[vesw01]

I am a huge supportor of RU and if the parents had gotten it together I would be there every step of the way cheering them on - many of you know that I did all that I could to support this family. Dad is set to go to jail for a month (they reduced it), get out and have the kids back (they will be returned while he is gone after 3 hours of unsup visits) and then he faces two more felonies (the jury trial is 4 days after he gets out) - all of which he got the night before the last court hearing for the girls.

Mom has no DL and a new baby. No support system not required to go to AA and has no job, no way to go grocery shopping etc.

These people are not ready for the girls back yet <sigh>

I cry EVERYTIME I think about it. I am having a really hard time controling my emotions. The first unsup was yesterday. Just for about 30 minutes prior to a counseling appt, they ate outside the office and went to the park across the street. I thought I was going to faint. This is the guy who three months ago threatened to kidnap the girls. The agency tells me that now he is on Lithium and that solves EVERYTHING - the biolar, the alcholoism (sp), the drugs, domestic violence, the drinking and driving, the no license...you name it - I guess I need some of that drug too.

For all of you who have RU, please help....I need some words of kindness.

How do I say good-bye. What should my last words to them be? Do I drop them off? I could if I wanted to. What should I give them to say good-bye to remember us?

I am so lost and no one understands...I just want them to be safe and I am so scared for them. Poor K is going to have to be Mom again at 4 years old and now have to take care of Mom, A and the new baby.

This isn't about us keeping them - we never made that decision - we never really discussed it - our goal was to make this family healthy. They aren't healthy.

Dad is a master manipulator and this is all about HA HA I played the system and got them back. Mom has even told me (she and I used to talk everyday, she cut off contact about a month ago) that he never spent anytime with them and at visits he goes into another room because he doesn't like to be watched. K tells me that he goes to a neighbors house to talk when she is there.

Anyway, they still need the judges permission to return the girls, I am going to file for intervenor status, I don't need to have an attorney - I am just going to file and tell the judge what has happened and how quickly. I am going to call the parents to the stand (dad will be in jail at this point) and ask them about the girls doctors who they are, what meds they are on, etc....see what they know (nothing) and try to show they judge that they do not even have enough for basic parenting. I am also going to call the CW to show that Dad only had very limiting unsup before the girls went home, no afternoons, no everninig and no overnights...


I still need to stop crying........help.....

[balletmum]

((((HUGS))))
Please don't feel alone in this difficult time. I'm sure we can all emphasise with your heartache and send love and prayers your way.
Your FCs are so blessed to have such a "feisty" Foster Mum on their side!!
Keep your chin up!

[gabbles1]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I can only imagine how you are feeling right now. Just know that we are here for you.

[mommyto9]

IMO...do what you have to do to protect the children. That's why we're called to be foster parents. Sending prayers and hugs your way.....

[teacher2mommy]

Good for you. So many foster parents just lay down and take it cause that is what the worker wants to do. Someone has to fight for these children. Do they have a Guardian at Litum (GAL)? This may be a very good person to align yourself with.

[devildogwife]

Oh wow. Sending prayers your way too.

[emcal]

I thought that the week I found out that our kids were going home, was just about as bad as losing our baby. No one is going to understand, not enen your husband. your love is yours given from your heart to those children. just rember to be patient with every one around you and let them know you need not be judged and to let you be. My mom tried to give me her mind medicine. during the time when they were at weekend visits I put together a scrapbook. and I bought a baby photo album with pictures in it. they have been gone 19 days now. the hardest time is bed time I miss going by each room knowing they are safe and home. our house is empty, and quiet. at first I didnt know if I wanted to move forward with foster/ adoption. time is moving forward and so are my thought. I do think we will foster again, Maybe not 4 at one time, but again. God will guide your family, we all know that.

[skirbo]

Don't panic. If you are just starting unsupervised visitation, nothing is written in stone. The goal is just that-a goal. There are still hoops for them to jump through before the kids can actually go home.

I understand that this is really, really scary. Just because they've set a date doesn't mean they'll keep going forward with the plan if the visits aren't working out.

Try to keep a positive outlook about it and keep venting away.

Hugs,
Sarah

[tlmerrie]

Have you thought about having an attorney with you when you go to court? I don't think that I could control myself emotionally well enough to handle that.

