[stevenstwin]

I'm thinking of my own situation, of course - but it might make an interesting discussion in more general terms as well. TPR has gone through on my 15 year old foster son (here in Alberta, it is called a "permanent guardianship order" - with guardianship being granted to Children's Services). We are keeping him permanently, but have to decide under what program we are doing that. Here is the background to consider: his bio mom is dead, and his bio dad is completely out of the picture. He has been raised since the age of six by his maternal uncle, and has a very strong bond with him. (this is the man whose rights were terminated on Friday – he had Private Guardianship, never adopted). He also has other bio relatives who are important to him - aunt, cousins, grandparents - but none who have ever been suitable to parent him. He will be continuing to have some degree of contact with all of them, and I suspect will always call his uncle “dad”. We’ve had him as a foster child since January, under the “kinship care” umbrella, since I knew him previously as a student. Now- Children’s Services is pushing for us to assume Private Guardianship. The philosophy is to move for as much permanency as possible – and it would also save them money (currently we get about $800 a month, and they pay for his school fees ($350 this semester), counseling, and transportation to visit siblings 600 miles away. With our gross income being over $60,000 a year, we would get nothing –if we were under, we’d still get all that – so they’ll save a bundle on us). Private Guardianship would basically give us the same rights as a parent and get him out of the foster system forever, but our LEGAL responsibility to him ends when he turns 18. HOWEVER, his counselor does NOT feel this is a good idea – she thinks with his strong family connections and divided loyalty issues, he’d likely sabotage Private Guardianship. She is recommending for long term foster care instead. My GUT feeling is that he’ll never really feel like he belongs to us if we do that, and that he NEEDS a more permanent relationship. Interesting because I know HIM better than the counselor does, but she’s certainly had more experience in general. As for adoption – no one has even MENTIONED it, so it isn’t on the table. Because of his age and strong family connections, I guess he is considered “unadoptable”. Everyone assumes he’d never go for that, but of course no one is asking him (and on a financial note – our estate is small – my girls are probably only going to share in the proceeds of our house, not much else. My foster son already has a $100,000 trust fund of his own). And lastly – his social worker keeps raising the idea of independent living – getting him into some sort of assisted living program when he turns 16. At his age, that sounds kind of appealing (I think he imagines it as complete freedom) – but I can NOT see it working for him. It has an extremely high failure rate anyway, and he’s just not ready for it (he can't get himself showered (literally would NEVER bathe if I didn't tell him to) or to school on time as it is - and wasn't able to hold onto the part time job he got. He quit it because the boss was "rude" to him - telling him what to do! Not exactly ready for life on his own!). So – any thoughts or ideas? I’ve seen it said a few times on this board that “I’ve never heard of a child that doesn’t want to be adopted” and “adoption is always best” – but here is just that kind of complex situation!

[ldurham]

Why has no one asked him what he wants? He's at the age that although he may not know the exact words to tell you how he's feeling - I think you'd get the general idea or if talking things through is something he's not comfortable about have him write you. I know it sounds odd, but my 19 year old keeps her mouth shut like a clam, but ask her to write something and it will have more pages than The Grapes of Wrath.

[Tudu]

I have fostered teen girls for many years and I did not have one that wanted to be adopted. They all continued in fostercare despite my want to adopt them. They had very strong ties to theri family and thought it would hurt their family's feelings. Some thought if they remained in care there was a chance to go back home regardless of the fact they knew the parents were unfit and rights had been terminated.

As an adult, one of my girls request to be adopted by us and she changed her mind just days before our court date. She has had no family for years except us, her children call me Nana, and she calls me daily for support. I don't know what she really wants but adoption is not it. We remind her regularly she is a part of our family with or without the paperwork.

We are in the process again and our oldest living in our home was against adoption until we explained she is not losing her family but gaining another one. She was afraid she would be "deleting" her mom and dad. We asked her if we would be deleting our daughter if we adopted again and that seemed to really help her come to terms with it. She also worries about DFCS being involved in her life and was willing to talk about adoption if they would be leaving her alone.

