[westernmom]

Have any foster parents been allowed to watch their foster child(ren)'s visits with their bioparents unobserved, when you're not in the same room (behind one way mirror, etc.)?

[DianeScraps]

That isn't available in my county office.

And it our case the childrens mother invited me in. She said that if I wasn't there she wouldn't know what was really going on with the girls.

[Happy123]

I have observed several visits this way, but only when the case was for sure going to TPR. It was intersting to see the interaction between the BPs and the kids. BUT, I do not think that they allow this on a regular basis.

[straightblues]

What do you hope to gain from the observation?

[westernmom]

You know I don't mean to be cryptic because it really drives me crazy when people post a question and don't give background/follow-up info.,

but...

at this point in time, I can't give any more information. Even to answer the simple question about what I hope to gain from such an observation may, in fact, reveal too much information. Sorry.

Thanks to everyone who replied.

[straightblues]

Originally Posted by westernmom

You know I don't mean to be cryptic because it really drives me crazy when people post a question and don't give background/follow-up info.,

but...

at this point in time, I can't give any more information. Even to answer the simple question about what I hope to gain from such an observation may, in fact, reveal too much information. Sorry.

Thanks to everyone who replied.

It sounds like there is strange stuff going on to me. If there is something criminal going on, then you are not the right observer. My point was really is observing them going to make you a better parent. That is the only real thing that I could imagine.

[stevenstwin]

Originally Posted by straightblues

My point was really is observing them going to make you a better parent. That is the only real thing that I could imagine.

I can't speak for the original poster, but in my case it would. Austin has lengthy, unsupervised visits with his dad, and comes home with all kinds of crazy ideas and misinformation. When it comes out, I can usually help him sort through the crap. But that's only when he tells me - sometimes we walks around with this nonsense for days (and I can tell it by his behaviour). and of course I wonder what I HAVEN'T heard. It's hard to set him straight when you don't know WHAT he is hearing! And even with the supervised visits in the past, I'm not sure how alert and competent the supervisors are to shutting down that kind of nonsense - one mom managed to actually ABDUCT her baby daughter from a supposedly supervised visit!

[Gryph]

I wouldn't want to be in that position - one who directly observes detrimental information about the parent. I'd rather leave that part to those who have that responsibility. I wish to remain the expert on the child and how the child reacts to these visits. That's the universal expectation of foster parents.

I want to be in a nonadversarial position. I can't effectively parent a child who sees me as one who enforces separation from their parent. No matter how secret your observation, there's a high probability that it will eventually be known.

When I supervise visits for my adolescents and preadolescents, I am an active part of the visit. I treat the parent as a valuable resource to help me help their child.

[dadfor2]

I can't effectively parent a child who sees me as one who enforces separation from their parent.

could not agree more with gryph. Let the workers do their job and let the workers remove the child.......try to stay out of that 'piece' as much as possible.

[mom2GRLC]

I have not done it. Whenever I have come to a visit it has always been with me in the room.

But I don't see how it could hurt. If it's possible and your feel it would be helpful in your case you should ask. I would have loved to sit behind that window and just observed. I can see the positives behind it. It would have particularly been nice during the goodbye visits. That way you can see how they interacted and what was being said and you could document it in your childs journal. Yet still giving them their privacy of having some time to just be with them alone one on one.

I've also learned first hand that "supervised visits" aren't always supervised properly or at all. So if the child is having problems or you think somethign is going on...it might be best to offer your time to watch and report what is happening.

While I'm not one for stepping in and taking a child away from their parents...I do believe in reporting and testifiying the facts of the case and the needs of my child and sometimes you can't trust DHs to do their job...and foolow up on stuff.

I've had to bring a camera with me when i picked op my child because I noticed my child being put in dangerous situations and reporting it and having DHS do nothign about it....i finally got everyones attention when I all of a sudden had PROOF of what was happening. DHS was then forced to DO SOMETHING about it.

So if you feel you need to be there to observe or would like to observe....then you should ask. Your childs needs come first and I don't see any problem with you either being in the room during a visit or watching from behind the window.

You are a member of the "team" as they always said in the training courses. So hopefully they will listen to your reasons for wanting to be there...and let you in to watch.

[mom2GRLC]

We in the foster/adoption world are always enforcing seperation. Just by caring for them in our home (away from there home) we are helping to enforce this. By bringing them to visits and then taking them home afterwards.

