[torn]

i put this on another forum,think it was the wrong one, anyway, dh and i were certified in feb. got 1st. placement in march, 12yr. fd. my problem is while i feel a sense of duty to her i just cant seem to feel anything else. she is a good kid, very helpful but she is very draining and needy, and given her life its more then understandable, but i am feeling guilt about being bothered by it, some words of insight would be much appericated. oh and i thought i wouldnt be bothered by someone new living here but i feel a loss of privecy. will that go away

[crikkit]

I think I can understand what you're going through. We have a 10-year-old fd who has been with us for about 9 months. She is our first long-term placement. I definitely did not have a strong bond with her right away, and even now I wouldn't describe my feelings toward her as maternal. I do my best to fake it, and I do care for her very much.

It probably took about 5-6 months before we really felt completely comfortable and privacy wasn't as much of an issue anymore. Maybe that's because we've forgotten what privacy feels like!

[vesw01]

We have a 12 yr old FD too - beware between hormones and life in the foster care system, they send to have many issues. We love our daughter dearly, but pyschological she has many things going on.

I have no privacy - that is part of being a parent. Lay sound ground rules down and say your room is off limits.

If you ever need to drop me a PM

[AmyAnne]

Yeah. It's hard when you don't love them yet, isn't it? There's a good chance you will at some point. I know the exact moment it happened for me, and it was about 6 months into placement. My son pulled an idiot stunt and rode his bicycle into traffic. I remember praying "Lord, please deliver my son safely back to me SO I CAN KILL HIM MYSELF!" I was visibly shaken by what happened.

[stevenstwin]

Originally Posted by AmyAnne

Yeah. It's hard when you don't love them yet, isn't it? There's a good chance you will at some point. I know the exact moment it happened for me, and it was about 6 months into placement. My son pulled an idiot stunt and rode his bicycle into traffic. I remember praying "Lord, please deliver my son safely back to me SO I CAN KILL HIM MYSELF!" I was visibly shaken by what happened.

LOL! That totally cracked me up today! The definition of "mother love"

[stevenstwin]

A sense of duty isn't a bad place to start. You are consistently meeting her needs and providing her a safe, stable place to live. No doubt this is a huge improvement over where she is coming from! I don't think we can expect to LOVE every child we meet, and certainly not right away (and goodness knows that teens and pre-teens aren't always all that lovable, anyway! ;-) Maybe it's the flip side of what I went through....I've told this story here before; I knew my foster son before he came to live with me. actually became a foster mom just for his sake -and I *thought* I loved him. A year and a half later I can look back and realize that I DIDN'T. I felt sorry for him, etc - but I didn't *love* the kid, and the only reason I know that is because now I DO, and it feels different. I have no idea when it really developed - I guess it just snuck up on me little by little. (although the first time he said "I love you" probable didn't hurt, and this week's decision to start calling me "mom" just hooks me in a little deeper! LOL) Point is - feelings aren't right or wrong - it is your actions that matter. As for the loss of privacy - totally normal (gosh, I remember when I first got married, and found myself almost resenting his "stuff" in MY space!). I suspect that'll probably go away as you feel more comfortable with her. I remember how "formal" we were with our foster son at first - like living with a houseguest.

[leslie5645]

Thank you! We are transitioning right now with a 13 year old foster to adopt, and although my husband is already half in love with her, I thought my ambivilance (sp?) was wrong. I am really committed to this, but I guess I was expecting myself to love her right off the bat. I'm so glad this is 'normal'!