[MomInAL]

Has anyone ever been through this? We had a sibling group of 3 (girl 16, two boys 11 and 10) that TPR'd last January and we have been working toward adoption. We were actually supposed to sign papers in August but due to our worker having a maternity leave, we were supposed to sign this coming Tuesday (Nov. 7th). The 16 yo decided that she does not want to be adopted after all, and they have moved her to a girls home. All in all this is a positive thing as I really do not feel she was ever happy in our home, but rather just "acted" happy because she knew this was a good fit for her brothers and they are thriving and doing well here with us.

Well, when they met with us to tell us she was going to move out, they also said they were putting the adoption of the boys on hold. I figured probably for 6 months or so until they get through this new adjustment and then we could go on with the adoption. But no, they are saying that we will probably have to wait until sister graduates or ages out of care (which will be either 3 1/2 or 4 1/2 years) before we can now adopt the boys!! The boys came home devestated. They keep asking why they can't be adopted just because she doesn't want to be adopted!

If we have to wait the long term - the boys will be 15 and 16 years old before we could adopt! In their case I think this would be very harmful. Birth Mom is deceased and Birth Dad has had nothing to do with them for nearly 2 years now. They are VERY attached to DH and the past 2 days have been difficult trying to give them a reason why they can't be adopted - especially since it doesn't even make sense to me!!

CW has told us that they will be in long term foster care with us either until their sister ages out of care or possibly until they age out of care. They are not going to move them, but they will not let us adopt at this time. No specific reason given. The worker was out on Friday, but I'm going to call Monday to see if I can get any further answers. If anyone has experienced this I'd love to get your insight!!

MomInAL
Married to DH 20 years 11/29!
BD 19, BD 17, FS 11, FS 10 (siblings - hoping to adopt!)

[AmahMama]

Do they have an attorney or a Guardian ad Lidem? SOmething should be able to be done!! There is no sense in leaving the boys "afloat" because sis isn't ready to be happy. Are you sure this isn't an attention thing by sis? She is able to Stop everything for everyone at her whim. There may be a deeper issue to this. I'd go over heads until I got to the gov'ner's office if I had to. The newspapers love little items like this also!!

[stevenstwin]

This makes no sense to me, either! There are some very valid reasons for long term care rather than adoption, but not in the case of them WANTING to be adopted. I'd like to know how their sister feels about it - does SHE have an objection to them being adopted? No legal advice - but I WOULD stress to the boys that you are still a family, you are mom and dad, and they are your forever, no matter whether or not they have the little piece of paper to prove it. (I know it's so much more than that...but still. My friend has an adult foster brother and sister. They are now in their 20's - they were long term and never adopted, but they even legally changed their last names to the family name when they were able to! So they are a part of that family in every REAL way).

[MomInAL]

This is just all so confusing. I don't understand why the adoption part has changed for the boys, and I surely can't explain it to them! They have both been overly clingy all weekend. I sat between the boys in church this morning and they both had to hold my hand or be touching me all through the service. They are not vocalizing their fears right now, but you can definately tell by their actions that they are scared about what's going to happen to them. We are of course assuring them they are not going to go anywhere, and they are a part of our family, but DH and I still have questions in our mind as to WHY dhr pulled the plug on their adoption.

I do have a good relationship with the GAL for the kids and I will try to get in touch with him soon. I'm thinking of setting up an appointment for the boys and just let them go and ask him their questions and tell him what they've been telling us! Then HE can go to bat on their behalf with DHR.....

MomInAL
Married to DH 20 years 11/29!
BD 19, BD 17, FS 11, FS 10 (siblings - still hoping to adopt!!)

[MomInAL]

I talked with the supervisor at DHR today and she told me that the reason we cannot adopt the boys is because they cannot guarantee their sister will have visitation rights if we adopt, so we can't. She also said the state said they should remove all three kids from our home since we didn't want to adopt all three of them. I asked her straight out if in the states eyes it would have been better for us to go through with the adoption (even knowing in our hearts that the oldest was not happy with it) and not say anything and then let the problems come up later after they had already been adopted?!?!?!? I guess maybe in their eyes that's better because since it happens after adoption the state doesn't think they're responsible any more? Who knows!

I did call the GAL and he was not aware of any of these changes in their case. He is calling DHR to find out the details and the boys are going to talk to him this afternoon. Maybe he can make some sense of it all and help calm the boys down some.

MomInAL
Married to DH 20 years 11/29
BD 19, BD 17, FS 11, FS 10

[hubbyswife]

wow... I just don't get how that's in the best interest of the child(ren) which is suppose to be what the state is there for.

I'm sooo sorry to hear this.... hugs to you and the boys

[callismom]

I had a child placed in my home for the purpose of adoption and I was called a month later to ask if I would consider long term care instead. The one thing that really stuck with me was: she has an older brother who is now with his paternal grandmother and he basically took care of her until the removal at 4 years old for her. I thought he could become 18 and then request custody of her - he is a very nice and mature young man so I could picture him wanting to do this. If it is just long term care any family member can come forward and ask for custody. I decided I didn't want to deal with that and told them no - but I only had her for a month and was not so emotionally involved yet. They changed the goal to TPR and it is in trial now so we will see what happens.

[MomInAL]

I feel like we're being punished for being honest about what was going on with her as far as the adoption. It's very frustrating to say the least. And tomorrow is going to be hard for me - it's the day we were supposed to sign the papers for the adoption.

MomInAL

[stevenstwin]

Originally Posted by MomInAL

I feel like we're being punished for being honest about what was going on with her as far as the adoption. It's very frustrating to say the least. And tomorrow is going to be hard for me - it's the day we were supposed to sign the papers for the adoption.

MomInAL

I think you are right, to an extent. But I DO see the point about visitation - if they let you adopt, most states will NOT guaranteel the sister's right to access...and so (theoretically), you could deny that to her at any time. I don't know what the solution for that part is.