[praytel]

Our FS will be reuniting with his ** in a couple of months and I was wondering how to go about possibly forming a relationship with her. I want to be there to support her if she needs the help because I don't think she has much of a support system.

I can't help but think she will totally close us off, but is a relationship possible?

I have never seen nor spoken with her yet, but plan to.

Has anyone every bonded with BP's?

Praytel

[wrekdiver]

But it was really the honest, hard work of the sws. First, she made sure all parties wanted to meet. A cw was p/u and dropping off our fs (who was 8mo at the time) but after that first meeting, I always went to pick him up.
We are both kinda shy so the first time we met it was awkard. We mostly just said hello and avoided looking directly into each other's eyes. I let her set the pace. I tried to keep in mind how difficult this was for her.
I looked for any little sign that she wanted to communicate but didn't know what to say..maybe she would just look at me but not say anything or ask a general, "how's he doing" question. I tried to find ways to compliment our fs that would reflect postively on her as a mother, i.e. how smart he was or what a good eater he was.
All the visits were supervised but after about 4 visits we really didn't need the sws to act as a buffer anymore and found our own rythm. I would usually try to share some insignificant detail about my life that we could share as a community of women, like when I didn't have time for my coffee that morning or something.
What I tried to protray was just how non-judgemental I was of her and that this was a completely normal thing that people do. At the same time, trying to show compassion that I understand she is hurting.
Our story is ending a little different b/c we are now going to adopt him but we are still very close to his bp's and their extended families. After meeting for about a year in neutral places, we invited the birthfather and his family to our house so they could see where A. lives. I don't think we will be able to do this with the mother because of her "extracurricular activities" but we are still talking and meeting in neutral places.
If it was R/U instead of adopt, I don't think I would do much of anything different. After meeting a few times and getting to that point where we can smile naturally at each other and share things about our lives, then I would probably ask casually if we could meet again after they went home at the park or for lunch and "see" how they reacted. As in non-verbal communication about whether that could really happen or not.
Anyway, good luck and let us know how it goes.

[mom2GRLC]

Yes I have...it was hard.

Our first baby....I tried...I offered to babysit and everything which she readily accepted...but it was too hard to see her again....and to see she wasn't being kept safe....i couldn't do it any longer.

Another child we had just for a couple months around the time she was a year old, went home to her grandma, then about a year later went home to her mother. I used to see them at the soccer fields off and on during the next two years and would sit and talk to them a lot. It was hard to see the chld grow up with them instead of us. To wonder what it would have been like if we would have been able to keep her.It was hard for me to see her every time. But I was happy that she was home and it all worked out she was very well taken care of.

Another child we had was 5 years old when we got her about 4 years ago. She used to call us all the time and come over and spend the night frequently for the first 2 years after she went home. It became hard on us when she would say how she wanted to stay with us and we felt it wasn't helping her to see us so much....so we did back off some...didn't answer the phone as much or told her we had a busy house or sick kids or that kind of thing. We really enjoyed watching her grow and even though she was not being taken care of very well, it was nothing that DHS would step in over so we wanted to give them some space. We still talk to her and see her and her family frequently because she goes to the same school as my son. I try and be supportive of her mother who just recently had a baby and I gave her a bunch of my baby supplies i no longer needed to help her out.

Then we've had contact with 3 of our childrens birthfamilies since we've adopted them. Which has also been very difficult at times but well worth it over all.

So....yes...it can be done....but more likely than not you will see things that break your heart but you just have to be supportive and when necessary step back. Always validate and support them as the parents over anything. Of course if you see something that merrits DHS's attention then yes you have to step in...but if the child has lice for 4 years straight but is taken care of in every other mannor that really matters....well...you just do whatever you can and let go of the things you have no control over.

[merrymissy]

Funny I should read this thread this morning! I just had a phone call from our former foster children's birth mom. She started off asking how everything was going and then whammied me with a request for a loan after telling me that the the brand new bike we just bought her daughter was stolen. We have had a great relationship from the start, but I always view fostering children with RU as the goal. I know that they will go back at some point in time. We try to be good role models for the families, and I would really like to keep in contact and even act as a resource for some things they might need. But let this morning's phone call be a lesson to be wary. Alot of these families don't know how to cope with the extra children with mouth's to feed, etc once the kids go home. They know that you received a stipend for caring for their children, and they know that you have the means that they do not. Heed the advise of many on this board- don't give them money! Buy groceries if you need to, take them to appt's, even watch the children for them. But don't give them money! I even debated whether the bike had been stolen or whether she hocked it for money. Just be cautious and try not to be naive. Alot of families in these situations have been around the block, and it is easy to try and give the benefit of the doubt. Just beware, and try your best to form some sort of relationship for the children's sake. They will benefit from your interaction. Good luck! You can do it, and I hope that you do!

[mom2GRLC]

I agree they know how much you love and care for this child and may play upon that weakness.

Just earlier this year we got back in contact with the little girl we had when she was 5. At the time she was 8 and we found out her birthmom was pregnant, they had no money to pay their bills, their water and electricity was already turned off and if they didn't find the money to pay their bills they'd be on the street and have to find a homeless shelter to stay in. (I forgot to mention that neither her mother or her father-who recently got out of jail a few months before were working).

I didn't really feel pressured by them to give them money or help them out....they were already eating all their meals at their parents house and taking their showers there...but grandparents wouldn't let them come live with them. I could just see that she was real concerned and didn't want this for her child and the one on the way.

I was not in a position to elp them out financially, nor would I have....I feel that is their responcibility not mine. But I did offer that if they did get kicked out that I wanted L to stay with me and my family for however long she needed it....rather than have her go live at a homeless shelter.

But yes.....if that happened and they were not willing to work and provide for their daughter after a good couple weeks.... DHS would have been the first one I called and she would have become my foster child until they were willing to put her needs first.

So be there friend....but I think first you have to stand up for the child....even after they go home

[fostadoptblog]

Oh boy do I have tales to tell on this one. Yes I've formed relationships with many of my ex-foster children and the families. Here is a link to one of the stories on my fost-adopt blog - I have 16 posts about this boy and his family and our relationship! This is just one.
http://fost-adopt.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/rick-s-here

[V8 Momma]

We had a FS for 14 months- from age 3 mos. to 18 mos then he was RU. I always treated the parents with respect to their roles as mom and dad and tried my best to include them in decisions, like how to handle his allergies ("do you think we should try a natural cream or see if the doc can prescribe something?") and get studio pictures (Walm*rt cheap pictures) taken and copies for parents so they don't miss out... things like that. When we first met I asked them if they wanted to ask me any questions because I understood that me having their son was a big deal and I didn't want them to worry about him. I think just treating the bioparents like good people will come back to you. P went home in September and his parents have allowed us to visit him EVERY WEEK since then. We are not like best friends or anything, but I really did not expect P to still be in our lives almost a year later. The parents really love their son and want what's best for him.
We've been blessed.

[praytel]

Thank you all for your input. I think I will approach this very slowly for now.

My SW did say that he would try and set up a meeting for us to meet. I hope she is willing...

Keep us in your prayers!