[stevenstwin]

about foster parenting? I know a lot of us feel like others who aren't foster parents just "don't get it". If you could make them understand one key point, what would it be? Here's mine: "My child is not NORMAL. He does not respond the way yours does to my parenting - he needs to be parented differently, even if it looks weird to you, and it makes me crazy when you brush of his behaviours that worry me with "oh, he's just being a typical teenager." Any others?

[ajjhmf]

Here's one of mine...

My son will not just "get over it." He experienced a lot in his little life and you wouldn'y expect anyone to just move on if you knew everything. And no. I won't tell you everything either.

[AmyAnne]

Yes... it LOOKS LIKE "Normal behavior for his age" but it is caused by DIFFERENT THINGS, so it is in fact a DIFFERENT BEHAVIOR and should be treated as such. He is emotionally younger than he is. Don't tell me he's "Old enough to".... do whatever it is. I am his mother and I will be the judge of that.

[makarios79]

My thing is I was REALLY surprised about how many people do not get the concept of foster care.

They didn't understand where my fs came from (Did he come from this state?, "Where are his parents and Why did his parents gave him away - They live right here in my city, I'm only licensed to take kids from my city... They didn't give them away, he was taken by DCFS, and why he had to go back home. They REALLY did NOT understand that foster care was "meant to be temporary " and they were appalled that his parents were getting him back after they "gave him away."

Also people were completely CLUELESS about the fact that at least one fp DOES NOT have to be stay at home parent. They were REALLY concerned that I was going to quit my job (I'm single) I'm like, "How do you think I am going to ahve money to take care of him? Then, they were like, "what are you going to do with him during the day?"....Duh! Have you ever heard of this thing called DAYCARE? The same place you send your kids during the day, while you work.

Also fkids can't be parented like NORMAL kids..WHY? They previously were not being raised in a NORMAL FUNCTIONAL HOUSEHOLD (If there is such a thing)..They may not understand that you have to bathe everyday or that you don't have to hoard (sp? )food because there is more than enough to eat. Or that you are not going to get beaten to a pulp if you wet the bed..or that you don't have to act out sexually or behaviorally to have someone pay attention to you...The above may be common sense to kids raised in a healthy household, but not necessarily to foster kids.

I find a lot of people (who are not fp or have no expereience with fk) get frustrated with fkids behavior because they don't realize that you have to approach the situation differently from how you would address it with a "normal kid"

OH WAIT THAT IS WAY MORE THAN ONE THING..LOL

[kxl164]

That when my cute, adorable foster child come up and give you a huge hug out of the blue and want you to play with them.... that it is not a cue for you to say, "What easy children you have, so loveable. I would take them home in a second!"

It confuses and scares my already confused and scared children, which is why they are being so clingy to you in the first place. They think that they have to be nice to strangers because it may be their next Mommy and Daddy and you saying that to them, in front of them or around them at all causes problems.

(It also bothers me that these same people are the ones who roll their eyes at the misbehaviors and then try to tell me how to parent them, especially since the eye rolling is usually about 20 mintues after the above statement)

[Scootersbabygirl]

I have lost track of how many times people, who knew I had gotten a recent placement, saw him and said, "Wow...he's really cute!" in a surprised kind of way.

Just because they're in foster care it does not mean the child is ugly or dirty, in any sense of the word!

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

I wish people did not have the attitude that they are entitled to know my childrens history or why they are in care. Just because tax dollars are helping to pay for their care doed not mean you can stick your nose in.

Also...I did NOT become a foster parent "for the money". If that is the case, I am still waiting for it to start rolling in!

[LibbyHawkins]

That they have as much right to act as a stand in parent to my foster kids as I do, because they aren't "my kids"

They dont' need to be confused by everyone around them offering to parent them.

[mrsred]

That when I have kids that really do need help I can't get it. when I go to the psychiatrist and therapist they know less about attachment and what these kids need then I do, and they dismiss problems and act like it is all in my mind. Because the 45 minutes that they spent with my children, they can judge better than me.

[WhoKnew]

As others have said, the whole "All kids do that," "That's normal ____ -year-old behavior". And this is usually from someone who sees the child for an hour at a time, maybe at the park, where they are happy and behaving fine. This person does not see all the behaviors and issues you are facing at home. He or she does not understand that this child really is different.

[excited2adoptsoon]

I wish non-foster people would understand we are COMPLETELY AWARE we'll be heartbroken if/when a child leaves our home and we KNOW we're going to be attached to the child. That's the number one comment I've received from everyone I know. It's at the point where I think they are ignorant if they don't think we're aware of this.

I also wish I'd stop getting the blunt question "do you get paid for this" and "what did their parents do to lose them". I think those are very personal questions that I don't like people who are not close to me asking.

[athikers]

Others have said it... but I can't even count the number of people who have told me "Oh, all 10 year old girls are moody" in an effort to inform me that my kid is "normal". Ahem.

[mom2GRLC]

I hate when people make the birthparents out to be these horrible monsters(as if anyone who can't parent their child is this criminal not worthy of life) and try and make me out to be a saint(as if I am this heavenly being perfect in every way). Don't we ALL make mistakes in life....how about a little compassion for those who have lost life's most precious gift as a result of those mistakes...it's sad anyone has to suffer that loss. I am certianly not perfect I sure make a LOT of mistakes myself.

I also hate it when people say(about fostering) "oh I just could never do that, I don't have the heart for it". As if I am this heartless person who never has my heart ripped out when the precious child I love as my own has to go.

[vesw01]

I can't stand when other people (including other foster parents) give me a weird look when I say I like their parents and am actually now friends with both of their biomoms. I enjoy them as people and they have made some mistakes (so have I), but don't they deserve to have a chance to have someone stable in their life? I know how hard it is to find someone to be friends with, at least woman and I have an istant connection - their girls .

I also can't stand when someone tells me how special we are for doing this "we must be angels or saints." I didn't get into this to win an award.

[aunlanpo]

She does not have a hopeless future!

Even though that works for your child, doesn't mean it will work for mine. Um, I know who my kids are when no one is looking.

When I gave my ODD/ADHD/AD teen fd extra chores, she convinced herself that she didn't do anything wrong, I just wanted the bathroom cleaned. Shoveling sand into a wheelbarrow and dumping it somewhere else, then moving that pile back again is not inhumane. Exercise releases endorphines which calm her down, she can't rationalize that it's for me, and she always comes around to realize her HUGE error. If you don't like that technique... well, then don't use it for your children.

She's 18 years old, she drove home drunk, I took the car away from her, she has to walk 3 miles to and from work in a small town with 0% crime rate. She will NOT freeze, she will NOT get kidnapped or raped. If you're worried enough to call the police, maybe you should just walk with her. ie: You do NOT know what is right for my fkids, and your judgemental attitudes are ticking me off. She makes me feel like a terrible parent without your help.

Whew... I feel better.