[~*Max*~]

1) If a child touches a sibling inappropriately, what does it take for a separation to occur? If they are not separated, I assume separate bedrooms, bath times, and constant supervision are in order. Has anyone dealt with this and found it sufficient? How do you handle it if the child actually seems to find being told that your private area belongs to you and no one else is allowed to touch it, and you may not touch another's private area incites him to do it again?

2) If a child tries to act out strongly sexual behaviors with their foster parent and makes Oedipal comments, is there hope that they can ever have a normal parent-child relationship if the child is eligible for adoption? The child in question apparently cannot tell the difference between the affection an adult gives a child and all manner of sexual activity that he has witnessed - being tender and loving with him triggered behavior I would rather not describe on here!

Thanks,

Lisa

[AmyAnne]

There is a chance, yes. My son was sexually abused. He started off wanting my DH out of the picture. It took a lot of therapy but we're getting to the point where he and DH and I get along well. Look for sabotage in meeting your dates, though.... I seem to recall you're a single Foster Mom?

[~*Max*~]

Originally Posted by AmyAnne

There is a chance, yes. My son was sexually abused. He started off wanting my DH out of the picture. It took a lot of therapy but we're getting to the point where he and DH and I get along well. Look for sabotage in meeting your dates, though.... I seem to recall you're a single Foster Mom?

Yes ma'am! Or working it - waiting for my first placement but these little guys I just did a 6 day respite with may become eligible for adoption soon, and it's likely I will be considered. He definitely has an Oedipal thing going on which would be sweet if not for all that he has seen and experienced. Like he had asked about kissing me on the mouth and I said that foster parents and their kids could kiss on the cheek.

After the episode we were talking that night before bed about appropriate behaviors and he asked again about kissing on the mouth and I said that grownup people could show their love for each other by kissing on the mouth and he said, "when I am a grown man I will kiss you on the mouth." Poor little guy. So sweet and so confused.

[AmyAnne]

How old is he? Depending on how old he is, you might want to explain the difference between how you kiss your parents/family etc and how you kiss your girlfriend and that they're different types of love, so different types of affection are acceptable.

[~*Max*~]

He's 6. I just had them for respite, but apparently being much more affectionate with him than he is used to triggered a lot of previously undisclosed stuff. :/

I have learned my lesson, even if they have been in care for a while and even if there's been no prior disclosure, to be careful about sitting in laps etc.

[Lorraine123]

If a child touches a sibling inappropriately, what does it take for a separation to occur? If they are not separated, I assume separate bedrooms, bath times, and constant supervision are in order. Has anyone dealt with this and found it sufficient?

Just because one sibling touched another does not mean that they need to be in seperate placements. However, they do need to be watched 24/7. Never alone. Even in the car, I would put one in the front seat and one in the back. Never take baths together. Never in each others bedrooms. Alarms on the bedroom doors. You cannot teach them appropriateness if there is any opportunity for inappropriate behavior to go on.

How do you handle it if the child actually seems to find being told that your private area belongs to you and no one else is allowed to touch it, and you may not touch another's private area incites him to do it again?

As far as talking about it, he may not be ready to talk about it yet. And he may not understand what you are saying. Or, he may have been told what areas are not allowed to be touched by the very person touching him. You never know. If it incites him, I would not talk about it yet. Just show him in actions that it will not allowed. Both children will feel safer. Words are often meaningless to these children, but actions say so much more.

If a child tries to act out strongly sexual behaviors with their foster parent and makes Oedipal comments, is there hope that they can ever have a normal parent-child relationship if the child is eligible for adoption?

This really can't be answered. My daughter probably will never have a totally "normal" relationship with me or her dad. But we adjust. We don't kiss her on the mouth, etc. Anything remotely "sexual" we avoid.

The child in question apparently cannot tell the difference between the affection an adult gives a child and all manner of sexual activity that he has witnessed - being tender and loving with him triggered behavior I would rather not describe on here!

We were in the same boat. However, you cannot withhold affection. Maybe you need to test other ways to show affection until you find one that doesn't trigger the wrong response. When my daughter first came home, we spent a lot of time swimming because she loved the water but she couldn't swim yet and we had to help her. She wanted to swim so badly that she allowed us to touch her in the water and she didn't react negatively. It was a start. Yes, I wanted to hold her and cuddle and kiss her and hug her, but that just didn't work at that time. You have to find what works and then build on it.

[hotspice58]

Amyanne is right. My 11 yo (sexually abused by **d) "allegedly" abused his sister. We went to see him in a group home and they were all over each other. Later, when it was him and I, I explained that there are different kisses/touch for siblings and girlfriend/boyfriend wife/husband. It took awhile but he has it.

[swanzie]

check out your library for good books in their age group that talk about good touch bad touch. It helps open up the conversation and bring it to terms on their level.

Our therapist has stated that some kids who are exposed to this "adult game" end up being very sexual - it is in them - some are not. Both need to learn what is right and what is wrong...however your level of trust and supervision with the sexual ones will have to stay on guard.

Once we had an incident - we read books and talked about it and I reinforce the rule at least every week I go over good touch bad touch and check-in to see if there are any "funny" feelings going on I should be aware of.

[AmyAnne]

May I recommend "A Very Touching Book" by Jan Hindman and Tom Novak

Also, A Terrible Thing Happened - A story for children who have witnessed violence or trauma by Margaret M. Holmes, Sasha J. Mudlaff, and Cary Pillo

The first is a good one for explaining the differences between "Good" "Bad" and "Secret" touch.

The second helps children process emotions of trauma

[~*Max*~]

Originally Posted by AmyAnne

May I recommend "A Very Touching Book" by Jan Hindman and Tom Novak

Also, A Terrible Thing Happened - A story for children who have witnessed violence or trauma by Margaret M. Holmes, Sasha J. Mudlaff, and Cary Pillo

The first is a good one for explaining the differences between "Good" "Bad" and "Secret" touch.

The second helps children process emotions of trauma

Thank you Amy. I do hope I get to see these little guys again soon, and hope his therapy is being guided down an appropriate path.

How often does this type of disclosure take 6 full months to come about? Or is that often typical?