[stevenstwin]

I actually think I'm a little crazy...my feelings are all over the map. One thing I'm having a REALLY hard time with is being low gal on the totem pole...having the darn SW be the final authority for everything. He has to go with FS to sign for his driver's license...he has to give written permission for FS to get a job...he has to give explicit permission for me to have access to records (school/psych) pertaining to FS, etc. Today FS announced he wants to buy a car...well, he has to talk it over with "Darcy" since that's who has to grant permission. FS resents it, since the SW is more or less a faceless entity, and it really bothers me more than it should. I just want to be able to parent this kid like he is really mine! Especially now that parental rights have been terminated and he is never going home. Unfortunately, with adoption off the table, that isn't going to happen - the SW really IS the legal guardian and I really DON'T have any legal rights. It makes me feel so .... I don't know... like someone is always watching and judging and I can't make a move on my own. Obviously with my bio kids I've never had to consider that, and have actually given permission a couple times for something (like sleepovers!) in the past before realizing I'd need permission. So here comes the crazy part...I was so obviously upset about it yesterday that FS was actually hugging me and telling me I could adopt him if it would make things easier. Ugh...I feel awful having inflicted my feelings on him!

[swiftde]

Hmmm. I never realized all that until the therapist told fs tues that all this would happen. She was trying to get him to agree to adoption.

[ca-bigsister]

Would legal guardianship work out? I am the legal guardian to my FD, because she didn't want to be adopted since both bios are alive (one on drugs, one in prison), so I can make all of the decisions.

Maybe that could be an inbetween so that not so many people are making decisions.

I still get fostercare stipend,and still have CW but now we only see her every 6 months and the case with closed with children's court. Still it has been nice having CW around like when biomom gave FD a cell phone (not allowed due to necessity of having all communication monitored).

[stevenstwin]

It works a little differently here in Canada - Private Guardianship is really a lot closer to adoption. It takes the child right out of the system, but does terminate at age 18 - no inheritance rights, no name change. It actually is just about perfect, but it's complicated....Children's Services definitely wants me to do it, but A's therapist recommends against it. A. himself swings back and forth like a pendulum, and of course he has to consent since he's over 12.

[Boulderbabe]

Seriously, if I had to face the prospect of years on end with a SW up my nose, I'd go stark raving mad. The kids are wonderful. The SWs are rude, uncaring, demeaning, and hassling.

I've just finished my recert. and I'm already so pissed off at the SWs I can hardly speak. And I don't have a placement again yet!!

[neema.arezo]

SW can ruin a placement... I know I'm bitter right now but it is true.

[stevenstwin]

LOL - well, I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one having this problem - I was afraid that maybe I just don't "play well with others". In my case it isn't that they are outrageously BAD, but I would rather not have to defer to them on everything. And I think it stresses out my FS, too. He's always really mixed up about who is the victim and who is being punished...now he figures that the SW is going to haunt him forever and take away his OWN children someday.

[stevenstwin]

Yeah, my post directly below was intended for Boulder Babe. But I was thinking of you when I said that mine isn't outrageously bad...now that I've seen how bad they CAN be. :-(

Originally Posted by neema.arezo

SW can ruin a placement... I know I'm bitter right now but it is true.

[AmahMama]

I'm about done with the whole system - not because of the kids - but because of the system. It says the sw can do EVERYTHING but they don't have time to do EVERYTHING for the kids. I just finally - after 4 months of asking - went ahead and got services for my kids that they've needed since placement. Ours are ru w/ adoption as an added (the last jr) goal. I hear all the time about what is supposed to happen - but when does it?

The sw can give permission for the car - but will the sw be there to take care of him when he has an accident and hurts himself. I don't feel the cw's know the kids well enough (since they don't LIVE with them) to make all of their decisions - at least not without a LOT of input from the fp's. And here a 15 minute visit once a month doesn't mean they know anything at all. I realized that when I read the report for the last jr and saw "no known issues"!! I've been begging for months for services for my fd that needs speech, pt, and ot. She was drug exposed so she needs several services!! I just finally made all of the appointments myself and then emailed them to the cw. I get tired of doing my job and hers too.

I feel lower than the low gal on this pole!! LOL

[Boulderbabe]

Originally Posted by stevenstwin

In my case it isn't that they are outrageously BAD, but I would rather not have to defer to them on everything. .

I don't even think they HAVE to be outrageously bad to be bad. It's that they treat us as if we're idiots, incapable of making the simplest judgements about our own homes and our own lives. I am getting to the point of really resenting the fact that they treat me more like a respondent bparent than like a professional member of the team.

