[kikibrando]

We received a placement of twin girls in May. From the beginning, the youngest twin has had issues being here. Recently, the last four weeks, she's announced she doesn't want to be adopted. Additionally, she said she wants to go back to her home state and be placed with a same-race parent. She's African-American. This, I believe is a reasonable request of a nine-year-old child.

The sad thing, the older twin has bonded with our family. The older J doesn't want to leave. This has pitted the twins against each other, but in the long run, I feel more harm would come from separation then their remaining together.

Younger J has been disruptive since placement, and we have been working with her all summer. She has aggressive tendencies, which have been held in check until now. She attacked Older J four weeks ago, choking and trying to push her down the stairs over a make up compact. When we confronted Younger J, she said she meant to hurt her sister and wasn't sorry.

The last few weeks have seen repeated incidents like this. She has become physically and verbally aggressive with all my children. The last few days have been especially bad, as now she's been aggressive with my 3 year old and I caught her fighting over a rattle with my one year old tonight. Now, I am concerned for their safety.

Younger J insists she doesn't want to be adopted and wants to go back to her home. We have told her this is fine and we will support her in doing this.

Has anyone here every experienced a child disrupting a placement for similar reasons?

I really think it's in Younger J's best interest to leave this placement if she is not happy in a transracial home and desires a same race home. I only wish this had been asked before we came to this. I feel so bad for this child, but really want her transition from my home to be peaceful and without the aggression. I've really tried, very hard, to make this work, but at the end of the day, I think it's best for everyone for her to leave.


I think this is a case where a lot of miscommunication has caused problems.

[MamaS]

I understand why you feel younger J would do better in a same-race home, especially since she can express that it is what she wants. But why send older J away when she has bonded with your family? Couldn't you maintain an open relationship and let them keep contact -- phone, emails, maybe visits? It seems as though the younger J will have a lot of power over her sister if she can "force" her to leave a home where she is happy just because the younger one isn't. And what if her physically abusive behavior to her sister is not a by-product of being in your home? What if it continues in the next home?
What does older J say she wants -- to go with her sister or to stay with you? Shouldn't her wishes be considered reasonable and honored as well? While many twins share a special bond of closeness, there are sets of twins who are constantly at odds -- fighting to be individuals -- check out the story of Jacob and Esau in the Bible.
Best of luck with whatever you decide.

[Mommy74]

OMG, I am so having the somewhat same issue. I have a sib of 3. 7yr old boy, 4 yr old boy and 6mth old girl. I also have 7 yr old bio boy and 4 yr old bio girl. The 7 yr old fs is always causing conflict with the 7 yr old bio son. He will torment himand make him cry 24/7. I know he is jealous and he is mad and sad but we cannot let him do this to our son. I feel bad because it would be perfect if the 7 yr old would be placed elsewhere but they go in 3. I care for these kids andhate feeling like this but my house is crazy. Now he is turning our own daughter against us. I feel your pain..

[tattudemom]

I agree with MamaS that older J's feelings should also be taken into consideration. You're looking out for her obviously in that you feel keeping them together would be beneficial, but consider that it could also be an issue of jealousy that may follow them to any placement. It may actually be better for older J to stay where she's bonded and secure, even without her twin. I'd talk to the CW and therapist and maybe even do a group discussion about the options with both girls. Has younger J expressed that she wants her sister to come with her back to their home state? Does she even mention the sister in her desires for placement or is the focus always on her wanting a different family, despite whether they're kept together? What a horrible situation for you all. However, if you have a pow-wow with them both, you can explain to younger J that just because she wants one thing, it doesn't mean her sister does, or that her sister must go along with it necessarily. This may come as a surprise if she's under the impression that wherever she goes, her sister will also. There's a lot to consider and the professionals are there to help you. I'd definitely call someone for assistance in sorting this out.

[TAC]

Wow, what a situation. My thoughts go out to you. I wish you strength and love during this anguishing process.

Pat

[Hadley2]

Blessings to you for trying to be so respectful of such a young person. Of course her feelings are valid and should be respected, and as the adult you can be a tremendous help to her in sorting out where they're really coming from and how dealing effectively with them would look in real life.

Maybe younger J really does have a highly developed sense of culture and race and a mature understanding of what it means to her core sense of self, etc. OTOH...

I have a hunch that younger J is simply moving through the grief, acceptance and integration (no pun intended) process much more slowly than her sister, now feels frightened and angry by the fact that sister is becoming "them" (one of the family) and she hasn't. She may actually feel terrified of being "left behind" emotionally outside the family circle and is putting herself in control of that by detaching from her sister and your family through acting out--she is also achieving confirmation of her self-image as bad, unlikable and unlovable.

In short, it sounds like classic attachment disorder behavior and that deep down, she may desperately want to belong in the way she sees her sister belonging.

When she says she wants to go to an AA family, she may have the belief that everything would be different because of race. Maybe there would be a difference, but I suspect that she would find that she had carried the real problem within herself to the new place and had lost her sister in the bargain.
Kids can be pretty good at showing us what they want and need, but their intellectual ability to recognize the real underlying issue, identify it and articulate it is not always good or reliable. She knows she is missing something, but she hasn't read Lazlow's hierarchy of needs so she jumps to an easy and obvious conclusion that it is based in race. Maybe it is, I wouldn't want to discount that, but the fact that her twin has come into the fold so well tells a little against it.

Have the girls been getting real attachment therapy? Have you and your family been directly involved in the therapy sessions? Have you engaged in attachment techniques at home (some of which, like feeding her, may seem silly, but really do advance and deepen attachment)?

They just haven't really been with you very long. If it were me, before breaking a twinship, I'd affirm her feelings while leaving out judment of her facts/conclusions (active listening--"I get the feeling you feel left out" "It sounds as if you miss feeling like you belong," etc.), and let her know that as time goes by, everyone involved respect her feelings and take them into consideration. In the meantime, seek out attachment help, schedule one-on-one time with her--simple things like cooking or gardening together, a quick card or board game, maybe go bowling or to a special place for an afternoon dessert, etc., and also find integrated and AA activities.

Immediate relief from the kind of acting out you describe in our house has taken the form of me taking the child away from the others in a time-in. We often use our porch, fresh air, bubble-blowing or kicking a ball, something physical, then holding and talking. At 9, your young J is still just young enough to work in holding her on your lap, singing softly, etc.

Taking a car ride with preteens and teens sometimes works well as you can get in a lot of talk time without the intimidation of face-to-face interaction and eye contact. Of course, you wouldn't say, "let's go for a ride and talk," you'd have to suddenly have an errand to run....

Good luck, it sounds as if you are a sensitive and caring person and will find a path that brings good things to these girls.

[kikibrando]

unfortunately, it's out of my hands now. Younger J demanded in an e-mail to her social worker she be removed as soon as possible. This is now happening.

Addressing the aggression, we have a 3 and 1 year old. She's been very aggressive with the little ones, and this factored heavily into the decision. Our agency here made it known the baby (the half-sister of our son, Ben) could be removed due to the aggression. We have raised her since birth and feel, just as with the twins, we have the responsibility to keep them together if at all possible.

I feel badly about the twins impending separation. It's really not my decision, as I would have actually opted to keep them together, preferably.

Your right, more should be done for Younger J. We have been waiting for coverage for insurance through Medicaid. Older J will definitely be getting it when possible.

Thanks for your response. I'm sure your right on the money, so to speak.