[wife2grumpy]

My niece is 7 months pregnant, and J's bio parents parental rights have been terminated, and he is still ward of the court. We are adopting him, the paper work has been submitted, but we are told it can take a year for it to go thru.
I do not know for sure, but, I am getting the assumption that when this child is born, the state will take her. The hospitals have been flagged. We have talked about me taking the baby when it was born, I said no. I do not want to sound mean in any way, but, I was put thru the ringer by my niece and my sister, and I still am. I don't want to deal with the visits, the drama, and demands they try to place on me.
I have been accused of not feeding him right, putting clothes on him that were too small (at 10 months old she had him in 4t clothes) abusing him, and only she could see the bruises, that came and went during the visits. I have been threatened, and cussed out.
My sister is mad and says she hopes to god I don't try to keep my nieces son away from her for the year it take to adopt, she must not understand the term "termination of parental rights" and all visits are to "cease" . I am told how I should raise him. She actually told my husband that he needed to start sharing a ride with some one or start taking a bus to work. I needed to put J to bed by 730 and get him up at 7am. Then I have J's birth mother telling family members she is taking him for the weekend on his birthday. NOT happening, unless she prey's him from my cold dead hands! She says will be enrolling him in a program by her house, using her address and I will just have to like it and take him, it is her son and she has the right to enroll him in what ever she wants.. The list of things goes on and on. They are acting as if the rights were never terminated.
Well now I have my hubby talking about taking the new baby and I told him NO. I can't do two babies and have them on my back constantly on how I am to raise them, fed them, dress them, give them naps, and harass me for the next 18 years. Oh and they will. She didn't do her case plan or even try to keep her son, and my sister didn't want custody of him. There are more reasons for me not taking on The new baby, one being I am 41, my house is too small, looking at long terms decisions. Oh and my husband don't drive so I play taxi cab....

Thanks fo letting me vent, and do you all think I am being mean by not taking the new little one on?

[tinatyme]

No, it sounds like you have thought this out very carefully. Babies are a lot of work anyway especially when you have other children and I imagine with your sister and your niece involved that would double the work and frustration. You are responsible for making sure that your immediate family unit is healthy and able to thrive and if you think that it won't be possible with this new baby, then you are making the right decision. I would, however, make sure that my husband and I are on the same page so that there is no tension caused when the baby is born and put into another foster home.

It sounds like that might be a good thing for your niece and sister. If the baby is placed in an unrelated foster home then she will get the attention, services, and care that she needs but your family members will have to limit their involvement and realize that if they want to remain a part of that child's life, they will have to follow the case plan and make responsible decisions in the future.

Good luck!

Tina

[Boulderbabe]

It sounds like "no" is the right answer here, even though it's so hard to separate siblings.

I just have one quick thought, though. If your sister and her daughter are behaving this badly, why are you talking to them? Even more important, why are you listening to them? If it were me, I'd want that toxic garbage out of my life. Block their phone calls and mark letters "return to sender." Who needs this!

[wife2grumpy]

I actually avoid my sister at all costs. I haven't talked to my niece since Las December. With the excpetion of when we crossed paths in court in May. She started screaming at me and I told her she should be grateful she knew where her son was.

[bethy724]

It sounds like you are making the best decision for you & your family. It would be mean to take the child when you really don't want to add stress & harrassment to your family . Best of luck.

[stevenstwin]

you have my sympathy! this sounds a lot like what the guarians of my FS's little siblings are going through.They are the maternal grandparents, and they have BOTH parents (especially their daughter) constantly telling them what to do. Especially the thing about enrolling the children in a program! She actually enrolled the older one in preschool! Of course her mother said no darn way - and told her she better phone back and explain that she doesn't HAVE any children!, but I was shocked at the gall. Meanwhile, the dad who has NO visitation or contact of any kind, informed them of the week he thought would be best for them to come for the summer (??). Can people really BE so dense?

