[abermarm]

I have a question I hope that someone can help me with. My dd has made a friend at school who is in foster care. The little girl (10) at first told my dd that her grandmother buys her anything she wants. Then she said her father died in May. Then she said that she was in foster care because her mom and dad drank and smoked too much. Then she said she couldn't wait to be adopted. Then she said she was adopted by her foster parents who hit her and make her work all the time. This is over a period of maybe 2 months, maybe a little less. My dd says she gets emotional and starts to cry when she talks about this.

So, here is my question..........there are some holes in her stories, and I do know that kids who have been abused/negleted may make up or exagerate stories to get attention. But, I don't like the idea that she might be getting abused or taken advantaged of. I told my dd to tell her friend to talk to the social work about this, and in the meantime I would try to get to know the foster mother and see what 'vibe' I get from her (over a period of time, of course).

Good plan? Bad plan? Any advice on how I should proceed would be greatly appreciated!! I also want to say that my ason was in foster care (overseas) and I have nothing but respect for all of you ----- I don't think I have that sort of mental and emotional strength to do what you guys do on a daily basis. Thank you!!!

[stevenstwin]

Originally Posted by abermarm

I have a question I hope that someone can help me with. My dd has made a friend at school who is in foster care. The little girl (10) at first told my dd that her grandmother buys her anything she wants. Then she said her father died in May. Then she said that she was in foster care because her mom and dad drank and smoked too much. Then she said she couldn't wait to be adopted. Then she said she was adopted by her foster parents who hit her and make her work all the time. This is over a period of maybe 2 months, maybe a little less. My dd says she gets emotional and starts to cry when she talks about this.

So, here is my question..........there are some holes in her stories, and I do know that kids who have been abused/negleted may make up or exagerate stories to get attention. But, I don't like the idea that she might be getting abused or taken advantaged of. I told my dd to tell her friend to talk to the social work about this, and in the meantime I would try to get to know the foster mother and see what 'vibe' I get from her (over a period of time, of course).

Good plan? Bad plan? Any advice on how I should proceed would be greatly appreciated!! I also want to say that my ason was in foster care (overseas) and I have nothing but respect for all of you ----- I don't think I have that sort of mental and emotional strength to do what you guys do on a daily basis. Thank you!!!

Yes, that's a tough one. On the one hand, we HAVE to be very alert to any chance of abuse, and report anything that could possibly be legitimate. On the other hand - kids with trauma DO make up stories all the time, and kids with attachment disorders can pretty much be EXPECTED to tell strangers and casual aquaintances how badly they are (supposedly) being treated at home. And I'd caution that even a gut feeling or "vibe" might not be all that accurate. Can you give her social worker a call and lay it out just like you told us - not sure if there is any basis for concern, but could she please look into it?

[jackiesbooks]

ALL of my foster children have had problems with telling the truth! I appears that she has told some lies, BUT If you really think she is been hit, you need to report it. Maybe you can start by seeing how many holes are in the other stories. Ask her what
chores she does at home. If she can go in detail about the chores and they seem extreme for her age, then maybe the working is correct. What has Grand mother bought her? how often do you see her? If asking her these questions, if she appears to be telling the truth, report the beatings.

I have had CWs that were on top of our house and did regular inspections and I have had CWs that NEVER came to my house.

[abermarm]

Thanks, Stevenstwin and Jackie for your input!

My dd told me today that her friend told her that she is not allowed to sit on the couch as a form of punishment (but didn't say why she was being punished). I called her FM to invite the girl to come over tomorrow and the FM said no, she has visitation with her father. So, there are definately discrepencies in her stories.

I feel badly for her, and so upset at the system! I've no idea how long she has been in foster care, or what her story is, but its a darn shame that there are any children in her position!!!

OK, off the soapbox.......thanks again for all your help.

[echobunny89]

Its a tough call. My previous foster child came from a foster home that was abusive. There are good foster parents and there a bad foster parents. I'd try to talk with the child like the above posters said and see if what she says makes sense.

On the other hand, I also have had a foster child who would make up stories so she could be the center of attention. This child went to school and told the school SW that I wasn't feeding her and that she was forced to go hungry all the time. This of course was completly untrue as my kitchen has an open door policy. My kids can eat what they want, when they want, within reason of course. This same child also called her bio-family and made up stories about how we were abusing her, how we locked her in her room 24/7, how she had to sneak out in the middle of the night to get food ect ect.

Like I said, its a tough call. You don't NOT want to believe them but on the same hand you need to be aware that these kids do make this stuff up to get attention. The child you are speaking about may indeed love to see your daughter get all wriled up and so every story she tells gets alittle more crazy. Is the child telling other people these same stories or just you daughter?

[DianeS]

Originally Posted by abermarm

... she is not allowed to sit on the couch as a form of punishment (but didn't say why she was being punished).

Just FYI - most experts in the "difficult child" discipline area recommend the consequence of not sitting on fabric seats for children who refuse to get off said fabric seat to use the bathroom. Just one possibility for what might be going on.

Another possibility for another of the things she said is that this girl may have been taught to call multiple men "father". A bio-father, a step-father, a foster father, possibly a couple others thrown in.

Etc. You get the idea. Before coming into foster care, most of these children have experienced horrors we can barely imagine, and as a result they have behaviors and survival skills we can barely imagine either. This child is obviously hurting. Since you feel led to help her, I hope you and the foster mother can work together to help her heal.

[echobunny89]

Originally Posted by DianeS

Just FYI - most experts in the "difficult child" discipline area recommend the consequence of not sitting on fabric seats for children who refuse to get off said fabric seat to use the bathroom.

I've seen this method used first hand in a group home. Its pretty common for foster children to have all kinds of "potty" problems. I remember one therapist saying it had to do with feeling out of control. Since they could not control what was going on around them sometimes they lose control of what was going on inside them (ie bed wetting, soiling pants ect). One of my foster children had this problem and she was 10 yrs old.

[swanzie]

I personally think that some of these stories are just that - stories. It is a way for the fk to avoid the truth - kind of a fantasy land - like someday their mom is going to come and get them and they are going to live in a castle have a horse and life happily ever after. My little one has been telling kids at school her bmom is dead. Shocked the crap out of me - as this has never been talked about at home - just how much she loves her and that she wants the best and that my fd can write to her anytime she wants. But this is what she is telling her little friends. I guess it is a way to cope.

i think you have a pretty good plan - I think getting to know the fp's is a good way to find out what is really going on.