[Forever_family]

Uboe,

I am also getting out of foster care for personal reasons but I have to say that you have mis-judged almost all the regular contributors to this forum. You have had one experience while many of the people here are seasonsed foster parents who have seen the ugliness that drug abuse, neglect, physical abuse, and sexual abuse can inflict on a child. You are by no means and expert on this. I know CPS does not go out of its way to take children from parents. THey are overwhelmed as it is. I had several emergency placements go immediatly home after CW worked very hard to remove them. 2 of these infants had life threatning injuries infliced by the adults living in the home they were returned to. In my opinion it should be easier to remove infants. It is true that you had a bad experience but don't you agree if an infants life is the risk factor it is best to play on the safe side? Having been to the infant ICU and held a baby who's skull was smashed in by one of her birth parents I for one beleive it is better to err on the side of caution.

I have just finished the reunification process after having our foster baby for the last 7 months. This was a process that involved EVERYONE to help this mom get her life together to parent her son. It has been a successful reunion but it takes all that a foster parent/family has to love a child as their own and then let them go. YOu have not had to do this and are not in a position to blanket judge the people here who have done this. Was it hard to say goodbye to him? Yes! Did he need to be in care? Yes! His mom was incarcerated because of illegal activity.

I feel SW's beleive in adoption becuase they know that people (for the most part) don't change and it becomes a cycle that never ends, the same families having children who enter care and go home again, enter care and go home agen then they have children who are having children abusing/neglecting..the same cycle of abuse over and over again UNLESS it can be stopped. Adoption is a very effective way to stop the cycle of abuse. This is WHY TPR is celebrated.

There are many reasons children are placed and many loving foster homes perform and invaluable a service we as a society should be grateful for. No, it is not for everyone but for those who are strong enough to do this time and time again I have nothing but good to say about them and you should be ashamed of yourself for implying and making blanket judgments.

[~*Max*~]

Sugarfoots, the GOAL of foster care can change over time. For me, for example, right now, it's important that I support the goal of reunification. If mom and dad do not meet their case plans and that goal is changed, I can be happy if TPR occurs and I am chosen to adopt. Right NOW though, I am looking toward my children's reunification with mom and dad.

I'd submit to you that the average poster here has far less of an issue with tunnel vision than you appear to. We have to see the big picture - the current goal and future possible changes to that goal, and from what I have seen most here do a fine job of it.

Originally Posted by uboe42

You are correct dadfor2,

I defiantly am in the wrong forum. From my short experience the system needs to be bashed, it needs to be spit on. It needs to be fixed. I myself cannot be apart of something like this. I feel I was so easily manipulated to help break a family apart.

If there was some vindictive family member who first reported this family, shouldn’t there be some positive proof of neglect BEFORE placing the child in foster family. Why put a family and infant through all this separation anxiety if it wasn’t necessary. I just can’t imagine why they would take a child saying the parents did not bringing him to the doc, when the nurse tells us the family never missed a visit, and the doctor yelled at the social working about making a mistake.

Sorry none of this seems right. We were taught that reunification with the family is the main goal. But honestly we did hope to adopt. Hindsight I think that was slightly selfish for us.

Now that I have read over more posts from other people I realize that this is not the place for a person like me. If the goal of a foster parent is to provide temporary placement of children in need, until they can be returned to the parents, why is there so much celebration of a TPR. I know we loose a big part of our lives when the children are returned to the bio’s. But seeing as how that is the goal, shouldn’t that be a cause for celebration. When the bio’s get their act together or fix whatever problems there might be and the family is reunited. Why is breaking up a family a cause for celebration. Before I get seriously bashed on here let me please point out that some things with the bio’s I honestly believe cannot be fixed. In the case of physical abuse, sexual abuse, yes a TPR is a good thing. But poverty, and even drug abuse are correctable problems.

Bye all,
Hopefully my short time here has opened some eyes, and corrected some tunnel vision. Even more hopefully some of you will ask yourselves if you were really doing this for the children, or have you been doing this for yourselves.

[dadfor2]

drug abuse are correctable problems.

drug addiction is a disease and cannot be cured, however, one can stay clean off drugs. but relapse does happen.

How long do we keep a child in the system if a parent consitintly relapses?

There are alot of drug addicts that stay 'clean' but the majority doesnt. They have a disease.

But they usually dont remove children due to poverty. I know many families living in shelters and the state wouldnt take these children away.

i really dont know many children that were taken away due to poverty, unless of course the mom couldnt feed the children, couldnt take the children to the doctor, etc..but that would be considered neglect..and very different.

[stevenstwin]

Originally Posted by uboe42

You are correct dadfor2,

I defiantly am in the wrong forum. From my short experience the system needs to be bashed, it needs to be spit on. It needs to be fixed. I myself cannot be apart of something like this. I feel I was so easily manipulated to help break a family apart.

Maybe the system has some flaws, but most foster parents are not the problem! I can understand you wanting to do some bashing of the SYSTEM, but you also seem to be bashing foster parents to an extent. Sorry if I'm being too sensitive an misinterpreting.

