[Sunshinemom]

Good morning. I am in need of advice from all you wise moms and dads out there! My husband and I are in the process of adopting a 2 1/2 year old through our county foster care system. He's been with us since January and I'm at a loss as to how to deal with some of his behavior. We're also raising our three biological sons but he has a much different personality as they did, therefore exhibits behavior we're not accostomed to.

A little background on him. He's been in foster care since birth but was blessed to be in one loving foster home. He was the only child of this foster mom and she loved him as his own...which may be some of the problem since there seems to have been little structure, discipline and boundaries...but lots of love, attention and praise.

He gets easily frustrated and displays his frustration by hitting or kicking anyone who is nearby at the time. If one of his brothers is no where near to lash out at, he will approach the dogs and hit or kick them. It's difficult as his brothers don't understand why he hurts them and really don't appreciate being hit all the time and I can't be watching him every moment of the day. The other day we were having a picnic and it was time to eat. I sat him on the blanket with the others and he still wanted to play ball, so he slapped the closest child to him. If he bumps into something and falls down, he immediately stands up and begins hitting the couch or whatever he bumped into.

He also is distructive if he doesnt' get his way. An example is this morning. He had eaten his breakfast and I was feeding our 5 year old who had slept late. The 2 1/2 year old wanted his older brothers food and when I explained it was not for him, he immediately threw the newpaper from the table at his brother. I removed him from the situation, put him in his room to calm down, and he immediately began to trash his room.

With my older boys using time outs was our way of handling behavioral concerns, but they weren't destructive when left alone. We're at a loss and I'm looking for advice on techniques that might work, or books that I might read. I've spoken to his Social Worker, but he doesnt' seem to have any advice. He says "just keep doing what your doing".

Any help would be appreciated. He's a wonderful little boy, but it's such a struggle dealing with his frustration, anger and physical outbursts....Help!

[Natnclay]

I am not experienced with it, but doesn't this sound like possible RAD?
Anyone?

[shycar]

LOL sorry I have to laugh becouse you just described my dearling daughter. No she does not have RAD. I have had her since birth. She is just very headstrong. When she is angry she will strike out to anyone that is near, including the dog. She will also throw things, anything that is near will be thrown. I think some of his behavior is normal for his age. Some of it, not all. Many kids at this age get frustrated becouse they can not explain how they feel or what they want-so they strike out or have a tantrum to show you he does not like what just happened. My son had the tantrums at age 3. Boy were they bad. My daughter has tantrums and hit and kicks and bites. What has helped is asking questions. Example when your son came to eat and he wanted some of his. I would have asked-Are you still hungry? Do you want some more on your own plate? Or do you want to go play? That way he has help in explaining what he wants. My daughter has been doing good with this. Plus I also let her choose. I take out two different cereal and ask which do you want and she chooses, sure everyone chooses different cereal, but they feel good by choosing what their eating. My daughter also thinks she is grown up and get frustrated when we dont let her do things she wants. Just keep it up. It will get better.

Plus also you said he was in a loving home all his life. He is probably very angry and cofused and sad that he no longer live there. He was a only child. He did not have to share his toys or the attetion of his foster parents. All of sudden he is taken from the people he loves, to a home with strangers, with different rules and he now has to not only share toys, but also the attetion of his new parents. That is a lot for a small child to take in and to understand. He probably can not express himself how he feels, he probably does not understand how he feels-so he acts out. Some children take longer to adjust then other children. I have had kids in two months they are fine and some that took almost a year before they adjusted. I would also start using time ins instead of time outs with him. I do this with my daughter. She has to sit with me for a few minutes. No playing, no talking just stay with me, it keeps her more calm and can not destroy my house while she is upset. Then i always explain why she is either in time in or in time out. I think your are doing good it just takes time for this little guy to adjust. His age is a tough age and I think you are doing good. Good luck.

[scandi]

I agree with shycar - I would be he is one angry little boy and because of his age is not able to verbalize it. I would add - (and to say with my own who was placed at 4 after in the same home for 3 years) that it is ok to miss "grandma...." she is happy that you are in a forever home. Is it possible for there to be some contact with the foster mom. My youngest disrupted a placement at age 2 1/2 for these same behaviors and his screaming fits because he wanted to be with "grandma..." since he has been at my home we have had phone calls, letters and I have emailed her many many times to check info etc. That has really helped him because "grandma..." reiterates that she is happy that he has a forever family.

just my experiences.

[Boulderbabe]

It doesn't sound like RAD to me. It sounds like a headstrong two year old. Keep sending him to time-out (maybe in a special chair with nothing else around, in a place you can see him). Every single time he hits, bam, time-out. Eventually, it works. I say this from experience, since my son was a hitter/kicker/biter at that age!!

[Becki_in_IN]

My eldest had problems with this as well. Reading the book, Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka was such a sanity saver for me. I no longer felt like a bad mom. I'd also recommend Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster Cline and Jim Fay. That book talks a lot about giving kid's choices and not taking it personally. Hang in there. It will get better.

