[ccpeterson]

Do you all notice that you can't expect the same support/sympathy with foster children as bio children? My family is all very supportive about us fostering, but at the same time, I'm realizing that perhaps they really aren't supportive. Do you find that when you want to talk to someone about issues you may be having with your foster child..normal parent stresses, like child waking up during the night, child being fussy often, etc....that you don't get the same support you would if you were referring to your bio children? When I say something like, "oh, i'm so tired, fs has been so cranky lately and not sleeping well".....I usually get a reply such as, "Well, what did you expect? This is what YOU wanted!!" People don't say those things to a mom who has had a bio child...I don't remember anyone ever saying those things when my bio kids were small and I would talk about being worn out, etc from lack of sleep. Why is it different when you are parenting a foster child? Just because I wanted to foster, doesn't mean it will always be a piece of cake and I won't ever get tired and need to vent, ya know? It just frustrates me. Anytime I say anything to my sister about being tired or not being able to nap, etc she comes back with some remark like "what did you think, you wanted it" arrrrggghh. Can anyone relate?? I just need some support and sympathy now and then, like ALL parents do!

[mrsred]

I understand exactly what you mean. The other one, on the same line that I hate is when I would make any type of comment on our foster to adopt daughter's challenging behaviors my siter, and some others would say "Are you sure you should adopt her? Maybe you should tell them it won't work out." I don't remember anyone ever suggesting that I send our bio son away when dealing with his ADHD behaviors.

[ccpeterson]

I know what you mean! I was having a really hard time yesterday morning....mainly due to PMS...I was feeling emotional and FS had been up the night before and I was really tired. I was sitting on the couch and he was being extremely fussy and I began to cry. My husband said, "You know, we can stop this at anytime". I know when he says this, it's just because he is worried about me and my emotions, but I was just thinking like you said, we would have never gave up on our bio children. Our son was a VERY difficult baby, but we would have never walked away from him. I can't give up on our FS...he needs us right now.

[ECDGA]

I feel like our family and friends are very supportive if I just keep everything in a positive light!! Easier said than done, right? I have learned that my husband is the only one that wants and cares enough to hear the nitty gritty--and that doesn't just apply to our foster children! Every one else just likes to think that our lives and our children are perfect, that way they don't have to help!

[aimeek]

I feel the same way. All of my recent conversations with my family have been a strain. My mom and sister are the only people that I have to use as respite and I can't even get them to come for a couple of hours. (I am going to have to find more sitter options)
Hubby and I have had the same conversation about not giving up, and its true - we would never give up on our bio son - there is no return policy there. So we just grin and bear it. Tomorrow is another day.

Aimee

BS D 11 years
FD E 3 years
FS S 2 years
FS T 1 year
FD D 6 weeks

[ECDGA]

Wow Aimeek--you sure are busy! Are your fc all siblings? It is amazing how supportive people can seem with their words but when it comes to actions their intentions just seem to fizzle.

[mrskllp]

I completely get what you are saying!!!!!!!!!! My husband and I get NO support from ANYONE EVER!!!! My mom lives out of stste and doesn't ever call me and when I call her she doesn't answer, our previous foster daughters were having a tuff time dealing with the fact they were taken from mom and dad and would SCREAM and cry for hours on end after they came back from visits and my mom said you should give them back and let someone else do it! I lost it after that one and I knew she would never be supportive! My mother in law is the same way she lives 2 blocks away from us and she never comes and sees any of our children, she doen't call NOTHING, and to top that off sometimes you can't even get the support of the DHS either because they are never available to take your calls, unless they call you and need you to do something for them!! So yes I understand what you are saying, the only person I can vent to about things is my husband, we never get a break, not even from our birth children! We have been married for 12 yrs. and we have always had to take our children with us when we go out for our anniversary dinner! My husbands siblings have children and his mom always watches their kids, but not ours and it was like this before we started fostering! So if anyone understands the lack of support or interest from family it is us for sure! Advice for this, just stick with your hubby, they have good shoulders to cry on, and good ears to listen (if the tv's off LOL) and when all else fails PRAY!!! God loves it when we vent on him, and no one understands better what these kids have been through and how tired we can get from dealing with their issues and ours than he does! Hang in there, I have learned from experience that my husband is my rock, and now I can also come here and I have several rocks to lean on! Take care

[jllambert]

Oh it was good to see we are not alone! Everything everyone has said applies to my own life. My mom is good, but she lives a few hours away and they travel a lot. My in-laws that live in town made it very clear they will never help by watching the kids (I would never ask them any way) and our friends avoid us like they might catch the dreaded Foster parent bug! I think I have been told so much we were asking for this that I don't feel like I can even express my true feelings to anyone except my husband! I think this is one of the hardest parts of Foster Parenting!! I often wonder if they even know how insensitive their comments are??

