[twinspirit]

After loosing our foster to adopt baby girl to a very distant relative-the whole situation just stinks of politics and seems unjustafiable-we want to try again for another baby girl. The problem is, how do we ourselves trust the system, but more importantly, how do we do damage control with the family? The family absolutely LOVED alycat. Except for one sister, who kept warning everyone not to get too attached to her. Now she is saying the old "I told you so" bit. Now others are thinking, geez, maybe she was right. Every child deserves to be loved, know security and feel a sense of belonging. And what if it DOES work out, and certain people in the family miss out on the enjoyment of the baby? What if it DOESNT work out and we loose another? Based on your experiences, how do we do damage control with the family and encourage tehm to love the new baby just as much? Do we even have a right to want the family to accept and love her? If they literally want to keep her at arms length, do we accept that and keep praying for the best outcome for our family? Does foster to adopt for a baby even work? I mean really, how could a member of the baby's family would NOT want the baby? Lots of questions I know, but need directiona nd advice. We are based in Alberta Canada. Thanks.

[Bailey071097]

Why are you so worried about extended family's feelings? You can not control their feelings no matter what you do, so do what makes YOU happy!

[sincerely]

We tell our friends' and family (the ones that ask or comment on not getting attached and so on) that NONE of us, that's right, no one is guaranteed a tomorrow, so why not make the best of everyday that we do have.
If the child does not stay with us, then we will surely grieve similar to a death loss. But, we have to rely on our faith that it's God's will. Easier said than done if it's on the loss side of the coin, but something to hang on to.

We have family members on both sides that have lost bio children in tragic deaths, so when we say that, it hits home.

Truly, none of us are guaranteed a tomorrow and I think that having a foster child that you hope to make your forever family, but don't know if that will happen yet is somewhat of a gift. Would you treasure and appreciate each day as much when you don't know if they'll always be in your home? I don't know. I know there are school functions and things that we do that we might otherwise skip or choose to work but make the time to do because it might be the only one or the last one we get to go to. We do fun things that we might otherwise "put off" or never get around to doing, just because we know this might be the only chance we get to do this.
What would our world be like if we all lived this way towards all our family, friends & associates?

[stevenstwin]

I think you nailed it in your original post - "Every child deserves to be loved, know security, and have a sense of belonging." - and that is EXACTLY what I would tell your family. We can't decide not to "love" people until we know if they are ours forever - or we'd never be able to love anyone!

[h518may]

Let your family do as they want, but I bet they can't stay unattached for long. My in-laws tried to not get attached when we got our son at 9 days old, but that didn't last more than a week or two.

And I can say there are infants out there that can be adopted through foster care. Our son came to us at 9 days old and no relatives wanted to raise him. We do have contact with is MGM, but she decided from the start that she did not have the live to raise a newborn. She just wants to be a Grandma, so we allow this for him.

Our baby girl came to us at 3 days old, picked her up from the hospital. We've had the TPR trial, waiting to hear from the judge on termination. But our SW stated that there is no way A is going back to here parents, they just aren't capable of caring for her. So if the judge doesn't grant TPR this time we will do this again. And all her family has been looked into and now one could pass a home study.

So things can workout.

[twinspirit]

I hope and pray things work and the family will discover they CAN open their hearts again. Heaven help us if we loose the next one though. Lets not go there....

Bailey071097, it's important to us to have the support and love of the family. Especially those close to US. I know we do not need their permission or cooperation for us to do what makes us happy, but any child that comes to our home IS essentially their neice/nephew, grandchild, cousin..etc...It's important for a child to be around those who love and accept them, just as its vitally important to not expose them to negative or indifferent "vibes", for lack of a better word. I just think of the situations that our adopted and foster children have come from, and they definately don't need any more indifference of feelings or feelings of rejection. Of course, the bigger network of family and friends who love all the children in the family, the better. I know what you are saying, and we would not stop doing what we believe in just because the family didnt agree. But it's wonderful with support and love.

[mrsred]

First off, you said "how can we put our trust in the system again?" Well, you can't. You never could. but you can put your trust in God.
As for the restof the family loving what ever baby you have... give them time. They may say they are not going to fall in love with the next baby, but how can anyone not fall in love with a baby? Maybe the next one will be the one you will have with you forever. Maybe not, but you will still have an impact by giving the baby a loving start.

[Boulderbabe]

Originally Posted by twinspirit

I know we do not need their permission or cooperation for us to do what makes us happy, but any child that comes to our home IS essentially their neice/nephew, grandchild, cousin..etc...It's important for a child to be around those who love and accept them, just as its vitally important to not expose them to negative or indifferent "vibes", for lack of a better word.

I totally know where you're coming from. We put so much of ourselves and our hearts into each kid who comes into our families, and we want our other family members to do that, too. But, you know, asking people to sign up for that much loss and heartbreak is asking an awful lot. It's a lot for US, much less them.

My own feeling, these days, is that it's okay if my parents and siblings don't immediately count my foster kids as members of the family. As long as they are polite and cordial, and don't show overt favoritism to my son, they don't have to go all ga-ga over the new kid. I know my parents, and as soon as it looks like the kid will be staying, they'll fall head over heels in love. I just have to give them time.

Maybe you could think about giving yoru family time, too?

[bethy724]

I am so glad to see this posting & had the exact problem with my sister. My son came thru foster care at 3 months old & the goal was adoption, but the bios had not relinquished. My sister refused to allow my son to call her "aunt" or her children to consider him a cousin until 2 years later when the adoption was finalized. I will never forgive her. If he were to be taken out of my home -HE would be the most affected. It would have been a great learning experience (of compassion) for her & her children, yet she selfishly put her feelings first. I always reminded her that every child DESERVES a home & family & I was willing to provide it.
Shame on your sister for distancing herself...when did her feelings become more important than an innocent child? How very selfish & unforgivable.