[kikibrando]

I've posted about foster daughter M here before. Lately, it's been smooth sailing, but I'm in uncharted waters.

M recently announced she intends to go on the Pill in order to pursue a sexual relationship with her boyfriend. This doesn't really suprise me, as M and R dated for two years before breaking up when she came into foster care and R moved away.

Recently, R returned to town and the relationship resumed. R's a very nice boy, responsible, and mature and treats M like gold. We have no issues with this young man.

I am very concerned. My husband and I are firm in our belief that abstinence is the best for anyone under 18. While I realize this isn'trealistic for today's kids, it's been the expectation we have set with our daughter.

M has asked me to accompany her to a clinic to get on birth control. I am torn because I feel this is tantamount to giving my approval for her to have sex, which I disagree. Secondly, I have issues with Planned Parenthood, where she would be going. The local clinic performs abortions (and no, I don't want to get into a debate on this subject), so morally, I have an issues just stepping inside the building as I feel it lends support to this organization. At the same time, I want M to be safe and have the knowledge and information she needs. I just feel like it would be best to go to her pediatrician OR have her caseworker take her. That opens another can of worms because this is a caseworker, not a family member.

Lately, M and R have been very heavy into kissing, hugging and groping in my home. Previously, we have asked them not to do this in front of our younger kids because they were pretty open about it in the past. M pretty much complied with out in the open, but I learned from my younger daughter it's happening in R's car outside my home during the day. I learned M had R over, while we were gone (against the rules), and they were going hot and heavy on my daughter's bed.

I feel M's behavior is disrespectful and tacky. We've asked nicely for M and R to keep this private, and it should be. My daughter said she walked in to find M straddling R on M's bed. They were fully clothed, but the example being set isn't a good one. Daughter complained when R was picking M up for school the other day, she couldnt' get into the bathroom because they were making out. This was at 8:15 in the morning. (I was taking kids to the bus stop.)

Last time we dealt with a sexual issue with M, it was with an abusive boy. I brought the caseworker into the scenario because of the abuse issue. M made it clear to me her sex life is "none of your business." Now, M is making it my business, as well as that of my kids.

While my views are antiquated for some parents, I don't believe I should yeild my house rules for M. We have continued to have a double standard issue for her since she arrived in my home. I am not sure what to do this time, and feel I should talk to a child expert at DSS. I don't agree with M becoming sexually active but recognize there's very little to stop her. On the same token, we stated to DSS we wouldn't have a sexually active teen in our home... so another can of worms.

I'm feeling very lost.

[ca-bigsister]

I hope that teens will refrain from sex until marriage hopefully after college. However, I also realize that this is not realistic for many teens today.

You may not like what I'm going to say but . ..
I think that your teen is being very responsible. She is in a long-term monogomous relationship. She is communicating to you about her needs and has asked for you to go with her to the clinic. That is very responsible. She could just go by herself or with her boyfriend. So she is trying to keep communication going.

I would rather have my daughter informed about the consequences of sex (STDs, unwanted pregnancy, VD, AIDS, etc) and taking responsibility (always using a condom and birth control.).

Frankly, I think that she is being very responsible. I'd rather have communication and sex, than no communication and a pregnant teen.

I run the 9th grade orientation program for my high school. Before the orientation, a boy came up to me and asked if pregnant girls could go to our school. I said yes and asked if he knew one. He brought his 14 y.o. girlfriend, obviously pregnant, up. I asked if she had been to the doctor, and she said no. She looked at least 4 or 5 months pregnant. I immediately made an appointment with our on-school medical clinic (yes, we have one and it's fabulous) and with her counselor so that the family could become involved.

This girl looked so young, so scared and so confused, and so unready to be a mother. I wouldn't wish that your FD on top of other issues fosters face.

Now, my own FD is making the same sounds so I am also taking the advice I gave you. It's heartwrenching because you want them to wait until they're ready, but it's really tough nowadays.

