[momof6plus]

I requested that one of the sibs be moved 10 days ago. CW informed me that the bps moved to find work and so they were moving all three sibs. In the mean time I still have the problem kid and may have to keep him for another 8 weeks before they are able to find a home for all 3. I am furious. First of all I asked that he be moved because he is a threat to the toddlers and I am sick of his constant screaming and tantrums, he has hurt my 2yo and constantly abuses his 4yo sib. CW told me she could move him and keep him in the school district. In iowa they have 10 days to move kids, but what if they don't?? Dh wants to leave him on the CW desk! Second, I am angry that they are willing to yank the others out of school inthe mid. of the year and make them start over when bd hasn't even gotten past his 30 day probation on new job. BP don't have a car and have only been out of treatment for 2 weeks, bd says too busy working to go to aftercare etc... why cater to parents when they show no promise? I made up my mind that this would be last placement I can't stand the system and have been frustrated with CW from day one. The Provider gave me the "we don't want to lose you speech" and in our conv. I told her that we originally wanted to adopt a young child. She said that if I had workers that know us and like us (like her) that we could get a baby. Babies go to people who have people on the inside and hook them up with the cw. Of course I got excited about the prospect of having a baby and getting to adopt it. I am scared of getting really attached and then having to send it home, I would be devastated! Should I just get out of the system while I can or should I stick it out and pray for a little baby? I don't want any more heartache.

[kikibrando]

How old is the child in question? We recently had a similar situation in which the child was a threat to our other children. When she didn't get her way with another child or there was conflict, she became physically aggressive. Once, she choked my daughter and tried to push her down the stairs. Another, she grabbed my three-year-old's leg and tried to drag him off a trampoline. She decided it was her turn, and that was that. Then, she wrestled my one-year-old for a rattle. In this case, the child was almost ten and certainly old enough to know the difference.

If safety is a concern, DSS should make a point of moving this child, regardless of the inconvenience to the CW. It also seems a good case in point for sibling separation so he might receive more supervision and treatment (which happened in my foster daughter's case).

You have the right to safety, and peace, in your home, especially for little ones who cannot speak for themselves and are most vulnerable. Caseworkers aren't the ones living in these situations 24/7, so they don't deal with the stress of physically aggressive children. I've even had one caseworker tell me, "I hand it to you, I wouldn't adopt one of THESE kids!" (This wasn't my current agency.)

Please call you caseworker Monday morning and tell her you want him removed NOW. Tell them they have to move him by Tuesday or you will bring him to them with his things packed and ready to go. If she doesn't take you seriously, have your husband call. I've been through this with two children, both of whom presented safety issues in my home. The first time, it took my husband calling the social worker and her supervisor before they bothered to have him moved.

I have been too nice where DSS is concerned and learned the hard way. They will leave this child in placement until you push it.

[momof6plus]

He will be 9 next month. Will they move him even though they will ALL 3 be moved soon? CW hopes to have all 3 moved before Christmas. I had to really suck it up to get the nerve to ask for him to be moved and then cw pulls this one. She told me she could NOT move just one, had to be all or none. She tried to talk me into keeping him and starting him on therapy I said no. I made appt. and will have to take him if he doesn't get moved. CW asked what meds. he is on? He is not on any. He should be. Then a week later when I called to see what she was doing she tells me that the bp are moving out of town and all 3 sibs will go to be closer to them. I have days that I am sad to see them go, even the one in question and I also have days that if there was a big "eject" button available I would push it for all 3! Does anybody else have these feelings?

[Chancey]

Calling is good, but following up with EMAIL is best so that you have documentation that you want him moved by X date.

[AmahMama]

Don't take all of their threats seriously (CW's). They don't have an unlimited number of homes that can or will take 3 children. If you want the one moved, stick to your guns, and I use e-mail to follow up on telephone conversations. It is time and date stamped. I also "cc" the supervisor. In one case I even cc'd the director at the state level so they knew just what kind of crap the cw's think they can pull and get away with. If the child is a threat - they need to remove him NOW. Not after we have more bad press about the "lack of supervision" type crap about the superhumans that elect to become fosters.

I got an earfull from my bmom because she thinks I should transport all of her kids to the treatment center she is in instead of her cw bringing her up to a park where the kids are for visits. The cw's can't transport the kids because there are to many of them and they are all in car seats. One has been very ill and I feel like we drive far enough as it is.

I'm in a "rant" frame of mind right now. We don't seem to do anything right no matter how hard we try. We take the "problems" that will become our future generation, do our best to overcome the crap that has been their history, and we get crap because we don't do enough. Do I have it about right?

