[uboe42]

My wife and I have just been through the most horrible experience with foster parenting and vow to never do it again. After months of waiting we finally received a call to come to a meeting about an infant child with cystic fibrosis. I can’t tell you how excited we were as the foster service provider kept making hints how this child will defiantly be coming up for adoption. Well we were on pins and needles for a month when Friday evening out of the blue they told us our home was a good match and asked us to pick him up. This child was the cutest baby boy you have ever seen. You would not have thought he had anything wrong with him to look at him. He did have a gastro tube for feeding, which was a little strange to use at first but we got the hang of it really quickly. They gave us a brief run down of the child’s condition and the extra care we needed to take. The caseworker explained how the bios have not been taking him to the doctor or properly caring for his disease. She basically let us to believe that these bio parents were complete trash, which of course we believed without question.

It was a rough weekend for us the infant was 8 months old and spent most of the time crying. We expected this, as he would be around totally new people and a new environment. By Sunday evening he had a really bad cough, cold, and started a fever, so Monday we made an appointment with his regular pediatrician. We saw his doctor and he was incredibly rude. He gave us a prescription for some antibiotics, but I couldn’t help but think, no wonder the parents didn’t want to bring their child to the doctor he was simply a jerk. Well on the way out were casually talking with the main nurse, and my wife (who loves to make a fuss) started fussing about how the bio parents didn’t bring the child to the doctor. His nurse then totally went off on us. She told us that the parents brought him in literally every month, and have never missed an appointment. She told us he was here less than a week ago. The doctor was so upset with us because he was called the day he was removed from the home and was literally screaming at the caseworker, telling her they were making a mistake. Well we just left feeling like dirt, confused, not knowing who to believe, or what was actually going on. We asked the caseworker about this and she suddenly had to get off the phone, yea right.

Tuesday comes along and we have a scheduled visitation with the bio parents. We get a call from the foster service working telling us to bring everything he was being returned to the parents. We were totally crushed; we of course fell in love with this child. When we arrived at the office my wife and I saw a normal clean-cut couple at the front desk. It was really freaky; they looked the exact same age as my wife and I. When they saw us come in they immediately started bawling and asking out their baby. These were the parents! This couple looked like us, they could have been us. They weren’t the horrible parents that were described to us by the caseworker. The caseworker had done nothing but lie to us, and we still have no idea why. I can’t tell you how low I felt that day. Both my wife and I felt as if we were accomplices to kidnapping. I’m telling you I still get chills when I think about that look I got from the mom and dad. It was a look that just said “I” stole their baby. It was quite an intense reunion. Parents overcome with all this emotion, even me and my wife both were crying. I just sat there watching the caseworker talk with her fake smile and cold, cheery attitude about everything, and basically saying, “sorry we took you baby, we thought you might have been deadbeats”. Well she asked us to step down the hall to her office and I said no, never again and took my wife’s hand and walked out.

[bumpkin]

Oh my gosh, what an awful story. Tragic for all invovled, the bios, your and your wife and the baby. Whenever I read these, it just is so nonsensical? Why would the CW do that? why wouldn't they send the baby to a short term foster placement until they know what the situation was.

I am so sorry that you feel like you cannot continue to foster. Perhaps in time that will change, but whether it does or not. YOu should write a letter and/or call some authority to complain about how you were treated.

That's just awful. I wish you the very best of luck.

[twinflana]

I am so sorry that your first placement went so terribly wrong. Also sorry to hear that you dont want to foster again, loving and caring parents are needed so desparately for these children. Yes sometimes the caseworkers do not tell the truth but in my experience those caseworkers are the few and you can refuse to take a placement that has that person assigned to the case. Have you thought about what good you did for the baby in the short period you had him. If they had not been able to find a foster family that baby would have had to stay at the hospital or a group home and would not have gotten the love and one on one attention you showed him. I really hope you reconsider your decision to quit because loving foster parents are needed so desparately and obviously you really care about the children.

[straightblues]

That is an awful situation. I wish I could say it doesn't happen that often but I have heard similar stories. Foster Care is a tough business. As foster parents we see a lot of it and have very little control. Foster parenting is both wonderful and horrible all at the same time. It sounds like to me you experienced both sides within a week.

[stevenstwin]

I am so sorry you had your heart broken over this! I have to say, though, that I wouldn't be so quick to assume that the bio parents are good parents just because they LOOKED like it. I mean, what does a bad parent look like? Plenty of terrible ones "present" pretty well, and there may have been valid reasons for removing the child - he may even come back into care again at some point. I hope that "YOUR" child finds you, somehow, as it sounds like you are an amazing couple with a lot of love to give.

