[momof6plus]

We just had a fc rev. board meeting and it went well. The board commended us for helping the kids so much and they are thriving in our care. They told the cw to switch to concurrent planning as the birth parents have made no progress in 7mos. At no time has anybody asked us if we were even interested in adopting these kids. Are they just assuming we want to because we are taking good care of them? The little one is very bonded and has lost bonds with bp due to lack of visits. The older one just assumes that if they are adopted it will be by us, (he has mentioned it several times.). I don't know what to say when he says that so I just say well your parents are still trying to get you back or something to that effect. We have no desire to adopt these kids and I actually can't wait for them to be out of my home. I know that sounds terrible but I am so burnt out and fed up with the whole thing. The behaviors drive me absolutely batty and sometimes I know I am being grouchy at Everyone around me just because of the things that those 2 are doing. I try so hard not to show it but it just comes out that I grouch at everybody. They never go on visits and I never get a break. Should I just come out and tell the cw that we don't want to adopt and suggest she move them to a home that would do a legal risk adoption? I would love to call her up and say we are turning in our fc license before I lose my mind. My kids are getting burnt out on all this too. They are making sacrafices and now that the kids have been here 7 mos. they act like they "deserve" more than my own kids. I try to make everything fair but the fk act like they should get more of everything and have become very greedy and grabby. This is part of the reason that I am sick of having them here.
I am just worried that they will stay until TPR'd in August and then stay until adopted which could be forever. What should I do??? We are definately quitting foster care after this group leaves. I don't want to put my family through any more. Burnt out!

[mrstkg1]

Hello,

Wow, you have done such a great thing hanging in there with these children.

My opinion is that it would be best for the children to be moved to an adoptive family as soon as it is positive that they won't go back to their parents. From your post, it doesn't sound like you are quite there yet. Concurrent planning doesn't mean they are automatically going to be adopted, just that they are going to have a Plan B.

The goal needs to be legally changed to adoption first and the parental rights need to be terminated first.

If you are at your wits end though, I would let the SW know that you are happy that the children are getting closer to having a permanent family, but that your family is not that family. The fact that you will adopt the children is not assumed. Just let them know that you would appreciate them looking for a pre-adoptive home for the kids.

The only thing to avoid IMO is the children being moved more than one more time. Moving is very damaging to the kids.

God bless you.

[Chancey]

Hi Momof6 -

Your story sounds VERY similar to our recent placement. We had two kiddos that were extremely hard for us to handle for seven months. They went to a relative in November and we took a break and won't go back on the available list until after the first of the year. We were soooooo fed up with them and their behaviors and felt like we could not foster any more.

Well.... almost two months with only our bio child and a great 'vacation from problems with kiddos' we are feeling re-invigorated and ready to take fosters again.

My suggestion would be to make it clear that you will not adopt ASAP and suggest they be moved to a legal risk home. Take a little break for yourselves and see what you feel like after a certain amount of time.

Best of luck to you!!

[AmahMama]

We take a "break" after every placement. We also use our respite. how old are the fk's. Can you sit down and flat out tell them that you do not plan to adopt but that they will remain welcome in your home until an a new placement is found. And that the stingy, greedy, nasty behaviors are not appreciated - and they aren't making any points by doing this. I explain to my older fk's that this is MY house. For the time being it is their home. We have rules and standards. These must be met.

Altho, sometimes when fk's "know" OR feel that "something is up" they get more attention demanding, greedier, more overwhelming, and let's face it, so much harder to keep. With Bio not providing for emothional needs - they may be demanding material things to fill the void. Address this with the therapist. It is a common substutution. Even I do it. I don't get some support that Ifeel that my DH shoudl've provided - I go shopping. Last time I bought a golf cart. I don't golf. . . . lol

My fk is 4. he has a 5 day turnaround after bio's visit. Oh, and yes she makes it to every visit. SO, we changed the visits to double the time every 2 weeks. That way we get more than 2 days of releif from his "after visit behaviors".

Concurrent goal is not the same as concurrent placement. It just means that the cs should be looking at both ru and adoption concurrently - not focusing on ru any longer.

BLess you for all you've done with them. I find that many times when children leave - I'm ready for them to move on. They can be very demanding. . . . more that those who say "I could never give them up, I don't know how you do it". They also don't deal wth the frustrations we do.

Best of luck - take a vacation -

[momof6plus]

When we first jumped into this fc thing I felt like if I had a kid for a while I could never be one to "give them up" but now that I have done this for a while I am ready for them to go, go, go! I do care a lot for them especially the little one (4yo) and I do worry about where they will go but I just don't want it to be with me anymore. It's hard to explain but in a way I feel like I want my "own" kids back. My youngest is 2yo, I can't spend time with them the way I used to and our lives have changed in several ways that are not positive for us. We have molded our lives around the lives and problems of these fks and for temp that is ok. I feel like we have helped them a lot and now I feel confident that they should move on.