We had to give our little one back when she was thirteen weeks old. She's our niece, and it took two and a half years to get her back again. It was so painful. She was just a baby, and couldn't understand what I was saying, but I told her that I would love her even while we were separated, and that we would still be there; waiting for her and wanting her. I told her that I would love her forever even if she never saw me again. We didn't have much time before we had to hand her back. The SW at the court was cruel. We had someone with us to help with the handoff, but it was awful. If we hadn't had someone I don't think we could have done it. I'm not sure I could be present for something like that again. It's like taking your child to the executioner, and then trying to not do something that will land you in jail.

This wouldn't have happened I don't think if we had known about the bio mom's smothering attempt on her first child. I fantasize frequently still about contacting that SW with a copy of the mother's file once our adoption is completely final. I know that's wrong. But she didn't like us because we are lesbians, and made that very clear.

I don't understand why SW's and courts make the decisions that they do. I really don't.

I'll be praying hard for you.

Amy

[Hadley2]

I'm so sorry this seems to be going forward. But Skirbo is right, take heart, there may be time for things to change.

If you do speak in court, you will not be allowed to call the parents as witnesses against themselves. That won't happen. Whatever you tell the judge, you will have to stick to facts, facts, facts that have been docmented and can be corroborated by the cw. I hope the past threats fall into that category.

If you do get to speak, you may want to build your credibility a little bit by first talking about how you wanted RU to be successful, the steps you took to support the parents' efforts, how sorry you are to be concerned about it now and that you are not motivated by a desire to adopt the girls (if true).

I agree with you about the lithium. It may indeed make a big difference down the road, but it is way too early to tell. Not knowing how old the father is, if he is older, someone needs to take into account that his functional development--adult judgment, stability, emotions, the whole gamut--has been stalled since he fell ill and began self-medicating. Also that his aggression and violence has now become a dependent and ingrained behavior that may not abate just because the original root cause is absent. Finally, of course, the mother hasn't changed, she is the same codependent girl that chose sick father and DV over kids time and time again.

I don't know how you get that idea across to a judge without being a psychiatrist yourself. If the state's mental health evaluators are giving this a "go," that is really odd.

Well, clearly I have no answers, just babble. I'm so so so sorry you are going through this. It's that "oh, no, this can't be happening" feeling, the feeling that you've got to do something but can't, it must be awful. Our hearts are with you.

[vesw01]

Honestly, we did not get into foster care to adopt. We wanted to help and that is what we have tried to to - be there as a support unit for this family.

We love the girls and I know the love their family and that is where their heart and loyalty lies.

I am on the verge of an emotional breakdown. I don't know how much longer I can last.

[Mandy4President]

We went through something similar with our foster girls that we had years ago and it was heartbreaking. Unfortunately I was a 22 year old foster mom and I didn't know that I COULD fight for their rights, let alone that I was supposed to (thought that's what the court system was for - HA!) Anyways, when I get an update on them it is never good now, and I always regretted what I DIDN'T do. Good for you for standing up for them. I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is one thing when you know that they are going home to a good family, but it is sickening when you have to worry about them being with their own parents. Big hugs coming your way!

[patti Daniels]

I know how you feel. My prayers are with you. God is in control. Pray for the family. My niece received her four children back after rehab. She had two sets of twins. We had the children almost 90 days. My niece is doing great. She reports it is a daily walk. She has turned her life over to God and is doing a great job with her children. She has a job and her mother drives her to work. She is attempting to get her license. I worried and cried when the children returned to theri mother. I had the two five year old twins and the premie baby twins. Each set was a boy and a girl. They are beautiful and my husband and I enjoyed every minute that the children lived with us. It broke our heart when they were returned. God was in control and he had a plan. It has turned out wonderful. My prayers are with you and the girls and their family.

[hesabanana]

We adopted our oldest after he was placed with us for over two years. His sister was placed with us at age 2 months and was returned to bmom at 13 months, a month before we adopted our son. It will be a year she has been gone next month, and I still cry for her daily.
Bmom lost her first four children, and fd is the only one she has now.
Bmom now calls me drunk from time to time. She is still being supervised by the children's services agency. We report each call but our reports are suspect because we fought so hard for our son and to keep fd. I will never stop fighting.
I too told fd when she left how much we love her and will miss her and will keep fighting for her.
We are still certified as foster parents, but will only accept her for placement. I have told my worker that she will need to continue to recertify my house until fd is 18. I mean it.
I pray every night that fd is safe and happy and loved. I also pray my phone rings with "the call."
Best of luck to you and your fkids.