[Azflipper27]

I'm new to this forum so please bear with me. Here's the background: My dh and I are currently in the process of fost to adopt two boys who are biological brothers. V just turned 4 and R just turned 2. They were placed w/ us in January and this is the first placement they have been together. They were in two seperate foster homes previously until they came to us. V was removed from bfamily at 2 and R was 2 mths old. V has been in 3 group homes, a foster home, and then with us. R was in just one foster home and then placed w/ us. When V was placed w/ us in Jan. he was pretty good as far as following house rules and behavior issues weren't a problem. Well about 2 months ago, V's behavior has gotten worse. We have to repeat things to him 3 or 4 times before he will do what is asked of him, he purposely defies me and dh, has problems sharing things w/ his brother, defies teachers at pre-school to point of hitting and kicking or screaming, and the past week he's been urinating or defecating in his pants at pre-school. We can''t figure out why he's all of a sudden going potty in his pants and not in the toilet. This only happens at pre-school and not at home. He's only had 2 accidents at home since January. We don't know what to do about this other than putting a pull up on him while he's at pre-school. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.

[ml4474]

Moving children from home to home is VERY traumatic. This child is only 4 yo? He has been in the home with his bio parents. Then he was moved into group home #1, then gh #2, then gh #3, then a foster home, and then to your home… Wow, that’s a lot for a four yo! He may be getting nervous b/c it’s about time for him to move again. He might not like being separated from you.



What does V like to do or have? You could use a reward system with him… at 4 he will be able to understand this… Make a poster or something you can hang on the frig that has every day of the week on it. When he makes it through the whole day at school without messing up his pants, let him put a star on the poster and make a big deal out of it. Every time he gets 3 stars give him a reward. As time goes by, make his reward come after he earns 5 stars… This helped when potty training at my house.

[ml4474]

Oh, how much do you know about these boys? Do they have any sexual abuse in their past? With girls, not wipping and soiling their pants are signs that they have been abused. Along with MANY other signs...

[MBelt8402]

I don't have a lot of advice. Here is what I do have. This poor little guy has been through a lot in his life. Honeymoon is over. It sounds to me as if he is settling in with your family. It seems that when they start to feel safe they start to act out. Their way if testing you to see if you will throw them away. When he is at his worst you need to be at your best. He needs to know you are not going to abandon him. He needs to know that when he does have accidents your are just going to clean it up, and hug him. I (me) would not put him in a pull up. At four I think that would be to emotionally for him. I would just make sure that he always has a change of clothes with him, and make as little fuss about the accidents as possible. Now that is what I would do. Please don't feel that I will or am judging you or anyone else if you decide to use pull ups.

In my experience this behavior will abate. Be consistant, but loving. The consistance is crutial.

Please keep me updated on him. I think you will see a slow but steady improvement with time.

[twinflana]

While I agree some of this can be due to the many moves he has had but some of it can also be normal 4 year old behavior, he is testing his limits. I would ask the daycare how often they are taking him to the potty? Maybe he is getting too much to drink before his naps, could be a simple solution.

On the other hand I have a 2 year old that has been moved 4 times in a year 3 of them in the past 6 months so I am experiencing some of this I have started a behavior board with smile faces and sad faces...less than 3 sad faces he gets a reward. Also I have convinced the caseworker that he needs counseling and maybe your 4 year old could benefit from some also. That many homes is alot for a little one to deal with.

[bjhv5]

If he is having these troubles at daycare mainly,I would question wether or not something was going on there or like pp said maybe he is worried you are not going to come back for him or maybe he doesnt like being away from you.

Is there anyway you can keep him home for a couple of weeks to see if that changes his behavior? I would also ask about counseling for him.
Do not give up on him yet. With our 2 older girsl we keep going back and forth with them one good week one bad week. The 3 yo WONT sleep!! we have had to put her in a play pen just to get her to leave her sister alone and not keep her up.
He has been trhough alot .Hang in there.

[hubbyswife]

Our xFS started doing that except he'd potty his pants at home and not at school but then he started doing it ALL the time. Except when was sleeping he'd wake up and go potty.

I didn't read thru all the replies so if this is repeated sorry. For our situation, he was having phone visits w his bparents. He didn't know how to handle it and he had loyalty to them. He stopped interacting w us and pushed us away too. He was a very angry boy. He was angry at his bmom for putting him in care. He was very sweet and typical 4yr for the first 4 mths but then bparents came into the picture and well his behavior became "normal" for foster kids. That's what they kept telling us. We saw him break down and there was nothing for us to do. We asked and asked for counseling for him. He had started being aggressive towards our FD and that was it.

For him, using the potty was a sign of control. In these kids lives they have NO CONTROL of anything. They can't decide not to live w the fp or to go home w their bp. So what are some things they do have control of?? Eating/Drinking, listening and Pottying.

I'm just trying to give another view point besides being sexially abused and it could be both or I could be wrong.

I know how frustrating it is. Good luck w everything...

[Bailey071097]

I agree with almost all the other posts that the honeymoon is over and this type of behavior should be expected from a kiddo who has been traumatized over and over again by the many moves.

One additional thing that I noted in your post was that you are asking him to do things 3 or 4 times before he complies. Why? Kids need boundaries and consequences and this teaches them you care enough about them to enforce these. Ask/direct one time and if it is not followed they have a consequence. This will be hard work on your part in the beginning, but if you stick with it you will teach your children that they are safe with you and you care enough about them to apply the rules - this gives them a sense of control to know that they have rules that need to be followed the first time.

[Jerseymomma512]

I am new to this board, but I do have 4 year old, too. I, too, see it as typical 4 year old behavior. One thing I would be sure of, however, is that nothing is going on in the classroom to cause this upset. Teasing from other children or an overly firm teacher?

Of coarse this little one has been through so much. You are such a wonderful person for taking him in and giving him love and attention.

Karen
Mom to
dd age 4
ds age 2
Soon to be foster parents