[lakin11]

Well, in under 2 weeks, our kids bdad will be getting out of jail. I talked to CW today and she asked if we wanted to supervise the visits ourselves. DH and I had talked about doing so, as we feel we've established a good relationship with bdad through mail/pics, etc up to this point. Also he has a language barrier that will not help at the visitation centers....they do not have a supervisor who speaks Spanish....so who knows what he could tell them! With us, at least DH is fluent in Spanish and can know whats going on. CW is going to find out if we need to get special training or not. What do we need to know? What type of documentation do we need to do? How do we know they will believe us if something is said/done? I don't want to be accused of trying to manipulate the situation so that bdad looks bad, etc. We do not have to do the visits in our home, she said we can do it anywhere we felt comfortable. Where do you suggest? I don't know if he would be a flight risk or not...could very well take off with the kids to Mexico and get lost. Where is the safest place to do visits in that situation? Thanks!

[TAC]

Thought: Are you emotionally ready and capable to be that moderator for bdad? Moreover, why is DHS not providing an interpreter...even if their center has to contract someone or find someone from another part of the office seems irresponsible to me?

Where you are at with bdad and child as well as relationship with husband certainly can make this seem like "the right thing to do"- but if bdad gets rights back, you won't be interpreting for him unless you are ready to coparent in some sense.

I think it is a loving gesture by your part to put yourselves there, but I would second guess what in the best interest of everyone...helping one or three visits versus a committment for being a moderator permanently is a big difference too...the children may be happy to see dad more b/c you are there and they feel safe..is that the reality they will return to?


Good look with this. You really are caring people to even consider being this person for dad and his children.

pat

[hotspice58]

I, along with the foster/adoptive mother of my sons did this with their bmom. She wasn't in jail and knew English but we would meet at a park; take some food and let the kids visit. It's good that dh understands Spanish. This way bdad can't get away with anything.

[straightblues]

You are setting yourself up for failure. Don't let them talk you into doing this. They must provide a monitor for you.

What if the birth father does something wrong. (doesn't even have to be big). You are now in the position for having to repremand him. This is a very uncomfortable position to be in. You need to distance yourself from this siutation. The CW's monitor will give you that distance.

Also, when you go to court, it is better if a third party giving a report of the visits because anything you do will be considered bias.

Finally, most people are nice and carrying while in jail. His personallity may change drastically when he is out. Be prepared for this.

[sunnyandi13]

I can understand you wanting to do this as a means to help the family out, but I have to agree with StraightBlues when it comes to supervising visitation. I have been on both sides of it (supervising and having CW do supervision) and I'll tell you... it's very, very hard to supervise these visits.

With first FD, I had a "good relationship" with her mother and her mom even asked for me to do the supervision. I kept a journal of everything that occurred - but it didn't do any good when we returned to court. In spite of documented incidents of neglect (child burned accidentally while mom was smoking) and having to watch her ineffective parenting (FD had to wet herself before mom could tear herself away from TV to take her to the bathroom) - they still sent her home. You can't intervene in their partenting, you can't disrupt the visit if it goes badly and your voice won't count any with the courts whereas someone paid to supervise will. It was one of the most emotionally wrecking times I've ever experienced.

With my current foster-siblings, the CW does the visitation supervision with their mother and I can't tell you how much better it is. Mom is under a watchful eye at all times and her behavior is documented for the record. The kids also seem to respond better when they can separate you completely from birth family issues and it is so much easier to stay "positive" about reunification and their birth families when you don't have to witness the disfunction first hand.

The department must provide interpreter and supervisor, don't let them fool you otherwise. You don't have to do the supervision, and while I commend you for wanting to try (I also just wanted to help), it will be so emotionally trying that it's really not worth it, kwim?

[hubbyswife]

I agree w straightblues...

My husband and I would never do this..... Especially since we are a foster/adopt home.... not best interest....

[tctwhite]

DH and I are currently doing 1 dfcs supervised visit and 1 us supervised visit. We do this at McDonalds (the playground is inside and its too hot here to be outside) because the kids get to play and visit with their bios at the same time. We were uncomfortable at first but we had a good feeling about their bios. So far so good. If the kids misbehave, and their bios do not correct them, DH or I correct them as if they weren't there. Because ultimately the kids are in our care. If they went up to another kid and punched them in the face, we would be held responsible. However, we wouldn't do this with every set of bios. We didn't initially start this out before we knew their bios either. And the first time something goes wrong, they will be over. Their bios know this as well. Us being foster parents are "mandated reporters" so if something happens, our word should stand up in court.

