[ajrl]

I agreed to take in a new placement last week. 10 year old boy w/ ADHD and ODD. The last foster parents could not handle it.

I think that DFCS has me pegged to help out the ones that no one else can work with...THIS IS PERFECTLY FINE W/ ME. But darn it.. Why are people like this???

I am again the 6th house that he has been at in only 2 months.

The other houses couldnt get him up for school, get him to do homework, or to have a peaceful day.

Now mind you I am strict and the first day I tell in a nice voice.. here are my rules if you dont listen to me then we will have to do things the hard way. Every time you misbehave and it's for the same "crime" over and over you will get extra punishment. So then I explain what our punishment is..

First it is talking... hmmm does not good then move on
Then we go through a regimine of exercises.. none of which are fun.. easy ones to start.. if you give me a hard time then we go to a second one.. then that one you get for 5 mins.. then you give me a hard time and the timer goes up one min per outburst.

So first test... Did not do homework in afterschool care... Found out that day.. and I said.. here is your punishment for not doing homework.. What ever you were assigned then you have to do that plus either tonight or tomorrow depending on our time frame you owe me the same amount of homework you didnt do. So for example, you didnt do your 8 sentences you now have to do it.. Cant go to bed till it's done and then tomorrow you owe me 8 more sentences. If this happens again you will get double the homework and then owe me pushups on top of it.

OK lets see now how many more days this week he comes home w/o doing his hw.. If it's not completed in school that's ok by me.. He has time issues. But if it's not started.. ohhhhhh then he owes me.

Then next control issue.. all day long i tell him up he tells me down. i tell him left he tells me right.. over and over this goes all day long. I say black it's white.. There were so many issues I cant even tell you on Friday. So finally after trying to hook up his own personal alarm clock that I got him and him telling me for the upteenth time how do to my own job.. grrrrrrrrrr I had enough.. Go give me 50 pushups... with this I got I hate you I want to go to a new foster home. I told him sorry You are not leaving here. I will not be sending you away. Then after the grueling time w/ punishment, I told him that I am going to treat him the same way i treat my daughter. I expect the same respect from him. The following day.. we had the same conversation. I now got from him why cant you be like the other foster parents they dont care about me and I dont want you to care about me. I said sorry you are under my roof and I will love you the same that i love my daughter and you will be treated like one of the family. And this means that you follow the rules, I will love you, and every night I will tuck you in and kiss your forehead and wish you sweet dreams.

OK now tell me this.. What are other foster parents doing that they do not show the kids in their houses love and respect??? I can not have a child in my house that I do not give a piece of my heart to.

I have not had a problem with him other than setting limits and following through so that he knows what will happen if he doesnt do what I say. He is really the sweetest little boy that might get lost in this system.


AJ

[queenjane]

I hear you. I'm not a foster parent (waiting to be matched for adoption) but i don't get how kids can just get passed from one foster home to another. I understand if there was a huge discrepancy between what the agency told you of a child, and the actual child (turns out to be sexually abusive, very violent etc)and its a safety issue. But shouldnt FPs be expecting that kids are hard to handle, act out, etc?

Recently, here in MI, a 2 yr old foster child was killed in his foster home (blunt trauma to the head), they don't know who did it yet but the fm's other fkids and bio kids were removed. This child, and his 4 yr old sister were removed from their bio home for extremely filthy conditions, and this home in which he was killed was their *fourth* foster home. 4?!? In two months? That has to be terrible for little kids.

Sounds like you're doing a great job with your new guy. Good luck!

Katherine

[lomax]

I think you are just better at handling childern that are harder to deal with then the other foster parents were. It is sad that your FS felt that way about his other foster parents but maybe the other foster parents tried and just could't make it work. It does not necessarily mean that they did anything wrong. You have the gift to be able to handle the the harder chldren and some others don't have it. Your FS is blessed to be with you.

Barbara

[tpakra]

Just a word of caution, and I don't know if it's the same in all states, but in our state, it is against foster care policy to make the child do exercises, such as push ups, as a form of discipline.

