupid person she ever laid eyes on. She had the social worker heat the bottle-and the little Angel vomited it all over. Then the birthmom tried to tell me the baby was sick. I explained again about her sensitive stomach and how the hot formula upsets her-but the birthmom didn't want to hear about it. She believed the baby threw up because she was ill. Sheesh.

[professor70]

to just try to ignore the complaining. I needed to hear that today. It's so tempting after every petty complaint to respond with my own complaints like both little guys coming back dirty and in wet/soiled diapers every week. I know the complaining is a control thing on bio part but it gets to me everytime. especially when I go out of my way to send them off looking special just for her and I get no thanks (which I don't expect) but a complaint about something everytime.