[ccpeterson]

Nice to hear from others who understand. Too bad we all seem to have this problem. I hate that people won't give me support or even an ear to listen to me, because "I wanted this". Just because we want to foster, doesn't mean it's easy. We should be allowed to vent now and then!

[ranoutofnames]

I SOOO know what all of you mean. I also find that at work there are times where my supervisor is less than supportive. If a foster child is sick and I need to use sick leave I don't get the same reaction as someone else with a biochild.

At one point my supervisor said something along the line that I need to stop doing foster care because I needed to take time off from work for their dr appointment... not that I ever take more than two hours total and my work is ALWAYS done. I decided at that point I'd do my best to ensure she had no idea if I had any foster kids or not. My last foster infant was placed with me in November. The other day someone asked how many kids I have I stated the kids I have and named. It turns out she was within earshot and she was asking who the other one was and how long I'd had her. She had no idea that for the past 7 months I was caring for a young infant. It felt good to see the reaction on her face and hear her say she didn't realize I had any foster children let alone that I'd been caring for a young infant for that long. HAh!

[Boulderbabe]

Originally Posted by mrsred

when I would make any type of comment on our foster to adopt daughter's challenging behaviors my siter, and some others would say "Are you sure you should adopt her? Maybe you should tell them it won't work out."

I hate to say it, but I can top that! I was chatting with a colleague, and saying how hard it was to do fieldwork while my foster son had all these appointments, etc., and she said, "Maybe you should throw him back!"

THROW HIM BACK? Jeez....

[Natnclay]

We have had our girls for just a few weeks. We went to the in-laws for the first time, with all the cousins and aunts and uncles.
We are first time parents and our friends threw us a shower, my family has been sending gifts, etc. My husband's family (we are the only ones in his fam to deal with infertility, so they just don't get it) did not even ASK if we needed anything. These girls are foster to adopt and will most likely be ours- and the only children we ever have. My husband and I have always spoiled our 15 nieces and nephews ROTTEN, including flying them to California to go to Sea World and stay with us for a week.
It REALLY irks me that they didn't do anything for us. I try to keep telling myself that they just don't understand, but I still quietly resent it.

[pogonorms]

What's that?

[athikers]

This is sort of at the other end of things, but when our foster-adopt placement left (it was "decided" that we would be the adoptive family in December, but then it was "undecided" in February when relatives showed up - though the kids lived with us until three weeks ago)... anyway, when they left NO ONE from our family called us to see how we were doing... many of them have STILL not asked. They pretend like the kids, who we considered OUR son and daughter, were never even here and its just been hubby and I for the past 8 months, like always. Its ridiculous and very sad how much they DON'T get it.

Its doubly strange, because when the kids WERE here, they were GREAT. I could not have asked for more support. There were those relatives that would not watch them, but I would not want those relatives to watch them anyway! They were treated like they'd always been ours and welcomed into the family very gracefully. It makes the ending all the more shocking.

[hubbyswife]

My husband and I are the only ones on both sides of our families to deal w infertility. NO ONE threw anything for us.... No one asked if we needed anything, NOTHING.... the only questions we got asked was "did we get reimbursed for buying things?" Ummmm, NO!! They were asking about the crib, high chair, etc....

At work it's the same thing, no one has done anything but they always throw baby showers for pregnant ladies..... The head boss just went all out for someone and someone was commenting about how generous the boss was and I said I guess not for adopted children, huh?..... Then I get well the kids are already here or some other excuses.... whatever.....

Some type of gesture would of have been nice.... oh well....

I find that u can't really complain about parenting woos... or else u get THEN GIVE THEM BACK......

And when we were talking about getting our FS, legal risk placement, people just kept asking us if we get a trial period w him.... DH said "did u get a trial period w your son?"