[kxl164]

Can a foster parent get couseling for feeling anger or depression or for whatever reason without losing their foster children?

Will the county help you with this or is it better to go through your own doctor?

I think my husband and I might benefit from talking to a counselor, for ourselves and how we are feeling. Nothing major is going on, our marriage is fine, we have actually been closer since our foster children came, but I still think we would do better if we had somone to talk to about how we were feeling w/o feeling judged.

Is it ok, for foster parents to ask the county with help with this, or should be just try and find someone ourselves?

Any thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated, I don't want to ignore this feeling that I have the we could benefit from talking with someone, but I don't want to lose my foster children over something minor either. We could just try and talk to friends more... but I was just thinking that someone with no interest in our lives would be best.

[mom2GRLC]

I would not involve DHS at all. Counceling should be maybe referred through your doctor and then kept private (in my opinion). There are many times I felt I could have really benefited from counceling but was too afraid to proceed foreward because of the same reason, except it was during the time we were working on adopting our little ones. I didn't want to give the court or DHS any reason to think we couldn't parent our children. So instead I struggled on my own, did a lot of journal writing and praying and talking with my sister and stuff. But I do wish I had the opportuinity to talk to someone about what I was feeling and going through.

Some things that are helpful...depending on the problems your having..is to attend some continued education course. In doing so you can get some help and suggestions straight from professionals (we usually took the free classes held through our local childrens hospital) or the classes offered through "centers for yourth and families also professional councelors). In doing so you not only get help from the teacher but the classmates as well and other fosterparents.

Good luck on whatever you choose. I would say go for it...but i personally was just to afraid to..I know stupid of me....it really could have helped.

[~*Max*~]

Not to bogart, but speaking of this, do you think it's ok to admit I am getting counseling for my issues?

[Boulderbabe]

I was in private counseling almost the entire time my son was a foster child. Foster-adopt situations are so stressful, and therapy was an important tool for me to help keep it together and be a good parent. DSS here knew I was in therapy and supported it. My SW even said, "Healthy people know how to take care of themselves. We like to know that you have the capability of accessing resources when you need help, because that means you can do so for the kids, too."

YMMV, but I think counseling can be very helpful.

[kxl164]

If we do get couseling we'll just do it on our own, I think.

I'm going to talk to my Dr. about it next week, he is usually great with referrels to other Drs., and my foster son's play therapist next week also.

I sort of broached the subject with someone from the county today and they kind of pushed me towards talking and connecting with other foster parents as opposed to a counselor... I think me might try the other foster parents first, but if we ever really think that a couselor would be appropriate we will go that route.

I don't think getting help should ever be looked down on, I would rather get help before there is a problem or as soon as I recognize a problem than wait. It should be seen as a strength and if it was an issue that was taking away from our lives at all then I would immediately.

Thanks for the responses and any other thoughts ...

[pechocha]

I was just going to tell you to connect with other foster parents, maybe you won't be alone in what you are feeling.. Also, sometimes the county has some sort of support group for Foster/adopt parents, ask you SW.

Isa

[kxl164]

OK, well I found out something interesting... medical insurance will only pay for counseling if you are diagnosed with a mental disorder and it is deemed medically necessary.

If you are diagnosed with a mental disorder the county can come and take the kids away from you.

If you feel the need for therapy and pay out of pocket it is really expensive.

So it is a Catch 22, if you need help and get help you can lose the kids, if you need help and don't get help you can lose the kids, if you need help and get help and pay for it yourself you can keep the kids but not have any money to take care of your family.

You can't win.

We are not going to go to couseling, we are talking to more foster parents and are looking to start a support group/meeting for foster parents in our county to help support each other.

[stevenstwin]

Oh, that's too bad. It seems really unfair :-( now - here's one possible angle - our department DID pay for some "family counselling" for us under the theory of preserving the placement. My foster son had some pretty big behavioural issues and my husband and daughters were pretty stressed - so we had a few sessions aimed at helping us deal with the changes in our lives and managing conflict, etc. They were acknowledging that the "need" for counselling was directly related to the fostering, rather than anything "wrong" with us.

[tyiakoum]

Originally Posted by kxl164

OK, well I found out something interesting... medical insurance will only pay for counseling if you are diagnosed with a mental disorder and it is deemed medically necessary.

If you are diagnosed with a mental disorder the county can come and take the kids away from you.

If you feel the need for therapy and pay out of pocket it is really expensive.

So it is a Catch 22, if you need help and get help you can lose the kids, if you need help and don't get help you can lose the kids, if you need help and get help and pay for it yourself you can keep the kids but not have any money to take care of your family.

You can't win.

We are not going to go to couseling, we are talking to more foster parents and are looking to start a support group/meeting for foster parents in our county to help support each other.

Do you or your spouse have an "employee assistance program"? If so, then you are entitled to a few sessions of counseling that don't kick into your mental health side of your insurance. Also, seeing a psychiatist vs. a psychologist makes a difference too. A psych has an MD. That makes him/her a "doctor" not a counselor.