If there was some vindictive family member who first reported this family, shouldn’t there be some positive proof of neglect BEFORE placing the child in foster family.
NO. Neglect can take a while to PROVE, and a child could be seriously harmed or killed while an investigation is taking place. It is simply responsible social work to move in to protect a child if there is sound reason to SUSPECT abuse - and then work quickly to ascertain whether it is valid or not - and of course return a child quickly if necessary. Of course I'd be devastated if my child was removed unjustly - but believe me, it would be far worse to have a children die in the care of their own parents while positive proof was being looked for. Read David Peltzer's book "A Child Called It" for a truly chilling look at what happens when Children's Services waits for enuogh proof - which they used to do in the past.


Now that I have read over more posts from other people I realize that this is not the place for a person like me. If the goal of a foster parent is to provide temporary placement of children in need, until they can be returned to the parents, why is there so much celebration of a TPR.
2 reasons - first, because a child is being saved from a home that can't meet their needs (in most cases when TPR is granted, parents have been given MANY chances to fix the problems). Secondly, of course, because a beloved child is now a permanent part of our family. That said, there are very few of us who don't still feel sorrow mixed with our joy. I WISH my son's parents could have met his needs - I WISH that he'd never been abused and neglected...he's so damaged he'll never be completely "normal". I wouldn't ever want that for someone I love!

I know we loose a big part of our lives when the children are returned to the bio’s. But seeing as how that is the goal, shouldn’t that be a cause for celebration. When the bio’s get their act together or fix whatever problems there might be and the family is reunited.
Plenty of foster parents on here do that, and do celebrate - if they believe the situation has really been resolved. Not all are hoping to adopt.

But poverty, and even drug abuse are correctable problems.
Children aren't removed for poverty. YES most problems are correctable - but only if the parents choose to take action. Sadly, many do not. My son's parents had FOURTEEN years to decide to deal with their drug problems and quit neglecting and abusing him. They never did. Yet today they say that they system *stole* their child for no good reason.

Sorry to be suspicious- but I have to wonder if you truly are who you say you are. Some parts of your most recent post have the "ring" of a bio parent who feels that their own children were removed for "false" reasons. I truly apologize if that is the case - I was certainly sympathetic to your first pose, but I just can't help wondering....

[GingerR]

Uboe42,

It's terrible what happened to you. I've been there. With our first placement, the sw trash-talked the parents. Some of it was true, but a lot of it was exaggerated and without going into detail, because of this false information, it ended up a very ugly, very sad situation for everyone. We almost walked away from foster care too as a result, but in time, realized it was one bad experience and we just got unlucky. It was very hard to rise above it, but we did and as a result, have been blessed immensely and now have two adoptive placements. Our newfound "wisdom" about the system back then turned out to be nothing more than anger at one individual who would've loved nothing more than to see us sabotage our own ideals about being foster parents.

I think your comments on TPR are just as insensitive as some of the things your cw said. Our fd is going to grow up in a drug-free home where she is not neglected, but doted on every day of her life. Drug addiction is curable sometimes, but often not, and I thank God every day that he protected her from whatever she lived through during her first 7 months. We are going to "celebrate" literally with the biggest party imaginable when all is finalized. At the same time, when I even think of her bio parents, I get a knot in my throat and a pain in my heart knowing what they will miss. There are no cold fish in this forum, and the sweeping judgments are nothing more than your misplaced anger. You should be lashing out at the cw, not the nice people on this forum.

[pechocha]

So sorry you had to go thru this bad exprerience... However, you said the following: "Even more hopefully some of you will ask yourselves if you were really doing this for the children, or have you been doing this for yourselves.". I think you should ask that questions yourself as well, as you wrote in your initial post, how excited you were that this case was leaning towards adoption. Nor did you mention how sad you were for the child and the family, because even though we may be waiting to adopt a baby/child, it is still sad that this kids have to go thru so much in their short lives. Now, it seems a little strange that this kid has been in the system for a little over a month, since you said you were in pin and needles all that time waiting. Maybe you shouldn't jump in into this situation not knowing all the details. You knew going into fost/adopt that all the placements you'll get have some risks, especially in infants. And one last thing, please do not fuss or judge in public, about birth parents not doing what they are supposed to do, keep it to yourself... Even though they did wrong, they are still part of your child, and you always have to talk nicely about them with your foster child until he/she could understand better.

We are fost/adopting our 10 month old baby, TPR has been granted, and are really close to finalize, and I still think about her birth mom. I always think all things she'll be missing out by not being able to raise her but at the same time I respect and honor her for having the courage to relinquish her rights and acknowledge that she was not able to parent.

Work towards your anger, and you will see the light at the end of the tunnel. Wish you luck on your journey.

[stevenstwin]

Dadfor 2 - just wanted to say that I should have read your posts before adding my own, because you said everything I was thinking, better than I did ;-) Also wanted to say that the quote below really made me laugh! If I'd known what I was in for with A., maybe I would have taken that job at the library.... LOL, just kidding. It ain't EASY, but I wouldn't trade him for anything ;-)

Originally Posted by dadfor2

they can get paid more for working at the library putting books on the shelf, and its very quiet.

