[athikers]

We found out today that our kiddos will VERY likely be going to a relative, who just call the county out of the blue. They do not have a good relationship with our childrens' bioparents and thus they weren't informed when the kids entered care. The relative has been a foster parent before, so it is highly unlikely that they would not be found suitable to parent "our" kiddos. However, M & D will be staying with us until after TPR just in case the judge pulls a fast one on everyone involved and decides to send the kids home.

So, for those of you who have been through this... we are a foster adoptive home and have been told from the beginning that they were nearly certain M & D would not go home. They feel like OUR kids. How do we get through the MONTHS to come when we know they will be moving on, but they're still here with us. Right now my heart is breaking every time I hear our little man say "mama, please" when he wants me to play with him or do something for him - because I know that its just a matter of time until he will ONCE AGAIN lose the person he thinks is his "mama" and have to start over with a new mama. That, and when he leaves I will most certainly feel like I'm losing my son.

I feel GOOD about them going to a good home with relatives who sound GREAT and well-equipped to handle the kids. But, at the same time I can hardly stand to think about them leaving. So, for anyone else who has been through a "long goodbye", how did you handle it?

[vernellinnj]

"So, for anyone else who has been through a "long goodbye", how did you handle it?"

No advice as I haven't been there but wanted to offer my support. This scenario is my biggest fear..a relative coming out of nowhere and claiming my FC. Mine has been with me over 8 months so perhaps that would help me...I dunno.

Best wishes to you and your family...

[twinspirit]

I am SO sorry you, your family and the children are having to go down this road.
I didn't handle our loss very well. I was basiclly in denial while knowing the truth, and whenever I felt the tears threaten or the panic rising, I would just keep telling myself. "It's not today" "you have today". But in truth, I think our little Alycat knew something was up. She was only 5 1/2 months old when we lost her. To say you will have days of tears and days of joy is obvious and you don't need anyone telling you that. Just try to enjoy them each and everyday you have them. You're important role has now changed to preparing them for the possibility of a move....based on your SW's discretion of course (not mine)

Keep us posted and I hope other, more expericed parents, can offer helpful advice.

I will be praying for you and your family

[hesabanana]

My fd was ru'd with her bmom after 11 months of placement with us, the month before we adopted her brother. We thought for certain we would be adopting her as well. She left in July, and not a day goes by that I do not cry in grief. We are so devastated by her loss that we have decided not to foster. I have no good advice for you, except to cherish every day with them. Best of luck.

[bumpkin]

There is no easy way to tell you how hard it will be. It will be awful. All I can tell you (15 months after we lost our little lamb) is that some days I think of her her 10 times a day, sometimes 100 sometimes 1000 - but so far a day hasn't passed that I still don't hurt for her.

It is so hard. But we do go on. Whether we want to or not. Best of luck, love them while you can. You never know, strange things happen.

[Hadley2]

I am so sorry that you are sad and that the agency apparently did not do a relative search. Not surprised, though....

Also, I am more than a bit shocked and surprised that they are not moving to the relatives' now. Something is big time out of whack and it's not right. Frankly, it sounds as if the agency is giving the relatives the runaround, and that is not in the best interest of the children.... It is devastating to everyone, esp. children, when agencies do this, just read hkolin's posts.

Whether or not they RU, it makes no sense to keep the children with you as they have only been with you four months now (I know, it does not seem like "only" to you, I'm sorry). There will be another five months most likely to permanency hearing, then most likely another three to TPR, then a possible appeal. How does it help the kids to keep them away from extended family in that time? If there is RU, it will help them to be with their family (especially to see taht there are healthy, normal people who love them and care about them in their family!), if there is not, they will have all that time to attach to their forever family instead of a way station (again, sorry).

If there is a concurrent plan, then the children should be in the resource home as soon as possible. Even if there is not a concurrent plan, they should be in the relatives' home as soon as possible unless there is some big reason why not (such as the relatives live more than four hours away and it would conflict with RU goals; although if RU is not likely and the parents are offered a visitation method, it should not be a big concern).

