[Mkuhlmann06]

Ive been lurking around here for sometime now, but never really had my own story to post... until now. (THIS IS LONG).

Two days before our 2nd home visit, I got a call from my agency wanting to know if we'd be interested in a 7yr old boy placement. She gave me all the details and I talked it over with DH - we thought it would be a great match and accepted it. So SW came Thursday 26th did safety check and 2nd visit, followed by a visit with FS. We had dinner at the house and went trick or treating. We told SW on Friday we would accept FS and scheduled to take him Tuesday the 31st.

Quick history on FS (in care for 7 months, has multiple siblings but that in of itself is a long story, first place disrupted w/2 of his siblings after 3 months due to domestic violence in foster home, then moved to another home w/2 of his siblings and that was disrupted b/c family couldn't handle going from 1 to 4 kids, so he was placed w/1 sibling in respite home). They were looking to move him from that home to a permanent place and separate him from his sister for the better of both of them and b/c his sister has some special needs that need to be addressed. So we were home #4 in 7 months.

On Sunday the 29th he apparently threw such a temper tantrum police were called to the house, things were smashed/broken, etc. My agency called me Monday morning and asked if we still wanted to take him and advised that he was telling current FM that he was going to our house that day. So we agreed to take him Monday night. Tuesday he got picked up and sent to his old school for his last day. Tuesday night went pretty ok. Wednesday he was home all day while waiting for new school to pick up the transfer. Wed DH took morning shift and I took afternoon shift so we could each work. During morning FS had pee'd all over bathroom wall, floor, toilet... his consequence was to help DH clean bathroom. He did this no problem (he has no problem cleaning up his messes as a consequence). He did have therapy that morning. Wednesday night we had another bad tantrum (hitting, kicking, biting, punching me - throwing things, broke lights, rull length mirror, etc). (He didn't want to go in the house and stop playing w/boy outside when I told him running in street was not ok - also we had to get ready for a vet apt for our dog). He calmed down after 45 mins - it was a LONG 45 mins. I had to keep him from hurting the animals (he had animals in previous placements. (My agency as a 24hr person on call, so was on phone w/her for most of it to make sure I was handling everything ok - she said I was great and couldn't of asked me to handle it better than I did). Rest of Wed night not much problem (and we talked about the tantrum - he said from now on he'll beat the snot out of his pilloe). He did help clean up the mess from the tantrum.

Thursday started new school. Thursday homework ended up having issues and throwing another (VERY SMALL in comparison) tantrum. We don't think anyone ever made him do any homework, especially reading and his old school didnt have him on any IEP or special services. I have a teacher conference on the 7th and we're going to talk about getting him evaluated.

Its now Friday and DH and I are wondering if we're really ready to do this and what we got ourselves into. On the whole, FS is really a great boy - he does have some good manners and behaviors and is sweet and loving... affectionate too. But I do know he calls each FM he's had "mom"...including me. From hour 1.

We have him on a reward sytem: 20 chips = reward. He loves the reward system and really likes the rewards in the "prize box" as he calls it. They are placed in a see through container and location he can see all the time. He has chores and rules and he earns chips for them.

DH and I are just feeling really bad that we're so worn down and tired already... and I feel extremely bad that Im not looking forward to the weekend. DH is working most of it. We've spent a lot of one on one time with FS, playing games and doing various activities. But he hasn't been able to find a way to keep himself occupied - he doesnt have the attention span to watch tv or movie for 15mins (which is ok by us normally, but it would be nice to be able to do a few little things around the house).

Thanks for letting me vent... we know once he realizes he really isn't going to be moved again and begins to trust us, his behavior will improve. He's just been through so much in such a short time.

[jen1mac]

Is he in attachment therapy? A good attachment therapist can do wonders for these kids. Our fd has attachment issues and the earlier you get help the better. Also a good book to read is When Love is Not Enough. Hang in there! It does get better but sometimes it takes a while. We have had our fd for a year and she is completely different.

[AmyAnne]

Eventually it will get better. But, I hate to tell you this... it will get worse before it gets better. I recommend you seek an attachment therapist ASAP and you read the book "Parenting with Love and Logic" as well as the book "Attaching in Adoption".

My son was placed with me at age 7. We suffered through (and survived!) tantrums, peeing inappropriately, calling the police, nearly disrupting the placement at least 5 times, locking our pets up, suspension from school, power struggles, public tantrums, running away from me in public.... you name it.