That's just my opinion. Hope it helps

[dmca]

She's being responsible by being on the pill. Make sure she is given a long talk about condoms as well, as STDS and HIV/AIDS are hazardous.
As to your house. Be consistent! Same as you demand of your children,you can demand of her. In other words, STOP THAT in front of others and NOT IN MY HOUSE. Remember that old chesnut " when you grow up and have a place of your own, I will say nothing, but, this is MY home and you WILL NOT".
Also remind her that being her age, she is a role model for the younger ones and what they see her doing, they may do also. ( against your wishes)
Good luck
dmca

[naca]

Well I see both sides of this one.. Personally I'm with you on hoping that my children wait until they are at least 18 or more hopefully married before sex.. But I also realize it's probably unrealistic. As hard as it would be for me to take this advice, I think that i have to agree with the pp.. Your FD is being pretty responsible.. She opened the lines of communication by letting you know what she was planning and asking you along.. She is in a long term relationship.. I would say go with her?
A little story of my own from long ago.. I had dated my now husband for several months (we had known each other and 'group dated' for well over a year) and I was 17 1/2.. I did the same as your foster daughter, tried casually mentioning to my mother that I would like to get on the pill.. Now my family was NOT one to talk about that kind of thing, heck we never even had a birds and bees talk! LOL! And mom didn't take it the best and forbid me to get on the pill until I was 18.. So I respected her wishes and didn't go get the pill until I was 18, however I did start sleeping with my boyfriend at 17 1/2.. It seems silly to me now that I did that, but at the time I felt I would get in more trouble for going against her wishes by getting the pills (which she could have found in my room) than risking sneaking around to sleep with my boyfriend.. lol.. So with that said, I still say go with her and talk to her about it..
Good luck!

[kakuehl]

I find it an incredibly good sign that she is willing to be open with you and to ask you go with her. Does your town have a women's health care center? Have you explained to her your concerns about planned parenthood?

Like the others, I would hope she would wait. The problem is as the PA Dutch say, "Too soon old, too late smart." And when you add hormones to the mix, you have an explosion waiting to happen.

I hope she will understand that the pill is not a fool proof method of birth control. (Only total abstinence will do that - and then only if they couple isn't into heavy petting!) The pill also doesn't protect against a lot of other possibilities mentioned in a previous post. One of the scariest is the rise in the numbers of women infected with the virus that can cause cancer. If she is going to be sexually active, she will also have to be very intentional about getting gynocological health care.

Have you talked with the 2 of them together? If this young man is as responsible as you say, he may well respond to your concerns for your other children. Do you invite him to do things with your family so that they definitely have some non-sexual time!

I've gone through this with my own children when they were teens; it's even more challenging with a foster child I imagine. Since I haven't seen your previous posts, how old is she?

Blessings,
Kathy

[Jeanie1]

I know my view probably won't be popular but I think the reason teens "these days" don't abstain is because no one is asking them to! I had very open communication with my parents and they told me from the time I knew about sex (around 9 years old) that I was to abstain until marriage and I started dating my husband at the age of 16, got married at 21 and was still a virgin. Ninety percent of my friends did the same and it laid a foundation for trust that I don't see in my friends' marriages who had sex before. I think you do your FD a disservice by not laying down the law about this. She may still sneak around but giving her the pill is giving her permission to do something you know is destructive. Plus, once she is sexually active with this guy she will be more likely to be with the next and he may not be as nice as the current boyfriend. On top of all this, the other children in the house that are yours biologically may expect the same treatment when they come of age and if you feel strongly about it with your FD I'll bet you'll feel just as strongly with your children when they are teens. If the rules for foster parents are that you can't interfere I would seriously consider asking that she be moved so that your younger children are not privy to her behavior. Our children will often live up to high expectations if we set them but they never have the chance if we make excuses for them. Would you set lower standards for her in other areas? So why set low standards in the area of sexuality--an area that could get her pregnant or worse, get her killed? I realize I'm old fashioned on this one but I don't see how today's teens are any different than those in other generations--only that we don't expect them to be excellent in the area of sexual temptation! Good luck with this one--I don't envy you!

[jstodd]

WOW! that is a tough one and I for one agree with Jeanie. If your rules are abstinance for your bios it should be the same for M. Also, to my knowlege you have to have the cw's ok on this before you can proceed if you don't already have it. I had a teen a year ago and had to ok it with her bmom before we could get her on the pill. So don't do anything that may get you into trouble.
Her responcibility in this matter is wonderful but I to would sit them both down and discuss this so they completely understand the rules and the concequences of thier actions.

