[straightblues]

This is a subject that comes up frequently in various thread but I thought it might deserve its own discussion here. What are your thoughts?

If your foster/adopted children have other siblings that are not with you how important is it to maintain those relationship?

Please explain the rational for your way of thinking.

I know some of you go to great lengths to maintian these relationships and I know the court favors them, but why? Give me your best arguement either for or against.

I guess the question come down to does biology make a bond or does the bond really come from being together. Why are biological bonds any more important?

Would breaking sibling bonds be worst or the same as breaking bio parent bonds? We all agree that breaking parents bonds is ok (obvisously with good reasons to do do) but most are mixed on sibling bonds. Why a difference?

Please feel free to add any additional questions as there are lots surrounding this issue.

[stevenstwin]

A good question - it has been coming up a lot, lately, hasn't it? I know my situation is different from yours, since your kids don't KNOW their siblings. So I think having some sort of a prior relationship is definitely more important that just biology. The way I look at it is that the parent/child bond gets broken when the parent screws up. They lose their right (and the child is twice victimized - once by the abuse and the neglect, and then again by losing the parent) through their own actions. I have little sympathy for the parents in that case. But in MOST cases with siblings, if they get split apart it is not their "fault" and they are losing someone important to them even though the are totally innocent. In my post above I mention that my 15 year old son sees himself as the protector and caregiver of his much younger siblings - a position he shoudl NEVER have been in, but it makes losing them even harder. Now, even for those that have never met, I can see a desire to at least MEET at some point in the future. Many adoptees want to find the missing "pieces" of themselves - who do I look like? etc. Even I have sort of experienced that - my parents were divorced before I was born. I had no relationship with my father, but he remarried and had 5 other children. I met 2 of them when I was a child, and although I remember being uncomfortable, it was also very special to me. I've met all 5 of them as an adult -we aren't close, and we haven't kept in touch, but it was still IMPORTANT to me. I have Cheryl's eyes and Tracey's hair. Sean likes the same kind of music as I do, etc. Just makes me feel more connected to a bigger world - I dont' think anyone can have TOO MUCH family! :-)

[mom2GRLC]

I think that relationship is important to develope if and when possible. But i don't think it is absolutley necessary for the child to have a happy life. It really depends on the circumstnaces involved and people involved.

[kxl164]

For us it is hard too.

Our foster children have other siblings not in foster care, and more siblings on the way; they also have former foster siblings and current foster siblings.

From what we have observed they are not very close to their other blood related siblings not really bonded with them, but the other blood siblings do care and ask about them.

They were bonded with their former foster siblings more, but they were not allowed by the county to remain in contact since they thought that it would be too confusing for them.

They are bonded with their current foster siblings, very strongly too, but of course that is a day to day relationship at the moment.

I have no idea what will happen with the future sibling.

We feel bad for their other blood siblings because they miss our foster children, but since our children don't miss them what do we do?

I think sibling relationships are so important because they typically last your entire lifetime, whereas parents go before you or your siblings typically do (of course we all know not always).

I just don't know what we will do if it comes to us making this call...

[AmyAnne]

I addressed this in a previous thread, but for those who aren't reading that one, I'll recap:

My son has not seen his siblings in 5 years. In two weeks he will have a meeting with the oldest of his brothers, who is 13 (my son is 9 )

The boys want this meeting. They were separated from each other during an emergency removal and I think these kids cannot lay their burdens down until they're sure the others are okay and happy.

My son has asked me to contact the adoptive parents of all 3 of his siblings (everyone is adopted seperately) and ask if they are ready for visits. He has memories of his siblings and misses them deeply.

In this case, I feel the visitation will do far more good than it will harm but I think visits aren't always beneficial to the kids... it depends on the situation.

[locoenlacabeza]

I agree that it depends on the situation. My fs's have a brother and a sister that live out of state. While they "know" them, in that they exsist. They do not "know" them. They have never lived with them. I think that having visits with them would be beneficial for all 4 of the kids, in this situation.
In other situations I think it depends on how hurtful it is, to both kids in each situation.

[straightblues]

Thanks for the responses so far. What I was more interested in here was a discussion of the topic excluding specific circumstances. But maybe it is just to hard to seperate the two. Further, there may be no real black and white answer.

