[neema.arezo]

Ok, FS (14) has been getting physically aggressive with me. I have called SW several times but no calls are returned. This afternoon fs wanted to go outside. It was raining cold and he had a lot of homework - 3 book assignments, 1 report and a test to study for... When I wouldn't let him go outside he started screaming at me so I told him to stay in his room and I walked out. Then he started yelling that he was going to run away and no one would be able to find him. He packed his bags so I paged the sw. She insisted that I let him go to a friend's house and after telling her for 30 minutes that he didn't need to go, I gave up. She said I'll tell him he can go to his friend's house for a little while. But before I handed him the phone I let her know the placement would now be over as I would not keep a child in my home that did not have to follow our rules. She responded by saying he will have to stay with you until we find a placement and you will need to leave him alone and I will tell him to leave you alone! Ever time I try to tell him to do ANYTHING (such as get your cloths ready for school, get your books together, etc.) He yells at me and says "Mrs. ***** told you to leave me alone! Get out of my room!

I have called sw back about the conversation she had with him and asked when she would be able to remove him. She said that he is in no danger so we will find a placement in the next week or two. I'm NOT going to live like this for two weeks or one for that matter.

Does this sound right? Does it take that long to remove a child?

[mrstkg1]

No, you can demand an immediate removal. If you have a hotline or afterhours pager, you can call and demand to have him removed, if you deem that necessary. If not, take him up to the office tomorrow with his belongings and give him to the social worker. Now, understand, this will probably put you on a major s**t list, but if you feel it is really necessary then you can do this. But, perhaps after sleeping on it you might feel differently. Try not to ask in too rash of a way, unless of course you feel like your home or safety is being threatened. I'm so sorry hear that this is happening to you and that this child is having these kinds of issues. Obviously the SW is just wanting to do what is easiest for her at the moment.

Take Care

[twinspirit]

What a horror of a mess you are going thru! Here we have a crisis after hours line. You could certainly call them if after hours. If you havent already, start documenting all the behaviours, threats and your convos with SW's. Next, first thing in the morning even, is email (to leave 'paper' trail) all involved, ie SW CW their supervisors and their managers. You SHOULD be able to access a directory via their web site, if not, then phone and (demand) request the info. In your email, you state your case very clearly and insist on immediate action and review even. You can even reassure them that you are looking out for the welfare of the child, that you are trying to instill life long values and respect, but with interference with ill advice of SW, this will no longer be possible in your home, and perhaps call in a child/youth advocate.

I have NOT been in your situation, and will not profess to know the answers, but just offering a few suggestions. I sincerely wish you best and I hope you keep us informed as to what is happening.......

[stevenstwin]

Oh, this is awful! I can't believe the social worker is behaving this way (or rather, I CAN believe it, but it is outrageous). Are you sure this is what you want, though? I know how much you love him...so I'm wondering if what you really want is to have him stay but with better supports for you. Or has his behaviour progressed to the point where it is no longer manageable? Pm or email me if you want.

[Chancey]

EMAIL!!!! Send it to the CW, supervisor, director, etc. Phone calls for these types of requests are NEVER good.

[neema.arezo]

No, I did not want this but last night he went too far and so did the SW. I was floored when she gave him permission to go against our rules. And now it is terrible at home. FS does not think we can say anything to him and screams at us every time we try to tell him something such as it's time for bed, you need to get your clothes ready for school, you will need to take pencil and paper to school with you... I have no control any longer b/c of what the sw told fs. I'm upset but I cannot have a child living in my home that can do whatever he wants and I'm suppose "to leave him alone". (You just can't tell a 14 year old something like that...)

Originally Posted by stevenstwin

Oh, this is awful! I can't believe the social worker is behaving this way (or rather, I CAN believe it, but it is outrageous). Are you sure this is what you want, though? I know how much you love him...so I'm wondering if what you really want is to have him stay but with better supports for you. Or has his behaviour progressed to the point where it is no longer manageable? Pm or email me if you want.

[stevenstwin]

No, you sure can't. I'm a little surprised by him, though - I wonder if he'll come around? I know when I called our SW after the blow up a few weeks ago, he said "Boys will be boys...this is sure out of character...pretty typical teen stuff actually" and my KID was actually pretty ticked off about that! I'm glad he accepts my right to parent him and resents the SW trying to tell me how to do it, since he knows I know him much better. I'm wondering if a cool down in respite and then taking it up in counselling would help?

[Boulderbabe]

Oh. My. God. If my social worker ever acted that way with me, I'd be dropping the kid, his stuff, and my foster care license off at DCFS the very next day.

We are *volunteers,* for goodness' sake. We are going this to try and help, we're not being paid, and we're giving time and money. They should be kissing our butts, to be honest, not treating us like your SW is treating you.

Talk to her supervisor, tell her to get the kid out, and tell her you refuse to ever work with that SW again. If they can't comply, well....they'll have to find somebody else to abuse.

[kikibrando]

I'd tell the social worker she is welcome to pick him up at his friend's house as well. Had she balked at that, I'd have replied she must have a couch at her home FS could sleep on until they found a placement.

We had a 14 year old last year that was very defiant of me, but not my husband. After 6 weeks, I couldn't take it anymore and was wearing down under the strain of him in our home. The stress made me physically ill with headaches.

We actually went a week straight with this child talking only to my husband and the other kids in the house. It got so bad. Finally, I'd had enough when, at church, he was sitting next to my husband and I at the same table, and I asked him a question. He looked at hubby and said, "Tell that woman I'm not talking to her."

