[mommie2angels]

Hey ladies! I need some advise, this is all so new to me!

I have always been the type to watch my back, make sure my doors are locked/alarm set, etc. I was worried when I signed up for FC that I might run into someone who would want to find me and do harm. Well.. it has happened! The birthmom followed me the other day on my way home from a visitation. I noticed as I entered the freeway and quickly lost them and went straight back to the agency (I didn't have my cell phone). I guess it wasn't her that I was afraid of most, it was the nasty looking guy in the truck who was driving!

This is just one of the MANY things that has happened with this birthmom. She is mentally ill and is addicted to narcotic medications. She has acted out by cursing at the agency visitation supervisors (my social worker) several times. This past visitation on Tues she accused my husband and myself of not feeding baby properly (although she's gained 2.5 pounds since we got her 4 weeks ago). She also said that her daughter has a yeast infection not a diaper rash and we need to put the yeast medication the 12 week old baby. I have taken this baby 2 times to the dr and both times they said NO YEAST INFECTION!!! She doesn't need medication for something she doesn't have! The dr even refused to write me a perscription for it!

birthmom has missed 1 visit already after she was given an extra hour to show up. She is very SLOW in her movements and actions because when she goes for her visits she is normally "high" from her medications. She constantly puts her hair in the babies face and says that the baby LIKES her hair in her face! She refused to tie her hair back as baby is screaming with her hair in her face. At her visit with her social worker the mother almost dropped the infant 3 times during her visit. The most recent visit she was holding the baby really high in the air while screaming that we didn't know how to feed the baby. After that outburst they asked her to leave or they were calling the police.

Now her visits are suppose to be at the county. She had been cursing at my agency and they said that she needs a different level of supervision than my agency can provide. I think that was a nice way of putting it!

At first we thought this was her only child. This baby had been in foster care 2 times before the age of 2 months. She was medically fragile when we got her. She had oral thrush and was underweight. It just came out last week that this is her 3rd child. The other two have been taken away and were placed in foster care in another state since then they have been adopted out. Mother has some history of violence, although I don't know anymore about that subject. Also she had been beaten by a man in the past.

So my questions are, is this normal? Should I be scared? We really do want to adopt this child, and she is doing so much better with us. She was born with the perscription narcotics in her system. Now she is thriving. When we got her she couldn't even suck a bottle! So, her social worker is very upset at the actions of the birthmom Her social worker is a "hard one" they say. She's very strict with these parents.

From what I've said and the experience of this board... what do you think is going to happen now that they're changing her visits to the county?

Sorry it's so long, but that's in advance for your support! This is tougher than I thought it was going to be!

[la vida loca]

Oh boy...I can relate. Long story short, moving the visits to county suggests that they feel she requires a higher level of supervision. As to people trying to follow you home, I'll give you the same advice that was given to me by the folks on this forum...let the agency handle the transport.

I've also had experience with the parents filing spurious complaints with the police about me, claiming all sorts of things, always ending the complaint by saying my actions were violating their (the parents') civil rights. Sigh. That got tiresome, but as soon as I arranged for the social workers to transport to and from the visits the parents stopped complaining. I guess out of sight was out of mind for them.

Two weeks from today is the 18-month review and I suspect it will result in TPR. The social worker has already commented that she is VERY concerned about a goodbye visit and the safety of everyone involved, feels it may be better to have the meeting at the county offices with (multiple) officers from the probation department supervising the visit.

It stinks when you get caught up in a situation like this. Talk to your social worker about your concerns and see what you can work out.

[vegaschristina]

I agree, let them handle transportation. Your safety and that of the child MUST come first.

I've had our bmom turn us in for not caring properly for the kids. My first thought was, well, I've never had a child removed from my care, but the CW said he could see the complaint for what it was.

TPR can take a long time, so be prepared for the ups & downs of fostering while hoping to adopt. I really want the mom to get her life together, but kinda hope she doesn't so I can keep the babies. It's a fine line, but my kids bmom makes it easy by being unable to maintain stability for more than a few weeks at a time. She's currently in jail on possession with intent to sell charges.

I'd love to tell you that it'll get easier, but it won't. This is what it's like to be a foster mom. You get to care for & love these amazing children and have your emotions on a roller coaster ride. But in the end, for most of us on this board, it's so very worth it.

[cvalda]

I feel your pain, too!

I don't have really any answers for you; just know you're not alone!

I've called the police on one foster mother who called and left me a violent message; another foster mother threatened that she knew where we lived; and after the adoption of my oldest kids, AND after trying to work an open adoption with her, the birthmom started showing up at our house and at my son's school, and I ended up needing to get a restraining order on her!

After all my adoptions were complete, we moved out of the city (into a smaller town) but got a PO Box in the city to use as our forwarding address, so they all think we still live in in the city and can contact me or the kids via the PO Box.

Good luck!

;~) Kelly

[mommie2angels]

Thanks ladies. It is so hard at this point. I wanted to get some sort of restraining order but the county said they will speak with her in court regarding this issue. It hurts me that her mom isn't getting her act straight, but at the same time, I don't know how it would be to give her back to such an unfit/unstable person.