[eternaloptimist]

Hi, I'm sorry that you're feeling so worn down. Some thoughts I had : your new son has some good indicators,in that he will willingly clean up his messes,and that he seems to be in touch with his emotions. Moving into your home and starting a new school must have been so stressful for him. Calling every female caregiver "mom" was a bit of a red flag,maybe an attachment therapist should be consulted ? To answer your question, "tell me it get's a bit easier?", IMO yes,it does. But is hard,hard work. I do believe that without attachment, nothing else can be accomplished. Best of luck to you and your dh, do you have a support system,like maybe a foster parent support group locally ? Hope you feel better soon. Elizabeth.

[Mkuhlmann06]

Thanks for the replies!

I don't believe its attachment therapy... he has 1 hr a week with a therapist within our agency. They've advise us we are welcome to sit in on the sessions. The therapist told my DH they are working through the anger of the first disrupted placement (they promised him he would be staying there forever, that they loved and cared for him, and even after they moved that they would be getting them back, etc). Of course his initial reason for coming into foster care is physcial&sexual abuse. I have a team meeting (county work, agency worker, CASA, etc) scheduled for Nov 29th in our home. I will make sure my agency worker is aware that Ill ask for attachment therapy. Where can I look to find an attachment therapist in our area? (We're in PA). Do most take medicaid?

As for the books, thanks for the suggestions. I had put most of them on my "xmas list" from reading earlier posts since we weren't expecting a placement for some time...since we weren't even done being certified. I will make sure to get them sooner then later.

As for a support system - the FM that he just came from that still has his 2 siblings is willing to take him for a night or weekend to give us breaks. But right now I don't want to just drop him off and have him believe he'll just keep being bounced between places. Plus its only our first week. He does have some good indicators (which gives us hope) and the mom thing put a major red flag up with me even at the preplacement visit. He calls everyone mom, but "mommy" only to the first FM. He still asks if he can email her or see her sometimes. He does lie - a lot. Previous FM says he always blamed things on other siblings. Now he doesnt have that out. And DH and I talk constantly and share stories to make sure we catch any lies. He has been caught in a few lies, so I know we need to watch this very closely.

If there is anything else I should be looking for, Im all ears!

[AmyAnne]

Where in PA are you? Just curious.

[Mkuhlmann06]

Harrisburg

[kxl164]

I think what you are feeling is normal, it is a huge life change to have a child, let alone a 7 year old foster child with mulitiple placements.

In training they should have told you to expect to feel this way and given you ways to get help in your community. You can always also ask the SW for therapy for yourselves as well as fs.

Good Luck, it takes time for things to settle in, it took us at least 4 months before things were OK enough to breathe, not to scare you, but honestly we didn't even notice how rough it was until it got better.

[twinflana]

if you go to the special needs forum and go to reactive attachment disorder thread they should be able to tell you where to look for attachment therapist and give you some very good hints on how to help your foster son. I would definately sit in on therapy. You need to teach him how to trust and love you and dh and many of these children become good manipulators and dont always tell the therapists the truth.

[DianeScraps]

Hang in there - I agree it will probably get worse before it gets better too

Be honest with the therapists and ask for suggestions. Educate yourself on things like safety holds and types of therapy

One thing that helped me was focusing on one 'issue' at a time. When that is gone / improved then move on to another.

My oldest, now 8, had also never really been held accountable for schoolwork and such. It was ROUGH. We went on a zero tolerance rule for anything related to schoolwork - in and out of school. With HUGE kudos to her for things she did right (for us that included making sure she answered all of her questions on her tests, bringing home homework book, etc)

Also kids this age in foster care are wise wayyyy beyond there years. They have seen a lot. Talk with the child. Be as honest and upfront at as possible. Listen & do your best not to be shocked (at least in front of them) by what they tell you.

I am only about 2 hours from Harrisburg, feel free to PM me!

Diane

[DianeScraps]

BTW IMHO

At 7 the child doesn't 'help' clean the bathroom, he does it. With direction of course (and supervison so it doesn't become worse then it started)

[AmyAnne]

Well wait, Diane, where in PA are YOU? I just moved to PHilly!