[stevenstwin]

ldurham - he isn't able to articulate what he wants. He is so confused - the only clear thought he's been able to give is that he wants to go "home". Now that he knows that can't happen, he's VERY clear on wanting to stay with us - but goes back and forth all over the place on foster vs. guardianship vs. adoption. The counsellor says it isn't even fair to ask him - that he's emotionally about a 7 year old (please note - not MENTALLY - he's very smart, but extremely EMOTIONALLY damaged) and we wouldn't ask a 7 year old to make such a decision. She says we have to make that for him, with sensitivity to what is best for him - although, obvioulsy, if we do got P.G. or Adopt he'll have to give his formal consent at that time.

[ldurham]

I'm sorry to hear that he's been through so much, it would make your job so much easier if he were able to articulate his wishes - but if he is clear on wanting to stay with you which can be addressed by kinship care why not let things stay as they are? Would you still get the financial assistance under kinship - because truthfully it's not about how much money Childrens Services would save, but how much value the financial assistance adds to his life. I agree with you on the Independent Living piece - what sense of permanence is that supposed to offer, and how would that impact him emotionally - wouldn't he feel like he's loosing you too? And, if you don't mind me asking why was adoption never put on the table? It sounds like that may be the direction your leaning towards and it appears that he could only benefit from it - even if it's not all clear to him right now. Isn't that one of a parents greatest responsibilities - to guide our children in the direction that's in their best interest in the long run and not just the right now?

[stevenstwin]

Yes - I agree with you on all points. And we certainly can continue on as we are now - I like your attitude about the money. I'm certainly not making any kind of a profit on him - but the services they pay for are necessary and would really stretch my family budget. Adoption has not been put on the table AT ALL because of his age and family ties. They feel that would probably be really damaging to him because he'd feel that his family was being taken from him even more completely than it already has - although I really like the way Tudu described discussing this with her daughter! I also harbour some belief that the social worker just doesn't SEE him as adoptable because of his age and emotional needs. I'm going to leave things as they are for now and see what he expresses to me over the next few months. I know that one thing he really WOULD like is to not have Children's Services involved in his life anymore. Although - I have to admit they are a bit of a security blanket for ME as well! I have occasionally hidden behind "no you can't do that because your social worker says so", which makes him free to be angry with her and blame her for things, and let me remain the 'good guy'. She has encouraged that, because he does carry so much anger and resentment about being taken out of his home in the first place - he's told me that he thinks if I have private guardianship I can let him go back to his dad! I told him pretty strongly that THAT could never happen. But right now it is all the "fault" of the evil social worker, so he's still free to love me and bond with me, because *I* am not the one keeping him from his dad. Oh, he is a complex child! LOL

[ldurham]

He sounds like quite a handful. But he has got to know - as I do from our brief chats - that you are absolutely inlove with him and only concerned with doing what's best for HIM! He's a lucky boy. Good luck - we may not always get what we want - but we certainly get what we need.

[stevenstwin]

aw - thanks! It is true I love him like crazy, although I gotta tell you that we've just had a Holy Heck of a day that made me wonder why ;-) Just a big, big, stupid blow up. He went out to hang with his friends, and I took my younger daughter out for lunch and to regroup my defenses - I get back and there is a note taped to the outside of the front door.."Stasia - I'm really sorry about this morning. In jeneral." and he signed both his first and last name, I guess so I wouldn't be in any doubt about who it was. LOL

[vesw01]

That is so sweet of him to leave a note - bet that wasn't easy!

I would push for the $$, especially if he is considered "unadoptable" - I know money isn't everything, but for us we would never be able to have our kids here without the extra funding. We worry that some day our Fd's will be up for adoption - we just would not be able to afford two more kids in daycare that we would have to pay for.

Good luck and keep loving him!

[ldurham]

stevenstwin, i bet it wasn't easy for him to apologize - even on paper. Teenagers today go through so many things that we never considered at their age. I was talking to a girl friend of mine this morning and her daughter is taking her through the fire and has been the last 6 years. She's bipolar and refuses to take her medication - so she's never quite "balanced".

The apology in itself is a good sign - letting you know that he is not looking trouble and is willing to admit when he is wrong - something my 19 year old daughter very rarely does - but something my 10 year old son does all the time. It's amazing how these kids are like night and day and how parents have to always be ready to adjust to give each kid what they need specifically.

I pray that everything works out for what's best for all and it says a lot in that you are more than taking his feelings into consideration and not just focusing on what you want. I'm sure he feels it too - hence the apology.