[expecting]

My husband and I are foster parents -- we are going to meet an 11 year old boy (who is in a town about 2 hours away) who can be adopted. This is a different situation for us b/c we are going to only have about a 1 to 2 hour first meeting in the town he lives. His social worker wants us to meet at McDonald's since there is a place for him to play, his case manager will be there also.

I am so nervous, my husband is definitely more calm, but has anyone had this situation? He knows that we are interested in adopting him, but I am so worried that it will be awkward. Plus, I know nothing about 11-year old boys!

Any advice from someone who has been through this is appreciated!!!

[mrsred]

Wow, that is a quick visit. Have you thought about taking a small gift for him? When we first met our now adopted son, I took a small gift as an ice breaker. I have an 11 year old son, and he LOVES Bionicles. You can buy them at Target or Walmart for well under $10. If the meeting doesn't go well, at least the kid will have a new toy. the thing with McDonald's, most of their playgrounds are geared for younger children, some even have height limits that my 11 yr old is now passed. Also, if he is out playing on their big toy thing you will not really get a chance to interract, just observe. If you give him a bionicle (or some other toy thing that needs to be assembled) he can sit at the table with you and assemble it. Your husband can help him out a bit with it... or even have him show your dh how it goes together. While he is working on it conversation will flow easily because he will be focussed on the toy rather than being nervous about giving the "right" answer. If he doesn't get it built all the way he can take it and complete it later, but usually my sons (even the 7 yr old) can complete them in less than an hour or so.
As far as the conversation, keep it light. Ask him about school, what subjects he likes. Ask him about what sports he likes, what games he likes, etc. Give him a chance to ask you questions too.
Good luck! I am sure this is very exciting for you! Eleven is a fun, challenging age. Believe me, I know, I have two. 11 yr old bio son, and 11 yr old adopted daughter.

[expecting]

That is a great idea! It was the social workers choice to go to McDonalds, so I am glad that you realized he might be too big for everything. And I agreed with you about him playing and we wouldn't be able to talk...my husband and I just could not come up with a better solution! I am definitely going to go to Target and get what you said.

[Mkuhlmann06]

The same situation happened to us! We went for our interview and then they called us and asked if we wanted to meet him at the local McDs for our first visit. The McDs we went to has a game station that had about 4 or 5 tvs with remotes (some xbox, some ps2), etc so we were able to play some video games with him. Also, try bringing UNO. Its a simple card game that anyone can play while you are sitting there after eating. We were also told to bring in our scrapbook of our home...so he could ask us questions about the pics and things in there.

Our visit was almost 2 hours. It was nerve wracking for him and for us when he first walked in the door. I just walked up to him, introduced myself as Michelle and then my hubby by his name. I looked at him and said "what a crazy day huh?" he nodded yes. I told him I don't know about you, but Im nervous. He cracked a smile and laughed. From there we went to check out the play room then onto getting a meal. Our worker was there and so were 2 of his. So we just asked him questions about his favorite things and he asked us about the stuff in the book.

(BTW, he's about 1 to 1 1/2hrs away from us...so we felt out of place b/c we didn't know the area at all).

Good luck and let us know how it goes!!

[sprunger1]

I have sent you a private message and would be happy to chat with you further.
In short..Visit the Special Needs and Attachment boards!

[expecting]

Thank you for the suggestions! It went very well and we are going to have a 'day' visit this weekend!

[Boulderbabe]

So, tell us all the details! Do you like him? How did he take the visit? Does it seem like he's going to be a good fit for your family?

(I'm so nosy! Ignore me if you don't want to share. I just love happy stories like this, though.)

[momagain5]

hi,can you ask his caseworker what his interest are?we found out d likes volcanoes ,so we bought a few small books about them,on his reading level,and gave them to him on our first visit.they were a big hit,we also took him a copy of our profile which had pictures of us,family,pets home etc.our first meeting took place in his therapist office,and we all played a board game together.

[AmyAnne]

I would recommend bringing a game such as Uno or a deck of cards. If all else fails, you can engage in such a game fairly easily and even involve the CW.

Our first meeting with our son was at a Burger King. He was 7 years old and it was the same situation, only 2 hours.

[mrsred]

I am happy things went so well and you are moving toward longer visits! I have two 11 year olds, one boy, one girl, one bio, one adopted. They are both into dragons, Ben 10, Bionicles, Pokemon and Yu Go Oh. Any of those topics would lead to a long discussion with either of my kids. doesn't matter if you know nothing about it, because they would love to explain it all to you!
Good luck, and keep us posted.

[expecting]

Ooooo...I am so happy that you asked, Boulderbabe!!! Well, it was at McDonalds for about an hour and a half...so with 4 adults staring him down (he is 11), it was a little nerve-wracking and awkward at first! But after a while he really got going talking about video games with my husband...that was a common topic for them.

Well, he was just too cute too! He is living with a much older couple right now and I am not really sure who dressed him that day! He had on denim shorts that came up to his neck almost...with his polo shirt tucked in. His hair had been slicked to the side and must have been gelled b/c it did not move once. He was just too cute.

The SW told us he liked Harry Potter, so we bought him the Harry Potter Jelly Beans...do y'all know what I am talking about? Some flavors are: vomit, boogers, beeswax, earwax, soap, & sausage. And they are nasty!!! That helped a little to break the ice with him.

We think that since it will be more relaxed this Saturday, it will go a little bit smoother. We plan on taking him to the Harry Potter movie, he got excited about that, and then maybe swim in the pool. When talking about the video games, he did say "When I move in with you guys..." and it was hard to not get excited and read into things. But that was pretty much it! I really appreciate everyone's suggestions! My next posting will probably be on what 11 year old boys like...as far as bedrooms, clothes, toys, etc. Sorry for the novel!

[psu4ever]

That sounds awesome. Congratulations on a good first visit. I can't even imagine how excited you must be. Good luck!

[Sissy22]

He sounds like a neat kid good luck with the next visit !

[pogonorms]

OMG how exciting!!!!!! Keep us updated!

[Boulderbabe]

That is so awesome! I'm glad you had a good time and that you're establishing some common ground.

One word of caution: be a little careful about making things TOO fun in the beginning. Sometimes the "Disneyland" syndrome can set in, and all the stimulation gets really overwhelming for kids. Other times, it just gives them an unrealistic expectation about what family life is like. (Unless you go do fabulous and fun things all the time, LOL! At my house, fun things are like twice or three times a week, interspersed with a lot of housecleaning and laundry....)

I hope he fits in well with you and that the three of you are really happy together! I just love hearing about kids finding their forever families. It makes everything SOOOOO worth it!