[Lorraine123]

I agree with the above poster. Many do not agree with exercises as a way to gain compliance. In many states, it is considered abuse. So, be careful.

It seems that you focus alot on punishment. While I agree totally that a child needs to be polite and respectful, this should not be gained through punishment. You will get compliance, but compliance alone isn't what you want. Sorry if I misread your post, but it seems that you do alot of punishing.

Many parents are unable to handle emotional special needs children. We all have different gifts and abilities. Social services rarely discloses the needs of children upon placement and maybe the previous homes were just not cut out for an ODD child. Having a child agrue about every thing you say is very wearing. I don't think its that the foster parents aren't showing the kids love and respect. Love and respect don't tame an ODD child.

[Kate1129]

You are doing a wonderful job!!! Keep telling him you love him and aren't giving up on him, he needs to hear it!!!!

Yes do be careful about he excercises (in my state we can have excercise as a "corrective behavior", but it's not like that in all states).

[momof2redheads]

As I read you post I kind of got a little angry. Not at you but at your thoughts. Let me explain. We have a fd right now that has ALOT of issuses. We got her about 9 months ago. She has: Peed in our air vents (on purpose), she has acted out sexually against a boy and another time a girl, destoryed a dresser drawer (twice), screamed, banged her head, scratched herself until blood is drawn, bit herself and blamed others, called myself a few nasty names, hit me with her hands, threw- books,toys,and backpacks at me, she has stolen special things from other children, (this list could really go on for another page.) Sometimes some kids are really hard to deal with. When we recieved into our home this fd we were her 6th placement in only 5 months. She would hurt other children in the other foster homes (especially babies). We have tried our best to help her. She has been treated like one of our own kids, however I have just had to put in my notice. Not because I wanted to get rid of her but because she is hurting my family. I have a special needs son in which she will send running when she screams and bangs. When you point it out to her she does it more. My youngest son is now sick almost every day with stomach problems due to the stress she causes in our house.
My point to my story is this, We are all trying to help these children, but if the behaviors are affecting your family then you have to have them removed. We didn't want to but in the best interest of her and my family it is the best decision.
I agree that sometimes it is hard to see kids pass from place to place but sometimes best wishes aren't enough to help a child.

[stevenstwin]

Well, it sounds to me like you are doing a good job with him, but please don't assume that previous foster parents did NOT show him love and respect. An ODD kid will tell you that, even if it isn't true! My 15 year old ADHD/ODD has pulled that about his last foster home and his teachers last year - forgetting that I know all these people. His foster parents were darn good to him, if not a great personality fit, and he'll admit it most times ...but catch him in an oppositional defiant moment, and he'll tell you they were mean and nasty! Now, as for the exercises...I don't know in terms of right or wrong, but I'll tell you one thing...eventually an ODD child is likely to just plain old refuse to do them. What then? How will you punish him for refusing his punishment? Frustrating, I know, but I've found that if I MUST punish I have to use things I can control (like taking away a privilege) rather than things that HE can control (like adding an extra chore). Or else it deteriorates into enforcing the punishment instead of dealing with the original issue!

[Tracey17]

The problem, as I see it, is that there simply is not enough training where behavioral issues are concerned. Ten weeks of classes for 3 hrs a week was NOT enough to prepare us for the difficulties we faced with our 5yo FS. They needed to spend more time on that. AND there are not enough supports in place that can react swift enough when a foster home is in crisis. I lived it...for over a year...it's a faulty, insane system. And the kids lose.

[Lorraine123]

Stevenstwin made a good point. You are still in the honeymoon phase of this placement.

[shy_bear]

I don't think you can pt. a negative finger at other fp's for the choices they make about having kids moved. I know when we were fostering it just became too much for me. I had four kids under the age of 5 with a hubby who worked 6 days a week and very long hours. I was becoming physically ill from being so stressed and so tired. They were not hard to place kids that had lots of problems, they were wonderful kids. It was just too much for me and everyone was suffering.
It is so easy for us standing on the outside to say what we do, but until you are in another family's home living their life you can't comment.
Do I think it is healthy or right for fc to be bounced around; of course not!! I agree with so many others that their needs to be more training and support for foster parents before they take a placement and during a placement.