[bjhv5]

I dont think you can just set a set guide.What I mean is everyone hs to use thier specific situation because each case is different.
I have 4 sibs that were placed with me at differnet times. K was 1 when we got him his 2 sisters who were bonded to him( him not so much to them) and S came from hospital so K and S got to devlope the bond like "normal" but K also has a brother bond with my other fc J and my bio children.His two sister saw him off and on( parents visits would get canceld etc) so there was no contnual contact betweem them until them came to live with us.So If we never got the girls then K and S would not have the bond and see the girls as as thier sibs.
Now J has an older 1/2 brother placed with brother's gmother and the last time the brother asked about J they came over and J did not see him as his brother( J was 20 months old when he came to us) and they have a sister who is 2 and has not lived with them since she was 5 months old she also see J and again thier is no bond between them now they also have a baby brother in care with another relative and have never seen him so again no bond.
I think it should be taken on case by case.When there is a strong bond between children and there are no signs of abuse on each other then IF possible I think they should be placed with each other BUT if the children have been apart a LONG time then they have a bond with the new family and you have to ask should they be torn away from them? If the child is old enough then they should be asked but when they are young then NO they should not be moved just so they can be with sibs.
So I just rambled sorry!

[dmca]

If the children know they have siblings, it's important to maintain that relationship.
My brother and I were very young when we were separated but never once forgot each other.
Because we were in foster care together for years, my brother took the job of caring for me.this was a milliion years ago, when foster care was absolutely horrible in almost all cases. For years, he blamed himself that we were separated, and likewise, I blamed myself. We had lost our birth parents, our cousins aunts uncles etc. We lost our first foster parents who were much loved and precious to us. All we had was each other. We lost our history. How important is history to a small child? What makes a secure child? Would it be HISTORY of a good home with loving parents or even the pain they shared in their family unit?
Ever talk to someone that you weren't sure how much they understood because they've never gone through what you did? For my brother and I , we went through it together. We had the same memories at times, and for sure the same pain. The same comfort of each other in shared memories.
So, my opinion is , if they know they have siblings, continue that relationship.
dmca

[GingerR]

This has been a really touchy subject for my husband and I the last couple of months.

Once our fs (J's) status changes to adoption, they want to separate his three siblings to place one of them with J. Essentially, they want to break a bond that's already existed for years between these three girls to place one of them with a little brother she hasn't met, and doesn't even know exists.

On the other hand, we had a 5 year-old fd who was separated from her 8 year-old brother because they were basically too lazy to put them together.

So it seems sometimes in situations where they should be together, they do nothing to facilitate that, and in situations where there is no bond, they bend over backwards to create one.

So I definitely agree with everyone that it depends entirely on the situation, their bond, their circumstances for separation, bond with foster parents, etc. Sigh.. if only there were more workers and judges who actually really and truly considered all of those things.

[SheldeMuse]

Here goes a take at a rationale for contact with siblings the child has a bond with.

For a sibling bonded to the child, maintaining the relationship is an avenue to working through the grief and loss of family. But circumstance always comes in. Is the other child with birthfamily? That adds many potential difficulties, but there is no denying that keeping the connection available offers the child something that may be an important source of connection. My 12 y.o. has a full sibling and a half sibling who live with their maternal grandmother. My daughter decided she does not want to have any contact with birthfamily right now, but she also believes that restoring that connection to her sister is just a phone call away. I've no idea how she'd feel if I had discouraged contact.

I've no strong rationale for contact with siblings the child doesn't know. For my children, I'm doing what I can to collect information that will make it easier to pursue those relationships in the future. Because they have each other, I just don't know how strong an interest they will have in finding biological family for its own sake. Stevenstwin has provided his own experience, and I know the adults in my own family who were adopted as infants would have really liked to meet a sibling but were not devastated when it didn't happen.