As hard as it is, if you want to advocate for these kids, IMO it makes best sense to ask the agency to move them to the relatives asap. Leaving them with you is doing them no favors if it is known they are moving on either way. It is denying them THEIR rights to be raised by their own family when possible.

Heartbreaking, I know, I'm sorry. But fostering is about gathering families together, not pulling them apart.

[athikers]

I understand your reasoning, and if the family lived closer I think they would move them now. However, the home they are going to is FAR from us (5 1/2 hours) and their plan is still reunification... so its hard to do three visits a week with an 11 hour roundtrip drive.

Beyond that, our kiddos do not KNOW these relatives at all... so its not like it would be comforting to them to go home to family. They would be going "home" to strangers, that happen to be related to them. So, I think it IS in the kids best interest to stay with us, at least the little one is bonded to us and for them to go to someone else and try to attach again before knowing whether they'll go home to their bioparents... I think that causes more turmoil for the kids.

I AM supportive of a relatives right to adopt our kiddos and will be as supportive as I can with them whether it happens in three months or nine months or whatever.

[Sissy22]

hang in there I think ebery once in a while what it'll be like if A and B move out this summer I just take it 1 day at a time and lovve them while they are here !

[stevenstwin]

You are right about why this happens - similar in our scenario. Our son's much younger siblings were put with a foster family (not us). Their grandparents found out about it several months later, and began the process. They live in another state 15 hours away, so the kids were NOT moved until about a month after the TPR!! I think that just made it harder for EVERYONE - the foster parents ended up with them for 15 months. And just for the last little kick in the teeth - the social worker told the grandparents to go pick up the kids, and "forgot" to tell the foster family...so the gp's arrived at their door at 8:00 in the morning, and they didn't even know the kids were leaving that day, or week, or month! They still call the foster parents "mom and dad" and the grandparents are dealing with that by saying "Tom and Laura were LIKE a mom and dad to you, weren't they? We're your mom and dad now." Geez...they're so confused that last time my son talked to them, they asked if HE was their dad!!

Originally Posted by athikers

I understand your reasoning, and if the family lived closer I think they would move them now. However, the home they are going to is FAR from us (5 1/2 hours) and their plan is still reunification... so its hard to do three visits a week with an 11 hour roundtrip drive.

Beyond that, our kiddos do not KNOW these relatives at all... so its not like it would be comforting to them to go home to family. They would be going "home" to strangers, that happen to be related to them. So, I think it IS in the kids best interest to stay with us, at least the little one is bonded to us and for them to go to someone else and try to attach again before knowing whether they'll go home to their bioparents... I think that causes more turmoil for the kids.

I AM supportive of a relatives right to adopt our kiddos and will be as supportive as I can with them whether it happens in three months or nine months or whatever.

[2Tim1seven]

When I read this, I was shocked, that this is a foster to adopt placement. If the state thinks this is headed to TPR, then why are the parents getting visitation 3 times a week? Where I live, even if the parents are doing good, they only get a 1 hour visit per week. Maybe 2-one hour visits, if it's a baby. Are the parents showing up for these visits? Also, it is sad that the state led you to believe it was a slam dunk, when there are relatives willing to adopt. It doesn't sound like their ducks are in a row.

Our sermon on Sunday was about dealing with pain and loss. Our pastor said that sometimes it's better to not say anything and just be a good listener and hold their hands. I'm sorry about your situation... I know your heart aches. ((hugs))

[Hadley2]

Athikers, if RU is truly unlikely, five or six hours isn't a deal breaker, IMO. We are 12 hours from the parents, fd came about 19 months ago (removed almost two years ago), plan was concurrent RU and placement with us for the first 11 months post removal and TPR isn't until next month. The agency offered to pay the parents' expenses for personal visitation (instead of dragging the child back and forth) and we took phone calls (eventually bounced call supervision back to the agency). Although they had no other commitments and could have visited monthly if all went all, they parents still only came once.

