[jigger]

So we have a TPR date set (YEAH!!) . It's October 25th.

My question is that our lawyer mentioned the possibility that we could approach the bio parents now and ask them to relinquish their rights and promise to give them something, like yearly updates on C. That way we could avoid the 30 day appeal period and the headaches that may or may not come with it. Bio-mom changes her mind a lot and I'm worried that if she gets in a mood she could drag this out forever. Bio-dad is no worry as he isn't even in the country.

Have any of you ever done this? How did it work out?

thanks

[texastanya]

The state cw for our boys (and their sisters) pretty much told us that she was asking the parents to TPR in exchange for visitation and/or mail contact.

In Feb. they did sign the TPR. The mother has stated since then, that she signed so that if she and current beau had any children in the future the state couldn't take them. The father is incarcerated so his contact is minimal and allowed only by mail. We have to send him annual updates, but do not have to allow the boys to see any mail from him if we do not think it is appropriate. We got a proxy box in Nevada that will email us everytime we get a letter, that way our address and city can remain anonymous. Honestly, the boys don't have a clue who he is. The last time they saw him was May 2005, so they were 3 and 1.

The mother got an extensive visitation schedule: Year 1 - monthly, Year 2 - bimonthly, Year 3 - quarterly, Year 4 - biannually, Year 5 and until they are 18 - annual. HOWEVER, the Rule 11 states that she has to pay for supervision once the children are put in "adoptive placement." And, if she misses 3 visits, all future visits are cancelled. Or if a child psych. recommends termination of visits they'll be cancelled. As of now, our youngest boy doesn't know who she is. At visits he stays at least 4 feet away from her so he won't be touched/hugged. Our oldest boy is trying to figure out who she is and how she fits in his life. He knows she is "mommy" but when asked "who is she mommy to?" He says it's E and C's mommy (the sisters). When asked "who is your mommy?" he points to me.

The boys were "adoptive placed" at the end of July, and as a courtesy to her, we allowed a "freebie" visit in August, so we could communicate to her that she would have to make arrangements for all future visitation. Truth be told, I don't think she will be able handle the paperwork that is neccessary, nor do I think she will be able to come up with the $120 to pay a cw to supervise. We should know for sure the first Wednesday in September.

One more thing...even though they signed the TPR in February, they still had the 30 day appeal period. So, voluntary relinquishment didn't get us out of the appeal period.

And, yet, one more thing... [Moderator deleted link for fee based service] is the organization we'll be using for visits (if they occur). If you're in the DFW area and you want/need to check them out.

[mj77]

I'm not so sure you will legally be able to talk directly with the bfamily and offer openness of any kind in exchange for signing. I was told it's illegal--at least in our state, not to mention not fair to put you in the position of asking for such. It's sounds kind of like bribery. I was told too that though the appeal period varies from state to state, 30 days is on the lower end after voluntary TPR (relinquishment) is signed. I could be wrong, but I have never heard of a parent not getting their 30 days through the state unless the adoption was private.

What we did, and this is my suggestion to you, is tell the case worker that you're open to a mediated agreement (assuming you are). Let the state hire the mediator and get this done right. I know it's hard to drag it out, but tell the cw, you MIGHT be interested in a mediated agreement if you knew the bmom was cooporating for the best interest of the child (voluntary TPR). This way you aren't bribing, you have a third party involved, and you are getting the same desired proposal.

We're happy with out agreement. It always favors the best interest of the child and the child's immediate family. YOU are in the driver's seat.

[shycar]

We had to make this choice also. Our sons b-mom dissapeared for a year. A month before tpr she showed up stating she wanted her son back. Our sons Gal suggested to ask her to relinquish her rights for exchange the she have visits and so forth. I talked to our sons sw and our sw. They both said no way. They both stated that its more headache to relinquish then tpr. Reason was two. You promise visits-then things change, drug was a big problem with her, what if she comes high on visits, or she becomes a danger, bring people to visits that could be dangerouse. You have two choice then, you either have to break your words and promises to protect your child or you have to keep your word and keep visits when this could be harmful for your child. With TPR they have no rights and have no promises from you or anyone. It would be left on your choice for visits or not and not feel guilty for promising something and later not completeing. Second is like you say she changes her mind all the time, then she can promise to relinquish and then change her mind, make tpr process start all over again, get another court date. I know some states even with relinquish she has 30 days to change her mind, just like an appeal. Im not trying to discourage, just another way to see things. Good luck I know its a hard decision. We decided to wait for tpr. His b-father is a danger and violent man, we want no contact and do not want to promise anything. He of course would not have agreed and did appeal. But now he is our son and its nice that I dont have to worry about any promises that I made. The appeal is a headache, but unless something was done illigally then the appeal will be dismissed.

[jigger]

Thank you so much for the replies. We've told the CW we would be open to mediation but I'm thinking based on your comments and on some other research we are just going to let the TPR go through and wait the 30 days. Bio-mom is just so mercurial that I was hoping to skirt the 30 day period if I could. I really appreciate your comments!