[bumpkin]

Tim, I think many of us agree with you - these things SHOULDNT be a reason to remove kids, carte blanche. But I think that most of fear this, precisely because of the information and storeis we have know. I also believe that it is not specific to depression/anxiety etc... the same would hod true for alot of peopl on regular medical stuff, I for one, did not have a regular annual GYN exam when I was waiting for my adoptions to finalize..... just in case.

It's wrong, maybe even stupid in fact, but I just couldn't risk, even the thought, that I'd have a bad pap smear and my kids could be moved from the only home they ever knew.

In a perfect world, you would be right. If only it was one.

[kxl164]

Just to add, I went to the Dr. today and he said I wasn't depressed, that I am just overloaded and am internalizing everything that is going wrong, taking it all on myself when I don't need to be the "bearer of every burden".

He suggested that I start running first thing in the AM, I used to be a runner and he thinks this will help start off my day better and give me alone time to think and work out things instead of trying to do that during the day when I have no time, or trying to do it before bed when I should be sleeping. He just thinks that I am trying too hard, that I need to get back to being me too, he doesn't suggest reading since that it trying to redirect my mind and he thinks that I need to just do the hard work myself and think, but push myself physically at the same time. He thinks that this will help me be calmer in general and better able to rationalize when things get hard.

He actually laughed at me when I told him I was concerned about being angry and about depression, not that he was making light of either situation, but he said that I am now at where "regular" people are (I have been with this dr. for over 10 years so he knows me very well). He doesn't see any signs of depression in my or in my responses, he just sees someone who cares about all of her children and her family and wants to fix everything whether or not it is logically possible. (we both laughed at the logically possible part because as strange as the phrase sounds it fit the bill perfectly)

He also suggested my husband needs to do something for himself daily too... he even said that my husband play more video games for an hour when he feels stressed or do something that he enjoys.

I know that everyone tell you to take care of yourself first, but when you have lots of little ones who has the time... now I realize how important that advice was.

[straightblues]

This is a problem we all face. I have been depressed during this very stressful time. I always laughed and thought depression was not real. But through the lovely Foster Care System I have now seen the light.

Anyway, I think it would be very good for all of us if we could find out what the Foster Parents actual legal rights are on this matter. Nobody seems to know. I will ask my lawyer next time I talk to him and would encourage others to do the same and post the answers if you get them.

I like others have had fear associated with getting any help for ANY medical problem, including mental health, for fear the children would be remove.

[Stacy'n'Kids]

K~
When you first got the placements, I wondered if this would happen to you, too, like it did to me.

It sounds like we've both gotten a bit more than we bargained for in our placements. And I have to say, from reading the original post, I could have written that myself.

This is stressful. We both have kids with high needs and emotional problems. And dealing with those issues day in and day out as a stay-at-home-mom can be daunting and overwhelming. My husband and I just talked on Sunday night about how we REALLY need to get someone to talk to, some "outside help" to work through the issues we're having with our foster son.

It's not depression. I don't think it's a chemical imbalance. I think what it is is being stressed and overwhelmed... I just posted a thread saying this exact thing- I'm overwhelmed and stressed, and I don't know how to help my DS anymore, and it's making me feel constantly GUILTY and like a BAD MOM because I just don't know what to do with him! And my own feelings that stem from this... I AM getting depressed... but it's not depression... It's WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING???????

I'm going to call, too, about getting some help. I think the best way to do it would be to say that you need help talking to someone about THESE KIDS. Not saying you're depressed in general, but saying that you're having a hard time with the kids and want to talk to someone about it.

Lastly... Just know that you're not alone... There must be a lot of us who feel this way!!!!

[stevenstwin]

What great advice from your doctor! I agree with him, and think I need to try more of the same. The highlight of my day during the school year was when we'd get the three of them off to school, and my hubby and I would have a lovely cup of fancy coffee before we headed to work (he's self employed and I work from home). In fact, I just realized I've REALLY been missing that over the summer holiday - and I wonder if it explains my recent tendency towards being irritable and tearful? I don't know if that kind of "self care" is good enough for everyone who is under stress - but it is a great place to start! Also, I've taken a lot of comfort in being able to share my feelings with a few trusted people. One is the guidance counsellor at the school where I work part time - she's had lots of experience with troubled kids, and it is just REALLY nice to hear her affirm me and tell me I'm doing a great job. One BIG "lightbulb" moment I had months ago was when I told her that I'm so afraid that I might do something "wrong" with A. and cause "damage" to him. She said "Do you really think you could damage or hurt him more than what has already been done? As long as your motivations are right and you are doing the best you can, you ARE doing the right thing! His problems are NOT your fault." And another one was when I was fretting that I'd lost my temper and ruined him forever, and she asked if I had ever had a bad moment with one of my own girls, and if they had survived it and forgiven me. Just to have someone who KNOWS what they are talking about give you that bit of motivation to keep going. Really, our "regular" friends with "normal" kids will NEVER really "get it", and sometimes talking to them just makes a person feel worse, no matter how much they try to help!

