[Singlemom619]

Well really I don't have issues with HER - more of the situation.

S came to me 11 days ago. CPS has been involved in her life for 4 years because mom is an alcoholic and so there is neglect at home. No abuse, just not being home, not providing food, ect ect. S was in shelter care for 3 months over the holidays last year while mom was suppose to be going to rehab, however she got out, S went back home, and mom started drinking again. S asked to be brought into care finally and so that's how she ended up with me.

She's filled me in on what life was like with her mom. She has 3 older siblings who aren't able/willing to take her in and care for her and seem to be in denial about there really being a problem. S hasn't talked to her mom since she's been here, although she has tried to call. She has talked to her siblings and they have called here a couple times.

She's a good student, well behaved, ect.

A few days ago her sister sent her an email that said "not to make you feel bad but now mom can't get that eye surgery since you left. She was denied the medicare." I talk to her about how it wasn't her fault, she says she knows it's not but she feels bad. I told SW.

SW called today to talk to S about the comment. S confirmed that it happen and that in a phone conversation after the email the sister again said "not to make you feel bad but..." and that mom can go blind if she doesn't get this surgery.

I'm not sure what all SW said to her, BUT SW did ask her how long that S thinks she'll want to stay in care. Is that a normal question for the SW to ask her? I mean I realize that S is 16, BUT she's very immature, sucks her thumb still, is still into childish games and activities, and prefers to hang out with my son than other teenagers her age. S said she didn't know. She told SW that she's talked with me about the future and she just doesn't know.

I'm not saying S should never go home - BUT it's only been 11 days. Is that a question that is normally asked after 11 days??? Mom hasn't been sober since S has been gone. S's grades have gone up when she was in shelter care and since she's been with me, and they drop when she's back home - according to her teachers...

I don't know...

What do you think?

[TBearsAunt]

It is common among adicts to try to portray themselves as a victim. (My sister is an expert at this.) Please encourage your foster daughter to think of herself and what she wants.

[stevenstwin]

Sure doesn't sound normal to me! My son was 14 when he was brought into care, and he had no choice about it - in fact, he did NOT want to be in care at all (and the issues with him were mostly neglect as well). I don't get it - if they thought there was enough wrong with her situation to bring her into care, why would they be acting like she can just decide when she wants to go home? Also, her behaviour sounds way beyond "immature" - it sounds pretty emotionally stunted to me. Is she getting any therapy? At any rate, with her emotional difficulties no WAY should anyone be asking her to make any kind of a decision of this magnitude! My son is now 16, and decisions which may affect the rest of his life are still made FOR him, after discussing with him - but not putting him in the driver's seat. He has the emotional level functioning of a 10 year old, and you'd never ask a 10 year old to make that sort of decision!

[JGarrick]

Originally Posted by Singlemom619

...her sister sent her an email that said "not to make you feel bad but now mom can't get that eye surgery since you left. She was denied the medicare."

Has this claim been verified?

[Singlemom619]

As far as I know - it has not. SW did say that mom should have other options so S shouldn't worry. I guess I'm just more thrown that they are asking her about moving back already.

S has become more clingy since she's been here getting confortable. Constantly talking to me and asking me questions that she can clearly answer on her own - I just think that she needs the attention. I understand so I'm replying and talking a lot to her but once in awhile I just need a break - ya know

[mrsred]

I agree that the sw seems to be way out of line. I think if I were you I would speak directly to sw to get clarification. Did you hear her actually say that? Sometimes these kids interpret things differently than they are meant. When our now adopted daughter first came to us, at the age of 9, she was totally convinced that it was all her choice. She truly believed that if she had decided she didn't want to stay with us she would be able to go back to living with her grandmother. It took a one on one conversation with the sw to convince her that she really had no say in where she would be, or whom she would be living with.

[Singlemom619]

Originally Posted by mrsred

I agree that the sw seems to be way out of line. I think if I were you I would speak directly to sw to get clarification. Did you hear her actually say that? Sometimes these kids interpret things differently than they are meant. When our now adopted daughter first came to us, at the age of 9, she was totally convinced that it was all her choice. She truly believed that if she had decided she didn't want to stay with us she would be able to go back to living with her grandmother. It took a one on one conversation with the sw to convince her that she really had no say in where she would be, or whom she would be living with.

NO - SW told me that it was S's choice to come into the system but they did say it was warrented (spelling?) I heard S's side of the phone conversations with SW and I could tell that SW DID ask her how long she planned to stay in care based on S's responses....

[momof2redheads]

I also have a 16 year old FD with me. Today the same question was asked of her. She doesn't want to go home because her mom has told her she doesn't want her. My fd is happy here and is not a typical teenager (imo). We have talked about her future which she has figured out, (She wants to go to college and get a degree for childcare and open up a daycare. She then wants to run that for a few years and go back to school to become a child psycologist.) (She knows things don't always workout the way we want.) I can see her going far in life if they let her. meaning they want to send her back to her mom even though she doesn't want her.
I get so fustrated with this system. I had a fd with 2 children and she came and went into foster care and she was 18. She went out of foster care and came back in because it was hard on her own. She can manipulate anyone even the case workers.
So on one hand I have someone who can "work the system" who really is just lazy and doesn't want to work. And on the other I have a girl who really just wants to stay and belong somewhere. I have to say it stinks!

[TBearsAunt]

It seems that 11 days is very quick for your foster daughter's mother's Medicaid to already have been cancelled. In Indiana you usually have a month's notice before Medicaid is cancelled.

[swanzie]

Wouldn't you just like to reply to the sisters e-mail saying:
Not to make you feel bad - but if we had a mother that was sober, had a job with insurance and took care of her kids I wouldn't be living in a foster home and mom could have all the surgeries she wanted. It's moms responsibility to take care of herself and not rely on me - I am still a child...so don't lay that responsibilty on me - if your so concerned about moms operation why don't you take care of the bill.

It just really sets me off when the older siblings put this kind of guilt on the younger ones...something that happened in my case and it use to really get under my skin. so much so I had to go to court and sever the sibling relationship - now I have a no contact order and I guess I am the only one in the state who has had to resort to that....but it isn't fair to put the parents problems or that kind of stress on the child.

[aunlanpo]

Originally Posted by swanzie

Wouldn't you just like to reply to the sisters e-mail saying:
Not to make you feel bad - but if we had a mother that was sober, had a job with insurance and took care of her kids I wouldn't be living in a foster home and mom could have all the surgeries she wanted. It's moms responsibility to take care of herself and not rely on me - I am still a child...so don't lay that responsibilty on me - if your so concerned about moms operation why don't you take care of the bill.

AMEN!!!!!!