[swanzie]

I read the original post yesterday - and a couple of the first responses....and I didn't respond because I knew I would not have a popular opinion on this subject...then i read the new responses this morning and I TOTALLY agree with Jeanie. I was going to take the oppositite approach...and here is why.

First just because others see this as being responsible - I don't see it that way. If you have told her the rules of the house and that was no fooling around...then those are the rules of the house. If you don't believe in the pill and planned parenthood - why should a teen make you change your stance. You have very good points as to why no allow this in your house. I would stick to my guns if I were in your shoes. Ya she asked - great, everyones doing it...ya so?...when I used that line growing up I got the response "so if everyone jumped off a bridge would you" - just because everyone's doing it doesn't mean that makes it right. Pregnancy is not the only thing to consider when you start having a physical relationship..there's her reputation, diseases...the fact that its about sex at that age - no about making love - worries me...

She knows the rules of your house. She knows your point of view on planned parenthood. I don't find this situation responsible - I find it maniuplative.

Then I was thinking - how about have a big meeting - the bf, the bf's parents and you and your dh and fd. Lay down the law - here is the situation, here are our expectations, this is the behavior we expect and see what happens. You might be surprised and see that everyone is on the same page and get the respect you deserve in your home.

Good luck, I don't envy you. We have a teenage boy and are trying to do the same things - getting him to see that girls are not sex objects....its not easy, but I am not willing to comprimise my beliefs. and with fingers crossed it will workout in the long run - so far he has respected and taken on what we have asked of him...he has pushed us - and we keep the lines of communication open - and try to set good examples for him so when he does enter a relationship he can look beyond the flesh. - at least that's our hope (LOL)

[hubbyswife]

WoW-- I'm glad to see what Jeanie and Swanzie also stated. I agree 100%. Keep your expectations HIGH.

While I don't have experience w teens. I do believe in staying your ground. At that age, they are not ready to deal w the emotions that come w sex.

BC Pills is not just about preventing pregnancies there are many diseases out there that can't b cured. Take her to your library, show her pics what STDs look like.

Good Luck

[Vicki Kaniki]

I'd say she is being very responsible by wanting to get on the pill. Good for her.

Explain to her about your views on Planned Parenthood, and see if there is another place you can take her to get her birth control pills. Also, the talk about STD's and condoms is very important.

I know some people are advising that you push the abstinance idea, and I would agree that you should let her know that it is the safest route, but I wouldn't advise that you close the birth control option. The fact is that very few teenagers are going to stay virgins until they get married anymore, and making that mistake on her part could condemn her to a choice of either being a teen mother or having an abortion.

Considering your stated feelings towards Planned Parenthood, I would assume you would rather see her on birth control than getting an abortion. Having the baby at a young age would put her and the baby at a greater risk of ending up in the same position that has brought us all here to this board in the first place, foster care or adoptions.

While a young girl putting her baby up for adoption or having it taken away would certainly help further the dreams of some, it's really not best for parent or child to be put in that situation in the first place.

Good luck, and remember to impress the STD/condom issue on her too.

[kikibrando]

I have struggled with my feelings from the beginning where M is concerned. When she arrived, I stated as foster parents, we won't have a sexually active teen in our home. This is in my paperwork and licensing agreements with DSS, too. From the get go, I didn't want teens in my home because of the potential for things like this.

I didn't want my daughter to be the younger when she's the oldest. I didn't want the "education" my daughter has recieved from M. Frankly, and to be honest, probably more with myself, I didn't want to foster teens, but feel I could guilted into it in many ways. Adoption has come up many times, but deep in my gut, I don't feel that way about this child. I care, and care a lot, but at the end of the day, it's just not that kind of bond I would need to adopt a chlid. I tried to voice this to the caseworker and my husband when court came around and the plan was changed to adoption. However, I feel like I got beaten back down because the caseworker told me, "Well, if your own child (fill in the blank), you couldn't walk out on it." True. Difference is, I just don't FEEL that way about M. No matter how I try, I cannot make myself FEEL that way about it.