In maintaining an open adoption you can look at it as "enforcing seperation". i know my daughters birthmom looked at it that way for a while. She resented me for being the one to decide if she could see her birthchild and when and where and everything else. Rather than looking at those continued visits as blessings and a gift. So I guess I was the bad guy there too.

That's just part of parenting in general. Sometimes we are (looked at by our kids or others) as the bad guy. But it is a necessary part of protecting our children.

I've had to testify in court many times for my children. I have had to speak up against their birthparents for things I had observed. Does that mean I had a part in seperating them from their birthparents? No...reporting the facts, is just that. Reporting what you have seen and heard for the benefit and protection of the child in your care.

I hope my child is happy that I cared enough to get involved. That I cared enough to speak up for her rights and safety when she was too young to speak up for herself.

I didn't take her away from her family or keep her away from her family ....her birthparents made those choices all on their own along the way by the choices they made. Had they done the right thing she would have been returned to them. My involvement had nothing to do with their choices along the way. It doesn't make me the bad guy in my kids eyes.

[kxl164]

Mom2GRLC, I agree with you in your post of "enforcing seperation", I know my foster child sees me as the bad guy when he comes home from a visit because I put him in the car, I made him go...

It can't help but be that way, imo.

[kaylasmom]

I have supervised alot of visit's for my fosterkids, at least once for all the kids I have placed in my home, and a few time's for the emergancy placements, when the sw was busy, or had more then one visit going on at a time.

I have never sat behind glass to do them though, usually when they are in room's like that ( here anyways) they are still pretty new case's, or the sw doesn't trust the parent's yet. So usually the sw does those visits.

I have never asked a sw if I could watch a visit, or set in on one, usually I have gotten to know the parent and we end up talking about the child, they ask me to stay, or it just happens.
The time's the sw have asked me to do the visit's the parents are told before hand that I will be the one supervising so they know and understand why I'm there.

I know that when a child is in custdy it is because the parent has done somthing, that it is there fault, butmost of the time they fill like we are the bad guy's and that we are trying to take and keep there kids, even if we don't want to adopt, thats how they fill, so I try to give them there space, not interfer with the little time they have with there children, its the sw job, not mine, I want the parents to gwt to know and trust me, since I have there kids. I don't see why anyone would need to be behind glass watching the visit, other then the sw. When they are supervised like that, i would think that the sw is watching, its when they are moved to a more open place that I wonder.

But like you said you can't give more detail, so its hard to judge what we would do.

You have to do what you think is best I guess, and since its behind glass the parent's wont know, if you go in after and come out before, have you asked the sw if you could?
Just curious to know how it turns out.

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

Originally Posted by stevenstwin

And even with the supervised visits in the past, I'm not sure how alert and competent the supervisors are to shutting down that kind of nonsense - one mom managed to actually ABDUCT her baby daughter from a supposedly supervised visit!

I am agreeing with that statement with our current foster son. He was able to tell his biomom our names and what street we live on during a visit shortly back and we have now had to deal with her lurking about. The "supervisor" never told us this happened..... I am not sure he even knew. But when it was found that she was the one in the vehicle stopping in front of our house, we asked R if he had said anything to mom and yep-he sure had and then some. Also she keeps promising that "This week I am going to go see the judge and you will get to come home" and other things like "we will move to the country and I will buy you that horse you've always wanted".....so we get to be the bad guys for a few days while he walks on clouds only to figure out that we were right and she was wrong--again. We keep telling him that we want him to be able to go home to mom too, but ONLY when her house is as safe as ours. He understands (more than he should) but it is hard not to believe your mama when she is telling you things you really want to hear. Heartbreaking and it should be stopped but it isn't.

Lucky for us, she has not shown up for a visit in 3 weeks now. She has had 5 visits in 11 weeks and truthfully, I am thankful because her visits only make it harder on him.

Do I want to be the one to supervise behind the mirror? Not really although if we all admit it, we are curious. But I do think SOMEONE should be supervising.

Kim

[hkolln]

This happened to us our very 1st visit with our niece in Idaho. The Dept had a "visitation" room where they had a 1 way mirror where they could sit and view the visit. The 1st time we were there the SW and the current FP sat in that room and observed our interactions. It didn't affect me at all...the visit went well and we really didn't care that they were observing. It was an odd feeling knowing the FP was watching us but we were kinda happy they were there to see our positive interactions.