I am a grown up. I have my own home, my own life, a Ph.D., and a healthy wonderful son. I do not need a social worker to tell me how to drive, how to discipline my child, how to furnish my house, or where to be when. I am not six years old!!

(So I totally sympathize with your feelings of a loss of control.)

[TexasJingles]

I agree! Here's my take on this ...

Why is it the sw has to approve meds? They are not MD's, they insist the kids have psych. visits and therapist (not complaining about that), but then those same MD's say my child needs X medicine and I can't get it filled until the cwr sends me approval! At times that would take up to 3 days.

My boys have been diagonsed with bi-polar since adoption. They are on meds, and we do see a positive change. Their cwr caught wind of this and told me that kids cannot be diagnosed as bi-polar because their hormones are still changing, etc. Good thing she was already off the case as like I said, we've seen a positive change for both boys.

Same cwr said C doesn't need anything to help her with her depression because she should be depressed due to her being in fostercare. Soooo, I'm supposed to sit by and she my daughter spiral into the darkness? I don't think so!

Oh! One last vent ... cwr knew we were a therapeutic foster home. Both boys needed a therapeutic home. So, when we doing things we had been taught to do (simple things like listen when they wanted to talk/vent about bhome or whatever and be supportive, not take sides, etc), cwr went ballistic. Said we shouldn't be talking to the kids about these things, we should refer them to the therapist. Uh, hello? Of course we did, but I'm not about to tell a grieving child that they have to stop, put their feelings/emotions on hold until we can get ahold of their therapist. Especially since we had been trained to do this.

And believe it or not, we had a fairly decent cwr.

stevenstwin -- don't feel bad. Perhaps A should make a pro and con list about being adopted vs. staying the way it is. Sounds like he's got one for the pro-adoption column right now.

[stevenstwin]

Wow - you just got exactly what I've been feeling - that I'm being treated like one of the "guilty" (for lack of a better word) b-parents that has to be constantly scrutinized. This is something that I would never have had in my own life if I weren't fostering, and it feels very invasive when I know that I haven't done anything wrong and I'm a great parent ;-) Even the homestudy made me squirm...it's a small town so I had to "bare my soul" to people I see frequently, and have them pass judgement on me (and incidentally, I didn't "pass". We were passed to foster, but told that we have to have "family counselling" before we can adopt, because one of my bio children is opposed. I didn't realize that my 13 year old could make decisions for our family on how many children we want to have! Good thing no-one asked her when I was pregnant with her sister .)

Originally Posted by Boulderbabe

I don't even think they HAVE to be outrageously bad to be bad. It's that they treat us as if we're idiots, incapable of making the simplest judgements about our own homes and our own lives. I am getting to the point of really resenting the fact that they treat me more like a respondent bparent than like a professional member of the team.

I am a grown up. I have my own home, my own life, a Ph.D., and a healthy wonderful son. I do not need a social worker to tell me how to drive, how to discipline my child, how to furnish my house, or where to be when. I am not six years old!!

(So I totally sympathize with your feelings of a loss of control.)

[Boulderbabe]

I think that very often, the social workers can't decide if we're "on the team" or clients. They very often treat me as if I were a respondent parent, and I used to be on the Board of Health, which made me their boss!

I recognize that they are in a difficult and delicate position. But treating us as if were were (gasp!) volunteers giving up a ton of time and money to help children, instead of as if we were supplicants begging them for the priviledge of being harrassed by the system would make a HUGE difference.

[misuspotts]

I guess we are very fortunate (actaully I know we are). When I wanted to drop our FS therapist because she wasn't doing any good, our caseworker said"Fine, you're the parents now, it's your decision". And I've never needed approval for anything (including meds), we just have to notify them.

[MomInAL]

Here's another one about CW's having so much say...

Our youngest fs is not circumcised. From what we've gathered, it's simply because bp's didn't bother with having it done at birth and never took care of it later. Well, he has been asking about having it done (HE was the one who brought the subject up!!) ever since he first moved in with us (over 18 months ago now!)

When I would talk to CW about it back then, they said that bp would have to sign for it and since we were headed toward TPR that we should just wait until TPR and then bp wouldn't have to be involved. SO, we waited until TPR and then asked CW about it AGAIN and this time they said that DHR cannot sign for a circumcision procedure (even though they have legal custody it is not their policy to sign for this since it is not medically necessary) and that we would have to wait until we adopted him and THEN we could take care of it ourselves. That wasn't so bad until the adoption stuff all got sidetracked.... but ultimately, the one who has suffered because of it is the child! They should have taken care of it a long time ago.

MomInAL
Married to DH 20 years!
DD 19, DD 17, FS 12, FS 10 (hoping to adopt in 07!)