[Robin61]

I am 45 my husband is 47. Our fc are 3 and 22 months. It's going to adoption. I am so sick of people asking why do we want to raise kids again. We hear better you then me. Once they are adopted I want them to be ours not the kids we adopted after we raised ours. I know others deal with this I would love to hear others stories. I don't feel ready for a rocker. ROBIN

[FosterSurroBirthMom]

I hate when people say that stuff, this poor kids need us and they didnt have a choice to be born drug addicted, not wanted abused...I feel it is in my destiny to be a foster to adopt parent as well as my husband, we have 3 kids of our own, although they are still young we still want more...I feel until I have that "my family is complete feeling" I will continue on this path!! I hope you blow them out of the water

[Chancey]

What about... "because they need us and can you recommend any better family"?

[stevenstwin]

or maybe..."They are what's keeping us young" ?

[AmyAnne]

"We enjoyed our kids so much we decided to have more."

[twinflana]

How about "well since I did such a great job raising my other children I decided to keep at it" or something like that. Usually when I am out with my babies, it is automatically assumed that they are my grandchildren.

[Batty1]

Maybe when people say, "Better you than me" you could say, "Yes, we are very fortunate". If they ask why you want to raise kids again, you might say, "Why not?" or "Because we love being parents".

[AmahMama]

I had a very scarcastic person ask me once - I said "and what else would you suggest we do with them?" and my tone was like - you think the state should just drop them in the river or something. I've since changed my tactics.
But better yet - take the high road. "They are mine and I love them". . . "Thank the Lord - not all of us are the same" . . . or enlighten them to the plights of 10's of thousands of the US children that have no home, abusive homes, or totally dysfunctional ones. If you can take 1 child out of one of these situations - that is 1 child saved. And it has to start with the first step.

I educate - and many people did not have a good time raising thier children - so they REALLY TRULY don't understand. We are both over 60/50 so we REALLY get some questions. I was asked if grandchildren were coming to visit while checking out my baby food, diapers, tippy cup, and various stocking stuffers, awa a size 2 dress, 18 mo dress, size 2 boys disney suit, and a first christmas pj set. MY reply was just - smiling. . . "Oh, I really do wish they could, they just live way to far away - If you are talking about this stuff - they are for my children". Talk about a jaw dropping!!! And I got my basket and grinned all the way out of the store. Some humor really confuses them!!!

Another poster, quite some time ago suggested "Yes, I guess they (the kids) are fortunate" when comment was better you than me. I thought that was a pretty good one.

[Hadley2]

I really like AmyAnne's response because it covers all bases, makes the point that the children are/will be your children and does so without a presumption of offense.

Again, I am puzzled by why this--someone essentially recognizing and paying homage to your ability to step up to something most people would consider a challenge--is offensive. In so many posts complaining about "what people say," most of what has been said doesn't sound disparaging; quite the opposite, in fact, as they acknowledging that you are doing something that might give them (as lesser beings than you) pause.

Taking on young children in your 40s can be quite a challenge. I know, I gave birth to my dd at 39, almost 40. It certainly was not as easy for me as being a mom at 32. Adding another child basically the same age a few years later hasn't been easy, either. At my mother's funeral (in 2000; she was 79), most of her contemporaries assumed the baby was my grandchild--especially when my niece, then 25, was standing next to us. I didn't take offense, I considered it a reasonable mistake.

I almost don't think the problem is in what people say. I think it's probably more in what they don't say, maybe, that is hurting. We probably want more in the line of "How wonderful! Lucky you to be adding to your family again!" That is, what people would say if we were announcing a pregnancy. Well, fortunately or unfortunately, I can tell you that kind of affirmation is often absent when announcing a late-life pregnancy as well. I heard many "better you than me's" when I had dd. Didn't bother me. Just mentally thought, "thanks, you're probably right."

Maybe I'm selfish or immature, but I actually don't mind the occasional friend who recognizes that I have been dealing with some difficult challenges. I'll share the joys with them, too, but their appreciation is appreciated.

[Barksum]

Ooo, I love the "yes, they are fortunate" comeback. I won't use it, but I like it! I snicker gleefully every time I think of it.

We have people comment to us that we have "too many" kids and are "taking on too much" on a regular basis. People feel free to make suggestions and comments when we have foster and adopted children -- they are socially and politically unpopular so open targets for being viewed as having less value in our society. Foster children are sadly considered "problems" and are less lovable/worthy/etc. than bio children. I can feel my blood pressure rising just thinking about it.

With this view of "problem children" being predominant you can understand why people make disparaging comments about the child and the families who love them. We've had people actually state that they "wouldn't take on someone else's problems". (ie: children born to drug addicts/abusive parents/felons/etc.) Yikes. I've had friends for whom I've lost respect due to comments like these.

Additionally, often children aren't considered to be enjoyable and a blessing to a family; to many, many people they are thought of in the same way as death and taxes - unpleasantly inevitable.

When we get the negative comments we smile and talk about how wonderfully blessed we are to have them in our lives. If people persist, we start talking about the problem of devaluing people (foster children) and allowing the most vulnerable in our society to be abused by the system, then go on to talk about advocacy, becoming CASA workers or other avenues where they can help without becoming foster parents.... Usually people start back-pedalling somewhere around the "you could help by..." part of the conversation.

[fourbeauties94]

Today at the store one of the employees who saw me with my seven kids said that she did not envy me but if I was happy with my life that was fine. I told her I was very happy and that I am glad the children are mine and not hers. I think her chin was still on the floor when I turned around and walked away.

[straightblues]

How about "because I am a much better parent than the crack prostitute that had them and use to beat them and not feed them" That should shut them up pretty good.

[Shelley]

For a long time I thought I owed people an explaination about our choices and family size. (6 children, 2 of whom are adopted) Now I don't. If I get the looks or comments I don't say anything, just a little knowing smile on my face, Like I have a secret and go on my way. But if you feel the need to say something and you get the comment "Better you than me" I vote for the comment "Yes they are better off with me, than you." Then walk away as they pick their jaw up off the floor.
I think the thing to remember is a lot of people don't think before they speak, I know I don't always do it. So sometimes they say things that didn't come out right and is offensive. I think if we give people the benefit of the doubt, reads- their ignorance in foster/adoption, we find out that most of the time being rude is not their intent, just curiousity. There are those occassions when a person is just flat out mean, and it's hard to keep your mouth shut, espcially when your children are with you. It's hard to not get into a spitting contest with someone like that. But if our children are with us, don't we need to set an example of how to act in a situation like that? I get the comment "Boy you have your hands full" and it's not always said with admiration, My response? "Yes they are, full of love." Then I paste that knowing smile on my face, and walk away. Shelley Mom to 6

[misuspotts]

We hear similar comments - our bio children are 18 and 15, pre-adoptives are 7,5, and 3 - but generally in a positive way. As in, "I'm impressed that you are taking this on, because I know I could never do it." I'm 45, but it just feels right. My dad made a comment about us being to old to do this (although he's glad we are and tells everyone we're doing a good job with it). I reminded him that I'm the same age my mom was when my younger sister was 3! ANd that was 40 years ago. I don't "feel" 45, know what I mean?

[misuspotts]

My mom was "older" when my younger sister and I were born - I have three older sisblings, 2 were teens when we were born. She has told that she would get so made when people thought we were grandchildren. The oldest grandchild is actually only 18 months younger than my sister, and I know that is not unusual. I guess becuase I lok younger than 45, I've never gotten that. (It probably also helps that we are different races.....) My mom also always said that we kept her young (or at least involved in younger activities).