[jackiesbooks]

You have a right to be very upset at the CW. She was extremely unprofessional. I would probably report her to her supervisor.
BUT the system did work. The CW did not remove this child. Child protection services did. They can not just remove a child for no reason. The reason appears to be incorrect, but the good news is the system worked and worked FAST. We do not always see this. If my foster children went back to good parents, I would be very happy.

In my opinion, do not believe everything the CW says. I normally wait and make my own opinions about the birth parents. Do they appear at visits? court hearings? are the children's medical needs being taken care of - etc.

Give yourself some time to reflect, but you did exactly what foster parents are suppose to. Take good care of children until they can be returned to their parents. Bre happy that he is going back to good parents!

also, whenever I take my foster kids to someone that their parents took the child too (doctor/dentist, etc), I play stupid about the parents. I do not mention the parents and answer no questions about them. I have ocassionally ask when the last time the office has seen the child, but that is it. I am not the reason the child was removed, so I try to be nuetral.

[Scarlett_A.]

Originally Posted by jackiesbooks

Do they appear at visits? court hearings? are the children's medical needs being taken care of - etc.

He did say that the Dr. told them that the parents had brought the child in regularly as they should have.

This is a horrifying story to read, and it should scare the beejeebus out of every single parent out there. There are a LOT of parents being accused of neglecting their child, and children wrongfully being taken from them in EVERY state. DCFS gets bonuses and kickbacks for each "available" child that gets adopted. Don't think for a second that it isn't a business.......it absolutely is. In my state right now there is a frightening case of a DCFS worker and his own son being wrongfully taken from him, he has had to fight the very system he has invested himself in. His child was returned but not without a big, huge, messy and painful legal battle that went all the way to the Supreme Court.
I am sorry to hear about your experience, and I hope you will consider putting it to good use. There are ways to change legislation so that children aren't wrongfully taken from their parents. Something definitely should be done.

[2Tim1seven]

We had a similar experience with our first placement. I was really upset over the whole situation. I was hurt, disappointed, embarrassed.....etc. I felt just like you, ready to give up. Several close friends (including my husband) agreed we shouldn't quit without giving it one more try. About a week later we took our second placement and have had nothing but wonderful experiences since then. We've had a total of four placements (5 children) so far. I even wanted to say, that the placement worker called us, and apologized for her part in the mishap. Foster care has been a very rewarding experience for us. I'm thankful we gave it another chance, just think what we could have missed out on! Please give yourself a few days to heal, pray about it, and reconsider.

[AmahMama]

Please don't condem the whole barrel for that one bad experience!! Like was posted above, the CW didn't remove the child. And the cw also only has the info fed to her by the Protective Services worker.

No system is perfect and no one is without some sort of prejudice (or preference). With foster care - bad or non- parents are the norm. And they come in all shapes, sizes, colors, careers, and don't wear any signs at all so we know who they are. But in this case the safeguards did work. The child was in a kind, loving home until the case was sorted out and decided (hopefully) in the child's best interest. That is what FOSTER CARE is all about. The temporary caring and loving a child that is unlucky enough to need to be taken from thier home.

You sound like good, kind, compassionate, and empathetic people - maybe you could give it another try - and just don't plan the wedding until you get done dating. That's just a hint that I got from a long-time foster parent right after I started fostering.

And my own pearl. When you are listening to the CW - take the info with a ton of salt. In other words, remember, even the CW's don't know everything :~)

[uboe42]

I have been reading up on what some of you posted about kickbacks and such, mainly the adoption insentive bonus. The state gets $6,000 for every child, some states offer bonus checks, or vacation time to their workers. This system is just crazy!!! There is no way we can be apart of this. We just felt so bad for these parents. We are now looking at becomine CASA volenteers, hopfully we can help some people from inside the system. Our focus has changed from helping children, to helping the entire family!

[crick]

It's not a perfect system by any means...but I don't agree that it's a business for cw's simply to get money.

The system fails us in many ways and a way to help kids who truly need families be adopted is to unfortunately provide an incentive for Cw's and the states to work hard to do just that. We have over 100,000 kids in foster care and while I don't have the actual statistics of how many are legally free for adoption, it's A LOT. For these kids, languishing in the system who need homes...it's in theory a way to accomplish that.

As we've seen by the OP's experience and others, we know that the system isn't perfect and just like any other job, there are people working in this field that shouldn't be. But overall...I think most of the time, the states really do have the best interest of the child in mind and try to do their jobs to the best of their ability.