[ajrl]

Thank you all for responding.

I do appreciate all the feedback.

I know it sounds like it's a lot of exercise.. I was focused on that when I wrote this thread. I do do more than that and lots of positive reinforcement and treats (not food) and other things. But I have found that the kids know they get love. We tell them all the time. I wasnt pointing fingers. I was just trying to say that everyone needs more hands on training.

Imagine if you were left in a room alone w/ a child that suffered from one or more disorders.. How would you handle it??? It's one thing to say.. get down to his/her level and talk in a nice even keeled voice.. but it's another to be "stuck, locked or forced" into a room where you have a kid kicking and screaming and banging his head on the ground for attention.

Now what would you do?? If you had no training you might go and try to pick him up.. now he just bit you on the face... or what ever else might happen for him/her to lash out at you..

Did your 10 Maps/impact classes prepare you for this?? I dont think so.. So what can we do to help each other become better foster parents??

And I think it's wrong that these kids get bounced around. I know that we as fp once a situation isnt going the way it should can call DFCS to come pick up the kids.. AND BELIEVE ME.. I KNOW THAT SOME KIDS WE CANT HELP... but if someone only guided us better then maybe there would not be so much jumping around from house to house.

I believe that we each should have our own mentor.. someone that has been in fostercare longer than we have.. that we can call when we are ready to pull our hair out.. Or when our heart is beating faster and our blood pressure is rising... The CW's dont want to hear that we are having a hard time.. or come pick up this kid.. and they tell you there isnt another place for them to go. Or it will take a week or two to find another foster home.

Imagine if we had a county list.. that said.. hey Mark has been trained to deal w/ children that have been sexually abused.. if you have any questions or need anything call him.. or Tina knows how to handle children w/ RAD.. call her if you need anything.

Just like the saying it takes a village to raise a child... We should have access to our village. And then our training should be more hands on and not just book oriented. Maybe perhaps we need to conduct our Impact classes at a group home or a mental facility and see how to deal w/ some of these issues..

Again really thanks for your responses.. Maybe this might help someone else that is having problems w/ the child/ren in their care.

AJ

[tpakra]

I agree about the list for each county, and lukily, my county has one. It took the initiative of one of the foster parents to get it started. She maintains it and sends out a new list every year, adding the new foster parents to it. She also notes who will do respite and who won't. If you want your county to have something like that, then try to put something together. Contact DCS and get the ball rolling and let them know what you want to do. They probably won't help much, but they do need to know what you're doing. They may point you in the direction of a seasoned vetran who may be willing to help. They may also be able to give you the name of a mentor. I know that they offered that to me for my first newborn, even though I didn't contact that person. If you're having trouble, speak up and make them listen. They'd rather give you the name of someone to help or talk to, than to lose you as a foster home for that placement.

[stevenstwin]

More training and more support would definitely make a huge difference - and maybe preserve some of the placements that fail! You are so right that what we do instinctively as moms (and dads) doesn't necessarily WORK with kids with various different disorders. And whose to know? Most of us find out by a lot of trial and error. My foster son started out as my student, and I have to tell you there is NO better training for teachers, either. We have training in some of the biggies, like Autism and FAS - but I'd never HEARD of RAD and such others as a teacher. In fact, I have to tell you this funny story - when we had a staff meeting regarding my now foster son, early last Septemeber, it was to tell us that he is (among other things) diagnosed ADHD and ODD. One of the teachers in the room got this strange look on his face and said "Why do they want to tell us he is odd? LOTS of our students are kind of odd!". Point is - we'd never heard of Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and had no tools to deal with it - and I"VE now been the one teaching everyone else, and only because I've really worked hard to educate myself, and learned through my "baptism by fire" in actually LIVING with A.