[wish41more]

My friends husband was at a b-day party where a few people know me. He over heard 2 moms saying (in a snotty way) how they didn't know how my dh would coach a baseball team for my son with triplets at home. Then the other one says, "That's not even the half of it, they has "their" son AND a "foster child" to take care of"!!!!! I'm really upset by this! First of all, I would NEVER call G a "foster child". He's my son! I'm more upset though because I know we'll have to deal with a life time of stupid stupid people labeling our children. I can just see it now. Our oldest will be labeled "ours" G will be labeled "adopted" and the babies will be "ivf babies"! UGH! I hate people!

[hubbyswife]

People suck sometimes....

[stevenstwin]

Sorry that happened! There are a LOT of ignorant people out there, but I still choose to believe they are in the minority. I've got an acquaintance I'm taking a course with - she has 12 bio children, pretty much all in a row. Some of the other people in the class made comments - I'm sure they didn't mean to be "rude", but they were - expressing their shock and amazement. My favourite was "where the heck do they all sleep??" to which my friend said "in beds, like everyone else " (but she told me she WANTED to say "we stack 'em in the closet" LOL So I guess the bottom line is that people WILL make comments about any family a little out of the ordinary, and we can't do much about it...except vent to our friends :-)

[kaylasmom]

I have never understood people who are so rude. I have come to see that they are not worth my time or thought's.

My dad over heard a lady from our church refer to my fosterson whom we will be adopting ( didn't know we were at the time) call him our foster son, my dad looked at her and said, that is not my daughters foster son, nor my foster grandson but her SON, and MY grandson. Please don't ever refer to him in any other way again.

People don't realise that those words can and will hurt the children, to be made to fill that they are add on's, and not a real part of our family.

Every child we bring into are home is a part of the family, no matter how long they stay.

I'm sorry there rude women hurt you, just remember ppl like that don';t have the compasty to love or understand like we do, usually they are selfcentered people, who give's nothing, expects everything, and has no idea why people foster, adopt, oe anything else. Don't let small minded people get to you. there not worth the time, or energy.

[straightblues]

Along lifes road you find out who are and are not your friends. It time to let those two go. There are plenty of great people in the world get out there and find them.

Don't ever introduce your children as adopted or foster child. Make sure your other children do either. Never ever do it and people will follow your lead. If they make a mistake, correct them quickly and it will all go away soon enough.

[TexasJingles]

I can soooo relate!

My youngest has behavior problems at school, so we've had many meetings on how to help him, as well as his class. Last Spring, one of the "team" found out that my step-daughter comes to stay with us for the summer and she has mental challenges and is mildly autistic. Her comment of "You poor woman!" literally shocked me!

WHAT?!?! Even thinking about it know makes me angry. I don't have to tell any of you what it's like, but man!

Hang in there!

[momof6plus]

I can also relate to how people can be insensitive jerks. we are new to fp and when we took in a sib group of 3 that made 6 boys. My landlord has been a very cruel person ever since then and has been trying to make life miserable. We were planning on buying a house anyway but had to rush into it because we could not wait to get away from her. She still tells anybody who will listen how we think we are running a home for boys or something. We also have 3 older boys from dh 1st marriage and 3 grandsons. She tells people that everything was fine until we got those foster kids and she just knows they will tear up the house. Oh yea, and we are just doing it for the money too! LOL When I hear somebody make a comment about our kids I just smile and know that they must be very unhappy with theri own life to say things like that and they only wish that they could be as nice and caring and loving as a foster parent.

[momof6plus]

PS the 3 older and the 3 grandkids do NOT live with us.

[Hadley2]

I don't know, a lot of what gets vented about here (other threads, too) as far as things people say just wouldn't and don't bother me that much. When people are amazed or make a comment trying to capture their surprise about a large family, it is usually meant in admiring awe, I think. Likewise comments made about taking on foster kids or managing special needs, or multiple births, etc.

I say, vent away, if that is the first need on hearing such things, and then think "hmmm, what if I took the notion that most people are well intended and re-heard the comment through that filter?" Most of the "horribly rude" remarks might melt away into idle, harmless social chatter. Some comments may be truly malicious, but most aren't. For myself, when I react badly, I usually on reflection realize that I was being hypersensitive for some reason--that is, my reaction told me a lot more about myself than the other person.

Not to mention, but these reactions are often to hearsay, even hearsay reported by a loved one is not really reliable--now you are hearing with another person's ears, someone who didn't hear the whole conversation, who heard something out of context (it is always out of context if not originally intended for you), who may have his own sensitivies or defensiveness in play, who isn't into "mom chat" in any case, and who may not know the difference between "snotty" inflections and emphatic speech, etc.

And--sorry, but really, the OP DOES have a full plate! Dad WILL be busy with triplets at home. How could he not be? Life will change. Most moms have only handled one addition at a time--three DOES boggle the mind. Hard to avoid as a subject. This family is like a quilt, lovingly pieced and made.

Maybe none of us should ever talk about anyone else ever, but I don't see that happening soon. Talking about our own and others' lives is one way of learning how to deal with life generally and is also an age-old, universal way of social bonding. Yes, it is distressing if it gets to the point where the kids are hearing it and that is wrong, but it's also true that once the newness wears off, so does the conversation.

[wish41more]

Thanks everyone for posting!
Hadley, I happen to know 1 of the ladies that was talking about us and there's no doubt in my mind that she was saying it just to gossip and be rude. It's her character and that's how she's always been. Yes, bringing 3 babies into our family is going to be total chaos! However, I have a lot of help (including a full time nanny) and coaching a t-ball team takes all of about 3 hrs a week.

[tvs4]

ok, i'm going to be a decenting voice on this but I don't think it is wrong to introduce some children as foster children (i think once adopted it is different). As a foster mom, I have 2 that are 2 - one is my bio daughter and one a foster son, one white and one black. Clearly they are not both my bio children. If I don't clarify people assume my FS is adopted - which isn't true and will ask adoption questions. If I kindly say to people this is my daughter and my foster son I don't think that is wrong. my experience is that it often opens conversations to explain (briefly) about foster care and advocate for children in foster care. I always speak kindly but give little information of my FS parents or why he is in foster care(when asked about them). I tell them we are fortunate to have him in our house and leave it at that.
Growing up, my parents were also foster parents and I had MANY foster brothers and sisters so I know as a child how hard it can be to explain to others (teachers, classmates, etc) that someone is a foster brother or sister. It is hard to do it without using the term "foster". I think it is really the tone in how you set the conversation (that of love and respect for the child) rather than using the terms foster son, brother, sister, etc that makes the difference.

I know people will disagree but I still don't think it is wrong to sometimes clarify that a child is a foster child.

[Maura_H]

Instead of them wasting so much hot air being so snotty, they should be blown away by your philosophy of life. A fufilling life is in GIVING, not TAKING. My guess is that they pale in comparison to you.