[sprunger1]

Hi all. I just wanted to put two cents in to jump over to the attachment board. Because RAD has a wide spectrum of severity, I wouldn't rule it out. What harm is there in looking into it? It's not labeling your child, it's being prepared and proactive.

RAD can happen even if your child is young, even if he was in the same foster home since birth, even if that person loved him bunches. My understanding is that many of these things come from inception, while the helpless little thing is still forming it's brain. What do you know about bio mom? bio dad? what genetics are at play here? There are lots of variables and I would just recommend to you to keep an eye open. Even with our pre adoptive placement many people chalked his behaviors up to boy stuff... NOT! Once I got the assistance we needed, the therapist and social worker alike both agreed that this child was no longer even a candidate for adoption because his behaviors are so intense (Anger management being the big thing).

I'm not trying to scare you. I just think you'd get some great information on the special needs and attachment board. Last forum is attachment and bonding. Also check out radzebra.org

Good luck to you!

[tvs4]

I think he is acting out what he can't verbalize. Kids that age do hit when frustrated and he is probably experiencing all types of frustration that he can't even understand. I'd keep up immediately removing him from situations where he hits,kicks, etc. And calming say "we don't hit, or kick or whatever" and put him in time out. With our FS who was 2 we put him in time out in a high chair - so he couldn't be distructive, and we could see him. We set the time out timer for 2 min and during that time would not talk to him until time out was over and then we'd calmly discuss why he was in time out in an easy way like "you were in time out because you hit. We do not hit anyone." then reassure that you still love him maybe give a hug and make him appologise to the person who was hurt.

You might want to tackle one behavior at a time. Like hitting/smacking/kicking another person rather than trying to also include, thowing things or hitting things, just so you can get it clear in his head that hitting people is NOT acceptable. Then you can move onto the next behaivor. It is frustrataing with toddlers but being consistant and making the expectations clear - we don't hit people - ever - will help.

[tinatyme]

I agree. He sounds like a normal 2-3 year old that is dealing with a lot of change and unsure how to express this. My daughter (who has been with me since birth) is exhibiting some of these behaviors as well - hitting and throwing mainly. She has thrown things when she is angry since she first began to walk. I have no idea where she learned it since I'm not a thrower but some days we spend A LOT of time in time out or time in. I like 1 2 3 magic although it takes a lot of consistency and for you as the parent to stay on the ball even in public places.

Also, I would try to avoid comparing him to your other children; not because he is a foster child but because he is a different child. My children all have very different personalities and the techniques that work for one don't always work for the other. I have found myself going to compare them - M always goes to bed so easily why can't L - and then I stop myself because I don't want that to translate to my children and affect their self image.

Tina

[GingerR]

It sounds like you are doing everything you can, and should. Being consistent is SO much easier said than done, but so important. It's the only thing that works long-term, and sometimes it takes a long, long time to start seeing the positive changes. Since destruction of his room during time-out is a factor, I would move time-out to where you can watch him, and have nothing within arm's reach. A chair in the middle of the room would probably be best for a child like this, and believe me, he will hate it which eventually will change his behavior.

Our now 2 1/2 year-old daughter came to us when she was almost 8 months, and has been headstrong from the word go. At that age, I was already constantly having to tell her no, and when she didn't get her way, she would burst into tears, kick, scream, point her finger at you and tell you off in the worst baby language you've ever heard. She still gets highly frustrated but I've noticed it's getting better as her communication skills improve.

On the complete flip side is our now 11 month-old fs whom we've had since birth. He is the most laid back, easygoing little guy you've ever seen. Same parents. Same house. Just a whole different kind of internal wiring.

Your soon-to-be-adopted son sounds very intelligent (and as you said, a bit spoiled) and that probably makes this sudden change in his life even harder for him to deal with. Hang in there, grab his hands when he attempts or succeeds at striking someone or something, give him a firm NO, time out, and make him apologize (even if it's to the dog or the chair). He may always have that temper, but he WILL learn to control it with your gentle but firm guidance. Good luck in your adoption!

Ginger

[Sunshinemom]

THank you all so much for your thoughtful replies. It's great to hear that others have struggled as we are and have "survived". Many of you have mentioned his difficulty in verbalizing his emotions, and my husband and I both believe that this is a large part of his frustration. He is delayed in his speech and we've just completed his speech evaluation and are waiting to get him into therapy. We know this is probably a huge factor.

I think I'll have to find a good chair for him for time out. I'm thinking I like the idea of the high chair, he can't escape or destroy anything!

Tina, you are so right to caution against comparing him to his brothers. I'll have to be careful not to do that.

We do have a good relationship with his foster mom. Our social worker did not want us to visit with her for the first few months, but since then we've seen her a few times and have sent many pictures.

Thanks to all who gave book suggestions. I'll have to look into those. I'll also check out the attachment boards, I'm sure I'll get alot of great information there as well.

Again, thanks so much. I always learn alot from all of you here! I'm hoping I'll look back in a year or so and all these tantrums will be a distant memory!