So, no, that just doesn't seem to be a good reason.

If the parents are getting visits 3x/week, that is amazing even for a slam-dunk RU, and you say the agency told you the opposite. The signals aren't mixed here, they're polarized. Even in a good situation, that many visits can put enormous strain on the kids--what does their therapist say about it?

I'm glad you're glad they will have their family in the end, but I still think they need them now. Please understand that even if the children don't know these relatives well or at all, they are their family. It makes a difference, a big difference, even to a small child and more so as the children grow. Just take a tour of the adult adoptee boards and the reunion boards--the pain and longing for the lost family can be very real, the life damage real, too. and, of course, why waste all that time and cause all that heartache of leaving you when it is not necessary? Putting them in the relatives' home gives them a foundation either way--even if RU happens, then the family will have a connection with a healthy family resource. In the event of another removal, the transition will be that much easier.

Also--not so much to the op but others who also use these phrases--please understand that the relatives are not "coming out of nowhere," or "the woodwork." Relatives are not bats or vermin. They are coming out of a commendable sense of responsibility and family love. If they could have done something beforehand, they most assuredly would have. Most, however, have no power over the situation until the state steps in and many, understandably if you think about it, may have no idea of the situation until then or later. If no relative ever stepped forward, what would the judgment be then?

Athikers, I hope the agency starts being more honest with you or at least, if it is just incompetence, stops working at cross-purposes with itself. Whatever happens, I wish you and the children the best.

[Withay]

My fd has been with me for 14 months (since the age of 2 days). She started ru unsupervised visits this week. While I have always told myself that she would be going home it still hurts.

While I know that your heart is breaking I would be more concerned if you didn't have these feelings. This shows that you have helped heal these kiddos hearts.

Please know that no matter what happens in their lives that, conciously or not, deep in their souls they will always know how much you love them.

In talking with my brother the other day he told me something that helps so much. He said "God has put angels around this child at his/her birth. No matter where the child lives, his/her angels never leave him/her." God knows what the plans are for this child.

While I would truly love for my fd to stay with me, I know that deep down she will never forget the love I have given her.

You have made an impact in these childrens lives that no one can ever take away. Bless you for caring so much for them.

[athikers]

Where to begin

As to why our children have 3 visits a week, apparently it is mandated by our state because of little man's age. It absolutely IS ridiculous and visit day (as you all know) are horrible - so nearly half our week is shot before you even factor in the behavioral issues of our oldest. The parents are very good about showing up for the visits, and though their behavior used to be quite bad, since the visits were shortened to an hour they go very well most of the time.

As far as the relative search, the kids have been in placement before and no willing relatives have come forward out of the relative searches... so they figured that would be the case again this time around. But, they were not told and did not discover through searching that there was this aunt (she called them after learning about the placement from other relatives). I don't blame the county... they did a relative search immediately after placement and they found no one. They began another since TPR is approaching and I still don't think they found anyone. They simply did not know this woman existed.

Now, back to the original question of "when should the kids be moved to the relative". The more I think about it, the more I agree that perhaps it is just as difficult on the kids to stay with us as it is to go to this relative as soon as possible. If they are going to leave us either way... why have them stay and bond further only to have that broken. At the same time, if ru is still possible, why break another attachment... if they're going home anyway. Another factor is M, who has deplorable (sp?) social skills and does not do well with change would have to switch schools & communities, possibly unnecessarily.

I agree whole-heartedly with hadley about relatives. They are trying to keep their family together and do what they believe is best for the children. In the case of my children's relative, as soon as she knew she stepped up to the plate and said she'd take in both children.

And, lastly, this thread has been nice, it has me thinking about more than how much it is going to STINK when "our" kiddos leave us. Thanks for your support and your opinions.