[stevenstwin]

I agree with the above. They will always try to get you to keep them "just a little longer". I know it would be "ideal" for them to move all three together, but if it isn't working for YOU, then they HAVE to do it in the state-mandated 10 days. And yes, I WOULD take him and his packed bags to the CW's office on that last day if they don't do it properly. I just hope they DO do it right, so it doesn't traumatize him any more than necessary! These poor kids - it breaks my heart because I know that even the ones who act out outrageously are the victims here, but we CAN'T save them all, and some just aren't able to function in a regular home :-(

[momof6plus]

Yes, that is about right. I feel like they will tell me they can not move him because they are looking for a home closer to parents that can take all three. I don't like to make waves and I guess I feel like a door mat sometimes. I hate to move him twice too but I am going crazy with this kid.

I also got a letter today from the school nurse saying that the 2 older kids did not have immunization records in their file. Now I have to call the CW again and ask about that. Cw expects me to take care of all that but the dr.s office won't release medical info. this is what I hate. Why don't we as foster parents have more "power" to get the things done that we are expected to do. Especially since the cws are so busy and don't want to hassle with all that stuff. I know she will say the bps are gone out of town until 2 weeks for next visit and "she" can't authorize anything. Cw won't even authorize for Title 1 reading for the 9 yo who can't read. I gave the teacher her ph. # so they could call and request that she sign papers and she told them she could not because it was a volitle (sp) situation with the parents and something about a lawsuit. When I asked cw about it she acted like I was stupid for not bringing papers to visit for mom to sign, when cw had the papers the whole time.

[mijojosmom]

We only take 3 and under. Our local DHS is well aware of this and yet one day about 6 months ago they called desperately looking for a home for a 10 year old girl.
We thought about it for a week and decided to take her. We make a committment to all of our kids that they will stay with us until they are RU or A. We did not make that promise to this little girl...and I was so glad we didn't.
After just 7 days in our home it became clear that she was way to aggressive with our 2 year old and our 6 month old baby. We became extra vigilent, but the day that she stood right in front of me and dropped my 6 month old from a standing position straight to the floor (she was not allowed to hold her, but I went to the bathroom and came back to find her spinning around the room with the baby...I was shocked she got ahold of her so fast...I had run to the bathroom and was back out within 1-2 minutes).
THAT day I called DHS and informed them that she needed to be moved NOW and they said...ok let me work on it and I will get back to you tommorrow. I was so upset I called my husband at work. He called me back within minutes and told me it had been taken care of. Apparently he called the CW and told her that if the child was still at our house when he got home from work, he would call the police and have them come get her. Believe me...she was not there when he got home.
I was extremely worried that they would write us off and never call us for a placement again.
The next week I was called and asked to speak on the foster parent panel at the new foster/adopt classes. I was thrilled...that night I gave my story about what had happened and DHS used it as a way to teach the newbies that we don't have to put up with dangerous situations in our house.
That was 6 months ago...2 months ago we got our newest placement...a beautiful but seriously abused 2 year old.
We were almost ready to call it quits, but if you have good workers, they will be understanding.
I think it also helps that we live in a very small town with only about 40 foster families in our entire county.

[vernellinnj]

If you are not strong minded , the CWs will walk all over you. At the outset (when I decided to become a FP), I told myself that fostering was a volunteer ministry. If and when I decide a child must leave - I mean just that- they must leave. Where appropriate, I give the 10 day notice but if I say a child has to be moved today - I expect them to be moved today.

Don't let them guilt/shame/scare you into keeping a placement. FPs are not plentiful and they will call you for other placements.

And, it's impossibe for a cw to say that an infant (or any FC) will definitely go to adoption. They simply do not know and in this process anything can happen.

I met a FP last month who picked up her FD from the hospital at 4 days old. This precious child was reunited with her family at the age of 4!!!!!

If you really think you cannot handle the heartache of a baby being returned, I suggest you wait for a child that is "straight adoption" - one who already has been TPRd.

Good luck - stay encouraged!

[momof6plus]

Thank you all so much for being there for me! I am thinking that on Mon. morning I will tell worker that he has to be removed, the 10 days was up on Sat. If she tells me again that she cannot move just one then I will call her bluff. If I don't get any more calls then that's ok I am thinking of other ways that I can help and not have to drag my family through the mud too. Maybe CASA or just fix up gift bags to give to foster homes in the area? I always buy gifts of the angel trees at Christmas time and really that is more satisfying than this whole journey has been for me. Maybe I will look on the listing sites of kids already TPRd. I think I am too emotional for foster parenting. My husband thinks its all cut and dried just move him and I am like wah, I don't want to lose the other 2 yet.