I requested he be moved the next day. Social worker said, "Oh, to be fair, we need to give him more time." (This was the second time we "needed to be fair." I finally stood my ground (with hubby's help) and demanded he be moved IMMEDIATELY. Hubby said he would drop him off with his things if DSS didn't comply. He was gone the next day.

This child needs to leave as neither he nor the social worker respect you, your home, or your family.

[straightblues]

You must remove this child today. Call the social workers supervisor. The situation you are describing is outrageous. Without support, you are opening yourself up to a lot of problems. You have all the responsibilty and none of the power. Get him out of their today. Report the social workers actions to her supervisor, the attorneys, and anyone else involved. Put is all in writing. Then deliver the little guy right to this social workers desk Monday morning.

[stevenstwin]

hmm...we're talking about a child that has been there for a while, and whom I believe she hopes to adopt. I'm not sure that "have him removed" is the best advice we can give. It sounds to me like this situation was mostly created by the darn social worker. He's 14 and confused, and likely to take advantage of that short term. Maybe they can get past it. Maybe dumping him at the office for one "blip" on the radar would just hurt everyone more. Since I don't know the whole situation I'd absolutely support her in having him removed if she feels it is necessary - but I can't help but wonder if we aren't blaming the child for the idiocy of the SW? Sometimes we can work through the tough things and come out stronger...and sometimes we have to recognize that we are beyond our ability to deal with a situation. I'll be thinking of you and hoping that you are able to figure out what is best for you.

[neema.arezo]

Well, FS will be removed Monday morning. I have to say that fs is very disrespectful to women and does not think very much of them. The post by KiKibrando pretty much discribes our situation BUT I would have been (and have been) willing to work with fs on these issues. The final straw was the sw. I will not have someone (an outsider) tell me what is going to happen in my home! SW will NOT make rules for my home when SHE is not the person putting up and working with all of the bad behaviors. SW did not help me get his meds, she would not help me get him into therapy for taking my underwear, she would not stop the vulgar conversations biomom was having with him.... so far she has not helped us in any way and I was willing to deal with this but I will not deal with her overriding the rules in my house! We live in a house where everything must be locked - I had to put a lock on my under garment drwa to keep him out of it (no he is not wearing them).

Since it was 40 something degrees and raining the day she told him he could go outside to a friends house and he came back soaking wet, he is now sick. So I'm the one here taking care of a child that continues to tell me "you are suppose to leave me alone" but it's always followed by "where's my dinner/lunch/breakfast". I could just scream but at the same time I'm sick that this didn't work out.

I have talked to sw's supers and they told me that "sometimes ppl make mistakes".

[neema.arezo]

I absolutely agree that this IS the sw's fault! I would have worked with fs but it went too far... If he stays he will want to call sw everytime he doesn't get his way... She taught him a VERY bad escape route

Originally Posted by stevenstwin

hmm...we're talking about a child that has been there for a while, and whom I believe she hopes to adopt. I'm not sure that "have him removed" is the best advice we can give. It sounds to me like this situation was mostly created by the darn social worker. He's 14 and confused, and likely to take advantage of that short term. Maybe they can get past it. Maybe dumping him at the office for one "blip" on the radar would just hurt everyone more. Since I don't know the whole situation I'd absolutely support her in having him removed if she feels it is necessary - but I can't help but wonder if we aren't blaming the child for the idiocy of the SW? Sometimes we can work through the tough things and come out stronger...and sometimes we have to recognize that we are beyond our ability to deal with a situation. I'll be thinking of you and hoping that you are able to figure out what is best for you.

[stevenstwin]

Hugs to you, M. This must really hurt :-(

[kikibrando]

I'm very sorry for everything you are going through, especially for the disappointment that goes along with a failed placement. I'm sorry the young man doesn't recognize how much you care and are willing to work with him. Your love for him is so obviously strong.


Just a note, our cases are different. You said," Kibrando pretty much discribes our situation BUT I would have been (and have been) willing to work with fs on these issues." Please understand, I was willing to help this young man, but his placement in my home was with the agreement, "if it doesn't work out, I can leave at anytime." This was his stipulation with the social worker, too.

Also, from the moment he arrived, he was busy attempting to recruit other families to foster him, yet allowing our family to buy him new clothing, and telling us he needed more. We had other issues, not to mention his "cuddling," with our teen daughter. Then, when my husband told them doors open at all times when opposite sexed members are in the room (this even applies to siblings in my home), he went off and trashed his room.

The biggest difference in our situation is you so obviously love your son, so this must be tremendously painful for you to experience. I only hope he will get the help he needs. Also, I hope you will not be too hard on yourself.... you didn't fail this child. I think the social worker has failed both of you, especially the boy.

I didn't possess the attachment for my foster son. Though I grieved for the failure of the placement, it wasn't with a sense of loss. It was because I felt I'd failed and it was a mistake accepting the placement to begin with. (We are fostering his older sister, and have had ongoing issues with her.) But, hindsight allows me to see we were a very bad match. Now, when I see him, he hugs me and we joke around. Living together is clearly another issue. His current foster mother has experience with teen boys and she has done a wonderful job with him. I commend her.

Bless you for working so hard to help your son. I'm very sorry the social worker is so wishy-washy. It the end of the day, both you and your son are the ones who've been hurt by this. I hope you will be okay.