[MPJJJ]

We hadn'd heard from the social worker in over a month, and had assumed we were not getting visits anymore. But just when I start thinking I dont care about Haley anymore, we get a visit, and I am reminded how much I love her. The social worker brought her for a visit this afternoon, she thought she had called me last week but she didn't, so the visit was a surprise. I am glad I was home. She has gotten so big, it's unbelievable how gorgeous she is.

She played so well with Jed, and I got to take her up to the school to pick up the boys. Her attachment to the foster mom is obvious, she started waving her arms and hopping around, giggling, when she saw her at pick-up. The pain now feels like only a pin prick of regret, not the overwhelming grief that I felt back in April. The foster mom gave me some very beautiful pictures of Haley. We're having the boys' birthday party at the end of the month, I think I'm gonna send her an invitation through the social worker. Maybe they will come.

I check the online court website every night, and so far the appeal is still being processed. We're sure that the appeal will be denied, just as it was that last time a niece was taken away from my sister.

As much as I know Haley loves her foster mom, and as much as I know her foster mom loves her, I still cannot help but hope that the adoption worker decided to place Haley with my other sister, so that our application can be considered. I know that we would be chosen before my sister, but I also know that we could not bring ourselves to be the ones to seperate Haley and her parents. I just wish I wasn't so selfish by nature.

[stevenstwin]

I'm glad to hear from you. What dreadfully conflcited feelings you must be having! I'm sorry this continues to cause you pain. I'm glad you got to visit with her -and I REALLY hope that a relationship continues. Above all, I'm glad that Haley is obviously happy, and she is very lucky to have so many people who love her in her life.

[MPJJJ]

I learned today that the adoption worker recommended that my niece be adopted by her foster parents, so my other sister won't be getting her. While I'm so happy that she'll never see the likes of either of my sisters ever again, I'm devestated that our chances of adopting her are officially gone. I keep regretting withdrawing our application, thinking "it could have been us... we could have been her parents... she could be here right now, and she's not, because we turned her down..." It's very hard for us. But for her, it's a good thing that she was able to stay with the people who have raised her since birth. I am just so hurt and angry right now, I feel like the system failed us.

[kaylasmom]

Well, I don't really know what the story is, I read your post tonight, but none before. I hate when sw THINK they do things that they didn't, it happens to often.
I would send her an invite, alot of fp will bring the kids to things. I am sorry she isn't with you, but if she is with ppl who have had her since birth, then she is with her family, maybe not byblood, but in all the ways that count. That doesn't mean you shouldn't be part of her life though. If I were you, I'd get to know her family, let them know your glad they got her over anyone else, you may be suprised, they may welcome you into there family.

Keep your head up, regreats get you nowhere, and what ifs bring heartache. Always know she is happy, and you did the right thing for HER! and she's all that matter.

[AmahMama]

Family means far more than just a blood tie. If they've had her since birth - they are as much her family as you are. I haven't read earlier posts so don't know why you pulled your application - but it isn't the fp's fault that they have been chosen to continue to raise here. Continue to invite her and her family to visit your family - there are such things as extended family - and it works out for everyone.

You said yourself that she is growing and happy, so be happy for her. We all need to be happy for others' good luck and have others' be happy for ours.

[MPJJJ]

Wow, that was a cold reaction. I AM happy for her. And I'm NOT blaming her foster parents. And I do know that they consider themselves to be her family, though that doesnt absolve the fact that we are her family too. It wouldnt have been too hard to click on my name and read my older posts, you would have realized that we withdrew our application because we did not want to hurt them. But that doesn't stop us from feeling pain as the last chances of adopting a child we have fallen madly in love with have been taken away, and fearing that these foster parents will no longer allow us to see her after the adoption is complete, especially since the social worker, not them, have set up all the visits. I don't belong in the birth family forums because people would say "But YOU are the family, why are you letting those people adopt your niece?!" and it seems most foster parents want to shove it down my throat and say "But the foster parents are more important since they have had her since birth" without even caring about the fact that we didnt know she even existed, and tried like crazy to get custody for months. It just seems really harsh no matter who I turn to to try to get advice and understanding... I was hoping maybe foster parents who have actually felt the loss of a child would understand how much we are hurting to lose our niece. Just knowing that the child is going to a 'good' home doesnt stop the pain, does it? And does it make you feel any better to have someone tell you "But the child is with it's FAMILY now, be happy for them!" No, it really doesn't. Pain is pain, and right now I just don't know where I belong because there isn't a forum devoted to relatives who have stepped back to allow a foster parent to adopt.