[Stacy'n'Kids]

You know what else helps? Just knowing there are other people out there dealing with the same things and the same guilts and problems!!! I'm so glad you posted this thread, K!!!

I guess it's true... You can mess up with your own kids, but you know they'll be okay and that they'll still love you, and that you'll do better next time. With foster kids, you feel like if you mess up, you'll mess them up forever. Or if you make a mistake, the kids will get taken away from you or something!

I have a lot of guilt because my foster son has a lot of problems, and one of his problems is that he just goes head-first into things and doesn't think anything about consequences. (I think it might be a bit of sensory integration problems). Anyway, the guy will climb up on the end tables all the time, or on the back of the couch, and he falls off. He will BOUNCE on the couch (only 13 months, mind you!) until he falls off on his head. He's constantly banging his head against the wall on purpose. He is always tripping and hitting his head on the coffee table, the floor, ANYTHING that is near him. His head has bruises ALL OVER IT!!!! So my fear is always that if I say I get frustrated with him, that someone will think I'm getting frustrated and losing control and that it is ME who is making those marks on him.

And Lord knows what my neighbors think!!!! Since we became foster parents, I've started YELLING. Not all the time, mind you, but when I really get frustrated, I will just yell, "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!" And sometimes I yell, "I just can't TAKE IT ANYMORE!" Or, "LEAVE ME ALONE!!!" when all the kids are acting up at once. It's not like I'm yelling at the kids, or anything, but from the outside of my house, who KNOWS what it sounds like!!!! I was never a yeller before... I guess it's just more proof that foster care is frustrating!!!

Yes... I think I would benefit from talking to someone to learn "coping techniques" or something!

[mom2GRLC]

All wonderful posts. Your so right when it does come to these foster/adopt kids we do hold ourselves at a much higher level. Out of fear. fear of everything. Fear that if we acknowledge a problem the kids willl be taken away or someone will feel we aren't capable of parenting them or say it's not a good match. Fear that these kids may have more needs then we can recopgnize or handle and what ways to even even handle them that will really help the children. Fears that our parenting decisions won't be accepted by others. Fears that the children mnay not accept us. Like you said you can make all kinds of mistakes parenting a bio-child and you know the child will still love you....but what if you mess up with an foster/adoptive child ...will they reject you, will they make allegations on you, will they not accept you as their parents.

There was one child I had that was 14 months old and he did the same thing he used to hit his head on EVERYTHING and ANYTHING. He used to throw the worst fits and in doing so would pound his head on the ground. He did it everywhere we went, the Dr.s , church, outside our house etc. So many people saw it happen so it's not like someone could realy point the finger at me...but after a month i just couldn't handle it anymore. I asked that he be removed from my home I just couldn't take that chance that he could really hurt himself and then they would turn to us to find us at fault when his own doctor told me to just ignore him and he'll stop on his own(sorry I can't ignore a child pounding there head on cement floor or hard grounds...i just couldn't do that). It just wasn't going to happen. So instead I let him go and soon after he was placed with a relative for adoption and he was much better but I had a houseful of young kids and he went to a home where he was an only child so I'm sure that made a big difference....and the poor baby had already been moved 5 times by the time I got him....infact they gave him to me because they knew I was so good with little kids especially difficult children....but he was too much...he constantly had bruses and bumps all over his head i just couldn't deal with that. As a foster parent I'm sure you know what it feels like ....it's like every bump or bruise the child gets you know false allegations can be filed and turn your world upside down...I wasn't willing to put my family at risk because of him.

Some kids you really have to find the strength to keep and do allyou can to help them and others you just have to realize your limits and let them go to try and have a better shot at the next home. I know that is not a common belief or goal...I agree kids should not have to be moved around a bunch but if you KNOW you just can't be the family they need...my belief is it's better for you to let them go and have a chance that the next home they go to will be what they need.

[dadfor2]

i know i havnt posted in a while, but i just felt i had to chime in and say that alot of social workers, if you call them and say you are feeling 'stressed' and would like to talk to someone..they might even pay.

social workers are not our enemy, they want to help but of course it boils down to money.

i have no idea where you live, but to say you need a mental health dx and be on meds to get counseling is absorb. I never heard of such a thing.

as for your PCP, to laugh and say all you need is exercise, was way out of line too..im assuming he is your medical PCP and not a therpist..very bad practice as far as i can tell

we have all experienced depression/ anxiety/ stress/ whatever....and these dx do not all need to be dealt with medication. some are only situational.

my suggestion is that i would talk to your case worker and tell her that you would love to speak to someone due to the 'stress' you have been under.

if the social worker has no idea that these foster kids can bring stress, she is probably on day one of her job....

as a foster parent, you have a right to ask for help..weather you get it or not, pends on the money....

i think alot of people ask for counseling for the 'stress' and get it, as long as its foster related...they should either pay for it, or pay a certain amount to start and if need be, increase.

of course do NOT sign any consent forms, you dont have to...

if they took your licence away because you said you felt stress and would like someone to talk to.....and they refuse, you can raise a stink, but i dont think it would come to that.

i wouldnt use words like 'anger' 'depressed'..