[dadfor2]

stevenstwin,

its funny, i was at the library on saturday with the boys, and saw this woman putting bookws on a shelf, and i thought....

"how lucky she is....wish i had that job" as my kids were tearing apart the library...

if i knew now, what i didnt know then...(i keep reading this and thinking if it makes sence....my mind has gone to moosh)...............but anyway, chances are i wouldnt have my boys....so sometimes ignorance is golden, of course on certain days...

[TAC]

...This system is truly not meant for all...wish you well..

[shy_bear]

I wanted to say that I think that some of the comments about birthparents are way off. Child abusers come from ALL different backgrounds. I find it disturbing that the OP was shocked about the birthparents looking just like him and his wife. Do people really think that only poor drug addicts neglet and abuse their children???? Child abusers come in all shapes and sizes, races, and economic groups.

We have had a VERY bad experience this time round with the "system" Do I blame anyone; NO. It is what it is. My desire to add more children our family and knowing I am reaching out to another family in need is what keeps me going through this. Is it right for everyone; NO. I would suggest to the OP that you and your wife look into private adoption if adoption is the way in which you want to have a family. There is not as much "drama" and you are more in control of what works for you and your spouse.

[mom2GRLC]

Maybe the original poster should not be looking into adoption at all. Obviously they were only looking to adopt a child and save the child form A MONSTER birthparent!!!

I can tell you right now that even those parents who have abused or neglected their children or are hooked on drugs love their children. They will almost always feel like you or the system "stole" their baby. Regardless of the circumstances behind them coming into care or coming up for adoption. So Foster adoption wouldn't be the way to go.

And domestic adoption would be out of the question because many birthmothers are just noraml every day people who would love to keep their babies if they had the finanicail means or support they need to do so.

So maybe adoption just isn't right for the original poster. At least not until they got a grasp of what adoption is really about and how it can be a positive thing for the child and a needful thing for the birthfamily.

In life things happen. You can either learn from it, grow from it, help make things better or you can just give up and be angry about stuff.

Fostercare is a necessary thing. Think of all the families whose lives have been changed for the better. Think of all the children who now have a healthy future. You can't dissmiss a whole system because of one bad expereince. I agree the social worker was acting unprofessionally. But in the end the system worked didn't it? The child was returned to it's parents. So the system didn't fail in that case. You asked us to look at our motives. I would turn that back on you.....

If your motives were truly for the child...then why would you not be happy fopr this family who got thier child back? Why would you give up on the system just because you didn't get your forever child...the way you wanted to?

As foster adopt parents accept children. We also accept that the childs first priority is to try and be re-unified with family. Our place as the childs forever family only happens if the child can not be returned.

In most cases a child remains in foster care for at least a year before the termination hearing. If the parents show any sign of improvement they give them more time. So just because when you receive the child they inform you it looks like the child will come up for adoption. You realize that is only a prediction....really it is up to the parents over that 1-2 year period to do what they need to to get their child back. After that, if they have done nothing...then the case goes to TPR. Then the birthparents can still choose to appeal which can hold up the adoption another 1-2 years.

So for those of us who are excited about a TPR. It'sbecause our children have been with us for a long period of time. We have not seen that parents doing anythign on their case plan. We come to realize that their comes a point when our children deserve permanency and deserve to have paretns who will do whta they need to to care for them properly. Yet even in our excitment to adopt many of us also still recognize the loss that means to our child and to their family. It is a bitter sweet time. The breakign up of a family and the creation of a new one. But when we finally get to that point we know it is a necessary step to take for our children and they are better of because of it.

So please don't come on here passing judgement on everyone. When you really have no idea what it is really like outside of your single expereince.

[hubbyswife]

Well put Mom2GRL.... That's exactly what I was trying to write.

It is definitely a bittersweet ending/beginning....

We have had our FD for 17 mths now... so yes we celebrated TPR....

[fourbeauties94]

I do not think you have read enough posts in this forum to judge whether or not people are happy that their fc are reunited with their biological families. From what I have seen, even though it is very difficult to say good-bye to these children, the fp do celebrate reunification when the situation in the birth home has resolved itself. When we as foster parents celebrate TPR we are celebrating for ourselves, yes, but also for the children who will now have a safe, stable, and loving home. I hope by your post you are not implying that the children are better off with their birth parents simply on the basis that they gave birth to these children. If that were true, then these parents would not abuse their children in the first place. I love the parents of my foster children but since I know them, I can honestly say that if these children were to be returned home, at this point, they would not be safe.

Am I happy that we will be adopting two of our foster children?... ABSOLUTELY. Are my reasons selfish?...In part maybe so, we love them with all our hearts and would hate to let them go. However, if they would have been safe in the home of their biological parents I would have more than happily sent them home even though it would hurt us deeply. I cannot believe that any fp who has lost a child through the foster care system could begin to think we do this for any other reason than a calling from God to protect the innocent children that have no voice in our society!

[dadfor2]

guys

uboe has left the forum. I think it was more to bait people to get them upset.

I think we just need to let this thread go into the arrchives....

some people do come out here to raise a rucus and split, and it seems that is what this poster did.

so i think we can all move on. we all know what hard work foster parents do and why they do it.