[~*Max*~]

I thought I would feel excited but I am just kinda meh about this. I feel (as a single foster parent) very trapped. I am doing the right things and saying the right things but though they are basically good kids, don't feel remotely captivated. Normal? Maybe part of the problem is having to take off four days from work (so I have a whole week off including Labor Day) and fill out mounds of paperwork and run many errands so I have a week of pretty much zero alone time. I am used to doing what I want, when I want outside the bounds of work. Please tell me it is going to get better!

[stevenstwin]

Yep - it sounds about right. It's an adjustment for anyone - and since you didn't have kids before, it REALLY is an adjustment in your amount of freedom. I think it will get better - OR you will discover that this is just NOT something you want to do. At least then you'll know. As for the not being instantly in love with them, that sure as heck takes time. I've known women that didn't instantly feel captivated by the children they gave birth to! And I didn't instantly love A. - I knew him for several months before he came here, so that feeling had a while to grow. My husband and daughters didn't even really know him at first, but have grown to love him over the months that we have been together. (Although, right now I don't think any of us LIKE him much! LOL - but that's a whole 'nother post).

[~*Max*~]

I saw - mercy!! I don't think I'd have what it takes to parent A! I think you are very little short of a saint even if you do feel like screaming sometimes.

I am kinda surprised. I always wanted to be a mom, always, and spent thousands on infertility treatment before deciding to pursue this route to parenthood. I loved working in day care. My niece and nephew adore me. I WAS captivated by O and E, the two I had for respite recently, but The Incident (simulating intercourse against me) has me questioning whether I can be the right mom for O or not.

Hopefully it's just a matter of adjusting to the huge lifestyle shift and getting a good support system established. :/

[stevenstwin]

Yeah, I was thinking that the disturbing experience you had with O might also be contributing to you not feeling really excited right now. Might take a little while to get over that, but I think you'll enjoy these two once you can relax a little.

[twinflana]

It takes alot to parent children by yourself. I did not instantly feel love for my first placement who was a 2 day old newborn, I was distancing myself because I knew she would be leaving. However by the time she left at 9 weeks there was that love and I did grieve for her when she left.

[straightblues]

This isn't going to be popular but I feel like I should say it. I think being a single parent is nearly impossible. I couldn't do it and wouldn't do it. You will get into a routine and it will get easier, but without the help of a second comitted person, your life and all of your free time will be consumed. The children need two parents, and the parents need two parents. Yes Men and Fathers are necessary and helpful creatures.

[Luvbeingmommy]

Being a single parent is HARD, but it is not impossible. Kids do NOT need two parents. In an ideal world that would be great, but in an ideal world we would not be fostering would we? I have been a single parent for 15 years. Wait a minute -- I guess that would be almost 23 years (my son will be 23 this month). I have been divorced for 15 but even when I was married "he" did zero to very little parenting. As single parents, we have to have a different support system -- family, friends, church, etc.
Hang in there ~Max~ you can do it!

[Stacy'n'Kids]

I didn't see the thread about "The Incident", but just the eluding to it makes me shudder!!!

I don't think it's impossible to be a single parent- not at all. In some ways, it might be easier and more relaxing. But I have to interject here <WITH NORMAL KIDS>

If I had only my "normal" birth kids, I could be a single parent easily. Add my foster son into the mix- he is a VERY difficult little guy- and the answer to, "Could I be a single parent?" would change to a resounding, "NO WAY!!!!!" There is NOTHING I look forward to as much as my husband coming home every day to take some of the load off and to listen to me whine and vent (lovely for him) about my day! Foster kids can be okay, but if they're HARD kids, then doing it alone would be... Well.... nearly impossible, in my opinion!

But then, I've never done it! But I know for a FACT that if something were to happen to my husband while our foster son was just fostered (we're hoping to adopt him- key word WE'RE), I would have to let our foster son go. I could NOT deal with him alone.

Will it get easier for you? Hopefully! But not necessarily! And your feelings for the kids MAY grow, but just like how you couldn't stick any random person in the world into your home and guarantee over time you'd love that person, it's the same with foster kids.

I have always loved kids, too... I was a babysitter, a personal live-in nanny, and worked at a daycare. I had my nieces and nephews around. I had my bio kids. NONE of that prepared me for what it would be like to be a foster parent!

Sorry this is tough- I understand!

[~*Max*~]

Thanks everyone. I was thinking tonight of all the parallels I have had between fostering pets and the "real" world of fostering - like I took in an emotionally disturbed emergency short-term placement and 5 months later, she is still here!