Also, if you are interested in using meds, your primary care physician can prescribe them and oversee your care. I don't know if you use this doc to clear you medically for fostering, but if not, they won't be reporting it to the State.

[mom2GRLC]

It was the same with my situation. If i wanted to go to a councelor I'd have to see my Doctor and tell them I was dealing with depression and they would likely put me on meds and give me a medical diagnosis then counceling.

Not only would it have to be in my medical records/medical report for DHS. When i have gone to adopt in the past one of the questions the judge asks is if you have been diagnosed with any mental illnesses and if you are on medication/counceling.

Knowing they ask those kinds of questions and knowing I am not one that could lie about it....I choose not to see the doctor and to just deal with stuff on my own.

The sad part is....I wasn't having depression and insominia just because of me.....it was because of the very stressful time I had just had of almost losing my daughter and trying to maintian an open relationship with her birthfamily that was seeded in anger, sadness and resentment towards me and the adoption.

After a year and a half of struggling every day with it....I finally have worked it all out and am at a much better place and so is her birthfamily.....but it was real tuff getting to this stage....especially without the help of professionsals who could have really helped move things along much quicker to help me sort through all those feeligns I was having.

So thanks to these forums you guys have been my help along the way...to pull me through and now I couldn't be more happy and secure in my relationship with my children or with their birthfamilies.

[Kate1129]

My county offers free sessions for foster related issues. However if you aren't aware of this upfront, I'm not sure I'd share it with them. Unless it pertains to the child or care.

[kxl164]

It's funny, I have no idea if it is related to childcare... sounds stupid I supposed, but how can you possibly seperate a family problem from a personal problem if you are a Stay at home Mom??

Our county offers us support, not couseling, meaning they will give you other foster parents to talk to. I am not interested in going on medication because I really feel I can "talk" this through and that given time it will just straighten out anyway.

Like I said, this is nothing major, we are just more stressed than we are comfortable with. My husband and I can handle a lot and we were just hoping to be able to talk to someone else but I will just have to talk to you guys!!! Our friends and family don't/won't understand, we don't want to be judged for our feelings either so that is why we were considering a couselor in the first place.

So we will just talk to each other and keep active in our foster parenting activities in our county.

If we feel things escalating we will really have to see about talking to someone else at the point.

[bumpkin]

Boy this really stinks. Here you are ready to do the right thing and can't because of fear of retribution. Perhaps if bfamilies had sought counseling these kids wouldn't be in the place they are .... how hypocritical,having said that, I too would be nervous of how it would be perceived and would feel that the safest thing to do would be to try and get help elsewhere.


could you call a local mental health clinic and "hypothetically" explain the situation? maybe they would have some ideas for you. It can't be the first time this has happend???

How about a priest/pastor/rabbi????

Can you elaborate more here? I'm sure we'd all like to help. I can totally relate to other people not understanding, but in all fairness, my friends and family don't know the "whole story" with my kids also.

((((hugs)))) to you.

[2Tim1seven]

Okay, I've been lurking for some time now, but I read this thread and just had to respond. I am a new foster parent and have only had one placement so far. I have a medical history of depression/anxiety and am being treated with medication. I was completely honest about this on all my paperwork and had no problem being certified. True, depression is a mental illness, but none the less an illness. It is caused by an imbalance in the chemicals of the brain. It can be treated/managed with perscription medicine and talk therapy. It is no different than any other medical condition, be it Diabetes or high cholesterol. It's sad that people have a stigma about mental illness....you wouldn't think twice about telling someone you take insulin for your Diabetes. I really don't belive that part about DHS taking your foster kids because you have a mental illness and are being treated for it. It's those people who are unwilling to seek treatment, because of fear that they may be seen as unfit to parent, who are the bigger threat. In many cases it is the reason that children are removed. In those situations the parents are unable to function because they have an illness that has not been treated. If you talk openly and honestly with people, you will find out that mental illness is very common. Everyone suffers from depression at some point, to some degree, from a case of the blues to severe depression. The important thing is to recognize you are not well and seek medical treatment.

[kxl164]

2Tim1seven

I'm sorry I don't agree with you, if I just was diagnosed with Diabetes the county would come in and take the kids too. It would be too much of an unknown risk to them because I would be learning to take care of my own health needs. Same with cancer, or any other medical issue.

Same with a medical mental issue, you need time to address the symptoms and get help. If I thought that I was seriously depressed or in need of mental help then I would get it like I would address any other medical issue.

The difference here is that I would like to talk to someone just to relive the stress, not because of an imbalance of neurotransmitters.

You are right in that there shouldn't be a stigma involved, but the county would come in and take the kids if I were diagnosed with any major medical issue that could impact that care I can take of the kids.

A person with a controlled issue with anxiety/depression is different than a person with a new condition.

I am thankful that I do not have that type of issue, I just need more support and am getting it through a variety of places, here included, instead of through counseling. I just was leaning toward the couseling since it would be non-judgemental.