[~*Max*~]

Originally Posted by uboe42

I have been reading up on what some of you posted about kickbacks and such, mainly the adoption insentive bonus. The state gets $6,000 for every child, some states offer bonus checks, or vacation time to their workers. This system is just crazy!!! There is no way we can be apart of this. We just felt so bad for these parents. We are now looking at becomine CASA volenteers, hopfully we can help some people from inside the system. Our focus has changed from helping children, to helping the entire family!

Foster parents are helping the entire family, whether or not the family chooses to acknowledge it.

[dadfor2]

Foster parents are helping the entire family, whether or not the family chooses to acknowledge it.

i couldnt agree more max.


but i do have a question for uboe42. It just struke me odd that you would come to a 'foster support' forum, but spit all over the system.

I'm sure when you were in your classes, they told you that the goal was having the child placed back with bioparents.

Im really not sure why you went out of your way to join a site for fostering support, only to spit on the foster system.

"sorry we took you baby, we thought you might have been deadbeats”.

i just find that very odd for a SW to say this to the parents.

any child removed due to abuse or neglect, isnt as easy as you might think. who reported the couple in the first place?

someone had to say something, SW's are looking for children...there are usually reports of neglect/abuse and then the paperwork starts...

I'm not saying this didnt happen, but this is NOT the norm by any stretch of the word.

what a horrible first time experience...

but i dont think it was the system that failed or to blame, if what you write is true, then it was some family member who is at fault. the one who called in the allegations....

[uboe42]

You are correct dadfor2,

I defiantly am in the wrong forum. From my short experience the system needs to be bashed, it needs to be spit on. It needs to be fixed. I myself cannot be apart of something like this. I feel I was so easily manipulated to help break a family apart.

If there was some vindictive family member who first reported this family, shouldn’t there be some positive proof of neglect BEFORE placing the child in foster family. Why put a family and infant through all this separation anxiety if it wasn’t necessary. I just can’t imagine why they would take a child saying the parents did not bringing him to the doc, when the nurse tells us the family never missed a visit, and the doctor yelled at the social working about making a mistake.

Sorry none of this seems right. We were taught that reunification with the family is the main goal. But honestly we did hope to adopt. Hindsight I think that was slightly selfish for us.

Now that I have read over more posts from other people I realize that this is not the place for a person like me. If the goal of a foster parent is to provide temporary placement of children in need, until they can be returned to the parents, why is there so much celebration of a TPR. I know we loose a big part of our lives when the children are returned to the bio’s. But seeing as how that is the goal, shouldn’t that be a cause for celebration. When the bio’s get their act together or fix whatever problems there might be and the family is reunited. Why is breaking up a family a cause for celebration. Before I get seriously bashed on here let me please point out that some things with the bio’s I honestly believe cannot be fixed. In the case of physical abuse, sexual abuse, yes a TPR is a good thing. But poverty, and even drug abuse are correctable problems.

Bye all,
Hopefully my short time here has opened some eyes, and corrected some tunnel vision. Even more hopefully some of you will ask yourselves if you were really doing this for the children, or have you been doing this for yourselves.

[dadfor2]

From my short experience the system needs to be bashed, it needs to be spit on. It needs to be fixed. I myself cannot be apart of something like this. I feel I was so easily manipulated to help break a family apart.

not sure why you think you broke a family apart, the baby was only placed with you for a very short time. Unless i missed something.

You have alot of anger towards the system, and im not really understanding why. From what you wrote, the baby was placed with you to keep safe, which you did, and then from what you wrote, the allegations were not found and the baby was placed back with parents.

though i understand how hard that it is, but wouldnt it be better to be safe then sorry when it comes to children.

were you pre-adoptive parents, or foster parents?


Hopefully my short time here has opened some eyes, and corrected some tunnel vision. Even more hopefully some of you will ask yourselves if you were really doing this for the children, or have you been doing this for yourselves.

foster parents are doing it for the children, because you should see what some of these chidlren bring to the families. It is not pleasant.

Its a very hard job to take care of children that were abused and neglected. But they do it because they love children. why else would they do it? for the money?....lol.

they can get paid more for working at the library putting books on the shelf, and its very quiet.

so no, i dont think they are doing it for themselves.....

as for tunnell vision...i believe you wrote that you are totally new to this foster stuff. I also belive that some people arent cut out for it, it is heartwretching...

I know i had 'tunnell vision' when i first started, but when my kids finally got here, i had no choice but to take my rose colored glassess off.

Im sorry you had a bad experience, but i would think you would be glad that the baby was back with the family.....the ones that looked like you and your wife.