And one of the four siblings I rescued was absolutely my least liked when I first got them. He was really loud and kind of annoying. But now that I have lost his brother (who I loved very much and mourned harder than for any person in my life so far) due to severe congenital heart disease, I can't express how very dear Cameron is to me.

I won't even take a vacation as long as he's alive (a matter of months, probably, though he's only 13 months old) because I currently feed him specially prepared food 4x/day and pill him twice a day (4 pills each time), and I doubt anyone else would give him the level of care I want for him. So, to draw another parallel, I know that I can probably come to love a child dearly who comes to me with issues as well and be willing to make a big commitment.

One question so as not to be a board hog: tonight I made spaghetti with (narrow) fettuccine pasta, which was the one D chose in the store. I said it was fettucine at the time, but basically the same thing as spaghetti noodles but I guess he wasn't listening. He refused to eat it tonight. He swore he tried it and it tasted different, but I never saw the fork go to his mouth. I DO cook it not far past al dente but enough past to soften it up a bit for a child's palate. I think he was just upset that it didn't look like the noodles at home. I said we'd put it in the fridge and if he wanted it later he could have it. I said that I was not going to prepare another meal, but would put something quick together if he liked. Right answer? He chose graham crackers only and ate them with his milk. He said he was full and didn't want anything else then.

Also, "darned" if he didn't read Jonah and the Whale at the doctor's today and ask me if praying to God made our prayers "come true." So we had to have the tough talk about that...poor little guy. :/

[Grrltrouble]

My son (straight adopt, no fostering here yet) has been home almost a month now. It has been a very strange time with summer programs ending, and school not starting yet. And of course figuring out all the social services hoops and how to jump through at the same time. Thankfully my parents are very supportive and live very close. Since things can be a little intense, to say the least, being with the darling for days at a time with no breaks can be maddening. A few times, I have found myself looking forward to going to work .
I am convinced, though, that once school starts and we settle into a routine, things will feel a lot more comfortable. Not necessarily easier, but hopefully a little more predictable - enough that I will be able to relax a bit more and enjoy being with him.
Would it be nice to have someone swoop in and help out when I'm having a bad day? Of course. Can I do it without a "knight"? Definately. I am learning to take great pleasure in any small chunk of time when I am able to do something that I like to do or that's just for me. For example, putzing in the front garden while he rides his bike yelling, "Watch, Mom!" everytime he rides past. Also, since he is a bit clingy, I have found that he really respects a closed bathroom door and will go amuse himself while I take a break to read a funny article or play a mindless handheld game for a couple of minutes. Also helpful is anything that breaks up the "just the two of us alone forever" intensity that seems to want to build up at times. Like Grandpa stopping to say hi while he's out riding his bike, or chatting with the neighbor for a couple of minutes. Isolation is not a good thing.
It would be lovely if everyone could have a picture perfect nuclear family, but it is not our reality. And I think that in some cases a single parent can be better for kids who need help in healing and learning how to relate with others in a healthy way.

About dinner, I think that a good rule is you don't have to eat what has been made, but you will not get something else cooked. Do you need help making a sandwich? Graham crackers are good. Bananas are also filling. My son is 8, so he is able to read and follow directions on microwaveable foods with a little help, too. If you want to be picky, you need to learn to do for yourself. This too, though, I think will straighten itself out in time as I learn more about his likes and dislikes.

[~*Max*~]

Thank you so much for your perspective grrltrouble - I feel better!!

As far as the two parent thing, yes, I agree that in general two parents is ideal and if there were ample two parent families available for fostering and adopting, it would be a good thing. But there aren't, and it's a very good thing there are single parents happy to step in and contribute to the future of our little ones too.

[LibbyHawkins]

I too am a single parent with just my first placement. I entered into foster care hoping to adopt and then thought maybe foster for awhile and see how that goes. Well, I ended up with my first placement being pre-adoptive and I felt a lot like you. Trapped, is this the right thing? Do I really want to be a mom(even though I thought I did . . .ever since I was 6 yrs old)?

I too was someone who liked a lot of alone time and am quite happy to be on my own. No more of that. It seriously took me about 10 weeks to adjust. Now I have decided to adopt the girls if they do become available. Captivated? Perhaps not. . .I am though, slowly but surely falling in love. Is it fireworks and butterflys? No, it is real, day to day love.

I think in the position of Foster Parent, you some finder it harder than others to let go and fall for the kids. Probably wise for our hearts.

Just thought I would share, our experiences seem similar although you have even more to deal with. Good luck, and enjoy it as much as you can. If the kids are healthy and happy in your care, you must be doing something right.