We had actually started having the agency meet me around the corner to drop her off to us. The social worker was actually at the agency the day she followed me. That was my first time meeting the County SW. I had picked her up that day with all of that drama with her following me. She claims she may have been behind us, but it just happened to be so, She wasn't FOLLOWING us, she says she doesn't know what kinda car we drive or what we look like. HOWEVER on the first day that we dropped her off, she told the SW that she knew what we drove and what we looked like and that she should just let us all meet! NUTS!

This lady calls the lawyer after every incident and tells them whatever and wants to know her rights! Like she's said before it's HER RIGHT to put her hair in the babys face. IT"S HER RIGHT!

ughgh.. this is NUTS! I don't know if the county will provide the transportation... how would I go about getting that started?

[wife2grumpy]

I wish I could help. To me is sounds like mom is a flight risk. Sending you big big hugs

[vernellinnj]

It's simple..tell the caseworker you can no longer transport to visits. The judge ordered that the county must ensure visitation takes place - not the foster parent.

Good luck.

[cvalda]

(Oy, I realized I keep saying "Foster mother" when I mean bio. mom! LOL... mothers of my foster kids...

[DianeS]

How scary! Would using a transporter keep your family safer?

I mean, wouldn't a transporter be rather in the dark about the need to be sure he wasn't followed? Unless you could get the transporter to keep meeting you in a new location to hand over the baby after each visit?

[stevenstwin]

Welcome to the world of foster care. Just wanted to comment on the point about it being her "right" to do this or that....it has been my experience that most truly negligent parents have a really over-developed sense of their "rights" and absolutely no concept whatsoever of their responsibilities! Our foster son and his siblings have been TPR'd, yet we still get constant reminders from the bio dad of whatever he figures his rights are!

[Bailey071097]

I always make sure that I have direct contact with the county CW and build a relationship with them for just this type of situation. I have in the past pushed the CW to drug test and stop visits if they tests come back dirty. I also build a relationship with the attorney ad-litem (GAL), so that when we do get the CW that does not do their job, the ad-litem will step in and require certain things.

Call (or email - so you have documentation) the county CW and ask them what can be done and specifically ask about their policy for drug testing and having to be clean for a certain time before visits can resume. In addition, make sure you go to court and stand up in front of the judge to tell them what is happening.

Good Luck!!

[tvs4]

Document EVERYTHING! Every interaction with the mom (which sounds like it would be best for you to avoid anyway), document the doctor visits, have the doctor write a note about the visit and any concerns, document and make sure the case workers, and whoever is supervising visits is also documenting. Don't put emotion in to the documentation just the facts like "May 5, 2007. Visit at 3:00pm mom stated "Baby not eating enough". "May 8,2007, Baby to MD, weight is X at 50% for age range. Doctor stated baby is growing appropriately and weight is on target". Don't document if you think she is crazy (even if she is crazy) but you can document behavior that is odd like "holding a baby high in the air". Just keep it emotionally neutral. It will seem more objective if you document with out your feelings recorded. I kept a daily log with my FS activities and what he ate, every doctor visit, if I gave him medication (prescription or over the counter) b/c at the beginning mom was starting to say "you are not feeding him, he has a bruise, he is sick, etc, etc, etc" The log made for pretty dull reading but it might help your case in the future.

[AKMama]

I agree with the previous post - document, document, document! I too kept a log of my two daughters when they were foster children with every feeding, ounces they ate, diaper change, nap, meds, and a little write up at the bottom about their day, mood, activities, first milestones (tooth poked in, rolled over, etc) and if behavior was different or unusal after a visit. I also documented my interactions with the parents and phone calls they made and what was said. Bdad especially was constantly making things up or taking a very small part of a conversation and blowing it out of proportion for the SW. This way I did not have to try to remember everything and I could look back and say what really happened or the time of the phone call, etc. Luckily I did not have to use the documentation much, but if I had needed it, I wanted to be ready.
Also look into the drug testing. I know we had a few visits ended early or cancelled before they began because of suspected drug use and the parents were immediately sent to be drug tested. Every time they came back positive.

[mommie2angels]

Well we are going through a private agency and they document EVERYTHING that happens. They actually had to make up incident reports to send to the her attorney/court/etc.

Her social worker is going in to the courts and asking for NO SERVICES. They said that means that she will not be able to use the county resources to get better. She has already lost 2 other children (we don't know when).

My agency is going to speak with her social worker today about what the outcome of this situation is more likely going to be. They are trying to get the parental rights terminated, however they can't do that until 6 months... so... we wait!

This is the hardest waiting game EVER.... I'm putting my heart on hold for this child, but everyday, some more of my heart aches to hold her forever!

I didn't realize how hard this was going to be. These past 4 weeks, have felt like years, and all I want to do is have this pyscho women leave me alone!

[kmac1196]

Oh Please, don't let my parents read this post!!! This is the very thing they are afraid of. My recruiter told me that in Mass (my area of mass) it doesn't happen. She's been doing it for 20 years and she's only seen it once and the child was taken to a different part of the state to prevent problems. Say it isn't often!! Please. I start Mapp training in May.

Kristen