[crick]

MP - You might check out the "Birth Family Support" forum as you go through your grief and pain over Haley. I would hope no one would say "how could you let this happen?"

You are right...there are a lot of complicated emotions and you have every right to feel them. We all feel whatever it is and we can't stop that. I hope you have a support system in place at home too, because it sounds like you are in the grief cycle...and most people need a shoulder to lean on during these times.

[Tudu]

I am sorry you have been made to feel you don't fit in b/c I for one was very impressed with how you handled that situation. When you withdrew from consideration I was so sad for you and your family. You did what you thought was right and in her best interest and you are right to mourn that decision and her loss. SHe is very lucky to have family like you thinking about her best interest at the expense of your feelings. I really hope the foster parents continue contact and I encourage you to pursue that.

[stevenstwin]

Hugs to you, MPJJJ. I've followed your story from the beginning, so I know what a difficult time you had making your decision,and all the factors that played into it. I do agree that family isn't always blood, but I know that in your situation you probably SHOULD have had her in the first place, and that is what WOULD have happened if the system had been at its best. I don't think there is any outcome here that would make everyone equally happy, and I think about you often.

[MPJJJ]

Thank you for your understanding. DH and I are now at a place where we do not want this to happen again. We have learned that my other sister (Haley's other aunt) is now living with some guy and most likely trying to get pregnant as she has for years (more $$$ from the state if she has a kid) and sadly, because of her lifestyle that child will be taken away too. Not right away, of course, the courts will want to give her a chance to be a good mom, but I know my sister well, both of them, and neither of them are mother material. They got all their parenting advice from our bio mom who lost me when I was a toddler, so no worries there, except wondering how much pain this new child would go through before the courts stepped in. And of course if Haley's birth mom has another baby that baby will be taken away at birth just as Haley was. We just dont want to do this again. We feel that we have developed a pretty friendly relationship with the foster worker and I think the adoption worker understands why we stepped back, because we put all of that in our withdrawl letter. When and if either of my sisters has another baby we want the baby to come to us first, not go to another foster parent and then we have to fight them for custody. And of course cause them excrutiating pain when the child is given to us. We are strongly thinking about becoming foster parents, but wondering if we are doing this for the right reasons. It's such a complicated situation, and so emotional. And this is a big decision, isn't it? Is it a selfish act of desperation to become foster parents to avoid losing another relative?

[twinflana]

I dont think it is selfish at all to become a foster parent in case another relative goes into care. To me it sounds like your heart is in the right place.

[stevenstwin]

Certainly not selfish! One warning, though - if Haley's mom has another baby, the powers that be may want to push for Haley's foster parents to adopt, to keep the siblings together. That's not to discourage you - but to prepare you so that you can plan how you might approach that in advance, before you ever have to deal with it. For the sake of the future children, I HOPE that never becomes an issue and your sisters don't have any more kids :-(

[Jeanie1]

MPJJJ,
I am so sorry for your loss and I think your thoughts of becoming foster parents are in no way displaced. If more people would take action in this way for their family members, the world would be a better place! Good luck with your plans and please don't be discouraged from foster parenting because you want to rescue precious little ones from a distructive environment. After all, that should be why everyone wants to foster parent, these kids just happen to be related to you. My prayers are with you, keep your chin up!

[patti Daniels]

My prayers are with you and Haley.

[MPJJJ]

Originally Posted by stevenstwin

Certainly not selfish! One warning, though - if Haley's mom has another baby, the powers that be may want to push for Haley's foster parents to adopt, to keep the siblings together. That's not to discourage you - but to prepare you so that you can plan how you might approach that in advance, before you ever have to deal with it. For the sake of the future children, I HOPE that never becomes an issue and your sisters don't have any more kids :-(

I know this, and maybe I'm just being hopelessly niave, but I am hoping that should the situation arise, they would consider us just as we have considered them. They would say to themselves "They stepped back so that we could keep our daughter, lets step back so that they can adopt their niece/nephew and we'll have an open arrangement so that the siblings can have a relationship". I just really pray that this happens and that we're not stabbed in the heart again, because I KNOW that there will be new babies, either from Haley's mom or from my other sister. And I know with all of my heart, I would bet my own life on it, that my sisters nor my bio mom will NEVER change, so any new babies are destined to be taken away at some point or another, I just want to be there when it happens. I want to do what ever I can to keep the situation with Haley from ever happening again. I just hope that others consider us as we have considered them, and we don't get our hearts broken yet again.