[mrskllp]

We did a kinship foster care with my husbands cousins kids and we had so much trouble from his dad causing trouble for the parents! He would call and say things that weren't true and make stuff up to the CW it was horrible! Needless to say it is nothing compared to your situation! Here is my thought, you could take this baby under the strict understanding that the department doesn't tell the mom and sister where they placed the child! They have to keep all placements confidential, at least they do where I live, but anyways at least that way the kids could be together( if that is something you would consider, if not I understand your situation and really don't blame you for saying no)! Are they going to terminate her rights with the new baby as well?
My current FS who is 9 1/2 months is going to have a sibling in Oct. and the department told me they weren't going to do TPR(on the 9 month old) until after this baby was born and that I would have to take it because by law they have to put siblings together, I do not know if that is true, but I told them that they could find a foster home with room for two because they wouldn't force me to do anything I am doing them a service by being a foster parent, and they weren't gonna bully me into anything! Well, after a lot of prayer and thinking I told them I would take this baby because I don't want to lose the one I have, because birth mom has already expressed her desire for us to adopt him and I really want to adopt him and I would adopt the next one too, because I want to keep them together, but if I was in your situation I have to say I would have said no as well, because there is no point in you being upset all the time and your kids seeing this, but your age shouldn't be a factor because 41 isn't old!!! You still have a lot of life in you, but at the same time I also understand the feeling of you were not put here to raise all the kids your niece decides to have! She should figure out what causes it and STOP DOING IT!!!(I felt that way when I was told I had to take this next baby! If she doesn't want to stop making babies that is not my fault and I wasn't put here to raise her children, but it is not the childrens fault so I had a change of heart!) Anyways, I apologize for the long wind in my response I hope all goes well for you and the children, it is ultimately your sanity at stake here no one else's so you need to do what is best for your family unit because they are what will suffer if you say yes and then nothing but trouble comes afterwards! Good Luck to you and take care of YOU and your family!

[wife2grumpy]

Thank you for your replies they mean a lot to me. Hubby and I just got in this huge argument about the new baby. I had gotten a new car seat for my brother, and he asked where it came from. I told him I got it for T. I talked to my brother and told him I had toddler seats for the older kids and the infant seat. I told hubby T was going to take them and he got all bent out of shape. He was telling me he could have the old one bla bla bla, and put the new one up for when "we" get the new baby. I promptly said "we" are not taking her. He said how the hell do you know that? Guess he missed the entire conversation we had last Wed, when I told him, I did not want this child, or what comes with her, being my niece and sisters attitude and directions on what "I" need to do. Then he said that we are family placement so it doesn't matter that they share a room, the prosecuting atty cannot make that call on the house being too small, that is up to cps. (at the first tpr that was postponed, the prosecuting atty said my house was to small for another child. I do not have to take both to keep J. His parents right was tpr'ed already, so it is a different case, and they also have moved to a different county now.
I am on the verge of tears over this. I know it is best for me, emotionally and physically not to take a new baby on. geesh I so need a vacation........
thanks for letting me cry on your shoulders... My husband just has no clue how I feel.

[laguna5472]

wife2grumpy ,mrskllp ,
What state are you both in?
wife2grumpy i'm sorry you have to deal with people like this.
mrskllp
in ohio they dont have to put siblings in same home. i had one kid who has 5 siblings him makeing # 6 and they were in 4 different homes.
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[Boulderbabe]

Why don't you take the baby, and ditch your sister and her daughter? There's no law that says you have to communicate with them...

[wife2grumpy]

Originally Posted by Boulderbabe

Why don't you take the baby, and ditch your sister and her daughter? There's no law that says you have to communicate with them...

I do not want another baby, nor can I handle another highstrung little one, He has wheels for feet and goes from daylight to dark. One sitter asked me dose he ever stop running and talking? lol nope, he don't even require sleep. (he is going to be tested, if that is what you are thinking) I don't want the stress that it will create in my family, not just my house hold, but my parents home. I thought about this for 6 months and my cons out weighed the pros, I cannot do it, its that simple. If this is selfish of me then so be it. I have though about this long term, I have a small home with 2 bedrooms. It is not right the have 2 children of the opposite sex in the same room. What happens when they are teens and they have to share a room? Not only dose the law say they can't it is not fair to have to share a room at that age with a brother and sister.
What happens if I take this one, and she gets pregnant again? Then they take that one, and then she has another one? Am I supposed to keep taking her children because she is not responsible enough to use birth control?
I have raised my child, she is going to be 19 and going to college this fall, now I am raising my great nephew and wouldn't trade either for anything in the world. Just because I have him, dose not mean I want to, or required to raise every child she gives birth to.
My niece dose not call my home, but she makes it her life goal to go to my parents and her mothers house and talk about her great big plans for her son, she no longer has, but thinks she still has a say. My sister goes and tells my parents what I should do and how I should do it. My parents tell them both "you have no rights" !
So in the end, regardless of anything else and above all J needs my undivided attention, and he will continue to get it. This is not about me, Its about what is best for J, my caseworker and I had this conversation a while back and she thought that in J's best interest, it is best not to take on baby 2. As much as it hurts to say no, this is best.