[kikibrando]

I knew I'd adopt someday, but never guessed we would actually "foster" kids.

We became foster parents solely for the intent of adoption, and made this plain when we took training. Our goal was to foster-to-adopt only those children whose goal had changed to adoption or had minimal risk. So far, we have been blessed with a beautiful little boy we learned about six months before we were licensed. His case was slated toward TPR and that happened February 2005.

We have had Ben's sister since birth and praying that goes to TPR. So far, that's the goal, but we are dealing with a biological relative who also wants S. Until then, it looked very promising it would go as smoothly as these things can.

Along the way, I have been convinced to do respite for a boy who was RAD, a teen with way more needs than I could handle, and tried to adopt a nine-year-old with RAD symptoms.

There are so many kids in the system that need a good mom and dad, I'd encourage not to give up over this one situation. There are a lot of kids legally free. If your open to the challenges of transracial adoption, many, many, many more children are in need of homes.

My son, Ben, was 2 when we adopted him. In many cases, children of color wait for homes longer than caucasian chlidren. My son and his sister are biracial. My middle son and daughters are African-American. In all cases, we had no issues with their placement and waited significantly less time for their arrival than other families have been waiting.

If your willing to adopt a sibling group, there are younger children often times. Check Texas and Oregon, as they have wonderful listings.

Good luck and don't give up! Not every family is meant to care for every child, and not every family fits every child. You haven't failed, this just doesn't sound like it was a good match for anyone.

[momof6plus]

Monday a.m. I called the cw's supervisor (don't have the email addy) told her that I was really upset to still have the child that I had asked to be removed 14 days ago (IA mandate 10days). She told me that they were working on it because sibs could not be split saying it was a state mandate that there had to be evidence that one was causing great harm to the others. I stated that I had told the cw repeatedly about the hitting, kicking, screaming, exposing himself to younger sib, talking about sex to younger sib, scratching and punching older sib, pushing and screaming at my 2yo, kneeing 2yo in stomach etc... She said we don't have enough info. to move just one. She told me she would talk to cw, tell her to expedite the move but that homes were few and far between. She would try to get them moved by the end of the week and could not promise anything. Supervisor told me to take him to his appt. today and he would get meds. and that would "take the edge off" I said it's only his first visit and he will only see a therapist not the dr. She told me that the way they do it now is that he will get meds today. So I drove all the way to the school to pick him up, drove him all the way to town to the appt. only to find that the cw had NOT gotten permission to treat forms signed so I had to take him back to school all for nothing. BP have custody and they are in another town so nobody can sign the freakin' papers.

Cw gave my CELL PHONE number to BP to call the kids once a week. Thanks. I think they tried to call last night because it was a number out of area and it was an hour after the kids had been asleep.

We have decided that we will not be doing fc any more because this was such an awful experience. I understand that the worker we have sucks and some are nice but I am not willing to take the chance. I am so depressed right now because I just want that kid out of my house and they keep blowing me off. I am trying to get the courage up to tell cw to move them on Friday or I will bring them to the office with all their stuff. I am wondering if there are any reprocussions to an act like that. I don't want to get into trouble but she is not doing her job and is taking advantage of us. I don't want to make the kids feel bad either but I have to look out for my own first.

[stevenstwin]

The only possible "repercussion" to doing that is that it makes them mad, and so they don't want to place anymore kids with you. Well, you don't want any more, anyway, so that's not much of a threat! Legally they HAVE to take those kids, if you gave the mandated notice. (I do understand how you feel, though - I'd probably take a lot of crap and abuse before making waves, myself. It's just my non-confrontational personality - and I think a lot of women suffer from it!)

[echobunny89]

Boy o boy! I went throught the same thing having a child removed. I begged for months for help from DCYF because the child was getting out of control. I don't know how bad it is in your home right now but if you catch the child doing something dangerous and you don't feel you can control the child/situation than call the police. Thats what I had to do to get one of my foster children out of my house. The situation deteriorated for months and the child was becoming more violent and aggressive with each passing day. You would have to read my past posts to get the full story because I would have to write a book to tell you what went on. The last straw was when she tried to pull a kitchen knife on my son. I called the police who came within minutes. They called a rescue and had her taken to the children's hosp. who transferred her to a children's mental hosp. Once she was out of the house at the hosp. I told the CW's supervisor that the child was not allowed to come back to my house and that was that. Granted my family was the talk of the street for the next week because of all the commotion with the police and rescue but its was what I had to do to get this child out of my house. The CW just wouldn't move on it until I forced the issue. Oh, and this child was 10 and my son was 9 at the time.

[echobunny89]

One more thing. Even though I probably upset the CW, I'm still getting calls about taking more kids!