[coachmur]

I just wanted to reply to this because we are in a very similar situation. We were our fd's fourth foster home in six months. She acted a lot like your son. I think some of it is a big test to see just what your reaction will be. What can he do to make you mad, and if you get mad will you move him again. Of course it is going to be very hard for him to trust you in anything because face it, adults have let him down his whole life. Not only in his life with bps but in foster homes also. We never tell a child he will stay with us forever, or for any length of time for that matter.
As for attatchent issues I would say he is very definately RAD. Not many kids in care that come from those severe situations aren't RAD. Get him to a good attachment therapist ASAP. I believe in the ones that make you go to therapy with the child. Our therapist suggested that I put our fd to bed everyday. That would be our time of special bonding. Of course we have other kids in the home and much of my time is taken up with care of all the kids so bedtime is a time for only fd. We do the same thing every night. What you do is up to you but it should include cuddling and interaction. Make sure when you talk to him that he maintains eye contact. Very hard for RAD kids. I had to start by putting my hands on her cheeks and making her look into my eyes. We read, talk the day over and end with prayer. For a seven year old I would suggest maybe a game like trouble, uno or something age appropriate. The most important thing to remember is the eye contact. It was explained to me that these kids probably were never held and cuddled as babies and usually when babies are held and cuddled their mom looks into their eyes and a connection is made. That connection is very important to proper brain development. Is can be healed but as mentioned many times in this thread it takes a lot of time and work. Read the thread about attachments and the books mentioned. Another one is by Daniel Hughes. I can't remember the exact title but it is something like Building the Bonds of attachment. It reads like a novel but is based on true cases.

It is important to remember a couple things when dealing with RAD kids. First of all routines are very important, second, they will try and get you angry by doing outrageous things. It is important not to "lose it" at them because then they can justify their feelings about themselves. Usually they feel like they are bad kids. If they can make you angry it justifies those feelings and makes them feel in control of the situation. Think about the situations in his life where he has had no control (i.e sexual and physical abuse) and you will understand his need to be in control. Usually we teach our children to be independant but with RAD kids we have to teach them to be dependant on us. A new concept for the majority. Try and always be the one in charge. I hesitate to say this but most of the time charts and reward systems don't work for RAD kids.
Sorry if this seems disjointed and hard to understand. It does get better. It won't be long and you will feel the difference in the way he calls you mom. It will become real. Keep up the hard work.

[jackiesbooks]

What is his plan? Does he have family visits? sibling visits?

I am also about 2 hours away but in MD. Good Luck!

[Mkuhlmann06]

Just an update and a few responses:

He has no problem with eye contact, we read and/or play a game every night before bed. We have a routine and stick to it. He gets ALOT of encouragement for every thing he does right. Even after the bad behavior, when he does things right he still earns chips. He doesn't get chips taken away for the tantrums.

We had another major tantrum last night. Spoke with my agency again during it. It seems to be similar times each day. Morning he's a wonderful great child... mid day not bad either... and bedtime isn't bad at all. He showers, dresses, gets into car seats, goes to school, etc all with no hassle or argument. After his tantrums he's very hungry. Last night he had two bowls of pasta, mashed potatoes and some steak. The other day he had his tantrum, as soon as he was done he wanted dinner. Im wondering if there's not something else causing this (blood sugar?). His teeth are really bad from eating so much candy. He doesnt get candy, sugary juices, soda or anything like that in our house. His snacks are usually sugar free pudding, apples, bananas, peaches, yogurt, etc.

Last night on phone with SW they want to get him tested for medication - but I just don't know if that's what he needs. DH is working all weekend, so it'll mainly be me and FS. Ive been keeping a journal on everything to see if we can find a pattern. Yesterday tantrum started b/c he was playing w/a girl and we needed to go home.

Technically his plan is RU - however, they don't feel there's a chance he'll ever be RU. There are a total of 6 siblings - one dead (suspicious death), different child was suffocated at 3 months old (and lived), oldest sibling (12) was abused. BioM's bf is going on trial for these things in 2 months. They haven't charged her b/c they want her as a witness. Oldest is already TPR'd and is RAD. The youngest was born in May and living with another family. The kids have different fathers. BioM has stopped visits - she hasn't requested to start them back up. Our FS only knows 2 of the siblings and those 2 are with his previous FM. We were waiting for things to settled down to start the visits with them. FS BioDad is actually in jail for stuff as well. He's already sentenced and won't be getting out at anytime.

DH came home last night finding red spots on my face, neck and head... and additional dents in walls and more smashed toys. I think this tantrum has pushed his patience too far - he's already pushing hismelf away from FS... so Im sort of caught in the middle. The dogs received some of the brunt of FS last night - getting things thrown at them (they are only 8 and 10 lbs) and being chased. So they are terrified of FS.

So far so good today.... hopefully we'll get through the next two days ok.. if not, I don't think FS can stay and DH and I are feeling REALLY REALLY guilty about that. We know this will only cause more hurt, distrust, pain to FS and we feel awful about it.