I've kept at it this long because I care about M and see a lot of good in her. But, at this point, I am compromising my morals and principals in my home, something I don't feel I should have to do for DSS, social worker, teenager. I'm deeply torn, and not sure where to go. I spoke to our home worker this morning, who said I am doing all I can do and doing it right. She said if I'm not comfortable with this child's decision to be sexually active, then it's perhaps time to find another foster home.

The other thing, I have my kids to worry about. Due to my religious beliefs, abstinence is stressed. I don't believe teens can control themselves and are capable of waiting. Still I don't think they should be allowed into situations which place them in the positions to have sex, either. Those STANDARDS, mine are pretty high for my kids. I have an issues that we have been very explicit about our position on PDA's in our home, and M has continually ignored this again, and again.

I don't feel my daughter, or my other children, should have to witness R's hands all over M's backside. My daughter shouldn't have to leave her bedroom because M's behavior, which is also occurred on my daughter's bed.

We talked to M last night. We explained our feelings and expectations. She asked we furnish her with condoms, and in a moment of weakness, I was stupid and I would do this. At the point of trying to compromise, I was weak and compromised my own morals. This a moral issues for my husband and I, and I'm just not comfortable condoning M's sexual activity while she's living at this house.

Additionally, my daughter already knows what's going on and it acting out for much of this. There' s been a history of double standard regarding my husband's treatment of M vs. our daughter, which favor's M. In the past, it's driven a wedge in my marriage. DH and I have fought over M. I dont' think we should be fighting over our foster children because there's no joy in it and my marriage should be suffereing because of foster parenting. Lately, it has been because we just don't agree on this. DH's approach has been, "Well, I did it..."
I told him I didn't, so I know it's possible for a teen to be abstinent. I feel giving into the expectation, "they will do it anyway," is setting poor standards.

Today, I am must MAD about all this. Last night M said, "Well, consider me the experiment becuase your going to deal with it with A, B, and C" (our daughters). Thing is, I EXPECT MORE FROM MY KIDS. M doesn't rise to the occassion, and that's okay. But we have asked, and asked, and asked, and M doesn't listen.

I want out.

[straightblues]

I agree with Jeanie as well.

I think by allowing her the pill now, you are sanctioning sex. How will you ever be able to give a rational explination to your other two children as to why you did the for FD but not for them???

The FD and her boyfriend are already disrespecting your rules. What do you think will happen when you give them the green light???

Give the FD your values, that is what we do as foster parents, not allow them to run us.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Well.. I still dont see how old she is... but perhaps there is a program for her age where they live on their own in a subsidised apartment (they have that here...)

I sort of agree with you... if your religious beliefs are so strong that this is going on, then perhaps it WOULD be better for her to be in a new foster home. You shouldnt bend for DSS... and you clearly view her as not good enough...

I wonder... since you have issue with Planned Parenthood... have you offered to take her to your own GYN? If she is old enough to make this decision, then she must be old enough for an initial check up. That, I think is starting responsibly... then she can hear these things from the doctor and not just a foster parent or teacher.. or what not. Plus she will be in a healthy habit of getting that yearly exam and what goes along with being healthy sexually.

I suppose that I think she needs guidance on how to be healthy about this.. and if your religion is keeping you from giving her that (outside of "dont do it") then she SHOULD be in another home.. She needs to learn how to be an adult at this point, if she is in the late teens that I assume she is.

What kind of programs might your state have for her? It would be sad to see a pregnancy and another statistic just for personal preference reasons, when she is trying to be responsible.. you know?

I think you should do what you feel you need to do before it is too late. There is nothing wrong with wanting out.. but there is something wrong with waiting and letting it fester like it is. That does no one any good.

Keep your beliefs, yes... but also keep her best interest in mind.

[kikibrando]

Given previous experience in another thread, I think you assume way too much based on the information I've provided.

Politely, I'll agree to disagree with you.

Have a good day.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

The only thing I assumed was that she was late teens... and upon researching the answer you said she was 17 in May.. so... ok.