[vesw01]

We would never do it either. We like being the good guys - we try to stay out of things. We want to be the neutral party. We will talk to the parents etc and even go to lunch with them or dr's appt for special things, but when that happens it is on my turf and my rules - they are along for the ride. I have one set of bios I would do this for, but not for the other set - comfort level. Anything for the official record, I want nothing to do with! I go to court and listen in, that is the best way to keep myself involved and the parents can view me as loving their kids and not against them.

[skristiesan2]

The bp's for my two fs's also did not speak English. DCS at first supervised the visits with an interpreter. Then when the bp's were not following thru on their plan. The court ordered supervised visits thru a visitation ctr. with no interpreter. Sometimes a local college student would be there that could interpret for the person supervising the visits. The only thing the bp's did on their plan was attend visits. They were once a week for an hour then about 10mths later every other week for two hours. My fs's were 2days and 12mths when they came into care. They have sinced been tpr'd and we now have an adoption date! Also it was great that an outside source even outside DCS testified in court about visits.

[skristiesan2]

Also forgot to say my husband is hispanic also but we didn't feel comfortable supervising visits. We never wanted it to be our word against theirs in court. It's always better for an outside source to testify in court.

[yanknrebel]

We did supervised visits at the DCS center. It had several rooms that have toys, a couch, table and a one way mirror so that the cw and supervisors could watch the bps interaction with the children. I was also allowed to stay with them(the twins) . Now with my daughter, the bps did not want me around during visitation, so I would have to have the cw come pick her up and they would go to the Carl Perkins abuse center. The cw would supervise these visits (as well as others that were there just in case). As your agency if they have a place that they allow supervised visits to be held.

yanknrebel

[AmahMama]

We do all of our own visits. It seems to be easier for the kids. We meet at a park, playground, mall - whatever is appropriate for the weather. I contact the cm if I need to change visits or the place for the visit. Mom has my cell number in case she can't make the scheduled time. I also give the cm the notes on each visit during our monthly checks. This way I know what is going on with the visit, what may have happened, and we can do them when it is best for the kids. When done by the Agency, it was at the Agency's convenience, and it seemed like it was always at nap time - or they were gone for hours for a short visit.

Maybe I'm a controller - it's possible - but for my fk's sake - I want to know what happens at each visit. It's not always easy - nothing about this is easy - and we don't have any conflicts as we are not looking to adopt. And we are both full time at home also, so there are many things to think about. I've had some placements where I never met the parent - and couldn't ask any questions that I had - the transporters and supervisors never remembered the question or the answer. Like: "I haven't had the pleasure of sharing my home with ??? for long. What are some of ???'s favorite foods? Has ???'s always needed a light on?" you get what I mean. Of course, there are other FC's that have never been home - so that isn't a good source of info. It also gives the BioP a chance to ask questions about the child - how's school, behavior, sports? By seeing the parent with the child - you may get an insight into behaviors that were unknown to you - or anyone else. The employee supervision is totally non-personal. Observing is learning.

I deeply feel that, if there are no conflicts, it is the best for the kids to have you there. Theyknow that they aren't being "moved" again.

If the visit goes badly - YOU CAN INTERRUPT IT. I have interfupted more than 1. If the BioP appears to be under the influence, INTERRUPT IT. Immediately contact the CW and relay reason for interruption. If the visits go badly, invite the CW to the visit also. Maybe ask the CW to make sure to "visit" with all at one visit per month. Our CW's drop in on visits without announcement so she can see - but I still ALWAYS document and provide copies during the home visit.

You have to decide for yourself.

[kaylasmom]

I have done visit's for a few of my bio-parents, I always get to know them first, and fill very comfortable with them, and them with me. I thought they ALWAYS started with a sw FIRST, that they make sure the parent is ok with the kids. They watch how the kids and parents interact with one another. I have never heard of a sw alowing a visit outside the department in the begining of the visits.
But as far as doing the visits, when and if the sw fills that the parent has proved themselves enough to do outside visits I have no prob. doing them. We do need to help these ppl learn how to parent again, and if I see or hear somthing that is not quit right I do interupt and say somthing, kinda rerout where the visit's are going. help them keep control of the kids.
And when and if there is a prob I tell the worker, and she addresses it.
I have even done visit's in my home.
As far as paper work, we do have a check list we have to fill out if the sw needs it. But usually she will do some of the visits and document her's for court.
I would not start off doing the visit's, maybe go and set in on them with the sw, let the dad fill comfortable with you, and make the kids fill more comfortable, and in time if he is whoyou have gotten to know in letters and such, then make the decision.
As to where, anywhere you fill comfortable, and that would be safe, for you the kids ect. never let them out of your sight and don't go alone if you think he is a flight risk. I don't understand why they would ask this of you in the beginning though. There has to be SOMEONE who speaks spanish, its not like thats a strange language, lots of ppl speak it. I would get to know any parent FIRST before I ever even considered it.