[Lamaena]

Originally Posted by dmca

If the children know they have siblings, it's important to maintain that relationship.
My brother and I were very young when we were separated but never once forgot each other.
Because we were in foster care together for years, my brother took the job of caring for me.this was a milliion years ago, when foster care was absolutely horrible in almost all cases. For years, he blamed himself that we were separated, and likewise, I blamed myself. We had lost our birth parents, our cousins aunts uncles etc. We lost our first foster parents who were much loved and precious to us. All we had was each other. We lost our history. How important is history to a small child? What makes a secure child? Would it be HISTORY of a good home with loving parents or even the pain they shared in their family unit?
Ever talk to someone that you weren't sure how much they understood because they've never gone through what you did? For my brother and I , we went through it together. We had the same memories at times, and for sure the same pain. The same comfort of each other in shared memories.
So, my opinion is , if they know they have siblings, continue that relationship.
dmca

I am not and adoptee, so I couldn't have said it better, but you certainly illustrate my point of view perfectly. My education, experience in social services, and my own human experiences have taught me how important it is to keep grounding relationships alive. I believe children that have experienced such a traumatic event as having been removed from the environment and the company of the only people they've ever known, grow up with questions about themselves and their roots that can only be answered through the fullfillment of those relationships with siblings and/or other biological relationships. Adoptees often search, sometimes to no avail, to regain/gain contact with people they may not know but yearn to have the chance to interact with.

So, if it is at all possible, and not at all damaging, make and effort and keep those bonds alive!

[homersmom]

When my boys, ages 5 1/2 months and 2 1/2 years were placed in my home as foster to adopt, we knew they had an older sibling who was really having severe emotional issues. None of the children had ever lived together so there was no worry of breaking a bond. But I always worried about this child, the fact that she was alone with no family support. I pestered the CW for her information and she did not give it to me until we signed our adoption papers for the boys (1 1/2 years later) I immediately made contact with her, she was in a group home at this time and making progress. I wanted these children to have a relationship but at that time felt that it would not be in the childrens best interests for her to ever be placed in our home. We continued contact, visits, calls and have come to love this child. This summer she was deemed well enough to be placed back in foster care and was available for adoption. After much thought, prayer and discussion we felt in our hearts that we wanted to give her a home. We did not want to see this child, having been in foster care for 8 years, moved again to a complete strangers home to be adopted. We want to be her parents. She has done wonderful, her behaviors are in control and we do realize though, that there will be trying times ahead, we want to do this for her and for them. We have been having her for weekend visits and she moves in next week!! I will tell you honestly that I am scared to death-not of her behavior so much-but I have never raised an 11 year old girl before. Please keep us in your thoughts.

[leenab]

The age old sibling question, or at least that's how it feels to our family.

Our sons all have siblings. R lived with his siblings until he was removed at 2 1/2 yrs. He's one of 11 children so obvisouly they weren't going to place everyone together. They were split into groups of boys and girls. He was placed with an older brother, then the brother was moved for making false accusations. So it was just R. R still had sibling visits. When R was placed with us he really had no contact with siblings, 4 months after placment was his first visit in 8 months. He had a bad reaction to older brother, nightmares and terrors, hives, had to sleep in our room, anxiety. We tried a second visit with older brother after some therapy and still the same reactions.

Then R had a visit with his older sister S. It went very well for both of them. And we continued visits and contact a few times a month. R loved it and S adored R. S's fmom was very supportive of it.

R also has an older sister A. Who he's only seen twice in the last 3 years. He has similar reactions to her as he does to older brother. So we didn't want to push him into a relationship with her. Apparently a lot of things went on in the biofamily home among the siblings so not everyone had a healthy relationship.

So then S & A get placed together for adoption and adopted together. New adoptive mom wouldn't let R have contact with S unless he also has contact with A. R is only 6 and can't handle contact with A right now. I explained this to new mom, but she doesn't get it. So now R has lost S. I feel so bad for R, but know that when S is over 18 she will hopefully try to contact R.

Then we have O who has one sibling still with biomom and we've never even met him.

#3 is one of quite a few siblings with one on the way soon. He hasn't met any of them. And after the situation with R I don't think we want to get into any craziness with the other adoptive parents. We're hoping that #3s soon to be born sibling goes to a family that we know and then we'd be willing to have contact.

[JC10]

We adopted 3 little ones and are now placed (through a need to keep siblings together) with the oldest sibling. THings are going okay but I have to say the 3 little ones were much more stable & secure BEFORE her arrival. The only one it has emotionally benefited is the oldest but her need/desire to play mommy really isn't good for her either!???? GOOD THREAD, will be interested to read all opinions.