'stressed' is a catch all word......

anyway, thats how i see it. but id be really shocked if they took your liscence away because you said you were stress........

[ca-bigsister]

When I was at my wit's end with the lying/deception/etc of teenage FD, I thought I couldn't talk to SW because that would show I was a "bad" FM and "tlhey" would take her away. But it was so bad that I finally did talk to SW, who was very good, and she did help.

In CA, there's a program called Wrap Around which is to help matches at risk. My FD's bio-mom had taken her to get her belly button pierced (visits are supposed to be monitored) and then FD and bio-mom were lying about the whole thing until I thought I was going crazy.

SW helped us with wraparound. FD has an "advocate" which meets with her once a week, I have a parent advocate with whom I meet once a week, and then we all meet at my house with a therapist. It is really helping. Wraparound is paid for by DCFS.

FD still has individual therapy, as do I now. I pay out of pocket for both therapists because DCFS started FD with her therapist, who doesn't accept Medi-Cal, but I decided to keep paying because they had a relationship and attachment was an issue. Our therapists communicate together too.

FD is on meds (has been for years) and sees child psychiatrist for meds. I went on anti-depressants prescribed through my doctor about four months ago and it has helped with depression.

Eight months ago when I was having such a hard time with 14 yo FD (now 15), I told her to pack her stuff because I couldn't do it anymore. I asked her where she wanted to live. (I'm not recommending this, but I was so sick of the lies, disrespect, dishonesty and lack of feelings).

I do want to offer some glimmers of hope, because we're actually do really well right now. We are still in individual therapy and family therapy, and we have "wrap around services" where she has an advocate she hangs out with, I have a parent advocate, and we meet with a social worker every two weeks. However, she's been calling me her mom to a few people and she's even pretty bonded to me. (I was her volunteer Big Sister since she was 7, so you'd think that this would have already happened but sometimes, things are slooow). She got a 3.1 gpa last term with learning disabilities, participated in a college drama workshop over the summer, and is in a musical theater workshop that does singing/dancing. I find very few lies lately and am actually happy.

To be honest, I've also gone on anti-depressant medication because I was have some serious depression due to her episodes, but, get this, we have even had fun doing school shopping. She even took my advice on a few tops/pants. Before when we went shopping, it usually ended up in a crying/screaming match and now we're actually having fun. We even had a good time on our summer cruise. Of course, it would probably seem obvious that you should have fun shopping when someone is spending money on you, and I teach so I know what teens like, but for some reason, we usually ended up in tears on vacation or doing fun stuff, even like Disneyland.

If you had told me this 8 months ago, I wouldn't have believed you because I was so sick of her antics, the lies, deception, etc., which really were for no good reason. I guess it's just part of the attachment disorder wherein they test, lie, cheat, steal, etc. for reasons that most adults don't understand.

I don't want to jinx this because I know that adolescence is a roller coaster, but I want you to know that there will be a time when you will have fun and peace, and it could be very soon.

Just make sure you're in therapy and your family is, too. Use support groups. I thought I could handle anything. I was one of those people who helped everyone, always did everything, so I thought a teenager would be a snap. WRONG. I think that my lesson in this is asking for help. I think that therapy is great for everyone. I let my mom help me with my FD - she takes her home from school and drives her around sometimes. It was really hard for me to ask SW for help, because I thought that made me look like a bad foster parent because I couldn't "handle" one teenager (I teach over 200 teens a day). But I finally did ask for help, and I got the wrap-around program. So, I think that not doing it by myself has been the life lesson I've had to learn.

[Stacy'n'Kids]

I called my social worker the other day to talk to her about this. She talked to me for over an hour, and she was SO HELPFUL! Another thing that helps is that the SW it the one who is most involved in the case. It HELPS for him/her to know what is going on with the kids, and how it is affecting the family.

I said we were tired and worn out and didn't know how to "deal with" our foster son anymore. She said I am doing a great job, and that no one can do it better, and that I need to stop taking so much on myself. All I can do is to take good care of our foster son, and be a good mom to him. I can't "fix" him, I can just do my best to take care of him.

It was definitely worth it to put a call in to my SW!

[kxl164]

Just an update....

First of all I see my Dr. every 3-4 months and have known him for over 10 years, he knows me better than any SW and is like a friend. His suggestion of exercise was not just exercise or downplaying any emotional issues... his suggestion was for running, something that is basically a part of me, something that I sort of gave up when I became a parent and he wants me to get back to being me and doing something for me.

Running was great advice, he was quite on target!! When I run I feel free and feel like I am running towards a solution and away from my frustrations. I forgot how good it made me feel.

I do realize how much work I need to do to get back in shape!!, but being able to think and breathe and just do something for me has made me so much more calm, the kids are happier too and behaving much better!

I think we were all feeding off of each others frustrations, and now that I am not taking on all of the problems of the family I feel like that weight has been lifted off of me too!

Thanks for all of the help!