[Forever_family]

I need some advice from seasoned foster parents. I am fairly new at being a foster parent but have been at it long enough to have 4 children come and leave (temp emergency placements) and one little guy who was with us for several months. He went home to his mom last week. I'm still dealing with the loss and greiving. It helps that I feel good about my little guy going home, his mom is doing well, her problems were not neglect or abuse. Despite the fact that I have come to terms with his reunification I am very much DONE with foster care and wanting to move for private adoption.

I was going to call and asked to be placed on hold, I assumed they wouldn't call right away. I even told my worker I wanted to be put on hold, I guess she's not my worker anymore...but I thought I was clear. I've been waiting for a newborn but I want to adopt. I"m not ready for the rollercoaster ride. I hate feeling like an underpaid babysitter. If this was my baby I would be over the moon. Don't misunderstand. I treat each child as they are my own, I think that is part of why I have such a hard time saying "no." Sorry so long. If anyone has words of advice please let me know. In our county there is a shortage of homes accepting infants...but I imagine there has to be others out there who would love this baby. Should I just say "no"? This is the first call we have received for a newborn.....so hard.

L

[mj77]

You do need to allow yourself to grieve and I am so sorry for your heart ache about saying goodbye to your little one.

When you find out your worker, I would tell them you are only up to take babies that are more likely to move to adoption (usually after other sibs have been placed because of TPR). We chose straight adoption for the reason you are talking about. Our son was a bit over a year old though. 13 mo. was a fun age though!

Our second son was placed at 5 mo because we took some risk. We said we'd never do foster care, but we were contacted being told there is a chance this case will go to TPR (wink, wink) but we can't guarantee that. We prayed about it, felt okay and moved forward. It was a rollercoaster that I wouldn't wish on anyone who's never done foster care--but worth it in the end.

Best to you. I know this must be so hard.

[kxl164]

Sorry I don't have much advice for you other than to follow your heart.

You know how hard it is to say goodbye and how easy it is to fall in love with these kids... you've been through it.

You really want to adopt, but adopting through foster care is never a sure thing and is always hard on everyone.

But, if you do foster this baby and then adopt you can be the one and only home for this child thus making this child's life much better.

If you say NO, they will find someone else so don't feel too badly about it.

We have found being foster parents to be very hard on us, but when we look at the kids and how they are now thriving it is all worth it. Of course I haven't had to say goodbye to a placement yet, so I do not know what that pain feels like and I really don't want to imagine it.

You really have to look into yourself, do you have it in you to put up with the system again...you know you would probably be fine with the baby, it is just the fear and worry about saying goodbye that would hurt you.

If our current placement leaves, then we will continue to foster, we know that already, but we don't know how we will feel, we just know that this is what we are supposed to be doing.

Good Luck!

[HappyTwinsMom]

That's got to be such a hard decision for you. Wish I had some really wonderful advice, but I don't...except to agree with the previous poster who said "follow your heart."

DH and I are in the process of being licensed as foster parents and our intent is to foster only babies, so I would be jumping up and down and say "yes, yes, yes, me, me, me!" That doesn't help you, I know!

Best of luck with your decision-making!

[AmahMama]

I don't know that ANY TPR is a sure thing. Unless of course the bios and their entire family is deceased. There are NO guarantees in life. We all have to take chances in life. The wonderful thing about foster care is that we are doing it for the CHILDREN. Not for ourselves. It is for the children!!

While adoption becomes the final goal for some (not nearly enough ~ to many are returned to dangerous situations) it isn't usually the original goal - so if you aren't willing to take any chances - you may miss out on the children that you are wanting.

Even tho' I am not a prospective adoptive Mom, I do my best for the fk's that share my home until someone that is unwilling to take the original chance decides to meet them. Several of the fk's should have been placed in f/a homes to start with but adults are unwilling to take the chance. What about the kids? How many times should they have to seperate????

Every time a child leaves my home ~ whether to adoption or reunification~ I rejoice that I KNOW the child was in a good, safe, willing, and loving home for at least a while. Having a child leave yhour home on good terms and safely is a victory!!!

At least this is how I look at it. Sorry if it doesn't help.

[sgtfirstwife]

We too felt like you. It was just too hard and were looking at other options. Then the call came for a newborn and we said yes. I already love her, but I know that there are many ways this could go.
We just are trying to keep our feet on the ground and praying for a miracle. Sometimes I think fate (or God) has a way of showing us the way. So I would just say trust your gut and do with what you feel is right.

[fostadoptblog]

We took a couple of newborns that went home. After fostering 10 children we got K at 30 days old. It was back and forth for a long time before we finally got to adopt her a bit over a year later.

What helped me was playing games in my head. If this child goes home, we will take a long vacation, I'll take dance classes etc.. etc.. I had to have something else to look forward to in case that happened. - And when other children DID go home, I meditated, took an art class, walked a lot and allowed myself to heal.

Only you know if it will be right for you.

Good luck.

[mrstkg1]

This is just my opinion of course. If this baby is one that you would adopt if you could, I would take him.

You can always pursue the private adoption, and I would. But a mother's heart yearns for a baby in her arms. You could be that safe haven for this baby. I am always concerned when I see people do foster or foster/adopt for the sole purpose of adopting. The reason is that this path is filled with so many ups and downs and dead ends.

Enjoy that baby, that's what I would do.

Jami

[Forever_family]

Thanks for all of the replies and much needed advice/suggestions. I ended up saying "no" to this baby. Originally we were okay with fostering and hopefully adopting. I do feel that we had a situation with our little foster guy that was "meant to be" and that I was able to help his mom in the reuinification and her parenting, it was a wonderful yet very painful experience for everyone in our family.

After writing here and thinking/praying/mediating and reading most of the replies, talking it over with my dh. It was time to talk to my two dd's age 10 and 6. My 10 year old is still very much greiving over the loss (its only been a week!) of our foster toddler. He was 13 months when he arrived and is now 21 months. She adored him like a big sister and was so proud to have him in our life. She wrote stories about him at school, she bragged about him to friends, she loved him as we all did. So it did not suprise me, okay maybe a little, but it should not have surprised me that she did not want to go through this again. I considered that this would be hard on my daughters but until you live through it you just don't know how hard it will be. We've talked about our feelings. we are still in contact with our little guy and his mother. My daughters really like his mom and they are happy he is home, that is real, but they miss him in their lives terribly, especially M. It is understandable and naturaly and much like a death. How many "deaths" can my family take? My dd has already experienced the loss of her first father and serveral moves as my dh was in school. I knew this would be hardest on her and now I feel incredibly guilty. So....obviously I said "no" to this placement and asked to be placed on hold.

This baby will have a home, I'm sure of it. I feel under the circumstances we will not continue in foster care. I plan on keeping our license but that is it. I am putting in our adoption application this week. I've been holding on to it for many reasons but none of them seem important now.

Thank you, everyone, for being supportive and giving loving/kind advice through this journey.

L

[hubbyswife]

When there are adopted or bios kids I think it's harder to be foster parents. I didn't realize it til we got our 2nd FD and our oldest FD (soon to be adopted) got attached right away. When we left lil FD for a visit, FD would cry and say "my baby sister".

We decided that whether lil FD stayed or left, we wouldn't be continuing FC b/c it's too hard on our daughter. I don't want her to experience yet another loss.

It's hard to b foster/adopt parents... and yes our sole purpose is adoption. Lots of ups and downs.... but in the end when we finalize it is sooo worth it. I wouldn't trade it for the world.

In FC, u have to take risks but also do what's best for your family. It's okay to say no.